My Glorious Ruin

 I've been blind...

"'Sin isn't only doing bad things, it is more fundamentally making good things into ultimate things.  Sin is building your life and meaning on anything, even a very good thing, more than on God'" (Tim Keller, as quoted by Tchividjian, p.158).

I built my identity on adopting you.  I made an idol of our journey and worshipped at the altar of Good Reputation.  I pushed "past the Giver to grab for the gift" and began building my life on our incredible story and the possibility of an even more incredible ending instead of on God's incredible gospel (Tchividjian, p.168).  And "whenever what we've depended on for meaning--and it's usually one of God's good gifts--is stripped away, our first reaction tends to be one of anger, self-pity, blame, and entitlement" (Tchividjian, p.24).  I've cycled through the gamut of these emotions since you were stripped away from me.

I've been suffering a lot and alone, but I haven't suffered honestly.  Sure...I openly wrote and spoke about my heartbreak...but (for the most part) I slapped a smile and all the right words on my pain until I just couldn't anymore.  Then, I disappeared...I've stepped back from all things social, stepped out of friendships, and stepped completely away from the world we once shared with you...keeping anyone from getting too close to see the mess that's now me.

You're right.  I do care too much about what others think.  And I haven't wanted anyone to know just how faithless I've been.

"God does not get things done in the world by merely adding a new coat of paint; He brings the house down to the foundation so He can build something new" (Tchividjian, p.169).

Praise God there's no stepping away or hiding from Him.  Two years of running in circles, trying to avoid dealing with the reality that you may never come to know Jesus or our love for you, and I'm officially stripped down to my core.  I surrender.

"Suffering has a way of stripping all resources away from us so that in the end, all that we have is the only thing that matters: the approval of God based on the accomplished work of Jesus" (Tchividjian, p.185).  

I see now how I reduced His "Good News to its results."  Hence, when you left and the results of our good works weren't great, my own false reality collapsed and I've been lost since.  I've been struggling to grasp that although all things are possible with God, not all things are guaranteed this side of Heaven.  I've become "embittered and despondent" and mistrustful of God in the process, doubting my desire to follow Him at all if following Him means I'm to be left hanging out to dry (Tchividjian, p.162).

But, I recognize now that all along my faith has been misplaced.  I've been grabbing onto performance after performance, good deed after good deed, to gain the Lord's approval and the approval of others.  I've been praying without ceasing that your idols would be torn down, arrogantly forgetting to tear down my own.  You saw straight through me, Loo, and right past my love.  I saw through you and right past His.

Now, I have nothing left...no relationship or communication with you or with many others...no miraculous testimony...no new grand feat to cling on to...no "righteous" tasks to obediently accomplish.  Even God has gone silent.  He hasn't been giving me advice on how to win your heart or been refueling my hope or making any more promises that you'll come back to Him or to our family.  Most frustratingly, He hasn't been revealing how to overcome the depression that's taken over.

This morning, the scales from my eyes were removed.  Pain on this earth is a reminder that there is nothing we can do, "that things aren't as they should be", that we're broken (Tchividjian, p.69).  Pain brings us to the end of our rope, and "only when God drives us to the end of ourselves do we begin to see life in the gospel...only those who stand in need of a savior will look or recognize a savior" (Tchividjian, p.144).      

This suffering hasn't been a punishment, but His gift to me.  It's His answer to my prayers year after year to grow deeper into Him and to fully grasp His gift of salvation.  I finally understand how I've mistakenly considered "grace as something of a supplement to whatever is left of [my] human will and power," seeking ways to obey, to be better, and looking for earthly rewards as affirmation that I'm on the right track.  However, "contrary to popular belief, Christianity is not about good people getting better.  If anything, it is about bad people coping with their failure to be good" (Tchividjian, p.78).  We failed with you, and that's ok.  I'm failing to overcome grieving the loss of you, and that's also ok.  I have nothing left to give and no direction to go and that is precisely where He needs me: Broken. "Jesus has already overcome!  Among our glorious ruin, Jesus is strong, so we're free to be weak; Jesus won, so we're free to lose; Jesus was somebody, so we can be a nobody; Jesus was extraordinary, so we are free to be ordinary; and Jesus succeeded for us, so we are free to fail" (Tchividjian, p.170)!

