Idols

Wow. It is apparent that your desire for the Internet is more important than your desire for a family.  Here we are resting (yes), but working towards and praying for reconciliation, and you are God-only- knows-where creating and managing social media accounts...accessing pictures from the very phone we gifted you. ?!

And when you finally realized that your false allegations weren't holding and you were close to being returned home to face this ridiculous music, you conjure up more falsities?  That we bribed the police officers that brought you home the first time you ran away?!  Is this for real??

...Now the rest of Psalm 89 that I read this morning makes sense...

"'If his descendants abandon my teachings and do not live by my rules,
if they violate my laws
and do not obey my commandments,
then with a rod I will punish their rebellion...
But I will not take my mercy away from him
or allow my truth to become a lie."

You're walking a dangerous line, Loo.  Forget the consequences of lying to us, to the community, to authorities.... You are turning away from God.  You are testing your very Maker!  He will not take His mercy from us and allow the truth of our family, of who we are as your parents, HIS Truth to become a lie.  You have betrayed us, but you are violating Him and abandoning His teachings and His will.  Turn back, Child.  Please turn back.

Greater Grace

Dad planned one incredible mini-vacation to ring in our 15 years of marriage.  We almost cancelled because of obvious reasons, but decided a retreat might be exactly what we needed to begin healing.  This morning, when I awoke in Fredericksburg…Day 3 of our R&R…I should have been filled with joy.  Since we left San Angelo, I’d been horseback riding at sunset, antique shopping, massaged, and wined and dined.

Instead, I awoke with a nagging heartache. 

I still haven’t been able to wrap my mind around all that’s transpired in just these past two weeks.  The voicemail I received from you last night certainly didn’t help.  Your indifferent words kept rolling around and around in my head, beating up my thoughts even more.  “Hi! It’s Lucy!! I talked to Kim and she told me to call you.  Maybe you text Kim or call me back. Bye!”  So peppy.  So NOT like you had accused us of 1) physically abusing you, then 2) bribing law enforcement to remain quiet about it.  So unaffected by all of the hurt and betrayal your actions have evoked in us.  So clearly on a mission to be sweet because your escape plan is at stake.

Shake it off, Heidi.  You’re on vacation.  You’re supposed to take this time to unplug.  Unplug!

I did what I always do when I lose control of my thought train (and mindless reality TV is unavailable…just being honest):  I opened my Bible hoping for a shred of anything that could help calm the hurricane of emotions welling up inside.  Psalm 95:1-2: “Come, let’s sing joyfully to the LORD…Let’s come into His presence with a song of thanksgiving.” Well.  That’s the plan.  Not sure what my song would sound like right now…maybe a little something like, “Jesus loves me this I know, He showed CPS it’s ok to go…Little ones to Him belong, we are weak and their lies are strong.”

Hardly a Sunday favorite. 

Psalm 95:6-7b: “Come, let’s worship and bow down.  Let’s kneel in front of the Lord, our Maker, because He is our God, and we are the people in His care, the flock that He leads.” A little more comforting…it’s always good to remember Who is Sovereign here.  Reading on…

Psalm 95:7c-9: “If only you would listen to Him today!  Do not be stubborn like my people were at Meribah, like the time at Massah in the desert.  Your ancestors challenged me and tested me there, although they had seen what I had done.” NOW we were getting somewhere.  Stubborn? Lucy…party of one.  Challenged and tested?? Yes, God! You feel me!  I had to get the juice on what happened at M&M.  No doubt it was good.  And applicable.

Pan to Exodus 17 where it all came together.  After all that God had done for the Israelites through Moses, they’re found at the beginning of this chapter complaining of thirst.  Moses, clearly irritated* by their lack of gratitude or awe at the mighty miracles God performed on their behalf, replies diplomatically despite his justified (my biased opinion) frustration, “Why are you complaining to me?  Why are you testing the LORD?”  You tell ‘em, Mo!  No doubt they’re seeing the error in their thinking now.  I mean, how could these people not realize how petty thirst is in perspective of a sea split in half or daily bread falling from the heavens??

This mirrors our own perplexity.  How can you, Daughter, not realize how petty accountability and consequences (like losing your phone for a short time or Internet privileges temporarily) are after looking at how GREATLY God has moved on your behalf??

Nope.  These Israelites were trees-for-the-forest kind of people. 

So are you apparently.

