Places Long Devastated

I can't decide if I'm a glutton for punishment or if it really was the Holy Spirit Who led me to write you.  This past year, we've had minimal communication mostly because the family needed the space to heal.  We needed protection from the written arrows you tend to sling which seem to hit and splay open every wound every time.  And, we needed quiet from the enemy's voice that taunts us into solely blaming ourselves for your pain.  Even in the space, even now, I fear the decision to step back was selfish and wrong.  You're hurting, too.  You're hurting more deeply than we are, I'm sure, and have probably been hurt by many others whom you loved deeply in much more traumatizing ways.  You don't need space; you need support.

The irony of that is, I'm not sure you're capable of receiving it.

Sure, you are more-than-comfortable with monetary support...with reaching out to us and to others asking for the superficial.  But, crying out for what you really need? For what you actually crave?  That requires a level of vulnerability that (I've come to believe) is even hidden from you under layers upon layers of hurt, anger, resentment, and bitterness. 

Just a simple email to check on you resulted in more flying arrows, striking me where I've been most vulnerable.  You used the opportunity to ask for your documents again, then attacked when I reminded you we couldn't help; that we had already sent you the only copies we had. Sweet instantly turned to sour: We "left [you] in the middle of nowhere without knowing English all by [yourself]."  We "swear on God [we] will take care of [you] and look what [we've] done." "K and E always been part of [your] life and always have a special place in [your] heart because when [you] have rough times that's the only people who show up and help [you], who never left [you]." "The only bad choice [you've] made in [your] life, that make [your] life this hard is when [you] let [us] adopt you." You're "sick and tired of everything but [you're] still going through it by [yourself] and with the people who actually care."

I just want to scream, "WE DO CARE!!!! We care so freaking much that we continue to walk again and again into the line of fire to make sure you know that we do!!! YOU ran from US. YOU chose the middle of nowhere by yourself because YOU didn't want US! What could we have done to prove our love to you when YOU reject everything about US?! OVER AND OVER AGAIN?!"

Oh, Luda. We have only ever prayed for and asked for reconciliation. We offered counseling to you back then and the offer still stands now.  We admitted our plethora of shortcomings and asked for your forgiveness. We have been to so much counseling ourselves to get well so we can be better for you. Whether it was the right decision, only God knows, but we've chosen not to help you financially only because you refuse the help you really need...we really need...to heal our family.  The family who still considers you family!  We just want to be more than a bank account you withdraw from.  We don't want to be another little 's' savior getting in your way of finding THE Savior.  We love you with a tough (yes) but FIERCE love that wants you to hit rock bottom only so you will finally look UP.  We fight for your soul at the cost of your approval.

Here I am, reasoning with unreasonable again. <sigh>

This is no easy road, but I am praying in Jesus' Name for you to come to believe that there is no other road I would rather be on if it leads to an eternity in Heaven with our family restored.  We all are simply doing the best we can, which is clearly insufficient.  But our God is a God who rebuilds ancient ruins and restores places long devastated (Is. 61:4).  And even if He doesn't restore us, may He restore you so you can finally drink of His Salvation <3 

"'If you hold on to me for dear life,' says GOD,
 'I'll get you out of any trouble.
I'll give you the best of care
if you'll only get to know and trust Me.
Call Me and I'll answer, be at your side in bad times;
I'll rescue you, then throw you a party.
I'll give you a long life,
give you a long drink of salvation!'"
-Psalm 91:14-17 (The Message)

I love you because He loved you first <3
Mom

Names

"The future is meant to be written in light of the patterns of the past. We can't predict the future, but we can read the patterns of the past to see how God has marked us for His purposes.  He uses the past to open our future.  As we learn to read patterns, we gain an understanding of our calling."

 -Dan B. Allender, To Be Told, p.92.

I never got to know your whole story.  I've only been able to speculate, to fill in the spaces.  I imagine you are intimately familiar with abandonment...with loneliness...with shame.  The patterns of your past scarring more than marking you.  I know you've been named Thief, Liar, Selfish, Promiscuous, and Dangerous; many of the names spoken and written by those of us who were called to love you like Jesus loves you, yet failing miserably in our carnal response to your hurtful actions.  I am so sorry to keep going back and forth, from wide open to completely closed towards you.  I am sorry that I have allowed the opinions of others, and fear, to thwart me from what God has called me to do.  I am sorry that I mistook my calling to simply be your mother.

