I've been blind...
"'Sin isn't only doing bad things, it is more fundamentally making good things into ultimate things. Sin is building your life and meaning on anything, even a very good thing, more than on God'" (Tim Keller, as quoted by Tchividjian, p.158).
I built my identity on adopting you. I made an idol of our journey and worshipped at the altar of Good Reputation. I pushed "past the Giver to grab for the gift" and began building my life on our incredible story and the possibility of an even more incredible ending instead of on God's incredible gospel (Tchividjian, p.168). And "whenever what we've depended on for meaning--and it's usually one of God's good gifts--is stripped away, our first reaction tends to be one of anger, self-pity, blame, and entitlement" (Tchividjian, p.24). I've cycled through the gamut of these emotions since you were stripped away from me.
I've been suffering a lot and alone, but I haven't suffered honestly. Sure...I openly wrote and spoke about my heartbreak...but (for the most part) I slapped a smile and all the right words on my pain until I just couldn't anymore. Then, I disappeared...I've stepped back from all things social, stepped out of friendships, and stepped completely away from the world we once shared with you...keeping anyone from getting too close to see the mess that's now me.
You're right. I do care too much about what others think. And I haven't wanted anyone to know just how faithless I've been.
"God does not get things done in the world by merely adding a new coat of paint; He brings the house down to the foundation so He can build something new" (Tchividjian, p.169).
Praise God there's no stepping away or hiding from Him. Two years of running in circles, trying to avoid dealing with the reality that you may never come to know Jesus or our love for you, and I'm officially stripped down to my core. I surrender.
"Suffering has a way of stripping all resources away from us so that in the end, all that we have is the only thing that matters: the approval of God based on the accomplished work of Jesus" (Tchividjian, p.185).
I see now how I reduced His "Good News to its results." Hence, when you left and the results of our good works weren't great, my own false reality collapsed and I've been lost since. I've been struggling to grasp that although all things are possible with God, not all things are guaranteed this side of Heaven. I've become "embittered and despondent" and mistrustful of God in the process, doubting my desire to follow Him at all if following Him means I'm to be left hanging out to dry (Tchividjian, p.162).
But, I recognize now that all along my faith has been misplaced. I've been grabbing onto performance after performance, good deed after good deed, to gain the Lord's approval and the approval of others. I've been praying without ceasing that your idols would be torn down, arrogantly forgetting to tear down my own. You saw straight through me, Loo, and right past my love. I saw through you and right past His.
Now, I have nothing left...no relationship or communication with you or with many others...no miraculous testimony...no new grand feat to cling on to...no "righteous" tasks to obediently accomplish. Even God has gone silent. He hasn't been giving me advice on how to win your heart or been refueling my hope or making any more promises that you'll come back to Him or to our family. Most frustratingly, He hasn't been revealing how to overcome the depression that's taken over.
This morning, the scales from my eyes were removed. Pain on this earth is a reminder that there is nothing we can do, "that things aren't as they should be", that we're broken (Tchividjian, p.69). Pain brings us to the end of our rope, and "only when God drives us to the end of ourselves do we begin to see life in the gospel...only those who stand in need of a savior will look or recognize a savior" (Tchividjian, p.144).
This suffering hasn't been a punishment, but His gift to me. It's His answer to my prayers year after year to grow deeper into Him and to fully grasp His gift of salvation. I finally understand how I've mistakenly considered "grace as something of a supplement to whatever is left of [my] human will and power," seeking ways to obey, to be better, and looking for earthly rewards as affirmation that I'm on the right track. However, "contrary to popular belief, Christianity is not about good people getting better. If anything, it is about bad people coping with their failure to be good" (Tchividjian, p.78). We failed with you, and that's ok. I'm failing to overcome grieving the loss of you, and that's also ok. I have nothing left to give and no direction to go and that is precisely where He needs me: Broken. "Jesus has already overcome! Among our glorious ruin, Jesus is strong, so we're free to be weak; Jesus won, so we're free to lose; Jesus was somebody, so we can be a nobody; Jesus was extraordinary, so we are free to be ordinary; and Jesus succeeded for us, so we are free to fail" (Tchividjian, p.170)!
"Our ruin may not ultimately spell our undoing. It may in fact spell the beginning of faith. And in the end, that is enough. Gloriously so" (Tchividjian, p.26).
I've accepted Jesus in word and deed, but only now has He gotten through to my heart. All this time I saw the ending of our story as Jesus winning your heart through me, but He has won mine through you <3
With God all things are possible, but all things aren't guaranteed this side of Heaven.