Their response?  More complaining that quickly moved to blame and resentment toward the very man whom the LORD used to rescue them from a life of slavery.  They actually wanted to go back!!  After all God had done?!  Ludicrous, I know. 

At least that’s how we’ve been feeling. 

Your response to our attempt to rescue you from a life that was certain to have no good end has completely blindsided us.  And the blows keep coming, one after another, giving us no time to catch our breath.  A phone call just today informed us that you have willfully chosen a life in the local family shelter over a life with us.  What the what?? And Ouch! You so deeply resent our desire to protect you and actually blame us for taking you away from Ukraine now, that you can’t even live with us anymore?

?!

This is all so incredulous!!

The Exodus story gets even crazier (which clearly means ours is about to as well).  God doesn’t direct Moses to correct these ungrateful people or to chastise their flawed thinking.  Instead, He gives Moses orders to give the people what they want.

<sound of thoughts coming to a screeching halt>

Up until this point, it was undeniable that the Holy Spirit was using this account at Meribah to speak to me…and loudly.  Our ancestors’ journey strangely yet perfectly parallels ours.  So what does this part of the story mean for us?  What does our “rock” to be “stricken” look like?  God gave the people what they wanted…what does this mean for you?  What is it that you want?  No rules, just rights.  To be treated like an adult without having to act like one. 

Freedom.  

Train of thought back on track and well on its way to derailing again.

I left the Word on that note.  I knew our Heavenly Father was going to ask us to trust Him yet again and surrender to His will no matter how cray-cray it sounded.  I also knew you were going to get what you want, even if it’s the farthest thing from what you need.  And that, My Dear, was all the news I could handle at the moment.

Plus, I badly needed coffee.  The lack of sleep and caffeine in the provided instant coffee at our bed & breakfast was catching up to me.  I was seeing things. 

…Like a future where you are free to do whatever you want. 

Like the knight in shining armor that your Dad always is, he found us a local place to go for this coveted cup of real joe.  And a Christian coffee place to boot!  …Nothing like supporting the ministry of others when all else fails (like ours). I hung up my thoughts and put on my happy face, ready to pretend I wasn’t thinking about you.  But, thankfully, Jesus had a much different plan J  The older barista took our order and kindly asked about our day, to which Dad surprised me by honestly replying with “Great and not-so-great”.  An average employee would just blow his response off, but this guy…attuned to our Savior…saw it a prime opportunity to strike.  Turns out our complaining and thirst ended in something we wanted and needed: our barista wasn’t just a barista.  That was simply his job on the side to help fund his real ministry: working with Russian orphans. 

No.  I’m not joking.  

A bag of coffee with Andy's story on the back to prove it.

What started as a quick coffee run, soon became a two-hour long counseling session miraculously ordained by God.  Andy (aka Barista) transparently shared his testimony that included his residing in Russia for 17 years and working as an adoption coordinator.  He had lots of experience with Ukraine as well and poured forth so much knowledge of the broken and sick system and culture you’ve come from.  Among the many heart wrenching stories he told, were accounts of truckers passing through and stopping at the orphanages to pick up new girls anxiously awaiting to be paid for sex, while also dumping the bodies of those they had used previously that had died from both murder and disease.  He shared the bleak reality of corrupt directors taking advantage of their power and the girls under their care, paying off police to stay quiet when they were caught…and brothers pimping out sisters, threatening the lives of other loved ones to keep them in their grip….

So many horrific stories.  So many plausible stories that could very well be true for you from what little we saw while over there adopting you and from your choices we’re experiencing now.  I wish we could just know, Lucy.  I wish you would just tell us what it is you have seen and dealt with.  But Andy also explained that you likely never will.  That’s just not how your country or people operate.  The whole culture you came from survives and thrives off of denial, deception, and crookedness.  It’s a cutthroat existence that you were shaped in and an extremely warped lens by which you’ve learned to view life through.  That’s just how it is.  For now. 

His advice to us: let go and let God.  Prayer IS the best and only thing we can do.  You want your freedom because in Ukraine you had it.  You want to be treated as an adult because in Ukraine you were one.  Our restrictions were put into place to protect you, yes.  Our motives were pure, of course.  Yet, because of where you are at in your thinking, you can’t see any of it for what it really is: Love.  You have yet to know love at all, so how could we ever expect you to readily recognize it?