"Our calling is not what we do--it's how we do it" (Allender, p.97).  

I was called to fearlessly and faithfully be your mother.

Now reading the patterns of my own past, I could be named Fearful or Faithless.  I have been afraid.  I am afraid of giving myself completely to anyone to be betrayed and trashed again.  Just as many situations and relationships etched scars into you; so have many etched their scars into me...not just our experiences with you.  And just as something about our family scratched at your wounds, so your choices scratched at mine.

I have written it before and I stand by it still today: you are not my enemy and we are not yours.  Our real enemy continues to prowl around us both like a hungry lion trying to devour those pieces of us that reflect our God.  Satan wants me to believe my name is Fearful and Faithless.  He wants you to believe that yours is Abandoned and Lonely.  He wants us to see you as Liar and Selfish; he wants you to see us as Untrustworthy and Uninterested.

"However, all the truest themes have to do with what each of us uniquely reveals about God's character.  Our calling is to reveal God through the themes He has woven into our character" (Allender, p.99).

Throughout my life, I was ironically known for being fearless and having faith that moved mountains.  And, in the short time we closely knew you, your strength and courage were always evident.  It was that fearlessness and faithfulness, inner strength and courage, that God worked together to make us a family!  Somewhere along our story together, I lost sight of how I was called to love you: fearlessly and with mighty faith.  My name, Heidi Eileen, actually means "Battle maid and Bringer of Light"! Your given name, Lyudmila, alone means "dearly loved by the people"!  Completely contrary to Fearful and Faithless, Abandoned and Lonely!  

And, Lucy, you are DEARLY LOVED by me <3

I don't think that either of us actually desires to hurt the other or to stay apart.  I can only speak for myself, however.  I know I meant it when I wrote you months back and said I wanted to be a part of your life.  My actions haven't been consistent because my walk with God hasn't been consistent.  But when I am walking close to Him, and looking to Him for guidance concerning you, He always advises me to love you recklessly without fear and with faith that He is still moving mountains.  

People closest to me don't get it.  Your dad doesn't always get it.  Josh doesn't always get it.  Papa doesn't always get it.  Counselors advise me to keep my distance.  Friends think I am stupid.  But it shouldn't matter.  I shouldn't have been looking to them or you or anyone else for advice on how best to handle my relationship with you.  I should have fixed my eyes on Jesus and trusted His plans and purposes for us.  I hope you can understand and forgive me once again for failing to be what He called me to be for you.  I also hope you see how faithfully God Himself continues to pursue your heart, regardless of the screw ups us people can be.

Happy 20th Birthday, Loo.  I am praying that God continues to grab ahold of your heart and to wholly fill those empty places.  Love you always.

Mom

Ready and Willing

I know I told you that I needed to step back; that I need to let you go and no longer lose sight of your brothers in my pursuit of you.  All of that is still true.  I want nothing more than to talk to you, Loo.  I want to hear about your wedding plans and about Kris and life in Alabama.  I've always wanted that.  I care for you deeply.  But the reality is, our conversations never end there.  They have never stayed friendly for long.  Just when it seems like we're growing closer, you pull away often claiming more hurtful things or getting angry seemingly out of nowhere.  For you, I'm sure it seemed like nothing...but it destroyed me every time.

I know that deep down you're hurting and that is why you hurt others.  To protect your heart from being crushed, you do the crushing first.  I will never be able to imagine the depth of the pain you grapple with day-to-day.  And, I am so afraid of being just another person in your life that fuels the lies I think you've come to believe: that you're not worth the fight, that your brokenness is hopeless, that another person is giving up on you.  That fear, those feelings...they consume me.

Please do not mistake my stepping back as giving up.  I love you, Lucy.  Counselors, friends, family...probably even you don't understand how God has sealed you on my heart.  It's awesome really; an answer to so many prayers of mine when we started the process of adoption.  I will always be by your side, fighting for your heart in prayer, begging God to restore your health and joy and our relationship <3  You are our daughter and always will be as far as we're concerned.  Hence, I will continue to write to you here; I still want some way to let you know that you are always on my mind (without getting a piece of yours).

