Drippin'

God is so cool. At the beginning of last month, you texted me and asked me for the address to this blog. I went to it to share the link with you and noticed that the day you asked was almost a year exactly from the day I wrote my last letter to you...from surrendering my Achan-like spirit and the last copy of your citizenship. And, only last month had I realized just all that God had done in response! 

You were surprised that I haven't written anything for a year and rightfully so. There has never been a shortage of words to write when it came to our story. You were always on my mind and always a subject I was bringing before Him. And although you will forever be on my heart, the fact that I haven't been led to write since that moment of surrender directly reflects the peace I have finally found and have genuinely felt with His will...whatever that is regarding our relationship status with you.... Add to this: the fact that I even knew you were surprised is because you have been texting me and sharing your life with me and asking me about ours, which directly reflects the level of communication we had grown to have as a result of that peace! 

In fact, for seven months now, you and I have been texting back and forth...sometimes almost daily, but almost always weekly <3 Sure, we're both a little guarded and we don't talk too deeply about much too often. Even still, in the past year I have had the opportunity to not only see more ways in which I have stumbled, but to share them directly with you and seek your forgiveness in real time, and to be asked by you to be forgiven for the mistakes you have made! I even got to see a video from your new home where you have pictures of our family set up and to hear about your new man and his awesome family who actually know about us and your story and who love Jesus and who (of course) also love you.

I have been over-the-moon believing that our season of restoration might be just around the corner!!

You can imagine, then, my complete deflation when I woke up to your text this morning:

 

"Noooooooo, God!!!!" That's all I could think. "Why now?! We were closer to healing than ever! Why can't she see the whole picture of each letter this time...the beautiful endings where I close with how you worked through that moment's painful emotions to bring me such hopeful truths and reminders of Your fierce love for her and for us? Why is she only reading judgement and blame and writing now as though we didn't want a better life for her or weren't trying to help her understand Your Word?" 

Panic set in and clamor for control immediately re-commenced. 

And God's Hand of blessing and protection was immediately revoked.

I am sorry I overstepped. I am sorry I involved your boyfriend and asked for him to help, to support you while you read all of the letters and to help you understand them! I write SO many words and I fear most of my heart is getting lost in Google translation. But that's just it isn't it: 

fear isn't from the Lord (2 Tim. 1:7).

Sigh.

The enemy got the upper hand today. 

BUT GOD.

God has restored my peace and reminded me that just as the Israelites' journey didn't end with their deliverance...when their enemies were drowned after they walked across the sea on dry land...neither has ours. God continued to provide richly for His people on the other side (granting them the opportunity to plunder the very people group that enslaved them!! Exodus 12:36). 

And so He has continued to provide/is providing richly for us. 

Satan isn't going to just "let you [or me] go easy...because [we're] valuable." And while we have each been delivered from the past in our own individual ways, that "freedom isn't [always] going to come with a good feeling...but by force, focus, and frequency" (Steven Furtick--see video included).

Today, I lost my focus on the force that is God (again) and it definitely hasn't been a good feeling.

Of course I hope that we can move past today and will always welcome restoration and the complete healing of our family. But, it was also made clear again to me tonight (through the same message posted below), that I need to "stop mourning what [God] has already rejected for my life" and "fill my horn with oil and be on my way...to stop judging [my] life based on what [I] can see and take that oil and that joy and...that strength that [I've] got left and...those lessons that [I've] learned" and empty myself out when HE directs me to--not when fear or selfish desire or even selfless intent are at the helm.

God has not rejected you. I have not rejected you. But perhaps God has rejected you for my life. Maybe K and E were always meant to be your family. Maybe their unintentional disobedience or misunderstanding of His will for them back then (or whatever happened that prevented them from adopting you when they had the chance), compounded by our own disobedience and misunderstanding, was the whole reason God led our family to adopt you. Maybe we really were only supposed to bring you to America because of His grace and a second chance for them and you...and growth for us.... He really has taught us SO much through our journey with you. 