It is no coincidence that we entered Greater Grace Christian Coffee House lost and broken-hearted, yet left with greater grace.  I praise God for using Andy to answer all of our questions and doubts and to encourage us so deeply.  

Andy White and Dad in front of the Greater Grace Coffee House

Because of this unexpected help over the hurdle of hurt, our next step finally came into focus.

All of this time, we’ve been interpreting the Scriptures and Psalms that the Lord has been giving us as though we’re the heroes.  We were Moses delivering you from your Egypt and your false gods.  We were Joshua marching around the walls of your heart.  We were Hosea, preparing to receive you after you gave yourself to your false gods and came back. 

And, wow, were we so wrong. 

God is the Hero of your story, Precious One.  He definitely used us to bring you out of Ukraine and for a season, but it will be Him that delivers you.  It will be Him that wins you back.

“’That is why I’m going to win her back.  I will lead her into the desert.  I will speak tenderly to her. I will give her vineyards there.  I will make the Valley of Achor [Disaster] a door of hope.  Then she will respond as she did when she was young, as she did when she came out of Egypt.  On that day she will call me her husband,’ declares the LORD. …’I won’t allow her to say the names of other gods called Baal.  She will never again call out their names.’”

–Hosea 2:14-17 (GWT)

We weren’t meant to be your whole story…

Maybe we were just the beginning. 

Maybe we were simply the vessel God used to bring you out of Ukraine and into this new country and culture where you may have to fall harder, because it was the only way He saw you leaning in closer to Him.

Regardless of this moment, it remains clear to us that Jesus is pursuing you in a fierce way.  And the story God wrote in bringing you home is still a powerful testimony of His Sovereignty and glory for us and so many others.  No matter how you choose for this chapter to end, Lucy, we are confident that nothing is wasted.  We still count ourselves blessed to have been chosen for even this small sliver of service to His Kingdom.

This is why I can say goodbye for now.  This is how I can let you go.  Not because it’s easy (quite the opposite really), but because it’s time.  Jesus is about to grab your attention and your heart in a big way.  You have been a daughter in every sense of the word to us, Lucy.  But, ultimately, you are His.  Your relationship with Him has been what this is all about from the get-go.  And although you are alive and well, we’ll still be grieving a great loss.  Our Lord has asked us to surrender you to your will and our dream of a complete family to Him. 

I’ll pray without ceasing that in this desert He’s leading you to, the scales are removed from your eyes and all of the spiritual oppression from your painful past will be completely lifted.  May you finally see and accept the endless love and grace He has for you, Sweet Girl.  And may you come to recognize that this same love and grace has, and always will, await you at home in us.

Until then,

Mom <3

*The account in Exodus doesn’t explain this…I took license and inserted my emotions here because, let’s face it, I can relate.

The Eye of the Storm

Praise Jesus that we were able to meet with a licensed counselor yesterday afternoon and discuss our journey with you.  She was wonderful and understanding, affirming our fears yet reminding us that God is always Sovereign.  One of the concerns we shared was that, by law, this preliminary investigation could take up to 15 days.  15 days of wondering where you are, what you've been thinking, and what we're going to do next.... Half a month in limbo!!  That was our perspective anyway.

This counselor's eyes immediately lit up, full of excitement: a strange response to something we felt was dreadful.  She went on to write this Hebrew word on her whiteboard:



She explained that Hebrew numbers were different than other languages, as letters were also used to represent them as well as words. The number that represented 15 was the same word as "Yah" (also used as the stem of the Hebrew word for Hallelujah) which means "Mighty God"!!  In her opinion, it is no coincidence that this process takes 15 days...and it shouldn't be something that we dread.  God knows EXACTLY what He's doing.  It's 15 days of our Mighty God!

And what a mighty work He has been doing!! I pray you've been witnessing the same on your end <3

Upon trying to search the "omniscient" <read sarcasm> Google for this, hoping to read it for myself, something even more interesting regarding the number 15 came up: 

"The number 15 in the Bible pictures rest, which comes after deliverance, represented by fourteen." 

I know we should take the information we retrieve from random Internet sites with a grain of salt, and I certainly don't have a masters degree in Hebrew language studies to affirm the validity of this statement, but I can attest to the peace that's in my heart which transcends all understanding right now.  Whatever Google says about it, we miraculously have rest.  As much as I hate it (because I love you), our home has been the battleground for some serious spiritual warfare since you arrived.  This past week has been the first time in a very long time that our home feels like a sanctuary again.  I hate that you're not here, that you decided to walk away rather than work it out.  But we've grown thankful for this moment, this eye of the storm, to catch our breath.  To rest from it all.  