I am sorry if this decision of mine to buffer conversation with you seems out of place and sudden.  I have been counseled for the past two years to do this, to protect the members of the family that didn't leave and to protect myself.  But I just couldn't make the change until recently because of my determination to prove that I love you no matter what.  Only after Jesus gave me the parable of the Prodigal Son did I finally realize I had still been loving you all wrong.

The father in the story of the Prodigal Son didn't chase down the son that walked away from the family, that chose to live his life the way he wanted to...outside of the father's protection and provision.  He didn't wallow in sorrow or ask around town about him.  Instead, he waited at home patiently, carrying on with life there, but ready and willing to receive his son with open arms when the son chose to return.  The father knew and trusted in the sovereignty of God to bring his child back when the time was right; when the son was genuinely humbled and could recognize the love and the blessings he had left behind.

I believe that in your own way, you do love us, Loo.  I believe you never intend to hurt anybody and that you are truly remorseful for the choices you make when you do.  But I have only seen you choose you.  You are a survivor, and you survive at any cost.  And while I can't allow you to survive at the cost of us anymore, I know and trust in the sovereignty of God to make all things new.

I have offered this to you before and the offer still stands: if ever there comes a day when you want help, when you want to break free of this painful cycle of broken homes and relationships, we are always ready and willing to arrange for and go on a journey to healing with you through counseling.  I may not be running all over social media looking for you anymore, obsessing about where you are and what you're doing and how you've been, but I am still here ready and willing to receive you with open arms should you ever humbly return home <3

I love you,
Mom

My Glorious Ruin

 I've been blind...

"'Sin isn't only doing bad things, it is more fundamentally making good things into ultimate things.  Sin is building your life and meaning on anything, even a very good thing, more than on God'" (Tim Keller, as quoted by Tchividjian, p.158).

I built my identity on adopting you.  I made an idol of our journey and worshipped at the altar of Good Reputation.  I pushed "past the Giver to grab for the gift" and began building my life on our incredible story and the possibility of an even more incredible ending instead of on God's incredible gospel (Tchividjian, p.168).  And "whenever what we've depended on for meaning--and it's usually one of God's good gifts--is stripped away, our first reaction tends to be one of anger, self-pity, blame, and entitlement" (Tchividjian, p.24).  I've cycled through the gamut of these emotions since you were stripped away from me.

I've been suffering a lot and alone, but I haven't suffered honestly.  Sure...I openly wrote and spoke about my heartbreak...but (for the most part) I slapped a smile and all the right words on my pain until I just couldn't anymore.  Then, I disappeared...I've stepped back from all things social, stepped out of friendships, and stepped completely away from the world we once shared with you...keeping anyone from getting too close to see the mess that's now me.

You're right.  I do care too much about what others think.  And I haven't wanted anyone to know just how faithless I've been.

"God does not get things done in the world by merely adding a new coat of paint; He brings the house down to the foundation so He can build something new" (Tchividjian, p.169).

Praise God there's no stepping away or hiding from Him.  Two years of running in circles, trying to avoid dealing with the reality that you may never come to know Jesus or our love for you, and I'm officially stripped down to my core.  I surrender.

"Suffering has a way of stripping all resources away from us so that in the end, all that we have is the only thing that matters: the approval of God based on the accomplished work of Jesus" (Tchividjian, p.185).  

I see now how I reduced His "Good News to its results."  Hence, when you left and the results of our good works weren't great, my own false reality collapsed and I've been lost since.  I've been struggling to grasp that although all things are possible with God, not all things are guaranteed this side of Heaven.  I've become "embittered and despondent" and mistrustful of God in the process, doubting my desire to follow Him at all if following Him means I'm to be left hanging out to dry (Tchividjian, p.162).

But, I recognize now that all along my faith has been misplaced.  I've been grabbing onto performance after performance, good deed after good deed, to gain the Lord's approval and the approval of others.  I've been praying without ceasing that your idols would be torn down, arrogantly forgetting to tear down my own.  You saw straight through me, Loo, and right past my love.  I saw through you and right past His.

