Drippin'

God is so cool. At the beginning of last month, you texted me and asked me for the address to this blog. I went to it to share the link with you and noticed that the day you asked was almost a year exactly from the day I wrote my last letter to you...from surrendering my Achan-like spirit and the last copy of your citizenship. And, only last month had I realized just all that God had done in response! 

You were surprised that I haven't written anything for a year and rightfully so. There has never been a shortage of words to write when it came to our story. You were always on my mind and always a subject I was bringing before Him. And although you will forever be on my heart, the fact that I haven't been led to write since that moment of surrender directly reflects the peace I have finally found and have genuinely felt with His will...whatever that is regarding our relationship status with you.... Add to this: the fact that I even knew you were surprised is because you have been texting me and sharing your life with me and asking me about ours, which directly reflects the level of communication we had grown to have as a result of that peace! 

In fact, for seven months now, you and I have been texting back and forth...sometimes almost daily, but almost always weekly <3 Sure, we're both a little guarded and we don't talk too deeply about much too often. Even still, in the past year I have had the opportunity to not only see more ways in which I have stumbled, but to share them directly with you and seek your forgiveness in real time, and to be asked by you to be forgiven for the mistakes you have made! I even got to see a video from your new home where you have pictures of our family set up and to hear about your new man and his awesome family who actually know about us and your story and who love Jesus and who (of course) also love you.

I have been over-the-moon believing that our season of restoration might be just around the corner!!

You can imagine, then, my complete deflation when I woke up to your text this morning:

 

"Noooooooo, God!!!!" That's all I could think. "Why now?! We were closer to healing than ever! Why can't she see the whole picture of each letter this time...the beautiful endings where I close with how you worked through that moment's painful emotions to bring me such hopeful truths and reminders of Your fierce love for her and for us? Why is she only reading judgement and blame and writing now as though we didn't want a better life for her or weren't trying to help her understand Your Word?" 

Panic set in and clamor for control immediately re-commenced. 

And God's Hand of blessing and protection was immediately revoked.

I am sorry I overstepped. I am sorry I involved your boyfriend and asked for him to help, to support you while you read all of the letters and to help you understand them! I write SO many words and I fear most of my heart is getting lost in Google translation. But that's just it isn't it: 

fear isn't from the Lord (2 Tim. 1:7).

Sigh.

The enemy got the upper hand today. 

BUT GOD.

God has restored my peace and reminded me that just as the Israelites' journey didn't end with their deliverance...when their enemies were drowned after they walked across the sea on dry land...neither has ours. God continued to provide richly for His people on the other side (granting them the opportunity to plunder the very people group that enslaved them!! Exodus 12:36). 

And so He has continued to provide/is providing richly for us. 

Satan isn't going to just "let you [or me] go easy...because [we're] valuable." And while we have each been delivered from the past in our own individual ways, that "freedom isn't [always] going to come with a good feeling...but by force, focus, and frequency" (Steven Furtick--see video included).

Today, I lost my focus on the force that is God (again) and it definitely hasn't been a good feeling.

Of course I hope that we can move past today and will always welcome restoration and the complete healing of our family. But, it was also made clear again to me tonight (through the same message posted below), that I need to "stop mourning what [God] has already rejected for my life" and "fill my horn with oil and be on my way...to stop judging [my] life based on what [I] can see and take that oil and that joy and...that strength that [I've] got left and...those lessons that [I've] learned" and empty myself out when HE directs me to--not when fear or selfish desire or even selfless intent are at the helm.

God has not rejected you. I have not rejected you. But perhaps God has rejected you for my life. Maybe K and E were always meant to be your family. Maybe their unintentional disobedience or misunderstanding of His will for them back then (or whatever happened that prevented them from adopting you when they had the chance), compounded by our own disobedience and misunderstanding, was the whole reason God led our family to adopt you. Maybe we really were only supposed to bring you to America because of His grace and a second chance for them and you...and growth for us.... He really has taught us SO much through our journey with you. 

I guess we will never know this side of Heaven. But I do know this: 

I'm done mourning. 

I came through on dry land "drippin'" and am full of joy, Lucy. And I have been focused way too long on what we have been through and making that right that I have almost missed all that God has done for me on the other side!! No more. I agree that the past needs to be put to rest...for us both.

I am moving forward. 

I am taking the strength I have left, and that joy, and the lessons I have learned, and will now pour them out on the people God does have for my life. His will and you alone will determine if you ever return as a part of it.

Thank you for this story.... I must now be on my way to write the next. I pray you will continue doing the same <3

Why Did I Go Through All of This? -Steven Furtick 

Spirit of Achan

 "And the city and all that is within it shall be devoted to the Lord for destruction. ...But you, keep yourselves from the things devoted to destruction, lest when you have devoted them you take any of the devoted things and make the camp of Israel a thing for destruction and bring trouble upon it. But all silver and gold, and every vessel of bronze and iron, are holy to the Lord; they shall go into the treasury of the Lord."

"[Achan] made a hasty decision.  Under the cover of confusion and smoke, and with no one close enough to see him, he wrapped his discovery in the garment, put it on like a backpack and took it to his tent.  That evening he dug a hole in the floor and buried his treasure there.  Achan knew he had sinned.  How can we tell?  Because he hid what he had taken." -p. 49, God's Law of First Things

Time continues to go by without any indication that the Lord is redeeming our relationship.  I just didn't get it. "Something was wrong; losing [you forever] wasn't part of the plan" (GLFT, p. 50).  Add to the chasm that has only grown wider between us, so has the chasm between our relationships with God.  We have grown so distracted.  Dad with work, me with school, Josh with friends, Isaac with video games, and all of us with moving from place to place trying to find our "normal" again.  All four of us have found ways to numb ourselves to the reality that things still aren't ok.  

We've heard from you only a handful of times this year, and each time it has only been to demand your documents.  When our answer didn't satisfy you, you got the host family involved...pleading with us on your behalf to help you because "I mean, having to fight rumors you were trafficked because you can't prove citizenship? It's crazy." 

It is crazy.  Almost as crazy as being accused of being human traffickers. 😑

Ugh.

It's not fair.  That's how we feel.  It's not fair that you could blow in and out of our lives like you did, nearly destroying us in your wake, and get to choose what parts of our family you want to keep: like your citizenship status.  It's not fair that you lose all of the documents we did send you, tell us you hate us when we tell you we don't have what you want because we already sent it to you, and viciously note that you are trying to be adopted by the host family because (in reality) we don't serve your master plan anymore.  Regardless of how many cheeks we turn, you continue to be downright cruel.  

Even still, I have been so unsettled about withholding the last remaining copies of your adoption paperwork.  Because they have personal information, we purposely kept them from you.  Dad and I justified our decision over and over to ourselves each time you'd request them.  We gave you everything you needed to live on your own after all.  It's not our fault you lost it all.  Why should we have to put our necks on the line for someone so quick to break them? We'd be stupid to trust you with such critical information after the stunts you already pulled....

Yesterday, while prepping for a Bible study, I was reading about God's law of first things.  While we are blessed when we devote the first of everything (our time, talents, treasure, children) to Him, we remove ourselves out from under that blessing when we choose ourselves, our plans, and our will first instead.  The biblical story of a man, named Achan, was used to illustrate this point.  Achan was part of the crew told to march around the walls of Jericho until God caused the walls to crumble, giving them the city.  They were not to take any of the "devoted" things intended for the "treasury of the LORD," lest they bring trouble on their own homes.  Yet, Achan, believing some light pillaging to be harmless, did exactly that.  As a result, God's blessing of protection on his people went "poof"...they valiantly took Jericho, a mighty force, but then tragically lost Ai to a bunch of men armed with homemade weapons and sticks!  Turns out, they hadn't dealt with Achan. God revealed to Joshua that there was a thief among them and when they dealt with him, His blessing would return (GLFT, p. 51).

 Thoughts of you and our decision to "bury" your adoption papers flooded my mind.  It seemed harmless...logical, really...but the truth is, it reflects the same spirit of Achan: taking what belongs to God and keeping it for ourselves (GLFT, p. 54).  

