If only my heart could have reached that lofty place my head was.
You, Daughter, are a blessing. A blessing in the way all my children are...like walking, talking mirrors reflecting every flaw in my own depraved heart. Painful, yes, but a sure way to some solid spiritual growth.
I hadn't been able to spend quality time with you for days due to this case of Strep throat I've been suffering from, and I knew that regardless of how I've been feeling physically (and emotionally), I needed to make every effort to see you. I needed to practice loving you this unconditional way He's called me to, after all. Unfortunately, my renewed attitude and fresh perspective didn't hold up to your bad attitude as well as I had so confidently anticipated.
Mistake numero uno: I went into battle without my helmet.
Consequence: I nearly lost my head. And you nearly lost yours.
I came back home after only hours with you, utterly defeated and back at Square One. How can I love you when you seem so dead-set on being unlovable? Harsh thought, I know. It became quite clear that I was going to need some backup for this battle. I quickly called on those tried and true prayer warriors in our circle of amazing friends, and pleaded with them to plead alongside me for His grace and mercy and unconditional love. Little did I know, our prayers would be answered so quickly and so loudly that I would be kept awake by conversations with God all night.
Phase One of sleepless night consisted of me facing my own demons. One humbling reality after another came to mind regarding my own behavior towards my Heavenly Father that didn't look so different from your behavior towards us. I admit, solely for the sake of keeping things real, that I had a little-orphaned-Annie-tale scripted in my mind before arriving in Ukraine. And this is a FAR cry from stumbling upon some charming freckle-faced girl who is mistreated and poor and humbly desiring a family. The children in your home are surprisingly more privileged than many of the children WITH families—and your sense of entitlement has been anything but charming. You rarely act like you even want a family…more like a ticket to the States, if even that at times. The reality check is certainly testing my motives...
...of which obviously aren’t coming out so pure. SIGH.
Sure...many have sacrificed A LOT for you...but "in [our] struggles with sin, we have yet to resist to the point of shedding blood", yet Christ gave his life--painfully--for us to have freedom from struggles that weren't even His Own (Hebrews 12:3-15)! Yet how has my attitude about this opportunity He's entrusted to us been as of late? Appreciative? Grateful? Excited?? No better than yours, embarrassingly. Frankly, I've been doing a lot of rolling my eyes and pushing Him away myself.
<MORE SIGHING>
Phase Two of sleepless night led me out of bed and searching through Isaac's for his Kindle. You see, every night we read a chapter of the Bible together as a family. But because my day sucked, I wasn't having it. I childishly refused to participate in our family devotions because I knew I wasn't ready to hear it. I was still wallowing (sound like someone familiar??). God knew the walls were thin. He made sure I overheard enough bits and pieces so I would know that I needed to go back and find where my family was reading when I was ready. He would wait. Anyway, I was ready and searching and eventually found where they had been reading:
Gal. 6:2,8-9
“Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.
…Whoever sows to please their flesh, from the flesh will reap destruction;
whoever sows to please the Spirit will reap eternal life. Let us not become weary in doing good, for at
the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do
good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers.”
REALLY?! I proceeded to journal exactly as I felt. This is so hard. Why does this have to be so difficult, Lord? I am not the right person for the job. I am much too immature and ill-equipped. Why me?
Phase Three of sleepless night brought me back to the message I originally wrote to my prayer partners. Faithful as always, they replied with messages that lifted me up and with Scriptures that poured into me and over my wounds like a salve. The final one like a bow, wrapping up all of the lessons learned and answering all of the questions I had just asked:
'My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, nor be weary when reproved by him. For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives.' It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline? If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. Besides this, we have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we respected them. Shall we not much more be subject to the Father of spirits and live? For they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them, but he disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness. For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it. Therefore lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees, and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be put out of joint but rather be healed. Strive for peace with everyone, and for the holiness without which no one will see the Lord. See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no 'root of bitterness' springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled" (Hebrews 12:3-15 ESV).
I finally went to sleep, at 4am, with peace in my heart. This won't be my last sleepless night, I'm sure. Our road is not going to be an easy one for either of us, Lucy. We are all going to be tested and disciplined, but it isn't all for naught. I am going to have to stop sowing to please my flesh, and get my feelings off of God's throne in my heart so His Spirit can be Sovereign there. I am still confident that our story is going to end beautifully, but it appears He may be stripping us down to ashes first. I'll be praying we survive the refining fires still to come <3