Now, I have nothing left...no relationship or communication with you or with many others...no miraculous testimony...no new grand feat to cling on to...no "righteous" tasks to obediently accomplish.  Even God has gone silent.  He hasn't been giving me advice on how to win your heart or been refueling my hope or making any more promises that you'll come back to Him or to our family.  Most frustratingly, He hasn't been revealing how to overcome the depression that's taken over.

This morning, the scales from my eyes were removed.  Pain on this earth is a reminder that there is nothing we can do, "that things aren't as they should be", that we're broken (Tchividjian, p.69).  Pain brings us to the end of our rope, and "only when God drives us to the end of ourselves do we begin to see life in the gospel...only those who stand in need of a savior will look or recognize a savior" (Tchividjian, p.144).      

This suffering hasn't been a punishment, but His gift to me.  It's His answer to my prayers year after year to grow deeper into Him and to fully grasp His gift of salvation.  I finally understand how I've mistakenly considered "grace as something of a supplement to whatever is left of [my] human will and power," seeking ways to obey, to be better, and looking for earthly rewards as affirmation that I'm on the right track.  However, "contrary to popular belief, Christianity is not about good people getting better.  If anything, it is about bad people coping with their failure to be good" (Tchividjian, p.78).  We failed with you, and that's ok.  I'm failing to overcome grieving the loss of you, and that's also ok.  I have nothing left to give and no direction to go and that is precisely where He needs me: Broken. "Jesus has already overcome!  Among our glorious ruin, Jesus is strong, so we're free to be weak; Jesus won, so we're free to lose; Jesus was somebody, so we can be a nobody; Jesus was extraordinary, so we are free to be ordinary; and Jesus succeeded for us, so we are free to fail" (Tchividjian, p.170)!

"Our ruin may not ultimately spell our undoing.  It may in fact spell the beginning of faith.  And in the end, that is enough.  Gloriously so" (Tchividjian, p.26).

I've accepted Jesus in word and deed, but only now has He gotten through to my heart.  All this time I saw the ending of our story as Jesus winning your heart through me, but He has won mine through you <3




With God all things are possible, but all things aren't guaranteed this side of Heaven.

Missing the Story for the Chapters

I saw this today.  I imagine this pretty much sums up how you feel.  I've been assuming a lot based on the snippet of my experiences with you, then been writing about those assumptions.  I can imagine that's pretty frustrating for you.

I need you to know, Loo, that I finally get it.  And I'm sorry.

Obviously, I'll never fully understand everything...and some of the choices you make will likely continue to drive me nuts because I can't fully understand.  Our family did walk in on only one chapter of your story, and we never got to know even half of it.  You hold the truth close.  And there's probably good reason.  God knows what You've actually been through.  Selfishly, I just wish you would have been brave enough to share all that's happened to you upfront because I do know my heart.  And my heart breaks for the broken.  If you would have opened up to me, I wouldn't have seen the attitude or the promiscuity or the triangulation or the rebellion.  I promise you, I would have seen the beautiful, but hurting, little girl deep inside you hiding behind it all instead.  I tried...try...to see her anyway, but I'm human, too.

When I replied to your hurtful words over Messenger, writing that I care for you a lot but that you've never let me, that's probably the most honest I've been, even with myself.  You did hurt me, Luda, but not in the way you think.  It's not the accusations you make, the lies, the manipulation, or the involvement of CPS or the police or even DHS years ago that I'm trying to get over.  It's the time you took away when you left.  It wasn't fair of me to expect your trust right away.  That needed to be earned over time...a long time.... But you only gave our family less than one year.  We, nor you, showed one another near enough grace.  Because of my education in psychology, I was prepared for adopting a teenager to be hard, but knowing something and living it are two different beasts.

Please understand that you judged our story on one chapter, too.  And that chapter could have been entitled, "Learning Curve".  Learning curves are never fun for anyone--I'm so bummed that you never got to experience the best side of us, nor did we of you :(

That's what hurts the most.  I never got to see your heart, but because I know ours I did see what could have been and I continue to grieve what you won't let be.  You may have given us a chance, Loo, but you never gave us a fighting chance.