Just as He used the Israelites to take Jericho, He used us to bring you to America.  And just as He tore down every obstacle for them, He alone did so for us.  The victory was always His.  You wouldn't be here without Him moving so many mountains.  Your citizenship belongs to God alone and should have been devoted to Him from the beginning.  To force justice, to hold on to what little tie we have left to you, we have completely fooled ourselves into believing we've been doing the right thing, storing that treasure away.  

"They feel they can get away with 'breaking' a law, even a spiritual one, simply because they aren't caught doing it or because the law doesn't seem fair to them.  But God has set in place immutable natural and spiritual laws; His response to a lawbreaker is not determined by the pathos of the incident or His sympathy for the person involved. His established laws apply equally to everyone and so must the consequences" (GLFT, p. 51). 

 While God can certainly empathize with our heartache, and understands the unjust cards we've been dealt, His response to our poor decision to rule from His throne and withhold His glory from you has undoubtedly been to our detriment.

"If you ever lose sight of the promise of God, you will be tempted, as Achan was, to grab the tangible now in lieu of the future promise" (GLFT, p. 63). 

The hard truth is, I'm not just worried you'll abuse our personal information.  I also haven't wanted to let go completely.  I'm terrified that if you no longer need us, you'll never look back and decide someday that you want us.  But, I have "to release what is in [my] hand if [I] want to receive the promise of God that is in [my] heart" (GLFT, p. 63).  That promise from the very beginning of our journey together, to deliver you, is so much more important than my desire to be in your life.   

The paperwork, your American citizenship, it's all yours, Lucy.  I hope that once we get everything in order for you, you will finally be free not of us, but free to choose Jesus and us (no longer just faking it from time to time because we have something you want).  Until then, I pray Dad, Josh, Isaac, and I finally find peace again under the safety and victory of His wings.

"The words and promises of the LORD are pure words, like silver refined in an earthen furnace, purified seven times.  You, O LORD, will preserve and keep them...." (Psalm 12:6-7 AMP).

To God alone be the glory.

Places Long Devastated

I can't decide if I'm a glutton for punishment or if it really was the Holy Spirit Who led me to write you.  This past year, we've had minimal communication mostly because the family needed the space to heal.  We needed protection from the written arrows you tend to sling which seem to hit and splay open every wound every time.  And, we needed quiet from the enemy's voice that taunts us into solely blaming ourselves for your pain.  Even in the space, even now, I fear the decision to step back was selfish and wrong.  You're hurting, too.  You're hurting more deeply than we are, I'm sure, and have probably been hurt by many others whom you loved deeply in much more traumatizing ways.  You don't need space; you need support.

The irony of that is, I'm not sure you're capable of receiving it.

Sure, you are more-than-comfortable with monetary support...with reaching out to us and to others asking for the superficial.  But, crying out for what you really need? For what you actually crave?  That requires a level of vulnerability that (I've come to believe) is even hidden from you under layers upon layers of hurt, anger, resentment, and bitterness. 

Just a simple email to check on you resulted in more flying arrows, striking me where I've been most vulnerable.  You used the opportunity to ask for your documents again, then attacked when I reminded you we couldn't help; that we had already sent you the only copies we had. Sweet instantly turned to sour: We "left [you] in the middle of nowhere without knowing English all by [yourself]."  We "swear on God [we] will take care of [you] and look what [we've] done." "K and E always been part of [your] life and always have a special place in [your] heart because when [you] have rough times that's the only people who show up and help [you], who never left [you]." "The only bad choice [you've] made in [your] life, that make [your] life this hard is when [you] let [us] adopt you." You're "sick and tired of everything but [you're] still going through it by [yourself] and with the people who actually care."

I just want to scream, "WE DO CARE!!!! We care so freaking much that we continue to walk again and again into the line of fire to make sure you know that we do!!! YOU ran from US. YOU chose the middle of nowhere by yourself because YOU didn't want US! What could we have done to prove our love to you when YOU reject everything about US?! OVER AND OVER AGAIN?!"

Oh, Luda. We have only ever prayed for and asked for reconciliation. We offered counseling to you back then and the offer still stands now.  We admitted our plethora of shortcomings and asked for your forgiveness. We have been to so much counseling ourselves to get well so we can be better for you. Whether it was the right decision, only God knows, but we've chosen not to help you financially only because you refuse the help you really need...we really need...to heal our family.  The family who still considers you family!  We just want to be more than a bank account you withdraw from.  We don't want to be another little 's' savior getting in your way of finding THE Savior.  We love you with a tough (yes) but FIERCE love that wants you to hit rock bottom only so you will finally look UP.  We fight for your soul at the cost of your approval.

Here I am, reasoning with unreasonable again. <sigh>

This is no easy road, but I am praying in Jesus' Name for you to come to believe that there is no other road I would rather be on if it leads to an eternity in Heaven with our family restored.  We all are simply doing the best we can, which is clearly insufficient.  But our God is a God who rebuilds ancient ruins and restores places long devastated (Is. 61:4).  And even if He doesn't restore us, may He restore you so you can finally drink of His Salvation <3 

"'If you hold on to me for dear life,' says GOD,
 'I'll get you out of any trouble.
I'll give you the best of care
if you'll only get to know and trust Me.
Call Me and I'll answer, be at your side in bad times;
I'll rescue you, then throw you a party.
I'll give you a long life,
give you a long drink of salvation!'"
-Psalm 91:14-17 (The Message)

I love you because He loved you first <3
Mom

Names

"The future is meant to be written in light of the patterns of the past. We can't predict the future, but we can read the patterns of the past to see how God has marked us for His purposes.  He uses the past to open our future.  As we learn to read patterns, we gain an understanding of our calling."

 -Dan B. Allender, To Be Told, p.92.

I never got to know your whole story.  I've only been able to speculate, to fill in the spaces.  I imagine you are intimately familiar with abandonment...with loneliness...with shame.  The patterns of your past scarring more than marking you.  I know you've been named Thief, Liar, Selfish, Promiscuous, and Dangerous; many of the names spoken and written by those of us who were called to love you like Jesus loves you, yet failing miserably in our carnal response to your hurtful actions.  I am so sorry to keep going back and forth, from wide open to completely closed towards you.  I am sorry that I have allowed the opinions of others, and fear, to thwart me from what God has called me to do.  I am sorry that I mistook my calling to simply be your mother.

"Our calling is not what we do--it's how we do it" (Allender, p.97).  

I was called to fearlessly and faithfully be your mother.

Now reading the patterns of my own past, I could be named Fearful or Faithless.  I have been afraid.  I am afraid of giving myself completely to anyone to be betrayed and trashed again.  Just as many situations and relationships etched scars into you; so have many etched their scars into me...not just our experiences with you.  And just as something about our family scratched at your wounds, so your choices scratched at mine.

I have written it before and I stand by it still today: you are not my enemy and we are not yours.  Our real enemy continues to prowl around us both like a hungry lion trying to devour those pieces of us that reflect our God.  Satan wants me to believe my name is Fearful and Faithless.  He wants you to believe that yours is Abandoned and Lonely.  He wants us to see you as Liar and Selfish; he wants you to see us as Untrustworthy and Uninterested.

"However, all the truest themes have to do with what each of us uniquely reveals about God's character.  Our calling is to reveal God through the themes He has woven into our character" (Allender, p.99).

Throughout my life, I was ironically known for being fearless and having faith that moved mountains.  And, in the short time we closely knew you, your strength and courage were always evident.  It was that fearlessness and faithfulness, inner strength and courage, that God worked together to make us a family!  Somewhere along our story together, I lost sight of how I was called to love you: fearlessly and with mighty faith.  My name, Heidi Eileen, actually means "Battle maid and Bringer of Light"! Your given name, Lyudmila, alone means "dearly loved by the people"!  Completely contrary to Fearful and Faithless, Abandoned and Lonely!  

And, Lucy, you are DEARLY LOVED by me <3

I don't think that either of us actually desires to hurt the other or to stay apart.  I can only speak for myself, however.  I know I meant it when I wrote you months back and said I wanted to be a part of your life.  My actions haven't been consistent because my walk with God hasn't been consistent.  But when I am walking close to Him, and looking to Him for guidance concerning you, He always advises me to love you recklessly without fear and with faith that He is still moving mountains.  