I guess we will never know this side of Heaven. But I do know this: 

I'm done mourning. 

I came through on dry land "drippin'" and am full of joy, Lucy. And I have been focused way too long on what we have been through and making that right that I have almost missed all that God has done for me on the other side!! No more. I agree that the past needs to be put to rest...for us both.

I am moving forward. 

I am taking the strength I have left, and that joy, and the lessons I have learned, and will now pour them out on the people God does have for my life. His will and you alone will determine if you ever return as a part of it.

Thank you for this story.... I must now be on my way to write the next. I pray you will continue doing the same <3

Why Did I Go Through All of This? -Steven Furtick 

Spirit of Achan

 "And the city and all that is within it shall be devoted to the Lord for destruction. ...But you, keep yourselves from the things devoted to destruction, lest when you have devoted them you take any of the devoted things and make the camp of Israel a thing for destruction and bring trouble upon it. But all silver and gold, and every vessel of bronze and iron, are holy to the Lord; they shall go into the treasury of the Lord."

"[Achan] made a hasty decision.  Under the cover of confusion and smoke, and with no one close enough to see him, he wrapped his discovery in the garment, put it on like a backpack and took it to his tent.  That evening he dug a hole in the floor and buried his treasure there.  Achan knew he had sinned.  How can we tell?  Because he hid what he had taken." -p. 49, God's Law of First Things

Time continues to go by without any indication that the Lord is redeeming our relationship.  I just didn't get it. "Something was wrong; losing [you forever] wasn't part of the plan" (GLFT, p. 50).  Add to the chasm that has only grown wider between us, so has the chasm between our relationships with God.  We have grown so distracted.  Dad with work, me with school, Josh with friends, Isaac with video games, and all of us with moving from place to place trying to find our "normal" again.  All four of us have found ways to numb ourselves to the reality that things still aren't ok.  

We've heard from you only a handful of times this year, and each time it has only been to demand your documents.  When our answer didn't satisfy you, you got the host family involved...pleading with us on your behalf to help you because "I mean, having to fight rumors you were trafficked because you can't prove citizenship? It's crazy." 

It is crazy.  Almost as crazy as being accused of being human traffickers. 😑

Ugh.

It's not fair.  That's how we feel.  It's not fair that you could blow in and out of our lives like you did, nearly destroying us in your wake, and get to choose what parts of our family you want to keep: like your citizenship status.  It's not fair that you lose all of the documents we did send you, tell us you hate us when we tell you we don't have what you want because we already sent it to you, and viciously note that you are trying to be adopted by the host family because (in reality) we don't serve your master plan anymore.  Regardless of how many cheeks we turn, you continue to be downright cruel.  

Even still, I have been so unsettled about withholding the last remaining copies of your adoption paperwork.  Because they have personal information, we purposely kept them from you.  Dad and I justified our decision over and over to ourselves each time you'd request them.  We gave you everything you needed to live on your own after all.  It's not our fault you lost it all.  Why should we have to put our necks on the line for someone so quick to break them? We'd be stupid to trust you with such critical information after the stunts you already pulled....

Yesterday, while prepping for a Bible study, I was reading about God's law of first things.  While we are blessed when we devote the first of everything (our time, talents, treasure, children) to Him, we remove ourselves out from under that blessing when we choose ourselves, our plans, and our will first instead.  The biblical story of a man, named Achan, was used to illustrate this point.  Achan was part of the crew told to march around the walls of Jericho until God caused the walls to crumble, giving them the city.  They were not to take any of the "devoted" things intended for the "treasury of the LORD," lest they bring trouble on their own homes.  Yet, Achan, believing some light pillaging to be harmless, did exactly that.  As a result, God's blessing of protection on his people went "poof"...they valiantly took Jericho, a mighty force, but then tragically lost Ai to a bunch of men armed with homemade weapons and sticks!  Turns out, they hadn't dealt with Achan. God revealed to Joshua that there was a thief among them and when they dealt with him, His blessing would return (GLFT, p. 51).

