The Good, The Bad, AND The Ugly

This morning, God was faithful to provide us more wisdom and encouragement.  Dad and I are realizing just how difficult being thrust into raising a teenager really is.  It's obviously hard enough on parents who gradually arrive at this stage, as we've been reading a book lent to me by an amazing mentor...written for the average parents of average teens...that has been addressing nearly every issue we've been facing thus far.  My friend underlined and scribbled notes over the very same excerpts I wanted to.   I don't generally revel in the struggles of my friends, but there was so much comfort in this!  We're not alone and your behaviors are no more outrageous than your peers.  In a twisted way, this was some much-needed and calming insight.

"Ephesians 4:2 provides the model for us.  It says, ‘Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.’  Bearing in love means patience in the face of provocation.  Teenagers will say wild things. They will give weak excuses and offer illogical arguments.  They will make extreme statements (‘No one has ever…,’ ‘You and Mom always, always…,’ ‘This happens to me every time…’).  They will accuse you of not understanding.  They will compare you to the parents of their friends.  They will do all of this because teenagers don’t tend to hunger for wisdom.  They don’t tend to think that they need help.  They tend to see your loving intervention and instruction as unwelcome interference.  It is your job to win them for the way of the Lord.  You are called to be an instrument of wisdom in your teenager’s life.  To do so, you must be gentle, humble, patient, and persevering (Tripp, Age of Opportunity, pp.138-139).”    

You have already said wild things, given weak excuses, and offered baffling arguments.  You have even accused us of not understanding, and I'm sure it is hard not to compare us to the authority figures you've had in your life up until now.  Regardless of your wounds and naivety that are so glaringly obvious to us, you move forward adamantly opposed to the idea that you need any help. It has been quite a shock to our systems, we won't lie.  But, again, this shows us that your attitude towards us is really no different than it would have been had we raised you your whole life.  It doesn't reflect rejection, as I have been so quick to assume, or an inability to form attachment...just hormones and an under-developed frontal cortex like every other teenager!  And, once again, the Holy Spirit has reminded us that we are to persevere...to be an instrument in your life--an unwelcome one, certainly, but one much needed nevertheless.

Darkness has, indeed, been coming into the light already.  And although it never affects our commitment to love you, it hasn't been easy to swallow.  Not because the sinfulness is so great or so unique, but because your resistance hurts.  Thank God for more fresh perspective:

“See the difficult, troublesome, problem situations as God-given opportunities to develop a biblical mind in your teenager. …’Don’t you see that God’s work of rescuing your [daughter] from this temptation has already begun?  Thank Him for His awesome love, and be a part of what He is doing.  Don’t go in with guns blazing.  Tell your [daughter] how much [she] is loved by God and that today that love is being demonstrated in the way God ordained that the [sin] would be found.  Then help [her] to understand the thoughts and motives of [her] heart that led [her] into this sin” (Tripp, Age of Opportunity, pp.137-138). 

His work to win your heart has already begun!! He could have allowed these other sides of you to remain hidden, but He hasn't.  He knows you are not in a place to reveal everything yourself, so He has been doing it for you...guiding us to the truths about you so we know exactly how to pray and how to love you.  How could I not see this before?  We only long to know all sides of you, Sweet Girl, yet you continue to hide behind these walls you've built around your heart to protect it.  You have obviously been hurt so many times before....
We can't possibly understand everything, but we do commit to wait patiently for you.  To take these opportunities that He brings to light on your behalf to prove to you that your new family truly is a safe place to be wholly yourself.  Whoever that is <3

Love,
Mom

Red Moon Rising

How glorious it was just days ago to recognize that we are but instruments in God's Hands.  To remember that no mess of ours is too big for God to overcome.  To hear that I don't need a plan...only a plan to surrender.

If only my heart could have reached that lofty place my head was.

You, Daughter, are a blessing.  A blessing in the way all my children are...like walking, talking mirrors reflecting every flaw in my own depraved heart.  Painful, yes, but a sure way to some solid spiritual growth.

I hadn't been able to spend quality time with you for days due to this case of Strep throat I've been suffering from, and I knew that regardless of how I've been feeling physically (and emotionally), I needed to make every effort to see you.  I needed to practice loving you this unconditional way He's called me to, after all.  Unfortunately, my renewed attitude and fresh perspective didn't hold up to your bad attitude as well as I had so confidently anticipated.

Mistake numero uno: I went into battle without my helmet.
Consequence: I nearly lost my head.  And you nearly lost yours.

I came back home after only hours with you, utterly defeated and back at Square One.  How can I love you when you seem so dead-set on being unlovable?  Harsh thought, I know.  It became quite clear that I was going to need some backup for this battle.  I quickly called on those tried and true prayer warriors in our circle of amazing friends, and pleaded with them to plead alongside me for His grace and mercy and unconditional love.  Little did I know, our prayers would be answered so quickly and so loudly that I would be kept awake by conversations with God all night.