People closest to me don't get it.  Your dad doesn't always get it.  Josh doesn't always get it.  Papa doesn't always get it.  Counselors advise me to keep my distance.  Friends think I am stupid.  But it shouldn't matter.  I shouldn't have been looking to them or you or anyone else for advice on how best to handle my relationship with you.  I should have fixed my eyes on Jesus and trusted His plans and purposes for us.  I hope you can understand and forgive me once again for failing to be what He called me to be for you.  I also hope you see how faithfully God Himself continues to pursue your heart, regardless of the screw ups us people can be.

Happy 20th Birthday, Loo.  I am praying that God continues to grab ahold of your heart and to wholly fill those empty places.  Love you always.

Mom

Ready and Willing

I know I told you that I needed to step back; that I need to let you go and no longer lose sight of your brothers in my pursuit of you.  All of that is still true.  I want nothing more than to talk to you, Loo.  I want to hear about your wedding plans and about Kris and life in Alabama.  I've always wanted that.  I care for you deeply.  But the reality is, our conversations never end there.  They have never stayed friendly for long.  Just when it seems like we're growing closer, you pull away often claiming more hurtful things or getting angry seemingly out of nowhere.  For you, I'm sure it seemed like nothing...but it destroyed me every time.

I know that deep down you're hurting and that is why you hurt others.  To protect your heart from being crushed, you do the crushing first.  I will never be able to imagine the depth of the pain you grapple with day-to-day.  And, I am so afraid of being just another person in your life that fuels the lies I think you've come to believe: that you're not worth the fight, that your brokenness is hopeless, that another person is giving up on you.  That fear, those feelings...they consume me.

Please do not mistake my stepping back as giving up.  I love you, Lucy.  Counselors, friends, family...probably even you don't understand how God has sealed you on my heart.  It's awesome really; an answer to so many prayers of mine when we started the process of adoption.  I will always be by your side, fighting for your heart in prayer, begging God to restore your health and joy and our relationship <3  You are our daughter and always will be as far as we're concerned.  Hence, I will continue to write to you here; I still want some way to let you know that you are always on my mind (without getting a piece of yours).

I am sorry if this decision of mine to buffer conversation with you seems out of place and sudden.  I have been counseled for the past two years to do this, to protect the members of the family that didn't leave and to protect myself.  But I just couldn't make the change until recently because of my determination to prove that I love you no matter what.  Only after Jesus gave me the parable of the Prodigal Son did I finally realize I had still been loving you all wrong.

The father in the story of the Prodigal Son didn't chase down the son that walked away from the family, that chose to live his life the way he wanted to...outside of the father's protection and provision.  He didn't wallow in sorrow or ask around town about him.  Instead, he waited at home patiently, carrying on with life there, but ready and willing to receive his son with open arms when the son chose to return.  The father knew and trusted in the sovereignty of God to bring his child back when the time was right; when the son was genuinely humbled and could recognize the love and the blessings he had left behind.

I believe that in your own way, you do love us, Loo.  I believe you never intend to hurt anybody and that you are truly remorseful for the choices you make when you do.  But I have only seen you choose you.  You are a survivor, and you survive at any cost.  And while I can't allow you to survive at the cost of us anymore, I know and trust in the sovereignty of God to make all things new.

I have offered this to you before and the offer still stands: if ever there comes a day when you want help, when you want to break free of this painful cycle of broken homes and relationships, we are always ready and willing to arrange for and go on a journey to healing with you through counseling.  I may not be running all over social media looking for you anymore, obsessing about where you are and what you're doing and how you've been, but I am still here ready and willing to receive you with open arms should you ever humbly return home <3

I love you,
Mom

My Glorious Ruin

 I've been blind...

"'Sin isn't only doing bad things, it is more fundamentally making good things into ultimate things.  Sin is building your life and meaning on anything, even a very good thing, more than on God'" (Tim Keller, as quoted by Tchividjian, p.158).

I built my identity on adopting you.  I made an idol of our journey and worshipped at the altar of Good Reputation.  I pushed "past the Giver to grab for the gift" and began building my life on our incredible story and the possibility of an even more incredible ending instead of on God's incredible gospel (Tchividjian, p.168).  And "whenever what we've depended on for meaning--and it's usually one of God's good gifts--is stripped away, our first reaction tends to be one of anger, self-pity, blame, and entitlement" (Tchividjian, p.24).  I've cycled through the gamut of these emotions since you were stripped away from me.

I've been suffering a lot and alone, but I haven't suffered honestly.  Sure...I openly wrote and spoke about my heartbreak...but (for the most part) I slapped a smile and all the right words on my pain until I just couldn't anymore.  Then, I disappeared...I've stepped back from all things social, stepped out of friendships, and stepped completely away from the world we once shared with you...keeping anyone from getting too close to see the mess that's now me.

You're right.  I do care too much about what others think.  And I haven't wanted anyone to know just how faithless I've been.

"God does not get things done in the world by merely adding a new coat of paint; He brings the house down to the foundation so He can build something new" (Tchividjian, p.169).

Praise God there's no stepping away or hiding from Him.  Two years of running in circles, trying to avoid dealing with the reality that you may never come to know Jesus or our love for you, and I'm officially stripped down to my core.  I surrender.

"Suffering has a way of stripping all resources away from us so that in the end, all that we have is the only thing that matters: the approval of God based on the accomplished work of Jesus" (Tchividjian, p.185).  

I see now how I reduced His "Good News to its results."  Hence, when you left and the results of our good works weren't great, my own false reality collapsed and I've been lost since.  I've been struggling to grasp that although all things are possible with God, not all things are guaranteed this side of Heaven.  I've become "embittered and despondent" and mistrustful of God in the process, doubting my desire to follow Him at all if following Him means I'm to be left hanging out to dry (Tchividjian, p.162).

But, I recognize now that all along my faith has been misplaced.  I've been grabbing onto performance after performance, good deed after good deed, to gain the Lord's approval and the approval of others.  I've been praying without ceasing that your idols would be torn down, arrogantly forgetting to tear down my own.  You saw straight through me, Loo, and right past my love.  I saw through you and right past His.

Now, I have nothing left...no relationship or communication with you or with many others...no miraculous testimony...no new grand feat to cling on to...no "righteous" tasks to obediently accomplish.  Even God has gone silent.  He hasn't been giving me advice on how to win your heart or been refueling my hope or making any more promises that you'll come back to Him or to our family.  Most frustratingly, He hasn't been revealing how to overcome the depression that's taken over.

This morning, the scales from my eyes were removed.  Pain on this earth is a reminder that there is nothing we can do, "that things aren't as they should be", that we're broken (Tchividjian, p.69).  Pain brings us to the end of our rope, and "only when God drives us to the end of ourselves do we begin to see life in the gospel...only those who stand in need of a savior will look or recognize a savior" (Tchividjian, p.144).      

This suffering hasn't been a punishment, but His gift to me.  It's His answer to my prayers year after year to grow deeper into Him and to fully grasp His gift of salvation.  I finally understand how I've mistakenly considered "grace as something of a supplement to whatever is left of [my] human will and power," seeking ways to obey, to be better, and looking for earthly rewards as affirmation that I'm on the right track.  However, "contrary to popular belief, Christianity is not about good people getting better.  If anything, it is about bad people coping with their failure to be good" (Tchividjian, p.78).  We failed with you, and that's ok.  I'm failing to overcome grieving the loss of you, and that's also ok.  I have nothing left to give and no direction to go and that is precisely where He needs me: Broken. "Jesus has already overcome!  Among our glorious ruin, Jesus is strong, so we're free to be weak; Jesus won, so we're free to lose; Jesus was somebody, so we can be a nobody; Jesus was extraordinary, so we are free to be ordinary; and Jesus succeeded for us, so we are free to fail" (Tchividjian, p.170)!

"Our ruin may not ultimately spell our undoing.  It may in fact spell the beginning of faith.  And in the end, that is enough.  Gloriously so" (Tchividjian, p.26).