 Thoughts of you and our decision to "bury" your adoption papers flooded my mind.  It seemed harmless...logical, really...but the truth is, it reflects the same spirit of Achan: taking what belongs to God and keeping it for ourselves (GLFT, p. 54).  

Just as He used the Israelites to take Jericho, He used us to bring you to America.  And just as He tore down every obstacle for them, He alone did so for us.  The victory was always His.  You wouldn't be here without Him moving so many mountains.  Your citizenship belongs to God alone and should have been devoted to Him from the beginning.  To force justice, to hold on to what little tie we have left to you, we have completely fooled ourselves into believing we've been doing the right thing, storing that treasure away.  

"They feel they can get away with 'breaking' a law, even a spiritual one, simply because they aren't caught doing it or because the law doesn't seem fair to them.  But God has set in place immutable natural and spiritual laws; His response to a lawbreaker is not determined by the pathos of the incident or His sympathy for the person involved. His established laws apply equally to everyone and so must the consequences" (GLFT, p. 51). 

 While God can certainly empathize with our heartache, and understands the unjust cards we've been dealt, His response to our poor decision to rule from His throne and withhold His glory from you has undoubtedly been to our detriment.

"If you ever lose sight of the promise of God, you will be tempted, as Achan was, to grab the tangible now in lieu of the future promise" (GLFT, p. 63). 

The hard truth is, I'm not just worried you'll abuse our personal information.  I also haven't wanted to let go completely.  I'm terrified that if you no longer need us, you'll never look back and decide someday that you want us.  But, I have "to release what is in [my] hand if [I] want to receive the promise of God that is in [my] heart" (GLFT, p. 63).  That promise from the very beginning of our journey together, to deliver you, is so much more important than my desire to be in your life.   

The paperwork, your American citizenship, it's all yours, Lucy.  I hope that once we get everything in order for you, you will finally be free not of us, but free to choose Jesus and us (no longer just faking it from time to time because we have something you want).  Until then, I pray Dad, Josh, Isaac, and I finally find peace again under the safety and victory of His wings.

"The words and promises of the LORD are pure words, like silver refined in an earthen furnace, purified seven times.  You, O LORD, will preserve and keep them...." (Psalm 12:6-7 AMP).

To God alone be the glory.

Places Long Devastated

I can't decide if I'm a glutton for punishment or if it really was the Holy Spirit Who led me to write you.  This past year, we've had minimal communication mostly because the family needed the space to heal.  We needed protection from the written arrows you tend to sling which seem to hit and splay open every wound every time.  And, we needed quiet from the enemy's voice that taunts us into solely blaming ourselves for your pain.  Even in the space, even now, I fear the decision to step back was selfish and wrong.  You're hurting, too.  You're hurting more deeply than we are, I'm sure, and have probably been hurt by many others whom you loved deeply in much more traumatizing ways.  You don't need space; you need support.

The irony of that is, I'm not sure you're capable of receiving it.

Sure, you are more-than-comfortable with monetary support...with reaching out to us and to others asking for the superficial.  But, crying out for what you really need? For what you actually crave?  That requires a level of vulnerability that (I've come to believe) is even hidden from you under layers upon layers of hurt, anger, resentment, and bitterness. 

Just a simple email to check on you resulted in more flying arrows, striking me where I've been most vulnerable.  You used the opportunity to ask for your documents again, then attacked when I reminded you we couldn't help; that we had already sent you the only copies we had. Sweet instantly turned to sour: We "left [you] in the middle of nowhere without knowing English all by [yourself]."  We "swear on God [we] will take care of [you] and look what [we've] done." "K and E always been part of [your] life and always have a special place in [your] heart because when [you] have rough times that's the only people who show up and help [you], who never left [you]." "The only bad choice [you've] made in [your] life, that make [your] life this hard is when [you] let [us] adopt you." You're "sick and tired of everything but [you're] still going through it by [yourself] and with the people who actually care."

