Crossing the Jordan

"You will be crossing the Jordan River and entering Canaan.  As you advance, force out all the people who live there.  Get rid of all their stone and metal idols, and destroy all their places of worship.  Take possession of the land and live there, because I will give it to you for your own." 

-Num. 33:51-53 GWT

We finally made it home!!!  Hiccup after hiccup threatened to keep us from ever arriving, but God barreled through every obstacle and delivered us safely to the warmest welcome our family has EVER received.  The love that was showered upon you and us was just the salve our hearts needed.  It was a beautiful moment.  I didn't want it to end!!
Coming home, however, isn't the end of our story; that moment, although incredible in itself, isn't the "Promised Land" the Lord has planned for our family.  We've only arrived at the banks of our Jordan.  I confess that I've never felt more close to the hearts of the tribes Reuben and Gad than I have this week.  I find myself pleading with the Holy Spirit as they plead with Moses, "Don't make us cross the Jordan River!"  And through Moses' reply He answered me, "Are you going to stay here while the rest of the Israelites [your family/community] go to war?  That might discourage them [Lucy] from entering the land the LORD has given them [her]. ...If you turn away from [Me], [I] will abandon all these people in the desert.  You would be responsible for their destruction" (Num. 32:5, 15).
The reality is the same for me as it was for these men: there is going to be a battle and I will be fighting in it, whether I choose to settle on this side of the Jordan or the other when all is said and done.  Of course I read this and thought, what idiots would choose the semi-amazing land when they could have the most amazing land...the land they were handed to by God Himself!!?!

Apparently, I was being that idiot.

I'm scared, Lucy.  I imagine you are as well.  This is completely new territory we're both navigating and it's terrifying!  You can throw the nastiest eye-roll at our simplest requests and hastily shut us down when we're at our most vulnerable, trying to reach you on a deeper level...who knew teenagers were so intimidating?!  Yet, God is making it very clear that we are to advance regardless of how much "taller and stronger" our adversary looks.  From a place of love, we are going to have to make decisions that you hate.  We are going to have to cast down all of these idols you've set up for yourself and worshipped to fill the large chasm in your broken heart.  If we don't, "they will be like splinters in [our] eyes and thorns in [our] sides." We will constantly be competing with them (Num. 33:55-56).

God help us.

I can't get over how faithful He's been to answer every insecurity we have: "Never be afraid of anyone since your decisions come from God" (Deut. 1:17).  "Don't tremble.  Don't be afraid....  The LORD Your God, who is going ahead of you, will fight for you as you saw Him fight for you in Egypt and in the desert.  There you saw how the LORD Your God carried you, as parents carry their children.  He carried you wherever you went until you came to this place" (Deut. 1:29-31).

We need not be afraid of you, nor you of the decisions ahead.  God is giving us our Promised Land--we just have to obey, cross the Jordan, and trust the victory He's guaranteed us over the battles ahead.

<3

Pecked and Pruned

Today presented yet another storm.  It blew through like a hurricane and calmed almost as quickly as it came.  You were obviously very fed up with the small show of parenting we exhibited last night, putting three miniscule boundaries into place for the sake of our family's safety and ability to ever connect with you: no VK upon arriving in America (Facebook is still ok), no phone at mealtimes, nor during Bible & prayer. 

Last night, you ventured where all teens dare to: choosing to tiptoe across those lines you find so unreasonable and outrageous.  This forcing us to venture where all parents of teens hate to go: onto your hit list. 

We didn't correct you out of anger, but from a spirit of playfulness attempting to remind you gently that you crossed a boundary.  I swiped the phone from your hands and hid it, eventually changing the password so you couldn't access it after much pleading on your part (throughout the entirety of our meal), to give it back.  I never intended to keep it away from you forever, just for the duration of dinner; however, the split pea soup that nearly spat out of your spinning head after you discovered I changed the password was cause for concern...and, unfortunately for all of us, further correction.  More English words poured out of your mouth than ever as you ranted that we've taken away VK, then Skype (again, your perspective...we just had to ask you to get off one time because you had talked for $15 worth and we were running out of minutes and money), "NOW Facebook!"
At that point, we had to take away the phone for the rest of the evening, as your anger and attitude towards us kept us from even being allowed to explain our motives or concerns.  You tore off into the night, beating us back to the apartment by minutes. 