I've accepted Jesus in word and deed, but only now has He gotten through to my heart.  All this time I saw the ending of our story as Jesus winning your heart through me, but He has won mine through you <3




With God all things are possible, but all things aren't guaranteed this side of Heaven.

Missing the Story for the Chapters

I saw this today.  I imagine this pretty much sums up how you feel.  I've been assuming a lot based on the snippet of my experiences with you, then been writing about those assumptions.  I can imagine that's pretty frustrating for you.

I need you to know, Loo, that I finally get it.  And I'm sorry.

Obviously, I'll never fully understand everything...and some of the choices you make will likely continue to drive me nuts because I can't fully understand.  Our family did walk in on only one chapter of your story, and we never got to know even half of it.  You hold the truth close.  And there's probably good reason.  God knows what You've actually been through.  Selfishly, I just wish you would have been brave enough to share all that's happened to you upfront because I do know my heart.  And my heart breaks for the broken.  If you would have opened up to me, I wouldn't have seen the attitude or the promiscuity or the triangulation or the rebellion.  I promise you, I would have seen the beautiful, but hurting, little girl deep inside you hiding behind it all instead.  I tried...try...to see her anyway, but I'm human, too.

When I replied to your hurtful words over Messenger, writing that I care for you a lot but that you've never let me, that's probably the most honest I've been, even with myself.  You did hurt me, Luda, but not in the way you think.  It's not the accusations you make, the lies, the manipulation, or the involvement of CPS or the police or even DHS years ago that I'm trying to get over.  It's the time you took away when you left.  It wasn't fair of me to expect your trust right away.  That needed to be earned over time...a long time.... But you only gave our family less than one year.  We, nor you, showed one another near enough grace.  Because of my education in psychology, I was prepared for adopting a teenager to be hard, but knowing something and living it are two different beasts.

Please understand that you judged our story on one chapter, too.  And that chapter could have been entitled, "Learning Curve".  Learning curves are never fun for anyone--I'm so bummed that you never got to experience the best side of us, nor did we of you :(

That's what hurts the most.  I never got to see your heart, but because I know ours I did see what could have been and I continue to grieve what you won't let be.  You may have given us a chance, Loo, but you never gave us a fighting chance.

All I knew to do once you left, was to fight for us both.  That's what these letters were meant to be-- my heart's cry to the Lord for restoration; a connection to you when/if you ever wanted it.  They were never meant to irritate you or offend you or cause you trouble or to garner attention for myself.  They were purposed to take back just a piece of the time you stole when you chose never to return to us, to prove to you that I meant what I said to you over and over: that I love you no matter what.  Because I do!  And I don't have to know you intimately to feel this way because God answered my prayers before you ever stepped foot in our lives to give me His heart for the child he brought to us.

I'm not blind; I've seen what you've done.  I'm not dumb either; hence, I tread carefully whenever you do reach out, and truthfully, I'm not all that anxious to let you back in to every facet of our lives.  But nothing you've done or do or say, nor the way I feel from one day to the next, changes my decision.  I chose to love you, Luda, because Jesus does.  And I've never stopped.

That's my truth.

Taking a Stand

You may feel you made a mistake, choosing our family to adopt you from Ukraine.  But I don't.  You may want me to stop writing "stupid stuff" on this blog and to let you go.  But I won't.  You want to move forward and live the life you've chosen for yourself here, and that's great.  I have no plans of getting in the way.  Every other time you've asked me to leave you alone, I've respected your request.  And every time you've come back of your own volition and contacted me again, I've opened my arms to you.  And I will continue to.  Not because I particularly like being accused of being fake or a horrible mother, but because of the confidence I have in God's love that never gives up and always breaks through.  I don't write this blog for the you of today, Lucy.  I write for the precious baby in the picture you left behind; the tiny untainted heart made to love and be loved.  I write for the you after God grabs hold of your heart and opens your eyes.  I write for Ludmilla.

Other people may have cowered to your threats; they may have given up on you when you made up stories about them or said hurtful things...and understandably so.  God knows I face that temptation every time you push back.  It's awful and irritating and unfair.  But I'm no longer seeking your approval or anyone else's; I have His.  And although I'll always want it, I'm no longer in need of your love because I have His.

You can choose whether to read my letters to you or to never read them again...no one is forcing you to type this address into your search bar.  But it's my choice to continue writing them.  When the Lord brought you into our lives, I didn't know my role.  I made a lot of mistakes from a place of fear and insecurity.  But since, I've found secure footing in my identity in Christ and an awareness of the gifts He's poured into me of mercy and prayer and perseverance.  I may never be your mother in the earthly sense.  I may never get to see you again or talk with you or write back and forth.  I'll likely miss out on big events like your wedding and first baby.  And that's ok.  The only purpose of me that I'm sure of is to die to myself, my flesh that wants to scream, my pride that wants to defend myself and know better for you, and to remain steadfast in my love for you regardless just as Jesus would.  This blog is the only means I have left to keep my heart open before you, even when you walk away and even when I sometimes have to just to catch my breath.

You might be right that I don't know what's best for you, that I don't know you, your desires, or your heart, and I'm totally ok if you never want to see or talk to me or the family ever again.  I respect you as a person, uniquely created and autonomous.  God gave us all the gift of freedom, and with that gift, you're free to choose whomever and whatever you want.

So am I.

And I continue to choose you because He does.   I will continue to fight for your soul before God and before the world because that's all the more glory God will receive when love wins.  If the enemy inside you continues to squirm when the truth lights up those dark places, or continues to hurl insults and accusations my way...if he continues to steal blessings meant for us, I'll still rejoice.  He'll never touch my joy: my confidence in the Lord regardless of circumstances or feelings.  He can never steal the love God has for me, even through you...and I'll be damned if he ever tries to steal it from you...especially through me.

31 What shall we say about such wonderful things as these? If God is for us, who can ever be against us? 32 Since he did not spare even his own Son but gave him up for us all, won’t he also give us everything else? 33 Who dares accuse us whom God has chosen for his own? No one—for God himself has given us right standing with himself. 34 Who then will condemn us? No one—for Christ Jesus died for us and was raised to life for us, and he is sitting in the place of honor at God’s right hand, pleading for us.

35 Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death? 36 (As the Scriptures say, “For your sake we are killed every day; we are being slaughtered like sheep.”[a]) 37 No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us.

38 And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[b] neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. 39 No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord. 

-Romans 8:31-39

I genuinely do love you, Luda.  May my persistence alone prove it.

Mom

Hard Love

Trading punches with the heart of darkness
Going to blows with your fear incarnate
Never gone until it's stripped away
A part of you has gotta die today

In the morning you gon' need an answer
Ain't nobody gonna change the standard
It's not enough to just feel the flame
You've gotta burn your old self away

Hold on tight a little longer
What don't kill ya, makes ya stronger
Get back up, 'cause it's a hard love
You can't change without a fallout
It's gon' hurt, but don't you slow down
Get back up, 'cause it's a hard love

You know the situation can't be right
And all you ever do is fight
But there's a reason that the road is long
It takes some time to make your courage strong

Hold on tight a little longer
What don't kill ya, makes ya stronger
Get back up, 'cause it's a hard love
You can't change without a fallout
It's gon' hurt, but don't you slow down
Get back up, 'cause it's a hard love

When the wolves come and hunt me down
I will face them all and stand my ground
'Cause there's a fire burnin' in me
They will see my strength in this love I found

Hold on tight a little longer
What don't kill ya, makes ya stronger
Get back up, 'cause it's a hard love
You can't change without a fallout
It's gon' hurt, but don't you slow down
Get back up, 'cause it's a hard love

It's a hard love, it's a hard love, it's a hard love, it's a hard love
Oh, it's a hard love, it's a hard love, it's a hard love, it's a hard love

Hold on tight a little longer
What don't kill ya, makes ya stronger
Get back up, 'cause it's a hard love
You can't change without a fallout
It's gon' hurt, but don't you slow down
Get back up, 'cause it's a hard love

'Cause it's a hard love

-by Needtobreathe

Narcissism, A Thief

"Narcissism is, simply speaking, self-love, or an excessive interest in one's own appearance, comfort, importance, or abilities.  Narcissists are preoccupied with an idealized image of themselves.  They focus so strongly on themselves and the image they portray that they lose their real self.  Life is a series of events organized to support this idealized image.  Love is out of the picture.  Admiration is all that counts." -Dr. Henry Cloud, Changes That Heal, p.189

As you can probably guess, I'm still on this journey...grieving, a little, but healing even more so now.  You were truly the impetus God used to set so much in motion.  Because of you, I have experienced so much of His heart that I never would have without you.  And while I am beyond grateful for all that I've learned, I've been equally as stuck, hung up on the reality that you chose a life playing pretend than one lived out for real.