"O LORD God of Armies, who is like you?

Mighty LORD, even your faithfulness surrounds you.

You rule the raging sea.

When its waves rise, you quiet them. ...

Blessed are the people who know how to praise you. 

They walk in the light of your presence, O LORD.

They find joy in your name all day long.

They are joyful in your righteousness

because you are the glory of their strength.

By your favor you give us victory.

Our shield belongs to the LORD."

-From Psalm 89 (God's Word Translation)

Praying, in Jesus' Name, for deliverance  <3

A Mercy that Never Fails

It's been one week.  And in this one week, we discovered more lies, confronted you about them, watched you run to your friend's apartment on "Find my iPhone", only to anger you more when we called said friend and asked her to be the adult and send you home.  Rather than taking her advice, you ran somewhere else...to someone else...where you spread more lies, slandering our family's name, alleging hurtful things about us: the very people who have done nothing but obediently love you no matter what...who are willing to fight alongside you through thick and thin...if you would.  Instead, you run.  And you keep running.  And now you've gone so far that police and CPS are involved, hiding you in a "safe facility" and investigating our family to ensure we're not physically abusive. ?!

I feel like we're in the Twilight Zone.

Two weeks ago, you and I were enjoying a road trip to San Antonio where we had a solid three hours of amazing conversations and two days full of hilarious moments.  We talked about love interests and life and family and how you're adjusting and school and Ukraine, your past and your future. We went shopping and found some awesome deals on your favorite things: shoes.  We ate hibachi-style at an upscale grill where you caught me on video getting smacked in the middle of my forehead with a chunk of chicken.  There are more videos of us being silly in the movie theater parking lot and rocking out to "Shake it Off" by Taylor Swift in the car on the way home.  It was an unforgettable moment.  We were just mother and daughter; not separated by 17 years that I'd missed, a culture I didn't understand, or a language barrier that confused things.

I can't begin to understand what is going on or what God is allowing and why.  This is some of the deepest hurt and betrayal we've ever experienced.  Several counselors and friends that have lived through it suggest it's the result of RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder)--just another name for the brokenness inside of you.  It certainly seems an accurate diagnosis.  But regardless of what your actions are classified as or how severe, where do we go from here?  When all is said and done, can we ever get back to normal?  Can we ever trust you?  What happens when it's necessary to confront you again?  Will you allege worse as you grow more and more familiar with the system?

Can we forgive you?

This is probably the most nagging question in our minds right now.  Because of your actions (and the poor timing of them), we've missed out on celebrating Dad's retirement from the Marine Corps after years of serving our country; we've missed out on signing an approved offer on a house of our dreams after weeks of hunting; we've had to shake up your brothers' worlds, explaining to them what CPS is and that they'll have to be questioned about the safety of our home; we've had to watch their innocent illusions of earthly security already die as they realize their livelihood has been threatened because the sister they also chose to adopt and love has made ludicrous allegations without any grounds.  Possibly the worst loss this week, was Dad's chance to hold his grandma's hand one more time or give her one more kiss before she passed away early this morning.  He could have been on a plane days ago when she first collapsed, but because we were waiting on these investigations...on you to come around...he was too late.  And all of this is just what we missed out on THIS week.  Next week, we're supposed to celebrate 15 years of marriage on a surprise trip Dad romantically planned and already paid for.  The week after that, Dad is scheduled to start his new job....if his security clearance isn't affected by the allegations.  And, we have another home study around the corner to hopefully open our home to two more little girls, that they might avoid much of what you've had to endure moving from home-to-home...if we can still be considered amidst this mess.

There really is no consequence great enough to justify everything your selfish choices this time around have put us through.