I just want to scream, "WE DO CARE!!!! We care so freaking much that we continue to walk again and again into the line of fire to make sure you know that we do!!! YOU ran from US. YOU chose the middle of nowhere by yourself because YOU didn't want US! What could we have done to prove our love to you when YOU reject everything about US?! OVER AND OVER AGAIN?!"

Oh, Luda. We have only ever prayed for and asked for reconciliation. We offered counseling to you back then and the offer still stands now.  We admitted our plethora of shortcomings and asked for your forgiveness. We have been to so much counseling ourselves to get well so we can be better for you. Whether it was the right decision, only God knows, but we've chosen not to help you financially only because you refuse the help you really need...we really need...to heal our family.  The family who still considers you family!  We just want to be more than a bank account you withdraw from.  We don't want to be another little 's' savior getting in your way of finding THE Savior.  We love you with a tough (yes) but FIERCE love that wants you to hit rock bottom only so you will finally look UP.  We fight for your soul at the cost of your approval.

Here I am, reasoning with unreasonable again. <sigh>

This is no easy road, but I am praying in Jesus' Name for you to come to believe that there is no other road I would rather be on if it leads to an eternity in Heaven with our family restored.  We all are simply doing the best we can, which is clearly insufficient.  But our God is a God who rebuilds ancient ruins and restores places long devastated (Is. 61:4).  And even if He doesn't restore us, may He restore you so you can finally drink of His Salvation <3 

"'If you hold on to me for dear life,' says GOD,
 'I'll get you out of any trouble.
I'll give you the best of care
if you'll only get to know and trust Me.
Call Me and I'll answer, be at your side in bad times;
I'll rescue you, then throw you a party.
I'll give you a long life,
give you a long drink of salvation!'"
-Psalm 91:14-17 (The Message)

I love you because He loved you first <3
Mom

Names

"The future is meant to be written in light of the patterns of the past. We can't predict the future, but we can read the patterns of the past to see how God has marked us for His purposes.  He uses the past to open our future.  As we learn to read patterns, we gain an understanding of our calling."

 -Dan B. Allender, To Be Told, p.92.

I never got to know your whole story.  I've only been able to speculate, to fill in the spaces.  I imagine you are intimately familiar with abandonment...with loneliness...with shame.  The patterns of your past scarring more than marking you.  I know you've been named Thief, Liar, Selfish, Promiscuous, and Dangerous; many of the names spoken and written by those of us who were called to love you like Jesus loves you, yet failing miserably in our carnal response to your hurtful actions.  I am so sorry to keep going back and forth, from wide open to completely closed towards you.  I am sorry that I have allowed the opinions of others, and fear, to thwart me from what God has called me to do.  I am sorry that I mistook my calling to simply be your mother.

"Our calling is not what we do--it's how we do it" (Allender, p.97).  

I was called to fearlessly and faithfully be your mother.

Now reading the patterns of my own past, I could be named Fearful or Faithless.  I have been afraid.  I am afraid of giving myself completely to anyone to be betrayed and trashed again.  Just as many situations and relationships etched scars into you; so have many etched their scars into me...not just our experiences with you.  And just as something about our family scratched at your wounds, so your choices scratched at mine.

I have written it before and I stand by it still today: you are not my enemy and we are not yours.  Our real enemy continues to prowl around us both like a hungry lion trying to devour those pieces of us that reflect our God.  Satan wants me to believe my name is Fearful and Faithless.  He wants you to believe that yours is Abandoned and Lonely.  He wants us to see you as Liar and Selfish; he wants you to see us as Untrustworthy and Uninterested.

"However, all the truest themes have to do with what each of us uniquely reveals about God's character.  Our calling is to reveal God through the themes He has woven into our character" (Allender, p.99).