All I knew to do once you left, was to fight for us both.  That's what these letters were meant to be-- my heart's cry to the Lord for restoration; a connection to you when/if you ever wanted it.  They were never meant to irritate you or offend you or cause you trouble or to garner attention for myself.  They were purposed to take back just a piece of the time you stole when you chose never to return to us, to prove to you that I meant what I said to you over and over: that I love you no matter what.  Because I do!  And I don't have to know you intimately to feel this way because God answered my prayers before you ever stepped foot in our lives to give me His heart for the child he brought to us.

I'm not blind; I've seen what you've done.  I'm not dumb either; hence, I tread carefully whenever you do reach out, and truthfully, I'm not all that anxious to let you back in to every facet of our lives.  But nothing you've done or do or say, nor the way I feel from one day to the next, changes my decision.  I chose to love you, Luda, because Jesus does.  And I've never stopped.

That's my truth.

Taking a Stand

You may feel you made a mistake, choosing our family to adopt you from Ukraine.  But I don't.  You may want me to stop writing "stupid stuff" on this blog and to let you go.  But I won't.  You want to move forward and live the life you've chosen for yourself here, and that's great.  I have no plans of getting in the way.  Every other time you've asked me to leave you alone, I've respected your request.  And every time you've come back of your own volition and contacted me again, I've opened my arms to you.  And I will continue to.  Not because I particularly like being accused of being fake or a horrible mother, but because of the confidence I have in God's love that never gives up and always breaks through.  I don't write this blog for the you of today, Lucy.  I write for the precious baby in the picture you left behind; the tiny untainted heart made to love and be loved.  I write for the you after God grabs hold of your heart and opens your eyes.  I write for Ludmilla.

Other people may have cowered to your threats; they may have given up on you when you made up stories about them or said hurtful things...and understandably so.  God knows I face that temptation every time you push back.  It's awful and irritating and unfair.  But I'm no longer seeking your approval or anyone else's; I have His.  And although I'll always want it, I'm no longer in need of your love because I have His.

You can choose whether to read my letters to you or to never read them again...no one is forcing you to type this address into your search bar.  But it's my choice to continue writing them.  When the Lord brought you into our lives, I didn't know my role.  I made a lot of mistakes from a place of fear and insecurity.  But since, I've found secure footing in my identity in Christ and an awareness of the gifts He's poured into me of mercy and prayer and perseverance.  I may never be your mother in the earthly sense.  I may never get to see you again or talk with you or write back and forth.  I'll likely miss out on big events like your wedding and first baby.  And that's ok.  The only purpose of me that I'm sure of is to die to myself, my flesh that wants to scream, my pride that wants to defend myself and know better for you, and to remain steadfast in my love for you regardless just as Jesus would.  This blog is the only means I have left to keep my heart open before you, even when you walk away and even when I sometimes have to just to catch my breath.

You might be right that I don't know what's best for you, that I don't know you, your desires, or your heart, and I'm totally ok if you never want to see or talk to me or the family ever again.  I respect you as a person, uniquely created and autonomous.  God gave us all the gift of freedom, and with that gift, you're free to choose whomever and whatever you want.

So am I.

And I continue to choose you because He does.   I will continue to fight for your soul before God and before the world because that's all the more glory God will receive when love wins.  If the enemy inside you continues to squirm when the truth lights up those dark places, or continues to hurl insults and accusations my way...if he continues to steal blessings meant for us, I'll still rejoice.  He'll never touch my joy: my confidence in the Lord regardless of circumstances or feelings.  He can never steal the love God has for me, even through you...and I'll be damned if he ever tries to steal it from you...especially through me.

31 What shall we say about such wonderful things as these? If God is for us, who can ever be against us? 32 Since he did not spare even his own Son but gave him up for us all, won’t he also give us everything else? 33 Who dares accuse us whom God has chosen for his own? No one—for God himself has given us right standing with himself. 34 Who then will condemn us? No one—for Christ Jesus died for us and was raised to life for us, and he is sitting in the place of honor at God’s right hand, pleading for us.