Thank God, we didn't go to bed angry last night...everything seemed to be smoothed over by then...

Until this morning.

After more eye rolling and dismissive behavior from you, I lost my cool. All of this time I've managed to lose it privately, but this time my lack of cool was on display for the world to see.  This time, I related WHOLEHEARTEDLY to the Pinterest sticker that claims "Raising teenagers is like being pecked to death by chickens". 

What on earth was God thinking?!  Didn't He know ahead of time that I was far too immature to help you mature????!

Slamming the door, and ashamedly acting no better than a teenager myself, I left you to have a very honest talk with God in the bedroom.  I asked Him these things, regarding what He was thinking...what His Plan was...how would you ever see how deeply He loves you and how Dad and I love you...how you would ever come to recognize all that He has done on your behalf and the gifts He has been showering you with when you couldn't get past the three simplest things we said you couldn't have.  "No VK. No unlimited access to Facebook or Skype."  This is all you can see?? The molehills??  What about all of the mountains He's miraculously moved for you?!  Your shortsightedness pains me. 

I questioned if I was equipped for this task again.  And He revealed so much of Himself...again.

How our Father in Heaven must feel every time we miss the forest He's given us for the trees He's had to cut down. 

My getting wrapped up in the heat of the moment, in my disdain for your flippant and disrespectful behavior, was being no less shortsighted than you.  Yes, it was a difficult night and morning.  No, it is no fun putting our foot down and saying no to you about anything.  For us OR you!  But neither is it fun for God.  And how many tantrums have I been known to throw when I haven't gotten my way with Him?! Just like our "no"'s are intended for your own good, and the good of our entire family, His "no"'s are the same for His children.  And just like there are so many blessings to this process that you've been overlooking, so did I in my fury this morning. 

I praise God for these humbling moments.  For His faithfulness to heal and restore that which is broken into something even more sturdy than before.  He did just that already.  You came into the room only minutes after I finished my praying and weeping, apologizing so maturely for how you have behaved toward us.  It was such a beautiful moment as I, too, apologized and we embraced...healing tears streaming down both of our faces. 

More storms are sure to roll in...more destruction is inevitable...but these aren't moments to grieve or regret.  He'll use even these to prune those parts of us that would prevent our family from flourishing.  I love Him!! And I love you <3

Mama

"He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful." John 15:2 (NIV)

Falling Action

We're finally reaching the tail-end of this whirlwind journey to bring you home.  It's unbelievable that six weeks have already come and gone!  So many mountains were moved and are still moving.... It feels like only yesterday and light years into the future all at once!!  We came into this knowing we'd be required to teach you and disciple you, but it has really been us that God has been teaching and discipling through you.  We've been doing a lot of growing up of our own these past two years, but especially these past two months!!! <3

God doesn't joke around. The constant testing of our faith throughout this process undoubtedly produced the exact amount of perseverance necessary to carry us through the disaster of this final week (see James 1:1-4).  Had we been faced with this trial even months ago, our deeply-rooted weed of unbelief would have been our undoing.  I praise Him for His perfect timing and flawlessly executed plans!  The mistake has been resolved--you will be approved for a visa despite our late submission of essential paperwork!!!  And all for His glory still  :)

Adoption, indeed, reveals a whole new facet of God's Love and Grace that you think you understand until you really understand it.  Through learning how He wants us to love you, God has tangibly shown us that He doesn't require we be anything more or less than we are right now-"good" or "bad".  The Love and Mercy He gives is so unlike man's...it is truly without conditions...not based at all on how well we treat Him or perform as His children.  And like it must be in His eyes when we are adopted into His Kingdom, you feel no less my daughter than had you been born from my own womb.

