I saw this today. I imagine this pretty much sums up how you feel. I've been assuming a lot based on the snippet of my experiences with you, then been writing about those assumptions. I can imagine that's pretty frustrating for you.
I need you to know, Loo, that I finally get it. And I'm sorry.
Obviously, I'll never fully understand everything...and some of the choices you make will likely continue to drive me nuts because I can't fully understand. Our family did walk in on only one chapter of your story, and we never got to know even half of it. You hold the truth close. And there's probably good reason. God knows what You've actually been through. Selfishly, I just wish you would have been brave enough to share all that's happened to you upfront because I do know my heart. And my heart breaks for the broken. If you would have opened up to me, I wouldn't have seen the attitude or the promiscuity or the triangulation or the rebellion. I promise you, I would have seen the beautiful, but hurting, little girl deep inside you hiding behind it all instead. I tried...try...to see her anyway, but I'm human, too.
When I replied to your hurtful words over Messenger, writing that I care for you a lot but that you've never let me, that's probably the most honest I've been, even with myself. You did hurt me, Luda, but not in the way you think. It's not the accusations you make, the lies, the manipulation, or the involvement of CPS or the police or even DHS years ago that I'm trying to get over. It's the time you took away when you left. It wasn't fair of me to expect your trust right away. That needed to be earned over time...a long time.... But you only gave our family less than one year. We, nor you, showed one another near enough grace. Because of my education in psychology, I was prepared for adopting a teenager to be hard, but knowing something and living it are two different beasts.
Please understand that you judged our story on one chapter, too. And that chapter could have been entitled, "Learning Curve". Learning curves are never fun for anyone--I'm so bummed that you never got to experience the best side of us, nor did we of you :(
That's what hurts the most. I never got to see your heart, but because I know ours I did see what could have been and I continue to grieve what you won't let be. You may have given us a chance, Loo, but you never gave us a fighting chance.
All I knew to do once you left, was to fight for us both. That's what these letters were meant to be-- my heart's cry to the Lord for restoration; a connection to you when/if you ever wanted it. They were never meant to irritate you or offend you or cause you trouble or to garner attention for myself. They were purposed to take back just a piece of the time you stole when you chose never to return to us, to prove to you that I meant what I said to you over and over: that I love you no matter what. Because I do! And I don't have to know you intimately to feel this way because God answered my prayers before you ever stepped foot in our lives to give me His heart for the child he brought to us.
I'm not blind; I've seen what you've done. I'm not dumb either; hence, I tread carefully whenever you do reach out, and truthfully, I'm not all that anxious to let you back in to every facet of our lives. But nothing you've done or do or say, nor the way I feel from one day to the next, changes my decision. I chose to love you, Luda, because Jesus does. And I've never stopped.
That's my truth.