After years and likely so many unnecessary troubles, you're still posting pictures of random girls on vacations, driving fancy cars, and with people that look so happy as though they're your own, as though they're you.  And the most frustrating thing for me watching all of this from the outside is that it could have really been you!  Since you left, we moved to a beautiful big house like you always dreamed of; we got a horse like you said you wanted; we went on a cruise and actually saw beaches like the ones you claimed to have visited; we were even in the works of buying and surprising you with a cute car and figuring out how to get you licensed to drive when you were still in our home!  You had it all.  But you never saw any of it because you couldn't see past yourself.  You were focused so strongly on yourself and the image you wanted to portray that you lost your real self.  No doubt, your life has become nothing more than "a series of events organized to support this idealized image" and "love is out of the picture".

Once again, Jesus opened the eyes of my heart even wider.  Oh, how much like you I am towards my Savior even still.  I'm often so preoccupied with what I think life should look like, with my own comfort, and with my abilities (or lack thereof) that I've missed out on so much He's been trying to give me all along.  Love has been pushed aside by an addiction to please others and win the admiration of man...when I already have God's.  What more can I need, when the Maker of Heaven and Earth already approves of me?!

I'm still pleading for your heart, Loo.  As long as you're on this earth, it's never too late and nothing too impossible for God to work out.  For either of us.  May He open your eyes and your heart to all that we tried to do for you and all that He is still doing <3

Praying you're well and that your heart is moving closer and closer, if even little by little, to His.

Mom

When at Rock Bottom

During my time with God this morning, He gave me this Psalm.  He also gave me renewed hope and peace when He whispered to my heart that it was for you <3

"I love the LORD, for He heard my voice;
He heard my cry for mercy.
Because He turned His ear to me,
I will call on Him as long as I live.

The cords of death entangled me,
The anguish of the grave came over me;
I was overcome by distress and sorrow.
Then I called on the Name of the LORD:
'LORD, save me!'

The LORD is gracious and righteous;
Our God is full of compassion.
The LORD protects the unwary;
When I was brought low, He saved me.

Return to your rest, my soul,
For the LORD has been good to you.

For you, LORD, have delivered me from death,
My eyes from tears,
My feet from stumbling,
That I may walk before the LORD
In the land of the living.

I trusted in the LORD when I said,
'I am greatly afflicted';
In my alarm I said,
'Everyone is a liar.'

What shall I return to the LORD
For all His goodness to me?

I will lift up the cup of salvation
And call on the Name of the LORD.
I will fulfill my vows to the LORD
In the presence of all His people.

Precious in the sight of the LORD
Is the death of His faithful servants.
Truly I am Your servant, LORD;
I serve You just as my mother did;
You have freed me from my chains.

I will sacrifice a thank offering to You
And call on the Name of the LORD.
I will fulfill my vows to the LORD
In the presence of all His people,
In the courts of the house of the LORD--
In your midst, Jerusalem.

Praise the LORD." -Psalm 116

I pray, in Jesus' Name, you will cry out to God just like this--that these will be your words one day soon--that you will find healing and rest from your brokenness--that you will be freed from your chains and lift up the cup of His salvation and fulfill the greater purpose He has for your amazing testimony <3
I love you, Lucy.
Mom

Hardened but Never Hopeless

Oh, Loo.  I have no more words.  It seems Jesus was right to give us Mark 9:14-29 years ago.  What rules you "since childhood", what continues to throw you into one figurative fire after another, "can be forced out only by prayer".  Time and again you come back into our lives only to walk out when you either don't get what you want, or you're faced with reality...and sometimes both.  And reality is, you're still creating story after story, preying on one person, one family, one facility after another, seeking to quench an insatiable thirst inside of you for attention...to be wanted...to be loved...that only God Himself can fill.

I'll say it again as I have so many times before: You are wanted.  You are loved.  You have our attention.  And above all, you have His.

When these demons that bind you finally run you into rock bottom, I hope you'll read these letters and finally see, genuinely repent, and wholeheartedly accept it all and believe!  While hope may be lost for any communication or a relationship with you right now,  I'm still firmly holding on to hope in God "who turned the rock into a pool, the hard rock into springs of water" (Psalm 114:8).  Your heart, however hardened, is never too far out of God's power and ability to transform it from one of stone, to one of flesh (Ezekiel 36:26).  Daily, I'll continue to fight for you in prayer.

"Not to us, LORD, not to us, but to Your Name be the glory, because of Your love and faithfulness." -Psalm 115:1

With His Love,
Mom

The Eyes of The Heart

It's not what you see with your eyes, but what you see with your heart that changes you.

-Drew Worsham

This statement resonated with me since I heard it two weeks ago...just days after you wrote me asking us for forgiveness.  Forgiveness is such a simple word with so many different meanings, isn't it?  We can accidentally step in someone's way and flippantly say "I'm sorry" and they forgive us.  Siblings can punch each other and say hurtful things and be forced to apologize to and begrudgingly forgive one another.  Spouses can get into heated discussions and seek forgiveness after they've both cooled off.  But what about the kind of forgiveness that happens without an apology from the offending party?  Without a nagging voice making us do it when everything in us doesn't want to?  Smack dab in the middle of all the figurative heat and with absolutely nothing to gain for ourselves? 

What about forgiveness for the person who hurt us, who may still be hurting us?  

A forgiveness like Jesus has for the whole world....

Ugh...and what about all that His Word says on forgiveness: like forgiving over and over, even when someone continues to offend us, then apologizes, just to offend us again and again (Luke 17:3-4).  And not JUST forgiving them repeatedly, but being kind and compassionate to them!!!! ...And the whole reality that if we don't forgive, not only will our hearts be defiled by bitterness and turn us into extremely miserable people, but our own pardon before God is at stake, because before God we're no better (Col. 3:13; Mark 11:25). 

?!

Still finding that following Jesus isn't for the faint at heart.  Bleh.

In anger, you texted months ago that I'm "walking around like [I'm] some angel when [I'm] not", and you are so right, Lucy.  I'm not.  I am 100% human...most of the time nothing more than a bone bag.  And that carnal side of me that can only see with my eyes, is totally conflicted when it comes to you.  On one hand, I am so overjoyed that communication with you has been restored!!!  On the other, I'm suspicious...why the sudden change of heart?  And if it's so changed and you so badly want a family, why don't you want to meet up with us when you're coming back to San Angelo to visit in just a few weeks?  Why are you not ready for us to meet your boyfriend that you credit for so much of your happiness right now? Why won't you allow anything I post on your Facebook wall to stay?  Is the story you shared with us about the Housers really what happened? Are you only coming back to us because you can no longer turn to them?

I am more than ready to be on the other side of this and more than willing to trust God for another miracle in our storyline with you.  Yet, this doesn't negate all my worry that re-engaging may only serve to invite more trouble instead...and just when we found light at the end of a very dark, very long tunnel. 

Definitely no angel here.  There's so much going on in my brain!!!!  