You have been brought into our world with your own experiences, culture, and standards that we had no influence over.  You're completely self-sufficient and capable of living on your own had you been forced to.  Yet, there are still these remnants of your childlike nature we find wanting.  You are independent, but so dependent.  Only now do we grasp exactly what our task is: not to raise you, but to shape you.  To show you as much of Him as His Spirit equips us to reveal.

And I know now, without any doubt, that He will equip us.

Plot Twist

We were finally nearing the end of our journey: safely back in Kiev and ready for our appointment with the Embassy...or so we thought.  Only upon applying for your immigrant visa, did we discover that a MAJOR ball was dropped.  We were supposed to have submitted a special form within 6 months of your 16th birthday in order for your application to even be considered!

As of today, you are still our daughter, but unable to go home.  :(

This is, indeed, a devastating twist in an already exciting plot.  But we remain confident that God is still the author of your story, Sweet Girl!!  Yesterday was full of temptation to panic, to place blame, to grow resentful and bitter...and we did (admittedly) have a little taste of all of these emotions.  The situation is unquestionably stressful and chaotic, but His Spirit's peace prevails.  God's got this.  It is just another mountain for Him to move for His glory, and we cannot wait to see what He has up His Sleeve next.

A devotion, among many, sent to me today from an incredible friend:

From the beginning, we prayed that hundreds would be moved by His pursuit of You...that people who have yet to know God intimately would see and believe that He is undoubtedly an intimate God!  I think our Father in Heaven is just now getting around to answering this prayer.  Yesterday's cry for help alone has garnered the attention of so many who wouldn't have been exposed to our family's story otherwise.  Friends of friends of friends...friends of family...government employees and officials....  Just when we thought we couldn't be humbled anymore, we are SO humbled!!  

Evidence of His working is all over this journey!! Yes.  We are homesick.  But we praise Him still that we are not growing weary...that He will continue to sustain us, to carry us, and to rescue you.

I love you SO much, Lucy <3
Mama

"Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours." -Mark 11:24 (NIV) 

Our Grace es su Grace

"Gazing at that mound of pain, I consider that I never thought I'd experience this kind of moment. All of the pain, regret and damage in my life is laid out in front of me.  All that has caused shame and condemnation.  All that has caused me to pretend and impress and yearn for control.  All that has broken my heart and His.  But now I'm viewing it with Jesus' arm around me!  He's been holding me with utter delight, all with my sin right here in our midst, never allowing it between us.  He wants to know me in the midst of this, not when I get it cleaned up.  I know now if this mound is ever to shrink, it'll be by trusting this moment for the rest of my life. ...

Whenever you're tempted to think you don't belong, that you've failed too often, failed too big, or are not meant to be close to God--just then, someone, maybe sitting very close to you will smile and kindly say, 'That's all you got!!!?'  It's their way of saying, 'You're welcome here'" (p.24-25, 27, The Cure: What if God isn't Who you think He is, and you aren't either).  

I pray that we can successfully show you a love like His, Sweet Girl;  that we're given plenty more opportunities to hold you with utter delight, all with your sin right in our midst, never allowing it between us.  Because, the truth is, we want to know you in the midst of this...not when you get it cleaned up!!! We look at your mistakes, your regrets, and we think, That's all you got!!!? Because we're no different, no better.  We've felt a same sort of pain and the relentless regret that comes with failing...

You'll always be welcome here, Lucy.  With us  <3

The Good, The Bad, AND The Ugly

This morning, God was faithful to provide us more wisdom and encouragement.  Dad and I are realizing just how difficult being thrust into raising a teenager really is.  It's obviously hard enough on parents who gradually arrive at this stage, as we've been reading a book lent to me by an amazing mentor...written for the average parents of average teens...that has been addressing nearly every issue we've been facing thus far.  My friend underlined and scribbled notes over the very same excerpts I wanted to.   I don't generally revel in the struggles of my friends, but there was so much comfort in this!  We're not alone and your behaviors are no more outrageous than your peers.  In a twisted way, this was some much-needed and calming insight.