"Our ruin may not ultimately spell our undoing.  It may in fact spell the beginning of faith.  And in the end, that is enough.  Gloriously so" (Tchividjian, p.26).

I've accepted Jesus in word and deed, but only now has He gotten through to my heart.  All this time I saw the ending of our story as Jesus winning your heart through me, but He has won mine through you <3




With God all things are possible, but all things aren't guaranteed this side of Heaven.

Missing the Story for the Chapters

I saw this today.  I imagine this pretty much sums up how you feel.  I've been assuming a lot based on the snippet of my experiences with you, then been writing about those assumptions.  I can imagine that's pretty frustrating for you.

I need you to know, Loo, that I finally get it.  And I'm sorry.

Obviously, I'll never fully understand everything...and some of the choices you make will likely continue to drive me nuts because I can't fully understand.  Our family did walk in on only one chapter of your story, and we never got to know even half of it.  You hold the truth close.  And there's probably good reason.  God knows what You've actually been through.  Selfishly, I just wish you would have been brave enough to share all that's happened to you upfront because I do know my heart.  And my heart breaks for the broken.  If you would have opened up to me, I wouldn't have seen the attitude or the promiscuity or the triangulation or the rebellion.  I promise you, I would have seen the beautiful, but hurting, little girl deep inside you hiding behind it all instead.  I tried...try...to see her anyway, but I'm human, too.

When I replied to your hurtful words over Messenger, writing that I care for you a lot but that you've never let me, that's probably the most honest I've been, even with myself.  You did hurt me, Luda, but not in the way you think.  It's not the accusations you make, the lies, the manipulation, or the involvement of CPS or the police or even DHS years ago that I'm trying to get over.  It's the time you took away when you left.  It wasn't fair of me to expect your trust right away.  That needed to be earned over time...a long time.... But you only gave our family less than one year.  We, nor you, showed one another near enough grace.  Because of my education in psychology, I was prepared for adopting a teenager to be hard, but knowing something and living it are two different beasts.

Please understand that you judged our story on one chapter, too.  And that chapter could have been entitled, "Learning Curve".  Learning curves are never fun for anyone--I'm so bummed that you never got to experience the best side of us, nor did we of you :(

That's what hurts the most.  I never got to see your heart, but because I know ours I did see what could have been and I continue to grieve what you won't let be.  You may have given us a chance, Loo, but you never gave us a fighting chance.

All I knew to do once you left, was to fight for us both.  That's what these letters were meant to be-- my heart's cry to the Lord for restoration; a connection to you when/if you ever wanted it.  They were never meant to irritate you or offend you or cause you trouble or to garner attention for myself.  They were purposed to take back just a piece of the time you stole when you chose never to return to us, to prove to you that I meant what I said to you over and over: that I love you no matter what.  Because I do!  And I don't have to know you intimately to feel this way because God answered my prayers before you ever stepped foot in our lives to give me His heart for the child he brought to us.

I'm not blind; I've seen what you've done.  I'm not dumb either; hence, I tread carefully whenever you do reach out, and truthfully, I'm not all that anxious to let you back in to every facet of our lives.  But nothing you've done or do or say, nor the way I feel from one day to the next, changes my decision.  I chose to love you, Luda, because Jesus does.  And I've never stopped.

That's my truth.

Taking a Stand

You may feel you made a mistake, choosing our family to adopt you from Ukraine.  But I don't.  You may want me to stop writing "stupid stuff" on this blog and to let you go.  But I won't.  You want to move forward and live the life you've chosen for yourself here, and that's great.  I have no plans of getting in the way.  Every other time you've asked me to leave you alone, I've respected your request.  And every time you've come back of your own volition and contacted me again, I've opened my arms to you.  And I will continue to.  Not because I particularly like being accused of being fake or a horrible mother, but because of the confidence I have in God's love that never gives up and always breaks through.  I don't write this blog for the you of today, Lucy.  I write for the precious baby in the picture you left behind; the tiny untainted heart made to love and be loved.  I write for the you after God grabs hold of your heart and opens your eyes.  I write for Ludmilla.

Other people may have cowered to your threats; they may have given up on you when you made up stories about them or said hurtful things...and understandably so.  God knows I face that temptation every time you push back.  It's awful and irritating and unfair.  But I'm no longer seeking your approval or anyone else's; I have His.  And although I'll always want it, I'm no longer in need of your love because I have His.