Praise God that I'm not being led by my brain, but by His heart.  Of course I hope that one day, you'll see and believe my affection for you, Loo.  But up until this point, it hasn't been me you're resenting, or who you think others are wrongly perceiving, at. all.  All of the love I've maintained for you, the mercy, the grace, any hope, any courage...anything good is solely from God's Holy Spirit pouring daily into my heart.  Jesus has been doing some heavy-lifting ;)  Forgiving you hasn't been simple for me.  It wasn't a one-time decision.  It started with a choice long ago...apart from you...for my own sake...and continues to be an ongoing process that I'm contending with daily for us both.  And it's the you I see with Christ's heart that has ultimately changed me and that keeps me going when the going gets tough.  You are worth more than gold...worth all of the risk; your journey will be such a powerful testimony for His glory and kingdom.  <3 

I pray, in Jesus' Name, that His love breaks through. May He open the eyes of your heart, too, so you can clearly see all of us who have tried our best to love you as He does, so you'll have the strength to fully forgive the rest who truly and deeply hurt you, and so you'll finally find freedom from this pain that so tightly binds you and blinds you.

I love you, Sweet Girl.

Mom

Birthday Girl

Your birthday is coming up :)  Just three more days until you celebrate 19 years of life!!  Happy birthday, Loo!!!  You still have nothing to do with us, but our faithful God continues to make sure we have plenty to do for you.  Although life has moved forward and our hearts have pretty much healed, although we have respected your desire to stay out of your life and can be thankful for the peace, prayers for you to come back to Him have never stopped.  How apropos that Hosea 1 & 2 were on the docket for me to study this week. It as though the Lord has served up new prayers for you--praise Him for never giving up on either of us <3

Like Israel, you have gone after others in search of something you think will be better.  And like Israel, you'll discover that there is never anything better than a life within God's will.  You are chasing after lovers and dreams but probably not catching them...for long anyway.  How awesome it would be if, like Israel, you decided to come back home, if you saw our hearts that have only wanted the best for you!!!  But I fear, also like Israel, you would still be distracted by us...thinking we were the ones who gave you a second chance, who gave you a family, a home, food, and clothes.  

"She has not acknowledged that I was the One Who gave her the grain, the new wine and oil, Who lavished on her the silver and gold--which [she] used for Baal." -Hosea 2:8

As much as I'd love to see you again, and to have a daughter by my side, we are still not your final answer.  God has always been The One, Sweet Girl.  He is the One pursuing you.  He is the One that gives and Who takes away.  And while I pray against the dreams and love you chase right now, it's so the depths of your heart will be exposed to you so you will finally see that He is the One to fill all of those empty places inside of you.  You have turned away, but God never will.  Even when it feels like every door slams shut in your face, every plan for your future flops, or everything you ever wanted keeps getting stripped away, God has still got you <3

"...no one will take her out of My hands." -Hosea 2:10c

It's your birthday, but He has given me the greatest gift of renewed hope that you're not too far out of His reach.  This will be my ongoing prayer for you:

"'Therefore I [God] am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the wilderness and speak tenderly to her. There I will give her back her vineyards, and will make the Valley of Achor a door of hope.  There she will respond as in the days of her youth, as in the day she came up out of Egypt. In that day,' declares the LORD, 'you will call me "my husband"; you will no longer call me "my master." I will remove the names of the Baals from her lips; no longer will their names be invoked. ...I will betroth you to me forever; I will betroth you in righteousness and justice, in love and compassion.  I will betroth you in faithfulness, and you will acknowledge the LORD. ...I will show my love to the one I called "Not my loved one"...and they will say, "You are my God."'" -Hosea 2:14-23

May Jesus finally take His rightful throne on your heart.

Love Always,

Mom

Happily Ever After

It's ironic.  We rang in the New Year with the old you, making it clear all over again that you have no more use or desire for our family.  And yet, God continues to use you to grow our family's desire for Him :)  I spent most of last year mourning your loss, hoping in Jesus' power to move our mountains.  I dreamt up the perfect Academy Award-winning close to our journey that brought you back home and the five of us closer than ever, actively serving God by caring for more of His orphans. And because I believed I was asking within His will, I've been waiting anxiously for this huge miraculous moment to come. 

It seemed we were getting close.  We were doing ok.  We were messaging back and forth again.  I was given the opportunity to explain our perspective and why Dad and I made the choices we did while you were still home with us, clarifying our position and good intentions and apologizing for any hurt our ignorance caused. You seemed to understand.  You even told me you love us still!!  I was over-the-moon!  Hope was again restored. 

Then it suddenly wasn't. 

I was so frustrated with God, allowing me to taste the possibility of restoration but then allowing you to stray so far.  Didn't He want a happy ending, too?  Wouldn't it be a powerful testimony for His glory as well as our joy? He's been answering this question for me, and I nearly missed it. 

"I've spent way too much time sidelined by certain pain, trying to dissect it and figure it out, instead of experiencing Christ's sufficient grace and perfect power in the midst of it" (Minter, p.180).

He has given our story a happy ending.  Maybe not a traditional one, but an incredibly powerful testimony for His glory nonetheless!  I've been so busy looking for more flashy signs and miracles that I overlooked the many subtle ones: the grace He's given us to love you and others despite the hurt and fear left in your wake; the courage He gave us to pursue you from the start, and then again, and to consider adopting even still; the mercy He provided to forgive you in those carnal moments we just wanted to forget you, and in the forgiveness of ourselves when faced with our own mistakes; and the soothing words He continues to bring our way that have helped to heal our broken hearts. 

Yes.  Mountains have been moved, however discreetly this time.  Praise Him for His power that has been so perfect in our weakness <3

Word on the street is you have left San Angelo.  While I grieve the loss of what could have been, I will finally move forward, too.  There will always be a place for you in my heart and our family, Loo.  But I don't want to miss out on a new assignment from God because I can't let go of you...and the truth I've most recently learned is, "the people we love are most blessed when we release them to the Lord.  And so are we." (Minter, p.192). 

You're His.  You always have been.  May you one day come to see just how mightily the Lord has worked around you and for you and even through you.

...and may that finally be enough.

Love Always.




"Is the proof of Jesus' hand on our lives found only in big money, big deals, flashes of fame, and our biggest dreams coming true?  Or is the proof of His power also found in us when we are given grace to love the unlovely, adopt a child when we're scared to death, forgive when it flies in the face of our gut reaction, and hear His Holy Spirit whisper tender words of affirmation to our broken hearts?

The Church at Corinth [re: 2 Corinthians] was still looking for Paul to come with showy signs and demonstrative expressions of power, maybe even wealth.  I think we sometimes look for the same types of things in our lives to decide if Jesus is really present in us--or in someone else.  ...Dear follower of Christ, make sure you're not judging the proof of God's hand on your life merely by outward, materialistic blessings. ...oftentimes His greatest display of power in our lives is in our places of loneliness, battles with infirmities, and painful losses.  Whether you're feeling weak or strong, hide yourself as weak in Christ, as a child is weak when resting in her father's arms.  This is where we'll find the true strength to love God and serve others." -Kelly Minter, All Things New Study Guide, p.199-200.

For Your Sake

"Therefore, since we have this ministry through the mercy we have received, we do not lose heart.  But we have renounced the secret things of shame, not walking in craftiness nor handling the Word of God deceitfully, but by expressing the truth and commending ourselves to every man's conscience in the sight of God.  But if our gospel is hidden, it is hidden to those who are lost. ...But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, the excellency of the power being from God and not from ourselves.  We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down but not destroyed; and always carrying around in the body the death of the Lord Jesus, that also the life of Jesus might be expressed in our bodies.  For we who live are always delivered to death for Jesus' sake, that also the life of Jesus might be manifested in our mortal flesh.  So then, death works in us, but life in you.  ...All these things are for your sakes..." (2 Co. 4)

You draw close, then pull away.  You say and write the most hopeful words, then the most hurtful.  My flesh always wants to scream back...always wants to defend myself to you.  But there is no defense against lost.  Yet, it is for your sake and Jesus' glory that I go back into the crossfire again and again, taking your hits over and over; the willpower and perseverance not from me but from God for you.  It is for your sake.  We have been troubled on every side, but He has been our help and our shield; we hope and trust in Him to deliver us and to deliver you (Ps.33:20-22). We are incredibly perplexed, but we serve a God Who knows every strand of hair on your head (Luke 12:7).  He alone can see inside your heart and mind and has the power to transform you (1 Chron. 28:9; Ps. 139:1; Jer. 17:10; Luke 8:26-39).  We have been persecuted and continue to be...most often at your hand..., but the Lord continues to preserve us and strengthen our hearts as we wait on Him to carry out His plans (Ps. 31:23-24).