Throughout my life, I was ironically known for being fearless and having faith that moved mountains.  And, in the short time we closely knew you, your strength and courage were always evident.  It was that fearlessness and faithfulness, inner strength and courage, that God worked together to make us a family!  Somewhere along our story together, I lost sight of how I was called to love you: fearlessly and with mighty faith.  My name, Heidi Eileen, actually means "Battle maid and Bringer of Light"! Your given name, Lyudmila, alone means "dearly loved by the people"!  Completely contrary to Fearful and Faithless, Abandoned and Lonely!  

And, Lucy, you are DEARLY LOVED by me <3

I don't think that either of us actually desires to hurt the other or to stay apart.  I can only speak for myself, however.  I know I meant it when I wrote you months back and said I wanted to be a part of your life.  My actions haven't been consistent because my walk with God hasn't been consistent.  But when I am walking close to Him, and looking to Him for guidance concerning you, He always advises me to love you recklessly without fear and with faith that He is still moving mountains.  

People closest to me don't get it.  Your dad doesn't always get it.  Josh doesn't always get it.  Papa doesn't always get it.  Counselors advise me to keep my distance.  Friends think I am stupid.  But it shouldn't matter.  I shouldn't have been looking to them or you or anyone else for advice on how best to handle my relationship with you.  I should have fixed my eyes on Jesus and trusted His plans and purposes for us.  I hope you can understand and forgive me once again for failing to be what He called me to be for you.  I also hope you see how faithfully God Himself continues to pursue your heart, regardless of the screw ups us people can be.

Happy 20th Birthday, Loo.  I am praying that God continues to grab ahold of your heart and to wholly fill those empty places.  Love you always.

Mom

Ready and Willing

I know I told you that I needed to step back; that I need to let you go and no longer lose sight of your brothers in my pursuit of you.  All of that is still true.  I want nothing more than to talk to you, Loo.  I want to hear about your wedding plans and about Kris and life in Alabama.  I've always wanted that.  I care for you deeply.  But the reality is, our conversations never end there.  They have never stayed friendly for long.  Just when it seems like we're growing closer, you pull away often claiming more hurtful things or getting angry seemingly out of nowhere.  For you, I'm sure it seemed like nothing...but it destroyed me every time.

I know that deep down you're hurting and that is why you hurt others.  To protect your heart from being crushed, you do the crushing first.  I will never be able to imagine the depth of the pain you grapple with day-to-day.  And, I am so afraid of being just another person in your life that fuels the lies I think you've come to believe: that you're not worth the fight, that your brokenness is hopeless, that another person is giving up on you.  That fear, those feelings...they consume me.

Please do not mistake my stepping back as giving up.  I love you, Lucy.  Counselors, friends, family...probably even you don't understand how God has sealed you on my heart.  It's awesome really; an answer to so many prayers of mine when we started the process of adoption.  I will always be by your side, fighting for your heart in prayer, begging God to restore your health and joy and our relationship <3  You are our daughter and always will be as far as we're concerned.  Hence, I will continue to write to you here; I still want some way to let you know that you are always on my mind (without getting a piece of yours).

I am sorry if this decision of mine to buffer conversation with you seems out of place and sudden.  I have been counseled for the past two years to do this, to protect the members of the family that didn't leave and to protect myself.  But I just couldn't make the change until recently because of my determination to prove that I love you no matter what.  Only after Jesus gave me the parable of the Prodigal Son did I finally realize I had still been loving you all wrong.

The father in the story of the Prodigal Son didn't chase down the son that walked away from the family, that chose to live his life the way he wanted to...outside of the father's protection and provision.  He didn't wallow in sorrow or ask around town about him.  Instead, he waited at home patiently, carrying on with life there, but ready and willing to receive his son with open arms when the son chose to return.  The father knew and trusted in the sovereignty of God to bring his child back when the time was right; when the son was genuinely humbled and could recognize the love and the blessings he had left behind.

I believe that in your own way, you do love us, Loo.  I believe you never intend to hurt anybody and that you are truly remorseful for the choices you make when you do.  But I have only seen you choose you.  You are a survivor, and you survive at any cost.  And while I can't allow you to survive at the cost of us anymore, I know and trust in the sovereignty of God to make all things new.