You can choose whether to read my letters to you or to never read them again...no one is forcing you to type this address into your search bar.  But it's my choice to continue writing them.  When the Lord brought you into our lives, I didn't know my role.  I made a lot of mistakes from a place of fear and insecurity.  But since, I've found secure footing in my identity in Christ and an awareness of the gifts He's poured into me of mercy and prayer and perseverance.  I may never be your mother in the earthly sense.  I may never get to see you again or talk with you or write back and forth.  I'll likely miss out on big events like your wedding and first baby.  And that's ok.  The only purpose of me that I'm sure of is to die to myself, my flesh that wants to scream, my pride that wants to defend myself and know better for you, and to remain steadfast in my love for you regardless just as Jesus would.  This blog is the only means I have left to keep my heart open before you, even when you walk away and even when I sometimes have to just to catch my breath.

You might be right that I don't know what's best for you, that I don't know you, your desires, or your heart, and I'm totally ok if you never want to see or talk to me or the family ever again.  I respect you as a person, uniquely created and autonomous.  God gave us all the gift of freedom, and with that gift, you're free to choose whomever and whatever you want.

So am I.

And I continue to choose you because He does.   I will continue to fight for your soul before God and before the world because that's all the more glory God will receive when love wins.  If the enemy inside you continues to squirm when the truth lights up those dark places, or continues to hurl insults and accusations my way...if he continues to steal blessings meant for us, I'll still rejoice.  He'll never touch my joy: my confidence in the Lord regardless of circumstances or feelings.  He can never steal the love God has for me, even through you...and I'll be damned if he ever tries to steal it from you...especially through me.

31 What shall we say about such wonderful things as these? If God is for us, who can ever be against us? 32 Since he did not spare even his own Son but gave him up for us all, won’t he also give us everything else? 33 Who dares accuse us whom God has chosen for his own? No one—for God himself has given us right standing with himself. 34 Who then will condemn us? No one—for Christ Jesus died for us and was raised to life for us, and he is sitting in the place of honor at God’s right hand, pleading for us.

35 Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death? 36 (As the Scriptures say, “For your sake we are killed every day; we are being slaughtered like sheep.”[a]) 37 No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us.

38 And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[b] neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. 39 No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord. 

-Romans 8:31-39

I genuinely do love you, Luda.  May my persistence alone prove it.

Mom

Hard Love

Trading punches with the heart of darkness
Going to blows with your fear incarnate
Never gone until it's stripped away
A part of you has gotta die today

In the morning you gon' need an answer
Ain't nobody gonna change the standard
It's not enough to just feel the flame
You've gotta burn your old self away

Hold on tight a little longer
What don't kill ya, makes ya stronger
Get back up, 'cause it's a hard love
You can't change without a fallout
It's gon' hurt, but don't you slow down
Get back up, 'cause it's a hard love

You know the situation can't be right
And all you ever do is fight
But there's a reason that the road is long
It takes some time to make your courage strong

Hold on tight a little longer
What don't kill ya, makes ya stronger
Get back up, 'cause it's a hard love
You can't change without a fallout
It's gon' hurt, but don't you slow down
Get back up, 'cause it's a hard love

When the wolves come and hunt me down
I will face them all and stand my ground
'Cause there's a fire burnin' in me
They will see my strength in this love I found

Hold on tight a little longer
What don't kill ya, makes ya stronger
Get back up, 'cause it's a hard love
You can't change without a fallout
It's gon' hurt, but don't you slow down
Get back up, 'cause it's a hard love

It's a hard love, it's a hard love, it's a hard love, it's a hard love
Oh, it's a hard love, it's a hard love, it's a hard love, it's a hard love

Hold on tight a little longer
What don't kill ya, makes ya stronger
Get back up, 'cause it's a hard love
You can't change without a fallout
It's gon' hurt, but don't you slow down
Get back up, 'cause it's a hard love

'Cause it's a hard love

-by Needtobreathe

Narcissism, A Thief

"Narcissism is, simply speaking, self-love, or an excessive interest in one's own appearance, comfort, importance, or abilities.  Narcissists are preoccupied with an idealized image of themselves.  They focus so strongly on themselves and the image they portray that they lose their real self.  Life is a series of events organized to support this idealized image.  Love is out of the picture.  Admiration is all that counts." -Dr. Henry Cloud, Changes That Heal, p.189

As you can probably guess, I'm still on this journey...grieving, a little, but healing even more so now.  You were truly the impetus God used to set so much in motion.  Because of you, I have experienced so much of His heart that I never would have without you.  And while I am beyond grateful for all that I've learned, I've been equally as stuck, hung up on the reality that you chose a life playing pretend than one lived out for real.