We are constantly being asked to die to ourselves...to die to our dream of having a healthy relationship with you...to die to our desire for the world's approval...to die to our desire for vengeance...to die to our desire for recognition and admission of any wrong from you...to die to the desire for reconciliation.  But with each death, with each break in our "jars of clay" more of Jesus' Spirit pours through.  I have grown from this mess, no doubt.  But it has not been for my gain that we adopted you or that I continue to pray for, write to, or engage with you.  I pray, in His Name, that all of this "death works in us" for "life in you"!!

I long for the scales to be removed from your eyes once and for all so you can see how desperately God wants you, Luda.  I recognized long ago that your given name, Lyudmila, means "dearly loved by the people".  You are dearly loved, Child: by people, by us...by the Living God.  You asked Jesus to come into your life.  You chose to announce your decision to the world by being baptized.  But the blessings of His protection and transforming power are for those who choose to accept His way and His will over their own.  This means dying to yourself for Jesus' sake.  This means being uncomfortable and letting your guard down.  It means admitting you have lied and manipulated to get what you want.  It's admitting that you don't have all of the answers and that you need help.  It's admitting that you crave to be accepted and loved.

Your anger and wrath hides nothing.  Anyone that has spent any amount of time with you sees the ashamed, embarrassed, hurting, broken, and lost girl you're trying to protect.  We already see you!! And, (for what little it's worth) we have already forgiven and accepted you.  But, most importantly (as you have written), God sees all.  And He has already forgiven you <3  He's just waiting for you to recognize your need for Him, to stop living life your way, and to start surrendering to and trusting in His. There are no angels on this earth, Loo.  We all fall short of God's glory (Romans 3:23).  That's why we all need Jesus!

There is no need to feel embarrassed or less than.  There is no shame or condemnation for those in Christ (Romans 8:1).  May you come to see the grace and the love I'm trying so hard to extend to you for what it is: 100% genuine and from God Himself.  

Uncomfortable Comfort Zones

In the Book of Jeremiah, Chapter 44, the people remaining in Judah made it clear that they just wanted the heck out of dodge once poop hit the fan.  They asked for God's direction and heard His reply through the prophet Jeremiah: If they stayed and faced the current trouble in their land, God would restore peace and protect them from the disaster that seemed imminent.  If they went back to Egypt, they would run into more poop.

Did they listen?  No.

Instead, they chose to go back to what was comfortable for them.  They chose Egypt.  They chose their shortsighted knowledge and limited experience over the Lord's infinite wisdom and sovereignty.  When they lived in Egypt before, it wasn't perfect.  They had to make sacrifices and be slaves to fickle rulers.  But at least they "had plenty to eat then, and [they] lived comfortably and saw no disaster" (44:17).

It sounds crazy, right?  Who would choose a life of slavery and back-breaking work over a life rescued and protected by God?

Unfortunately, the land and life God had brought His people to wasn't going as they had planned.  There were some hiccups that shook up their sense of security.  They were scared of the unknown, and they wanted out.  It was easier to return to what they knew than to face the discomfort of the moment and trust that God was in the process of making life better for them.  Because they went back, however, they ended up exactly where they didn't want to be.  God warned them that the trouble they were trying to avoid would follow them to Egypt, and it did.  Rather than staying in a land whose enemies were flesh and blood, they went to a land whose enemy was the Lord of Armies Himself.  "March into battle, you warriors.... That day belongs to the Almighty LORD of Armies.  It is a day of vengeance when He will take revenge on His enemies.  His sword will devour until its had enough, and it will drink their blood until its full" (46:9-10).  Everything the people feared in Judah caught up with them in Egypt...the place they ran to and were convinced they knew so well, their comfort zone, was more uncomfortable than they ever imagined.

This so closely reflects our story, doesn't it?

You ran from us and we have run from you.  When life in America didn't measure up to your expectations...when our family experienced some bumps in the road and it rattled your sense of security...it was easier for you to run back to what you knew than to face the discomfort of the moment.  It was clearly difficult for you to trust that God was doing what He said He would when everything felt so out of your control.  You weren't aiming to hurt us; you were protecting yourself from a perceived threat, however fictional it was.
Since, it has been difficult to surrender our fears and trust that God will protect us from our perceived threat of more heartbreak and more allegations at your hand, however fictional it might be.  It has been easier for us to go back to the life we knew as a family of four than to face the unknown of re-engaging with you.

We all ignored God's promises and ran to "Egypt".  We all ignored His assurances that He would have compassion on us and keep us from disaster and chose, instead, to go back to our comfort zones that were outside of God's will and protection and directly into the line of fire we were all hoping to avoid!

It sounds crazy because we are!

For the past year, I have been suffering a great depression, my thoughts spiraling more and more downward than ever before.  I once had a house full of kids coming in and out and tons of friends to do life with.  I'm now in a beautiful house, yet isolated from the world I once knew and am left with very few friendships that survived my vacuous heartache.  I was avoiding more heartache and instead, ran smack into it.  The irony.

I can't help but wonder how you have been feeling.  Has your decision to run caused you  more trouble than you originally imagined?  Have your choices fallen short in restoring comfort and peace as well?

Never for a moment has our family doubted that the God of the Heavens and the Earth was in the process of rescuing you, Lucy.  He would have restored peace in our relationship and our home had you stayed.  We firmly believed this and hoped to convince you then.  And God would have likely restored peace in our home and relationship sooner had the four of us continued to follow Him rather than protecting ourselves.  We all made mistakes.  We took wrong turns.  And we've each been scattered in different places and situations far away from where we'd all rather be; far away from where God wanted us to be.  You, Dad, and me have been captives bound by the lies that we can save ourselves.  Yet, in Christ we've been set free!! Why do we ignorantly continue to go back into captivity?  Why are we choosing a false sense of security over the real thing?!  Why are we choosing tiring work over rest in His compassion and protection?

We certainly aren't going "entirely unpunished" for our poor choices, but praise God that we won't be "completely destroyed" (46:28)!!  Our Lord is still on a rescue mission...for us all.

"'Don't be afraid, my servant Jacob.

Don't be terrified, Israel.

I'm going to rescue you and your descendants from a faraway land, from the land where you are captives.

Then Jacob's descendants will again have undisturbed peace, and no one will make them afraid.

Don't be afraid, my servant Jacob,' declares the LORD. 'I am with you.  I will completely destroy all the nations where I scattered you, but I will not completely destroy you.  

I will correct you with justice.  I won't let you go entirely unpunished.'" 

-Jeremiah 46:27-28

The Lord had mercy and spared His people then, and He wants to mercifully spare ours now.

"For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for Me will save it" (Luke 9:24).  I'm over doing things my way.  I've made a mess of myself, and I so badly want to be saved!  My life is now His--no matter the cost.  Have you hit your rock bottom yet?  Are you ready to surrender your way of doing life to take hold of His that offers more than you could ask for or imagine?  I'll forever be praying that you come back and find refuge in Him.

I love you, Loo.

Mom 

To Love You

"We have all been sinned against.  We all sin.  You have failed to love me as you should and I have failed to love you.  Your failure to love me is painful, sometimes profoundly disappointing.  But the Lord's love for me is perfect.  Although His love does not remove the sting of your failure, it gives me all I need to stand as a whole person, capable of loving you regardless of the threat of your further failure. 
And that is my responsibility: to love you.  My love for you (not yours for me) determines in large measure my experience of joy and my sense of intactness.  I can love because I am loved perfectly and fully by God.  And my love for you matters.  It can draw you to Christ; it gives my life power and value in His plan; it brings glory to God.  And, as I falteringly learn to love you without self-protection, I edge toward the longed-for reality of abundant living." -Larry Crabb, Inside Out, p.201

Our God wastes no time. I have been all over the place emotionally this past year: scared, hurt, hopeful, disappointed, angry, bitter, depressed.  And because I have been consumed mainly with your offenses against us, I've only succeeded at protecting myself and have completely failed at truly loving you as Jesus does.  I am so sorry, Loo.  I am sorry for allowing my hurt and my fear and my disappointment in your behavior and actions to dictate the measure by which I give you what you desperately crave.  I am sorry that I have been prioritizing our protection from any further disappointment or hurt instead of His will for our role in your life.  I am sorry that I haven't been an effective example of surrendering to and satisfaction with His Perfect Love that casts out all fear.