35 Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death? 36 (As the Scriptures say, “For your sake we are killed every day; we are being slaughtered like sheep.”[a]) 37 No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us.

38 And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[b] neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. 39 No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord. 

-Romans 8:31-39

I genuinely do love you, Luda.  May my persistence alone prove it.

Mom

Hard Love

Trading punches with the heart of darkness
Going to blows with your fear incarnate
Never gone until it's stripped away
A part of you has gotta die today

In the morning you gon' need an answer
Ain't nobody gonna change the standard
It's not enough to just feel the flame
You've gotta burn your old self away

Hold on tight a little longer
What don't kill ya, makes ya stronger
Get back up, 'cause it's a hard love
You can't change without a fallout
It's gon' hurt, but don't you slow down
Get back up, 'cause it's a hard love

You know the situation can't be right
And all you ever do is fight
But there's a reason that the road is long
It takes some time to make your courage strong

Hold on tight a little longer
What don't kill ya, makes ya stronger
Get back up, 'cause it's a hard love
You can't change without a fallout
It's gon' hurt, but don't you slow down
Get back up, 'cause it's a hard love

When the wolves come and hunt me down
I will face them all and stand my ground
'Cause there's a fire burnin' in me
They will see my strength in this love I found

Hold on tight a little longer
What don't kill ya, makes ya stronger
Get back up, 'cause it's a hard love
You can't change without a fallout
It's gon' hurt, but don't you slow down
Get back up, 'cause it's a hard love

It's a hard love, it's a hard love, it's a hard love, it's a hard love
Oh, it's a hard love, it's a hard love, it's a hard love, it's a hard love

Hold on tight a little longer
What don't kill ya, makes ya stronger
Get back up, 'cause it's a hard love
You can't change without a fallout
It's gon' hurt, but don't you slow down
Get back up, 'cause it's a hard love

'Cause it's a hard love

-by Needtobreathe

Narcissism, A Thief

"Narcissism is, simply speaking, self-love, or an excessive interest in one's own appearance, comfort, importance, or abilities.  Narcissists are preoccupied with an idealized image of themselves.  They focus so strongly on themselves and the image they portray that they lose their real self.  Life is a series of events organized to support this idealized image.  Love is out of the picture.  Admiration is all that counts." -Dr. Henry Cloud, Changes That Heal, p.189

As you can probably guess, I'm still on this journey...grieving, a little, but healing even more so now.  You were truly the impetus God used to set so much in motion.  Because of you, I have experienced so much of His heart that I never would have without you.  And while I am beyond grateful for all that I've learned, I've been equally as stuck, hung up on the reality that you chose a life playing pretend than one lived out for real.

After years and likely so many unnecessary troubles, you're still posting pictures of random girls on vacations, driving fancy cars, and with people that look so happy as though they're your own, as though they're you.  And the most frustrating thing for me watching all of this from the outside is that it could have really been you!  Since you left, we moved to a beautiful big house like you always dreamed of; we got a horse like you said you wanted; we went on a cruise and actually saw beaches like the ones you claimed to have visited; we were even in the works of buying and surprising you with a cute car and figuring out how to get you licensed to drive when you were still in our home!  You had it all.  But you never saw any of it because you couldn't see past yourself.  You were focused so strongly on yourself and the image you wanted to portray that you lost your real self.  No doubt, your life has become nothing more than "a series of events organized to support this idealized image" and "love is out of the picture".

Once again, Jesus opened the eyes of my heart even wider.  Oh, how much like you I am towards my Savior even still.  I'm often so preoccupied with what I think life should look like, with my own comfort, and with my abilities (or lack thereof) that I've missed out on so much He's been trying to give me all along.  Love has been pushed aside by an addiction to please others and win the admiration of man...when I already have God's.  What more can I need, when the Maker of Heaven and Earth already approves of me?!

I'm still pleading for your heart, Loo.  As long as you're on this earth, it's never too late and nothing too impossible for God to work out.  For either of us.  May He open your eyes and your heart to all that we tried to do for you and all that He is still doing <3

Praying you're well and that your heart is moving closer and closer, if even little by little, to His.

Mom