"'I abandoned you for one brief moment, but I will bring you back with unlimited compassion. I hid my face from you for a moment in a burst of anger, but I will have compassion on you with everlasting kindness,' says the LORD your Defender."
-Isaiah 54:7-8
Even though it would seem you have completely moved on, our Lord is still very actively using our time together to till the soil of my heart. The lessons He's been teaching me as I sit at His Feet to heal from losing you have been the greatest blessing. You are a great blessing, Loo.
I'm ashamed to write the truths Jesus has revealed to me. It's as if He removed scales from my eyes revealing the deceitful depths of my heart, and it was anything but pretty. As I read the verse in Isaiah (above), my thoughts took off...Are You talking about me, Lord? Did You abandon me for a moment in a burst of anger? Why were You angry with me?...Almost immediately, a megaphone thought spoke over all of these...Is all of this for your glory, Heidi, or Mine?
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Memories with you flooded me. Writing back and forth with you over VK, raising money to bring you home, the hustle and bustle of flying to Ukraine so last minute, meeting you for the first time, hanging out at your orphanage, having dinner with you and your friends, holding your shaking hand in court, our first night together in the apartment, our train ride back to Kiev, the amazing welcome home from our friends, your food aversions, our open discussions about some deep issues, the meeting about our house rules that you absolutely hated, our trip to North Carolina to see Papa and Grammy...everything that seemed to spin out of control since that June and in between.... I've never doubted that your story is for God's glory. But this time, the Holy Spirit allowed me to see it all from another perspective: yours.
I'm completely humbled.
Up until now, I couldn't understand you. I couldn't understand why you couldn't understand me. I was totally dumbfounded when you writhed out from under our protection, running away with no desire to ever come back. Once I was blind, now I can see. Our way of life was so foreign to you...that I've always known. And while there were behaviors and choices that needed to change for your own safety, our expectations of when and how that would happen were so unfair and completely unattainable for you in the short time we ignorantly anticipated. You likely and understandably felt suffocated. We were trying our best, I promise. Our goal was freedom for you spiritually, but because we spent most of our energy making decisions in our flesh...from our very limited capacity to understand your unique situation...I'm guessing family felt more like prison.
I am so sorry, Lucy.
How frustrated God must have been with me! Since the revelation of this other side of the story, Scripture after Scripture that He had poured out throughout the year with you (that I could never make sense of before) inundated me. I've been pouring over my journals since and found all of it and more, confirming that I, indeed, completely muddled up His desire for our role in your life. From our beginning in Ukraine, God was telling me to let go of my expectations and desire for a daughter...it was never about any of that. He spoke to me plainly through His Word directing me that you needed a mentor, someone to come alongside you, to be your friend, to love you through the good times and the bad, and to seek Him to help guide you by standing next to you, not over you. I didn't listen. I regrettably chose my desire and expectations over His, and proceeded accordingly taking the advice of man on how best to parent you over the wisdom from God to walk with you and live out His grace upon grace.
At one point, Jesus had given me the story about the weeds in the wheat in Matthew 13:24-30. We loved you no matter what...we still do, but we weren't allowing the "weeds" to grow with the "wheat". Any time you lied or you stole or you looked at pornography or you inappropriately texted with boys or drew inappropriate pictures or took revealing pictures or Skyped with people we didn't know (and I'm still fairly confident that you didn't even know), it freaked me out! The angry reactions you saw from me were 100% rooted in fear. I was so afraid for you. I wanted so badly for you to let go of this way of living that you grew accustomed to and embrace the new normal that God set out for you. I still desire this for you, Sweet Girl, but I see now how our approach went all kinds of wrong. With great shame I must also confess (brace yourself for the ugly heart part), I was so afraid for us...for our family's reputation. My addiction to approval reared it's ugly head in the most tragic way. I didn't want people looking at us and assuming that we were failing you and failing them, who invested so much money and time into bringing you to America, by seemingly ignoring and, hence, endorsing your choices. Ugh. How totally immature and arrogant of me!!!
And now I fear that in our fear, we pulled out the "wheat"(any good stuff you did receive...any experience you did have with Jesus) with the weeds.
You misread my heart for good reason. My actions spoke louder than my words. I was saying over and over with my mouth and my written words that you are not your past mistakes, but we were parenting you as though that's all you were.
That is not all that you are, Lucy...Luda....
You are a new creation. A citizen of Heaven. An actual princess, heir of God. When you accepted Jesus and chose to follow Him, God wiped away all of the mess, all of the mistakes. He drowns them in the depths of the sea, makes them totally disappear. And although we mistakingly focused on all of that, please know that He doesn't. He has only ever seen the beauty and the talent and the future when you're going to do amazing things for His Kingdom.
We intended well. But we were ignorant. I was ignorant. And because of our disobedience combined, we're all missing out on entering the "Promised Land"...your new life...together. That's a tough pill to swallow for me. This is certainly nothing like the ending to our story that I had pictured. But the Holy Spirit has given me a peace that surpasses all of the hurt and regret. I could drive myself insane with the "What ifs", the "Should have, Could have, Would haves", but what's done is done. Praise God that He is sovereign and can make miracles from our mess. He knows this story from it's beginning until it's end and is clearly using every bit of it.
If my heart wouldn't have broken over you, it would never have healed steps closer to His. I am genuinely grateful for you in my life, Loo, and will always be. I'll fervently pray that our mistakes haven't caused you to turn completely away from Jesus; that we didn't drive you deep into the very lifestyle that we initially desired to bring you out of. And, instead, that He's used all of this to take center stage in your heart as well.
Maybe one day we will both be ready for and given the chance to ask for and receive forgiveness from the other, reconciling (at the very least) as friends with a crazy history.
Love you, Sister.
The answer to that loudspeaker question in my head: it's for Your glory, God...I surrender mine.