I was reading in the Book of Jeremiah this morning and His Spirit spoke loud and clear to my heart:
"You have not humbled yourselves even to this day.  You haven't feared me or lived your lives by my teachings or by my decrees..." (44:10).  Those same Jews left in Judah that I mentioned in my last post to you, who deceived themselves and prayed arrogant prayers, they also decided to abandon God and worship false gods because from their perspective, when they did they "had plenty to eat then, and [they] lived comfortably and saw no disaster" (44:16-17).  But the Lord made it clear that their sense of security was false and their worship misplaced.  Their fear shouldn't have been of war and famine, it should have been of Him.  He would surely bring disaster and destruction on them because of their blatant disobedience and choice to worship the wrong gods.

We have been guilty of the same.  We have been worshipping our sense of security and our pride, making every effort to protect ourselves rather than serving God and loving you, good or bad.  We have been so foolish to believe that keeping a safe distance from you will guard us from any more hurt or disappointment or trouble.  Yet, the reality is we've been placing ourselves right outside of God's will and protection and smack dab in the crosshairs of the enemy fire we've been hoping to avoid! When we walk contrary to God's will for our lives, we're bound to get hurt.  And doing so for the past year has caused me, in particular, to be wounded almost to the point of absolute defeat. 

Once again, praise Jesus! I will not be overcome <3 

I'm not sure what loving you now looks like practically-speaking.  But I do know it will no longer be based on your response or treatment of our family; instead, it must become a direct reflection of His love for us all...without fear.  Without demand.  Without expectation or selfishness. And with true and total abandon.  

At the Crossroads

Jeremiah 42  GOD’S WORD Translation (GW)

Jeremiah Warns the People of Judah Not to Go to Egypt

42 Then all the army commanders along with Kareah’s son Johanan and Hoshaiah’s son Jezaniah and all the people, from the least important to the most important, came to the prophet Jeremiah. ² They said to him, “Please listen to our request, and pray to the Lord your God for all of us who are left here. As you can see, there are only a few of us left. ³ Let the Lord your God tell us where we should go and what we should do.” ...⁶ We will obey the Lord our God to whom we are sending you, whether it’s good or bad. Yes, we will obey the Lord our God so that everything will go well for us.”...

⁹ Jeremiah said to them, “You sent me to plead your case humbly to the Lord. This is what the Lord God of Israel says: ¹⁰ Suppose you stay in this land. Then I will build you up and not tear you down. I will plant you and not uproot you. I will change my plans about the disaster I’ve brought on you. ¹¹ Don’t be afraid of the king of Babylon, whom you now fear. Don’t be afraid of him, declares the Lord. I’m with you. I will save you and rescue you from his power. ¹² I will have compassion on you. I will make him have compassion on you and return you to your land.
¹³ “But suppose you say, ‘We won’t stay in this land,’ and you disobey the Lord your God. ¹⁴ Then you say, ‘We’ll go to Egypt, where we won’t have to see war, hear the sound of a ram’s horn, or be hungry. We’ll stay there.’
¹⁵ “Now, listen to the Lord’s word, you people who are left in Judah. This is what the Lord of Armies, the God of Israel, says: Suppose you’re determined to go to Egypt, and you go and live there. ¹⁶ Then the wars you fear will catch up with you in Egypt. The famines you dread will follow you to Egypt, and you will die there. ¹⁷ So all the people who decide to go and live in Egypt will die in wars, famines, and plagues. No one will survive or escape the disasters I will bring on them.
¹⁸ “This is what the Lord of Armies, the God of Israel, says: As my anger and my fury were poured out on those who live in Jerusalem, so my fury will be poured out on you if you go to Egypt. You will become a curse word. You will become something ridiculed, cursed, and disgraced. You won’t see this place again.
¹⁹ “The Lord has told you people who are left in Judah not to go to Egypt. You need to know that I am warning you today. ²⁰ You only deceived yourselves when you sent me to the Lord your God and said, ‘Pray to the Lord our God for us, and tell us everything that the Lord our God says, and we’ll do it.’... ²² But now, you need to know that you will die in wars, famines, or plagues in the place where you want to go and live.”

The people left in Judah had just experienced more traumatizing destruction of all they held dear at the hands of a brutal Ishmael and ten of his men.  Their livelihood was directly attacked, their safety viciously threatened.  The request they made to the prophet Jeremiah immediately following their rescue from all of this craziness struck me:

"We will obey the LORD our God...whether it's good or bad...so that everything will go well for us".    

Since our adventures with you, I've been suffering a crisis of faith.  I've been faced head-on with the impossible question, "Will I continue to serve the Lord, even if it means everything doesn't go well for me here on Earth?" Somewhere along my faith-walk, I (like the people in Judah) deceived myself.  I arrogantly formed the belief that I could pray, ask God to guide me, obey no matter what (ha), and that all of this would predictably deliver an almost immediate "wellness" for me.  Because of my confidence in this formula, I've shamefully been heralded for my trust without borders...for my childlike faith...for my "direct line" to Jesus and my "pillar of smoke in the kitchen". Left here in the ruins of our once beautiful story, however, I'm faced with a much uglier truth about myself now stripped of the pretty lies my deceitful heart had it packaged in.

"When we face how deeply disappointed we are with our relationships, it then becomes possible to recognize the ugliness of what before seemed reasonable" (Crabb, 188).

 

My faith has been misplaced. 
It hasn't been in God for His will's sake, but rather in the hope that my own selfish desire for wellness would be met by obeying Him. I haven't been serving Him for His will to be done, but for mine.  I haven't been seeking His glory, but my own. 
I (again, like the people in Judah) have wanted to run back to a place and time that's not here--to my own "Egypt".  I've been wanting to move out of this small town so we no longer have to risk seeing you, or hear anymore rumors that are spreading, or hunger for reconciliation that seems more and more unlikely to be satiated every day that passes.  Yet, no end to this madness has been in sight.  I've felt stuck.  I've been squirming under the pressure, distressed and depressed in the discomfort of it all.  And I've been wrestling with God, angry at Him for not relieving me but also frustrated with myself, with my weak will...with my fair-weather faith. I've been standing at a crossroads spiritually.  Never before have the choices "wide gate" or "narrow" been so delineated.  And never before has the path of least resistance been more tempting.

"When the fullness of our disappointment drives us to an overwhelming sorrow hat replaces anger with pain.... That kind of pain...is the starting point for real change.  It is only when we face the horror of desperately longing for what no one has or ever will provide that we give up our demands of others to satisfy our thirst and we turn in humble, broken dependence to God" (Crabb, 188). 

 

Obedience doesn't promise immediate reward. There's no guarantee that my life will run smoothly in this world.  But there is a guarantee that I'm bulking up for the next!  Am I going to crumble under the weight of these trials or rise to the occasion and strengthen my faith?  Am I going to quit because it's hard, or press through the pain of now so I can experience real strength of character later? 

Am I going to go "back to Egypt" or obey and "stay in this land"? 

I can finally not just see, but believe now that God has not allowed all of this heartache to tear me down, but rather to build me up.  He's allowed these trials and this pain to work out the deepest parts of me so I can experience the joy of answered prayer long prayed for--to please Him, to be more like Him, to have the faith I crave that moves mountains.  Moving, running to "Egypt" (while providing immediate relief), would ultimately be my ruin.  The Lord is not uprooting us because He knows that we'll bloom by planting us in this soil...ripe for the growth that we all need right now!
Tilling the heart is a painful process, indeed.  But praise Jesus we're not being destroyed...we're being rescued!!

Which path are you going to choose?

Praying for you, Sweet Loo--that the fullness of your disappointment in every person that has failed to give you what you so desperately long for will drive you to turn in humble, broken dependence to God.  May He once and for all fill those empty places inside of us both.

Love you.

*Quotes from the book Inside Out by Dr. Larry Crabb