I have offered this to you before and the offer still stands: if ever there comes a day when you want help, when you want to break free of this painful cycle of broken homes and relationships, we are always ready and willing to arrange for and go on a journey to healing with you through counseling.  I may not be running all over social media looking for you anymore, obsessing about where you are and what you're doing and how you've been, but I am still here ready and willing to receive you with open arms should you ever humbly return home <3

I love you,
Mom

My Glorious Ruin

 I've been blind...

"'Sin isn't only doing bad things, it is more fundamentally making good things into ultimate things.  Sin is building your life and meaning on anything, even a very good thing, more than on God'" (Tim Keller, as quoted by Tchividjian, p.158).

I built my identity on adopting you.  I made an idol of our journey and worshipped at the altar of Good Reputation.  I pushed "past the Giver to grab for the gift" and began building my life on our incredible story and the possibility of an even more incredible ending instead of on God's incredible gospel (Tchividjian, p.168).  And "whenever what we've depended on for meaning--and it's usually one of God's good gifts--is stripped away, our first reaction tends to be one of anger, self-pity, blame, and entitlement" (Tchividjian, p.24).  I've cycled through the gamut of these emotions since you were stripped away from me.

I've been suffering a lot and alone, but I haven't suffered honestly.  Sure...I openly wrote and spoke about my heartbreak...but (for the most part) I slapped a smile and all the right words on my pain until I just couldn't anymore.  Then, I disappeared...I've stepped back from all things social, stepped out of friendships, and stepped completely away from the world we once shared with you...keeping anyone from getting too close to see the mess that's now me.

You're right.  I do care too much about what others think.  And I haven't wanted anyone to know just how faithless I've been.

"God does not get things done in the world by merely adding a new coat of paint; He brings the house down to the foundation so He can build something new" (Tchividjian, p.169).

Praise God there's no stepping away or hiding from Him.  Two years of running in circles, trying to avoid dealing with the reality that you may never come to know Jesus or our love for you, and I'm officially stripped down to my core.  I surrender.

"Suffering has a way of stripping all resources away from us so that in the end, all that we have is the only thing that matters: the approval of God based on the accomplished work of Jesus" (Tchividjian, p.185).  

I see now how I reduced His "Good News to its results."  Hence, when you left and the results of our good works weren't great, my own false reality collapsed and I've been lost since.  I've been struggling to grasp that although all things are possible with God, not all things are guaranteed this side of Heaven.  I've become "embittered and despondent" and mistrustful of God in the process, doubting my desire to follow Him at all if following Him means I'm to be left hanging out to dry (Tchividjian, p.162).

But, I recognize now that all along my faith has been misplaced.  I've been grabbing onto performance after performance, good deed after good deed, to gain the Lord's approval and the approval of others.  I've been praying without ceasing that your idols would be torn down, arrogantly forgetting to tear down my own.  You saw straight through me, Loo, and right past my love.  I saw through you and right past His.

Now, I have nothing left...no relationship or communication with you or with many others...no miraculous testimony...no new grand feat to cling on to...no "righteous" tasks to obediently accomplish.  Even God has gone silent.  He hasn't been giving me advice on how to win your heart or been refueling my hope or making any more promises that you'll come back to Him or to our family.  Most frustratingly, He hasn't been revealing how to overcome the depression that's taken over.

This morning, the scales from my eyes were removed.  Pain on this earth is a reminder that there is nothing we can do, "that things aren't as they should be", that we're broken (Tchividjian, p.69).  Pain brings us to the end of our rope, and "only when God drives us to the end of ourselves do we begin to see life in the gospel...only those who stand in need of a savior will look or recognize a savior" (Tchividjian, p.144).      