After years and likely so many unnecessary troubles, you're still posting pictures of random girls on vacations, driving fancy cars, and with people that look so happy as though they're your own, as though they're you.  And the most frustrating thing for me watching all of this from the outside is that it could have really been you!  Since you left, we moved to a beautiful big house like you always dreamed of; we got a horse like you said you wanted; we went on a cruise and actually saw beaches like the ones you claimed to have visited; we were even in the works of buying and surprising you with a cute car and figuring out how to get you licensed to drive when you were still in our home!  You had it all.  But you never saw any of it because you couldn't see past yourself.  You were focused so strongly on yourself and the image you wanted to portray that you lost your real self.  No doubt, your life has become nothing more than "a series of events organized to support this idealized image" and "love is out of the picture".

Once again, Jesus opened the eyes of my heart even wider.  Oh, how much like you I am towards my Savior even still.  I'm often so preoccupied with what I think life should look like, with my own comfort, and with my abilities (or lack thereof) that I've missed out on so much He's been trying to give me all along.  Love has been pushed aside by an addiction to please others and win the admiration of man...when I already have God's.  What more can I need, when the Maker of Heaven and Earth already approves of me?!

I'm still pleading for your heart, Loo.  As long as you're on this earth, it's never too late and nothing too impossible for God to work out.  For either of us.  May He open your eyes and your heart to all that we tried to do for you and all that He is still doing <3

Praying you're well and that your heart is moving closer and closer, if even little by little, to His.

Mom

When at Rock Bottom

During my time with God this morning, He gave me this Psalm.  He also gave me renewed hope and peace when He whispered to my heart that it was for you <3

"I love the LORD, for He heard my voice;
He heard my cry for mercy.
Because He turned His ear to me,
I will call on Him as long as I live.

The cords of death entangled me,
The anguish of the grave came over me;
I was overcome by distress and sorrow.
Then I called on the Name of the LORD:
'LORD, save me!'

The LORD is gracious and righteous;
Our God is full of compassion.
The LORD protects the unwary;
When I was brought low, He saved me.

Return to your rest, my soul,
For the LORD has been good to you.

For you, LORD, have delivered me from death,
My eyes from tears,
My feet from stumbling,
That I may walk before the LORD
In the land of the living.

I trusted in the LORD when I said,
'I am greatly afflicted';
In my alarm I said,
'Everyone is a liar.'

What shall I return to the LORD
For all His goodness to me?

I will lift up the cup of salvation
And call on the Name of the LORD.
I will fulfill my vows to the LORD
In the presence of all His people.

Precious in the sight of the LORD
Is the death of His faithful servants.
Truly I am Your servant, LORD;
I serve You just as my mother did;
You have freed me from my chains.

I will sacrifice a thank offering to You
And call on the Name of the LORD.
I will fulfill my vows to the LORD
In the presence of all His people,
In the courts of the house of the LORD--
In your midst, Jerusalem.

Praise the LORD." -Psalm 116

I pray, in Jesus' Name, you will cry out to God just like this--that these will be your words one day soon--that you will find healing and rest from your brokenness--that you will be freed from your chains and lift up the cup of His salvation and fulfill the greater purpose He has for your amazing testimony <3
I love you, Lucy.
Mom

Hardened but Never Hopeless

Oh, Loo.  I have no more words.  It seems Jesus was right to give us Mark 9:14-29 years ago.  What rules you "since childhood", what continues to throw you into one figurative fire after another, "can be forced out only by prayer".  Time and again you come back into our lives only to walk out when you either don't get what you want, or you're faced with reality...and sometimes both.  And reality is, you're still creating story after story, preying on one person, one family, one facility after another, seeking to quench an insatiable thirst inside of you for attention...to be wanted...to be loved...that only God Himself can fill.

I'll say it again as I have so many times before: You are wanted.  You are loved.  You have our attention.  And above all, you have His.