"Ephesians 4:2 provides the model for us.  It says, ‘Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.’  Bearing in love means patience in the face of provocation.  Teenagers will say wild things. They will give weak excuses and offer illogical arguments.  They will make extreme statements (‘No one has ever…,’ ‘You and Mom always, always…,’ ‘This happens to me every time…’).  They will accuse you of not understanding.  They will compare you to the parents of their friends.  They will do all of this because teenagers don’t tend to hunger for wisdom.  They don’t tend to think that they need help.  They tend to see your loving intervention and instruction as unwelcome interference.  It is your job to win them for the way of the Lord.  You are called to be an instrument of wisdom in your teenager’s life.  To do so, you must be gentle, humble, patient, and persevering (Tripp, Age of Opportunity, pp.138-139).”    

You have already said wild things, given weak excuses, and offered baffling arguments.  You have even accused us of not understanding, and I'm sure it is hard not to compare us to the authority figures you've had in your life up until now.  Regardless of your wounds and naivety that are so glaringly obvious to us, you move forward adamantly opposed to the idea that you need any help. It has been quite a shock to our systems, we won't lie.  But, again, this shows us that your attitude towards us is really no different than it would have been had we raised you your whole life.  It doesn't reflect rejection, as I have been so quick to assume, or an inability to form attachment...just hormones and an under-developed frontal cortex like every other teenager!  And, once again, the Holy Spirit has reminded us that we are to persevere...to be an instrument in your life--an unwelcome one, certainly, but one much needed nevertheless.

Darkness has, indeed, been coming into the light already.  And although it never affects our commitment to love you, it hasn't been easy to swallow.  Not because the sinfulness is so great or so unique, but because your resistance hurts.  Thank God for more fresh perspective:

“See the difficult, troublesome, problem situations as God-given opportunities to develop a biblical mind in your teenager. …’Don’t you see that God’s work of rescuing your [daughter] from this temptation has already begun?  Thank Him for His awesome love, and be a part of what He is doing.  Don’t go in with guns blazing.  Tell your [daughter] how much [she] is loved by God and that today that love is being demonstrated in the way God ordained that the [sin] would be found.  Then help [her] to understand the thoughts and motives of [her] heart that led [her] into this sin” (Tripp, Age of Opportunity, pp.137-138). 

His work to win your heart has already begun!! He could have allowed these other sides of you to remain hidden, but He hasn't.  He knows you are not in a place to reveal everything yourself, so He has been doing it for you...guiding us to the truths about you so we know exactly how to pray and how to love you.  How could I not see this before?  We only long to know all sides of you, Sweet Girl, yet you continue to hide behind these walls you've built around your heart to protect it.  You have obviously been hurt so many times before....
We can't possibly understand everything, but we do commit to wait patiently for you.  To take these opportunities that He brings to light on your behalf to prove to you that your new family truly is a safe place to be wholly yourself.  Whoever that is <3

Love,
Mom

Red Moon Rising

How glorious it was just days ago to recognize that we are but instruments in God's Hands.  To remember that no mess of ours is too big for God to overcome.  To hear that I don't need a plan...only a plan to surrender.

If only my heart could have reached that lofty place my head was.

You, Daughter, are a blessing.  A blessing in the way all my children are...like walking, talking mirrors reflecting every flaw in my own depraved heart.  Painful, yes, but a sure way to some solid spiritual growth.

I hadn't been able to spend quality time with you for days due to this case of Strep throat I've been suffering from, and I knew that regardless of how I've been feeling physically (and emotionally), I needed to make every effort to see you.  I needed to practice loving you this unconditional way He's called me to, after all.  Unfortunately, my renewed attitude and fresh perspective didn't hold up to your bad attitude as well as I had so confidently anticipated.