This suffering hasn't been a punishment, but His gift to me.  It's His answer to my prayers year after year to grow deeper into Him and to fully grasp His gift of salvation.  I finally understand how I've mistakenly considered "grace as something of a supplement to whatever is left of [my] human will and power," seeking ways to obey, to be better, and looking for earthly rewards as affirmation that I'm on the right track.  However, "contrary to popular belief, Christianity is not about good people getting better.  If anything, it is about bad people coping with their failure to be good" (Tchividjian, p.78).  We failed with you, and that's ok.  I'm failing to overcome grieving the loss of you, and that's also ok.  I have nothing left to give and no direction to go and that is precisely where He needs me: Broken. "Jesus has already overcome!  Among our glorious ruin, Jesus is strong, so we're free to be weak; Jesus won, so we're free to lose; Jesus was somebody, so we can be a nobody; Jesus was extraordinary, so we are free to be ordinary; and Jesus succeeded for us, so we are free to fail" (Tchividjian, p.170)!

"Our ruin may not ultimately spell our undoing.  It may in fact spell the beginning of faith.  And in the end, that is enough.  Gloriously so" (Tchividjian, p.26).

I've accepted Jesus in word and deed, but only now has He gotten through to my heart.  All this time I saw the ending of our story as Jesus winning your heart through me, but He has won mine through you <3




With God all things are possible, but all things aren't guaranteed this side of Heaven.

Missing the Story for the Chapters

I saw this today.  I imagine this pretty much sums up how you feel.  I've been assuming a lot based on the snippet of my experiences with you, then been writing about those assumptions.  I can imagine that's pretty frustrating for you.

I need you to know, Loo, that I finally get it.  And I'm sorry.

Obviously, I'll never fully understand everything...and some of the choices you make will likely continue to drive me nuts because I can't fully understand.  Our family did walk in on only one chapter of your story, and we never got to know even half of it.  You hold the truth close.  And there's probably good reason.  God knows what You've actually been through.  Selfishly, I just wish you would have been brave enough to share all that's happened to you upfront because I do know my heart.  And my heart breaks for the broken.  If you would have opened up to me, I wouldn't have seen the attitude or the promiscuity or the triangulation or the rebellion.  I promise you, I would have seen the beautiful, but hurting, little girl deep inside you hiding behind it all instead.  I tried...try...to see her anyway, but I'm human, too.

When I replied to your hurtful words over Messenger, writing that I care for you a lot but that you've never let me, that's probably the most honest I've been, even with myself.  You did hurt me, Luda, but not in the way you think.  It's not the accusations you make, the lies, the manipulation, or the involvement of CPS or the police or even DHS years ago that I'm trying to get over.  It's the time you took away when you left.  It wasn't fair of me to expect your trust right away.  That needed to be earned over time...a long time.... But you only gave our family less than one year.  We, nor you, showed one another near enough grace.  Because of my education in psychology, I was prepared for adopting a teenager to be hard, but knowing something and living it are two different beasts.

Please understand that you judged our story on one chapter, too.  And that chapter could have been entitled, "Learning Curve".  Learning curves are never fun for anyone--I'm so bummed that you never got to experience the best side of us, nor did we of you :(

That's what hurts the most.  I never got to see your heart, but because I know ours I did see what could have been and I continue to grieve what you won't let be.  You may have given us a chance, Loo, but you never gave us a fighting chance.

All I knew to do once you left, was to fight for us both.  That's what these letters were meant to be-- my heart's cry to the Lord for restoration; a connection to you when/if you ever wanted it.  They were never meant to irritate you or offend you or cause you trouble or to garner attention for myself.  They were purposed to take back just a piece of the time you stole when you chose never to return to us, to prove to you that I meant what I said to you over and over: that I love you no matter what.  Because I do!  And I don't have to know you intimately to feel this way because God answered my prayers before you ever stepped foot in our lives to give me His heart for the child he brought to us.

I'm not blind; I've seen what you've done.  I'm not dumb either; hence, I tread carefully whenever you do reach out, and truthfully, I'm not all that anxious to let you back in to every facet of our lives.  But nothing you've done or do or say, nor the way I feel from one day to the next, changes my decision.  I chose to love you, Luda, because Jesus does.  And I've never stopped.

That's my truth.