"'Sin isn't only doing bad things, it is more fundamentally making good things into ultimate things. Sin is building your life and meaning on anything, even a very good thing, more than on God'" (Tim Keller, as quoted by Tchividjian, p.158).
I built my identity on adopting you. I made an idol of our journey and worshipped at the altar of Good Reputation. I pushed "past the Giver to grab for the gift" and began building my life on our incredible story and the possibility of an even more incredible ending instead of on God's incredible gospel (Tchividjian, p.168). And "whenever what we've depended on for meaning--and it's usually one of God's good gifts--is stripped away, our first reaction tends to be one of anger, self-pity, blame, and entitlement" (Tchividjian, p.24). I've cycled through the gamut of these emotions since you were stripped away from me.
I've been suffering a lot and alone, but I haven't suffered honestly. Sure...I openly wrote and spoke about my heartbreak...but (for the most part) I slapped a smile and all the right words on my pain until I just couldn't anymore. Then, I disappeared...I've stepped back from all things social, stepped out of friendships, and stepped completely away from the world we once shared with you...keeping anyone from getting too close to see the mess that's now me.
You're right. I do care too much about what others think. And I haven't wanted anyone to know just how faithless I've been.
"God does not get things done in the world by merely adding a new coat of paint; He brings the house down to the foundation so He can build something new" (Tchividjian, p.169).
Praise God there's no stepping away or hiding from Him. Two years of running in circles, trying to avoid dealing with the reality that you may never come to know Jesus or our love for you, and I'm officially stripped down to my core. I surrender.
"Suffering has a way of stripping all resources away from us so that in the end, all that we have is the only thing that matters: the approval of God based on the accomplished work of Jesus" (Tchividjian, p.185).
I see now how I reduced His "Good News to its results." Hence, when you left and the results of our good works weren't great, my own false reality collapsed and I've been lost since. I've been struggling to grasp that although all things are possible with God, not all things are guaranteed this side of Heaven. I've become "embittered and despondent" and mistrustful of God in the process, doubting my desire to follow Him at all if following Him means I'm to be left hanging out to dry (Tchividjian, p.162).
But, I recognize now that all along my faith has been misplaced. I've been grabbing onto performance after performance, good deed after good deed, to gain the Lord's approval and the approval of others. I've been praying without ceasing that your idols would be torn down, arrogantly forgetting to tear down my own. You saw straight through me, Loo, and right past my love. I saw through you and right past His.
Now, I have nothing left...no relationship or communication with you or with many others...no miraculous testimony...no new grand feat to cling on to...no "righteous" tasks to obediently accomplish. Even God has gone silent. He hasn't been giving me advice on how to win your heart or been refueling my hope or making any more promises that you'll come back to Him or to our family. Most frustratingly, He hasn't been revealing how to overcome the depression that's taken over.
This morning, the scales from my eyes were removed. Pain on this earth is a reminder that there is nothing we can do, "that things aren't as they should be", that we're broken (Tchividjian, p.69). Pain brings us to the end of our rope, and "only when God drives us to the end of ourselves do we begin to see life in the gospel...only those who stand in need of a savior will look or recognize a savior" (Tchividjian, p.144).
This suffering hasn't been a punishment, but His gift to me. It's His answer to my prayers year after year to grow deeper into Him and to fully grasp His gift of salvation. I finally understand how I've mistakenly considered "grace as something of a supplement to whatever is left of [my] human will and power," seeking ways to obey, to be better, and looking for earthly rewards as affirmation that I'm on the right track. However, "contrary to popular belief, Christianity is not about good people getting better. If anything, it is about bad people coping with their failure to be good" (Tchividjian, p.78). We failed with you, and that's ok. I'm failing to overcome grieving the loss of you, and that's also ok. I have nothing left to give and no direction to go and that is precisely where He needs me: Broken. "Jesus has already overcome! Among our glorious ruin, Jesus is strong, so we're free to be weak; Jesus won, so we're free to lose; Jesus was somebody, so we can be a nobody; Jesus was extraordinary, so we are free to be ordinary; and Jesus succeeded for us, so we are free to fail" (Tchividjian, p.170)!
"Our ruin may not ultimately spell our undoing. It may in fact spell the beginning of faith. And in the end, that is enough. Gloriously so" (Tchividjian, p.26).
I've accepted Jesus in word and deed, but only now has He gotten through to my heart. All this time I saw the ending of our story as Jesus winning your heart through me, but He has won mine through you <3
With God all things are possible, but all things aren't guaranteed this side of Heaven.