Phase One of sleepless night consisted of me facing my own demons.  One humbling reality after another came to mind regarding my own behavior towards my Heavenly Father that didn't look so different from your behavior towards us.  I admit, solely for the sake of keeping things real, that I had a little-orphaned-Annie-tale scripted in my mind before arriving in Ukraine.  And this is a FAR cry from stumbling upon some charming freckle-faced girl who is mistreated and poor and humbly desiring a family.  The children in your home are surprisingly more privileged than many of the children WITH families—and your sense of entitlement has been anything but charming.  You rarely act like you even want a family…more like a ticket to the States, if even that at times. The reality check is certainly testing my motives...

...of which obviously aren’t coming out so pure. SIGH.  

Sure...many have sacrificed A LOT for you...but "in [our] struggles with sin, we have yet to resist to the point of shedding blood", yet Christ gave his life--painfully--for us to have freedom from struggles that weren't even His Own (Hebrews 12:3-15)!  Yet how has my attitude about this opportunity He's entrusted to us been as of late?  Appreciative?  Grateful? Excited??  No better than yours, embarrassingly.  Frankly, I've been doing a lot of rolling my eyes and pushing Him away myself.

<MORE SIGHING>

Phase Two of sleepless night led me out of bed and searching through Isaac's for his Kindle.  You see, every night we read a chapter of the Bible together as a family.  But because my day sucked, I wasn't having it.  I childishly refused to participate in our family devotions because I knew I wasn't ready to hear it.  I was still wallowing (sound like someone familiar??).  God knew the walls were thin.  He made sure I overheard enough bits and pieces so I would know that I needed to go back and find where my family was reading when I was ready.  He would wait.  Anyway, I was ready and searching and eventually found where they had been reading:  

Gal. 6:2,8-9 “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. …Whoever sows to please their flesh, from the flesh will reap destruction; whoever sows to please the Spirit will reap eternal life.  Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.  Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers.”

REALLY?! I proceeded to journal exactly as I felt.  This is so hard.  Why does this have to be so difficult, Lord?  I am not the right person for the job.  I am much too immature and ill-equipped.  Why me?

Phase Three of sleepless night brought me back to the message I originally wrote to my prayer partners.  Faithful as always, they replied with messages that lifted me up and with Scriptures that poured into me and over my wounds like a salve.  The final one like a bow, wrapping up all of the lessons learned and answering all of the questions I had just asked:

'My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, nor be weary when reproved by him. For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives.' It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline? If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. Besides this, we have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we respected them. Shall we not much more be subject to the Father of spirits and live? For they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them, but he disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness. For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it. Therefore lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees, and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be put out of joint but rather be healed. Strive for peace with everyone, and for the holiness without which no one will see the Lord. See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no 'root of bitterness' springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled" (Hebrews 12:3-15 ESV).    

I finally went to sleep, at 4am, with peace in my heart.  This won't be my last sleepless night, I'm sure.  Our road is not going to be an easy one for either of us, Lucy.  We are all going to be tested and disciplined, but it isn't all for naught.  I am going to have to stop sowing to please my flesh, and get my feelings off of God's throne in my heart so His Spirit can be Sovereign there.  I am still confident that our story is going to end beautifully, but it appears He may be stripping us down to ashes first.  I'll be praying we survive the refining fires still to come  <3

Instruments in His Hands

Before arriving in Ukraine, Dad and I heeded the warnings of many and talked A LOT about the challenges we might face raising a teenager.  We played out different scenarios from our own childhood and formed strategic plans of action in case they became a reality with you.  We surmised what your own struggles could be based on the conversations we've had with you throughout the past year, and I prayed diligently over them.  We discussed age-appropriate expectations and rules that we should set in place for you in the home.  

Yes.  We knew we needed to be prepared for war.  But we failed to recognize that "our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms" (Eph. 6:10-18).

All the temporal plans in the world could not have prepared us for the reality we are now facing.

You are, indeed, an intelligent, independent, and strong young woman.  And, here in your country, much more street-wise than both your father or I by far.  In equal amounts that you are mature, you are still very immature, however.  Like a typical teenager, you have little tolerance for any way that isn't yours, you feel you know more about life than you really do, and you appreciate a good challenge to authority.  Learning all of this about you has really opened my eyes and taught me so much about myself--about the unrealistic and unfair expectations I placed on you before ever meeting you--about the idols of respect and appreciation that control my heart as a parent--about the flesh-filled, conditional way that I love.

In equal amounts that I am mature, I, too, am immature.