Mistake numero uno: I went into battle without my helmet.
Consequence: I nearly lost my head.  And you nearly lost yours.

I came back home after only hours with you, utterly defeated and back at Square One.  How can I love you when you seem so dead-set on being unlovable?  Harsh thought, I know.  It became quite clear that I was going to need some backup for this battle.  I quickly called on those tried and true prayer warriors in our circle of amazing friends, and pleaded with them to plead alongside me for His grace and mercy and unconditional love.  Little did I know, our prayers would be answered so quickly and so loudly that I would be kept awake by conversations with God all night.

Phase One of sleepless night consisted of me facing my own demons.  One humbling reality after another came to mind regarding my own behavior towards my Heavenly Father that didn't look so different from your behavior towards us.  I admit, solely for the sake of keeping things real, that I had a little-orphaned-Annie-tale scripted in my mind before arriving in Ukraine.  And this is a FAR cry from stumbling upon some charming freckle-faced girl who is mistreated and poor and humbly desiring a family.  The children in your home are surprisingly more privileged than many of the children WITH families—and your sense of entitlement has been anything but charming.  You rarely act like you even want a family…more like a ticket to the States, if even that at times. The reality check is certainly testing my motives...

...of which obviously aren’t coming out so pure. SIGH.  

Sure...many have sacrificed A LOT for you...but "in [our] struggles with sin, we have yet to resist to the point of shedding blood", yet Christ gave his life--painfully--for us to have freedom from struggles that weren't even His Own (Hebrews 12:3-15)!  Yet how has my attitude about this opportunity He's entrusted to us been as of late?  Appreciative?  Grateful? Excited??  No better than yours, embarrassingly.  Frankly, I've been doing a lot of rolling my eyes and pushing Him away myself.

<MORE SIGHING>

Phase Two of sleepless night led me out of bed and searching through Isaac's for his Kindle.  You see, every night we read a chapter of the Bible together as a family.  But because my day sucked, I wasn't having it.  I childishly refused to participate in our family devotions because I knew I wasn't ready to hear it.  I was still wallowing (sound like someone familiar??).  God knew the walls were thin.  He made sure I overheard enough bits and pieces so I would know that I needed to go back and find where my family was reading when I was ready.  He would wait.  Anyway, I was ready and searching and eventually found where they had been reading:  

Gal. 6:2,8-9 “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. …Whoever sows to please their flesh, from the flesh will reap destruction; whoever sows to please the Spirit will reap eternal life.  Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.  Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers.”

REALLY?! I proceeded to journal exactly as I felt.  This is so hard.  Why does this have to be so difficult, Lord?  I am not the right person for the job.  I am much too immature and ill-equipped.  Why me?

Phase Three of sleepless night brought me back to the message I originally wrote to my prayer partners.  Faithful as always, they replied with messages that lifted me up and with Scriptures that poured into me and over my wounds like a salve.  The final one like a bow, wrapping up all of the lessons learned and answering all of the questions I had just asked:

'My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, nor be weary when reproved by him. For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives.' It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline? If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. Besides this, we have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we respected them. Shall we not much more be subject to the Father of spirits and live? For they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them, but he disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness. For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it. Therefore lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees, and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be put out of joint but rather be healed. Strive for peace with everyone, and for the holiness without which no one will see the Lord. See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no 'root of bitterness' springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled" (Hebrews 12:3-15 ESV).    

I finally went to sleep, at 4am, with peace in my heart.  This won't be my last sleepless night, I'm sure.  Our road is not going to be an easy one for either of us, Lucy.  We are all going to be tested and disciplined, but it isn't all for naught.  I am going to have to stop sowing to please my flesh, and get my feelings off of God's throne in my heart so His Spirit can be Sovereign there.  I am still confident that our story is going to end beautifully, but it appears He may be stripping us down to ashes first.  I'll be praying we survive the refining fires still to come  <3