When these demons that bind you finally run you into rock bottom, I hope you'll read these letters and finally see, genuinely repent, and wholeheartedly accept it all and believe!  While hope may be lost for any communication or a relationship with you right now,  I'm still firmly holding on to hope in God "who turned the rock into a pool, the hard rock into springs of water" (Psalm 114:8).  Your heart, however hardened, is never too far out of God's power and ability to transform it from one of stone, to one of flesh (Ezekiel 36:26).  Daily, I'll continue to fight for you in prayer.

"Not to us, LORD, not to us, but to Your Name be the glory, because of Your love and faithfulness." -Psalm 115:1

With His Love,
Mom

The Eyes of The Heart

It's not what you see with your eyes, but what you see with your heart that changes you.

-Drew Worsham

This statement resonated with me since I heard it two weeks ago...just days after you wrote me asking us for forgiveness.  Forgiveness is such a simple word with so many different meanings, isn't it?  We can accidentally step in someone's way and flippantly say "I'm sorry" and they forgive us.  Siblings can punch each other and say hurtful things and be forced to apologize to and begrudgingly forgive one another.  Spouses can get into heated discussions and seek forgiveness after they've both cooled off.  But what about the kind of forgiveness that happens without an apology from the offending party?  Without a nagging voice making us do it when everything in us doesn't want to?  Smack dab in the middle of all the figurative heat and with absolutely nothing to gain for ourselves? 

What about forgiveness for the person who hurt us, who may still be hurting us?  

A forgiveness like Jesus has for the whole world....

Ugh...and what about all that His Word says on forgiveness: like forgiving over and over, even when someone continues to offend us, then apologizes, just to offend us again and again (Luke 17:3-4).  And not JUST forgiving them repeatedly, but being kind and compassionate to them!!!! ...And the whole reality that if we don't forgive, not only will our hearts be defiled by bitterness and turn us into extremely miserable people, but our own pardon before God is at stake, because before God we're no better (Col. 3:13; Mark 11:25). 

?!

Still finding that following Jesus isn't for the faint at heart.  Bleh.

In anger, you texted months ago that I'm "walking around like [I'm] some angel when [I'm] not", and you are so right, Lucy.  I'm not.  I am 100% human...most of the time nothing more than a bone bag.  And that carnal side of me that can only see with my eyes, is totally conflicted when it comes to you.  On one hand, I am so overjoyed that communication with you has been restored!!!  On the other, I'm suspicious...why the sudden change of heart?  And if it's so changed and you so badly want a family, why don't you want to meet up with us when you're coming back to San Angelo to visit in just a few weeks?  Why are you not ready for us to meet your boyfriend that you credit for so much of your happiness right now? Why won't you allow anything I post on your Facebook wall to stay?  Is the story you shared with us about the Housers really what happened? Are you only coming back to us because you can no longer turn to them?

I am more than ready to be on the other side of this and more than willing to trust God for another miracle in our storyline with you.  Yet, this doesn't negate all my worry that re-engaging may only serve to invite more trouble instead...and just when we found light at the end of a very dark, very long tunnel. 

Definitely no angel here.  There's so much going on in my brain!!!!  

Praise God that I'm not being led by my brain, but by His heart.  Of course I hope that one day, you'll see and believe my affection for you, Loo.  But up until this point, it hasn't been me you're resenting, or who you think others are wrongly perceiving, at. all.  All of the love I've maintained for you, the mercy, the grace, any hope, any courage...anything good is solely from God's Holy Spirit pouring daily into my heart.  Jesus has been doing some heavy-lifting ;)  Forgiving you hasn't been simple for me.  It wasn't a one-time decision.  It started with a choice long ago...apart from you...for my own sake...and continues to be an ongoing process that I'm contending with daily for us both.  And it's the you I see with Christ's heart that has ultimately changed me and that keeps me going when the going gets tough.  You are worth more than gold...worth all of the risk; your journey will be such a powerful testimony for His glory and kingdom.  <3 

I pray, in Jesus' Name, that His love breaks through. May He open the eyes of your heart, too, so you can clearly see all of us who have tried our best to love you as He does, so you'll have the strength to fully forgive the rest who truly and deeply hurt you, and so you'll finally find freedom from this pain that so tightly binds you and blinds you.

I love you, Sweet Girl.

Mom