I have to make an ugly confession: there have already been a few nights here that I've wept on Dad's shoulder, feeling like you will never like or even respect me.  You are so poised, so reserved, and so concerned with your appearance in public.  I am everything BUT that...and (at times) an obvious embarrassment to you.  You poor girl.  I have questioned whether or not God really made the best choice, choosing me to be your mother when I'm plainly still such a child myself.  I've wondered if we will ever be able to form that mother/daughter bond I know we're both craving.  Then He reminded me:

"It is so easy to lose sight of the fact that these are God's children.  They do not belong to us.  They are not given to bring us glory, but him.  Our teenagers are from him, they exist through him, and the glory of their lives points to him.  We are but agents to accomplish his plan.  We are but instruments in his hands.  ...The ultimate rejection that should make us weep is not they have rejected us, but him" (Paul Tripp, Age of Opportunity, p.35).

The enemy would love nothing more than to tear our family apart before we even get started.  Yes, enemy...I am a mess.  Dad is a mess.  Lucy is a mess.  But it doesn't matter what we are, but Who He is!  "We are but instruments in his hands" to bring HIM glory.

From the beginning, God made it perfectly clear that this mission had nothing to do with me.  But only now is it really sinking in that this has nothing to do with me gaining a daughter, or me raising a lady (although these things have/will happen).  This has always been, and is still about God pursuing you, Sweet girl.  I shouldn't be weeping that you may or may not reject me.... Right now, Dad and I are merely agents He is currently using to accomplish His plans for you.  Plans for you to accept and live for Him.  Plans that won't fail if His Holy Spirit is at the helm.

HENCE, it's perfectly clear to us now that successfully raising teenagers has little to do with the parents and their masterful planning, and EVERYTHING to do with their daily surrendering.

I pray every day that we stay out of His Way.  <3

<3  I love you, Lucy <3 ...No unfair/unrealistic strings attached.

-Mom

A Love without Limits

Today marks 14 years since your dad and I said, "We do"!!   There is no better time to share our humble beginnings with you...to remember, reflect upon, and honor the powerful Arm of God.  Like He delivered the Israelites from Egypt, Sweet Girl, He delivered our marriage from imminent destruction and is bringing us into our "Promised Land" of sorts.

Our relationship began as a rebound (for both of us) and quickly snowballed into something clearly out of even our control.  We were young...VERY young...and (we thought) in love.  After just three months of weekends-only whirlwind dating (Dad was stationed in California at the time), he unromantically threw a holey shirt at my head while rummaging nervously through his backpack, eventually procuring a beautiful ring and proposing to me.  The stuff all good fairytales are made of.
Looking back now, I think we were in love with the idea of escape.  He from the barracks, me from the breakdown of my once ideal nuclear family.  Either way, we rushed everything.  Not even a full year later, we spontaneously talked ourselves into eloping through a local drive-thru wedding chapel: Viva Las Vegas.
Yes.
Our holy matrimony was officiated in my teal Pontiac Sunfire convertible under a canopy of obnoxious cherubim claiming our marriage "was made under Heaven".

Ironically, I can now confirm that although it certainly doesn't sound like it (or even seem like it at the time), God was present that night.  Our marriage was made under Heaven, whether we recognized it or not.

The house we built on sand immediately started sinking.  We fought like children.  He did not like his privacy infringed upon and I didn't like being left alone.  He was fiercely independent and I was equally insecure and needy.  Our paradigm threatened to implode for the first two years, but it wasn't until after the birth of Joshua and during my pregnancy with Isaac that it finally did.  While away on an assignment, your dad found a new escape emotionally.  I happened upon it six months later while paying our cellphone bill. Obviously, I was devastated...but I wasn't completely shocked.  I had suspected this had/would happen so many times before...we were such a mess.
Biblically, I was released from my commitment to him.  Rationally, I should walk away.  Emotionally, I wanted to.  He wasn't due to come home until another week or so, giving me time to digest what had happened and to devise an exit plan.
God had a different plan for that time, however.

One night, while laying wide awake in bed, He made it perfectly clear to me through His Word that I needed to stay.  I needed to recognize my own wicked heart and forgive your dad for his the way Jesus had forgiven me.
Bleh.
That's all I could think when I considered obeying.  It wasn't fair...he didn't deserve it (either did you, Heidi).  I have been such a good wife; I don't deserve this (pride comes before a fall, Heidi...no one is righteous, not even one...you deserve death and hell but I have given you life so you would live it for My glory).
Ugh.  There is no fighting with God.  It's a losing battle.  He always wins.  Thank God ;)
With every fiber of my being dying to the thought, His Holy Spirit filled the huge vacancy in my broken heart and literally led me into a much deeper, unconditional love for your dad.  A love like His.  In the moment when I assumed I'd want to toss his clothes and belongings on the front lawn, I wanted to find a babysitter and prepare a romantic dinner on our patio to welcome him home.  And the moment he arrived, when I assumed he was done with me, he actually wanted to be welcomed...his heart was wide open to mine!! It truly felt like some sort of weird out-of-body experience.  It wasn't us, but it was us.  I hated him, but I couldn't wait to love him through this.  He was over me, but he couldn't wait to work with me.  For the first time ever, I was experiencing God's Word...His Promises...not just reading about them.  It was incredible.