But, there IS God:

"They flattered him with their mouths and lied to him with their tongues.  Their hearts were not loyal to him.  They were not faithful to his promise.  But he is compassionate.  He forgave their sin.  He did not destroy them.  He restrained his anger many times.  He did not display all of his fury.  He remembered that they were only flesh and blood.... How often they rebelled against him...! How often they caused him grief...!  Again and again they tested God, and they pushed the Holy One of Israel to the limit.  They did not remember his power--the day he freed them from their oppressor, when he performed his miraculous signs in Egypt, his wonders in the fields of Zoan." -Psalm 76:36-43

His mercies never fail.  Yes, we're in the middle of a blazing fire right now.  Yes, it was ignited by you, whom we cherish.  But we cannot forget His power.  We cannot forget those days He freed us before--from the adoption falling through because of the war...from us being unable to travel last-minute when we only had 7 days to get Dad's travel approved and the military wanted 21...from the Visa being rejected because of an important, missing document...from a shortage of money to cover all of the fees...from being stuck in Ukraine after it all when all flights were cancelled.  We cannot forget all of the miraculous signs and wonders He performed to bring you home or those since.  Each day that has gone by since you left, He has carried us by way of the hundreds of prayers from His persistent prayer warriors and thoughtful expressions of love from His faithful servants.  He shouts loudly from His Word, validating our pain and desire for justice and encouraging us to believe He'll do what He says He can.  I keep replaying this mental image over and over in my mind where there is a raging storm all around but all I can see is Jesus' face, calm in expression, His hand extended to me as if to ask, "Will you still walk with me by faith despite the chaos that's in sight?"

I don't have the answers to all of our "What happens next" questions, Lucy, but I do know the answer to one of them: we can forgive you.  And we will.  Not because you deserve it, but because we don't either.  We serve a God Who shows us compassion and forgiveness over and over again; Who restrains His anger many times and doesn't display all of His fury despite how often we rebel or how much grief we cause Him.  It's everything to remember that you, just like us, are only flesh and blood.  You have undoubtedly pushed us to our limit, but praise God that we worship a limitless Lord. Nothing is impossible with Him (Matt. 19:26).  Nor is anything wasted.  

He's breaking all of our hearts in order to more completely restore them.

I don't know how He's going to redeem this situation, but I can't wait to experience it <3

At the Edge of Bethesda

Lie after lie continues to unravel. I think you forget that we live in a small town. A small town where people know people who know people and who talk about such people's kids to that kid's people. I can't decide yet if this is an advantage or disadvantage, as I'm almost at that point where I don't always want to know everything you're up to. But I trust that, in the end, God is using all of these revelations to our great advantage. After all, everyone's dirt has to rise to the surface before it can be washed away....

I'm admittedly baffled though. You go to school and you come home. There's nothing in between (other than riding the bus). And I'm here to welcome you in the afternoons, so I'm certain that's all. ...I mean, when could you possibly make any trouble? We're always encouraging you to invite friends over or to arrange a group to meet at the movies or the bowling alley, yet you always turn your nose up at these ideas insisting that you're fine at home doing nothing with us (even when it's obvious you're painfully bored and complaining of being so). ...I know the friends are real because I've seen all of the cute selfies you've taken together. They seem like awesome friends, too! And you often claim now that we're an awesome family...so why on God's green earth would you choose to suffer boredom before allowing us to be even slightly involved in that part of your life. ?!

Now, it's clear why.

You have spun a tangled web of stories that I'm sure you can't even keep up with. Stories that benefit only you, even if they cast an ugly light...or a completely false light on your honestly beautiful reality. You say you have a boyfriend, when you don't. That you're sleeping with him, when you're not. You brag about having things we don't actually own. You tell people we're going to amazing places we're not going to. You tell us that you needed over $100 of soccer-related gear to practice for soccer auditions, that you never went to (but you still made up quite the tale about how badly tryouts went, complete with funny things that happened to the other girls playing). It's a cray-cray compulsion!!

Our minds are always spinning wondering what we should do to affect a real change...how do we deal with this...are we wrong for being angry....is it humanly possible not to be angry at this?? Yesterday morning, God was again faithful to douse the flames of our frustration with this behavior through Psalm 5. He is not a God Who takes pleasure in wickedness, Lucy. Evil will never be His guest. We can't do anything but lay our needs at His feet every morning and wait. Although nothing that comes from your mouth right now seems to be truthful and destruction bubbles out of your heart...despite how incredibly flattering you've been to us on the surface...your own schemes will be your downfall, Sweet girl.

...If you don't stop....