Five more years of rocking and rolling continued until we both finally found our groove in Him.  After experiencing God's Mercy, Dad grew closer and closer to Him and more and more into a man after God's own heart.  After witnessing the complete transformation in your dad, I grew more and more confident in my belief that God does what He says He can...a lesson He continues to review in my own heart.  Sure...I have always wanted to adopt, but it wasn't until your dad felt prompted to love the fatherless that we began praying as a family for you.  He is the man of my dreams.  Truly.  Selfless, gentle, loving, generous, hilarious....  I will never be able to thank God enough for bringing us through that fire; for refining our hearts the way He did.

Now, here we are...celebrating FOURTEEN years together...on a mission for Him to deliver you...together...in Ukraine!!  He has begun writing yet another chapter.  This time, Dad and I are one, already navigating the ups and downs of raising a teenager.  I have to confess, the last week or so hasn't been all flowers and rainbows.  In fact, just days ago I could completely relate to Moses in Numbers 11:11-15, asking the Lord, "why have You brought me this trouble? ...I can't take care of all [this] by myself.  This is too much work for me!"  But just like He answered Moses (and me once before so many years ago), He clearly answered me again: "You won't have to take care of [this] alone...Is there a limit to the Lord's power? Now you will see whether or not My words come true" (v.17, 23).

No, Lord.  There is no limit to Your Power.  Or Your Love.

And with You, there will be no limit to ours.  Thank you!!

Love you, Lucy...ALWAYS.

(Happy Anniversary, Handsome!!! <3)

Worth the Risk

On the train-ride to Dnepropetrovsk, R explained that we would be residing in a relatively safe area, but openly shared the gruesome reality for many of the other orphanages and families caught in the middle of this tangled web of war between Ukraine and Russia only 100 miles East.  Bodies of unidentified soldiers are being piled into the center of a sports stadium, only long enough for physicians to extract blood samples before they're burned to make way for more dead.  The wounded are being transported to our city for medical aid and relief before being sent back to the front lines.   Hundreds of orphaned children from Lugansk have been moved to another region due to the constant bombings that still hold their teachers and directors captive, without water, power, or food, in the basement of a crumbling building.

And, unfortunately, three prospective families currently wait and pray in Kiev for God to pave a way to bring these officials, and the children they've been waiting for, out of all of this to safety.  Otherwise, they may all be returning home incomplete.

Our family back home watches the news headlines nervously (understandably so)....  I'm tempted to get a bit anxious myself when I read reports and dwell on the lack of distance between us and this crisis or witness the very protests reported on with my own eyes.  The gravity of the situation we're so near to is never lost on us.  It is nothing short of a miracle that we are safe and this whole process is protected thus far.  Who are we that the Ukrainian government would even make time to review our case in court while they're dealing with such turmoil?  And yet, we receive news this morning that we may be able to officiate your adoption even quicker than usual?!  What a story God continues to write for you!!!

Months before we were called on to travel, I had been reading and journaling in the Book of Esther.  Just this morning, when I was battling a touch of fear, the Lord reminded me of a drawing I made over Chapter 4:13-14 of Ukraine, half colored yellow and the other half blue, with the words, "Worth the Risk" above it.  I went back to this chapter to read what it said:

"Mordecai sent this answer back to Esther, 'Do not imagine that just because you are in the king’s palace you will be any safer than all the rest of the Jews. 14 The fact is, even if you remain silent now, someone else will help and rescue the Jews, but you and your relatives will die. And who knows, you may have gained your royal position for a time like this.'”


His Spirit used this to remind me again that our lives are always fragile. Even when we imagine we're safe or our surroundings seem safe, there is no guarantee that we are truly any further from death than those in the center of this crisis. And the fact is, if we were to run home now, He would still accomplish what He brought us here to do.  The only difference would be that eventually we'll die anyway, but without experiencing this incredible opportunity to be used by Him!!

No thanks.

I don't want to live my life "safely", nor do I want this for your dad, you, or your brothers.  I've prayed for us all to live with a reckless abandon to His will...a RaDiCaL obedience that strengthens our faith in a God that's real...to develop an arsenal of personal accounts of all the miracles He can still do! I'm now recognizing that this obviously requires a little scary in exchange for a LOT of deliverance and a beautiful daughter--but it is still totally worth the risk.  ;)

Love you so much <3

Mom