John 5 refers to a man that had been sick for 38 years. 38 years (!!) of just lying under a porch near a pool (that brings healing), held back by excuses and blaming others for his persisting condition. It's no wonder Jesus asked the question, "Would you like to get well?" It seems the answer would be obvious for a man that was paralyzed for so long, but this man had seemingly grown content with being a victim. Jesus, in His great mercy, healed the undeserving man anyway...but how did the man repay him? By returning to his old bad habit of blaming others by implicating Jesus when the Pharisees were being ridiculous themselves!! ...Even after Jesus warned him saying, "You're well now.  Stop sinning so something worse doesn't happen to you."

Like the paralyzed man, Lucy, you've been broken for many years...a victim of your unfortunate past. You've become accustomed to hiding behind the excuse of it all--your Mom and Dad and Grandma's death that left you orphaned--your foster parents who were awful to you and returned you--your brothers and sister because they moved on in life without you. You even believe your own contrived thoughts, however misled you might be, blaming your American host parents for not choosing you--Ilona for ruining your reputation--us for not making you feel like part of a family.... You're doing your best to act otherwise, but we see through it all. You have unquestionably faced more than you should have, Precious One. And of course you would be deeply hurt and affected by all of it! But, would you like to get well? Or are you content in your condition?? Because the truth is, that Jesus, in His great mercy towards you, already made you well when you chose Him, Daughter! God is no longer disgusted with you, as you have been made perfect and blameless in His sight <3 You are beautiful in ours, too. It's solely your decisions that continue on as if nothing has changed when everything has that's so hard for us to swallow.

Man. How God must feel watching all of us do the very same...<convicted>

Like Jesus exemplified, we will continue to do our best to warn you...to encourage you to turn back whenever we can...to pray that you'll jump into the "pool" instead of toeing the water...but the choice is still 100% yours. Will you continue to act as though you're still "paralyzed"? Or will you check your pride at the door, start taking responsibility for your actions, and truly surrender all to Him? There is no one that's going to answer for you before Him in the end but you, Lucy. In the meantime, Dad and I will take refuge in Jesus and go ahead of His answers with praise, as we pray for more of those moments when you triumph in Him.

They will happen because He loves you, Lucy.
And we do, too <3

Turning Tables

     We took another dive on this rollercoaster relationship ride.  And our first reaction is always a bad one.  If someone took our picture right at the "drop", they might capture Dad throwing something and me pulling out my hair.  Or, Dad buying you an airplane ticket and me arranging our own escape.  Not really, but you get the gist.  It's a blessed process shaping you...but a super frustrating one that requires SO much shaping of ourselves.
     There's this decorative red lantern in your and your brothers' bathroom.  I don't know what it represents to you or what memory it triggers, but when you arrived here you took issue with it...an issue you'd never admit to when I would confront you about it.  Yet, I would find it hidden up high on a bookshelf in the playroom, then hidden out of sight above the medicine cabinet in the bathroom.  Whenever I would put it back, I would find it moved again somewhere new and concealed.  After your major heart shift in August and your decision for Jesus, however, this strange behavior just stopped...completely out of the blue.  The lantern has gone three months unmoved, basking in its decorative role.
Until last week, when I found it missing once again and retrieved it from under the sink.
So weird. <"drop" photo face: bewildered>
I immediately flashed back to the mess of our relationship B.C. (Before your decision for Christ).  Dread overwhelmed me.  I somehow knew in my gut that this declared another spiritual war.  I prayed over the lantern and your room and every other room in our home loudly.  I asked for God to shed light on the darkness threatening you.  And I warned Dad that the red flags were back up.
God wasted no time delivering a clue.  Last week, our "spy" app revealed several inappropriate deleted texts on your phone, inappropriate pictures, a secret email account that you had somehow set up for yourself (even though internet and most apps were disabled), attempted calls to an unknown number in Ukraine, among other things that crossed every line we drew when we showed grace and gave you a second chance to be trusted this past fall.
     Our hearts sunk and our frustration flared.  You've been so wonderful at home: helpful, considerate, thoughtful, and generous.  Sure, there were little things here and there (missing money, white lies, and boy-crazy giggles--typical teenager stuff), but nothing to indicate the grand scale of deception that was really going on behind the scenes.  It hurt.  Not your choices so much, as we expect a learning curve (People don't magically change overnight just because they became a Christian), but your decision to take advantage of our grace and outright abuse it while having a smile on your face the whole time.  It's crazy.  Literally.  It makes us question everything...what's real Lucy and what's not?  Does Lucy have a conscience?
     And, of course, when Dad confronted you about it all (calmly, with love and concern) you took little responsibility despite the evidence in his hands that clearly proved your guilt.  <photo face: red cheeks, bulging eyeballs, and steam blowing out of ears>  Naturally, we then became the evil enemy again, destroying all of your hopes and dreams that were obviously stored in your iPhone 6.
     I don't get it.  Were we wrong to fight this battle?  Was it a losing one?  After all, she may act 12 but she is 17.  Maybe we should give up on these behaviors for the sake of peace in the home and our relationship with you.  These were all of the thoughts racing through my head as I prepared the bathwater to throw out with the baby.  Thank Jesus He came to the rescue again.  Dad's devotion for that day:

"Interestingly, it's actually through conflict that we can find real peace.

For example, when someone walks into a dark place and turns on a bright

light, it changes the entire dynamic. Through this conflict, through this

disagreement, the ultimate unity will come. Why? Because as a Christian, you

make people aware of their sin-and they don't like it one bit. You don't

even have to say anything, really. You're just being you as a Christian.

So don't be upset because there is a little conflict. Just hold your ground

and keep praying. This division can result in people thinking about their

souls, considering the claims of Christ, and then ultimately turning their

lives over to the Lord."

The very same day, I was reading in John 2:13-25 about Jesus throwing the merchants and moneychangers out of the Temple courtyard.  Devotion for His Father's house consumed Him, leading Him to dump their coins and turn over all of their tables in a righteous rage. It hit me: our bodies are God's Temple now (1 Co. 6:19-20).  And you were behaving in a way that was defiling your body and reputation.  The frustration we feel inside really is rooted in our devotion for our Father and for you, Lucy.  We needed to turn over your tables.  It's not the fun part of parenting, that's for sure.  But I see now that regardless of your reaction or opinion of us, our fight is justified.  The fight is our call...the whole reason God brought you to us...to intercede for you...to show you a tangible example of His Love and Grace...to be vessels through which He can deliver His Light into your life.  We often do a crummy job, yet I recognize now that it's not us you don't like; it's His conviction.  When the Holy Spirit shines into our darkness, we all squirm because it's far from comfortable.  But the battle isn't lost.  In fact, it's already been won <3  You're not finished yet.  We're not finished yet.  Jesus is taking us all to the cleaners.  ...SOOOO much shaping...

Love you, Lucska <3

Mom

What it Means

"[Jesus] said to all of them, 'Those who want to come with me must say no to the things they want, pick up their crosses every day, and follow me.  Those who want to save their lives will lose them.  But those who lose their lives for me will save them.  What good does it do for people to win the whole world but lose their lives by destroying them?'" -Luke 9:23-25

     This morning, I had the privilege of witnessing the officiating of 32 adoptions...one of them was a teenaged orphan now the forever daughter of a sweet family that has been such an inspiration to ours.  Like us, they haven't experienced smooth sailing.  They bravely said "Yes" to the unknown, choosing to walk by faith and not by sight.  And because of this choice, they've had to face some mighty storms over the past two years that threatened to sink their hearts.  Praise God that He prevailed!
     Sitting there, listening to their testimony, as well as the other mothers, fathers, sisters, and brothers proclaim their love for children that they chose to call their family, was the perfect healing salve for my own broken heart.
     We have been battered by our fair share of storms, Loo.  Each member of our family has had to face a daily dying to ourselves.  It's so easy to get caught up in the carrying of our crosses that we tend to forget why we ever picked them up in the first place.  Adoption is not easy.  For anybody.  But it has brought my heart the closest to Jesus' than anything I've ever experienced before.  The mercy, the grace, and the love that He calls us to and equips us to extend to you is the very same mercy, grace, and love He extends to us.  It's not natural.  It's not earned.  It's rarely deserved.  And it's powerful.
     God has taken root in your heart and the fruit of His Spirit blossomed these past few weeks.  You came to us after hearing a sermon on the importance of forgiveness in families and courageously asked for ours.  We were so overwhelmed by His Joy...forgiveness has always been yours, Sweet Girl, but for Jesus to allow us to be a part of that moment?!  Incredible.  Then, to hear you follow up that request with your voiced desire to be baptized?!  Who are we that God would handpick us to be your Mom and Dad?  Willing and honored--that's who <3