The March Around Your Heart

"Jericho was bolted and barred shut because the people were afraid of the Israelites.  No one could enter or leave.  The LORD said to Joshua, 'I am about to hand Jericho, its king, and its warriors over to you.  All the soldiers will march around the city once a day for six days. ...When you hear a long blast on the horn, all the troops must shout very loudly.  The wall around the city will collapse." -Joshua 6:1-5 (GWT)

Like the city of Jericho, fear seems to be trapping you, Lucy.  Because your heart is bolted and barred shut, our love has been unable to enter and yours unable to leave.  You are afraid to be too vulnerable with us.  Admittedly, it's been a tough pill for me to swallow.  You wear a pretty mask, hiding behind good performance and flattery on the surface...but your sins have found you out. We know, Sweet Girl.  We have been given eyes to see past the well-constructed facade and into the deep-rooted insecurities you are really struggling with.  We have been made aware of the lies you've been spinning to cover the truth that you are actually crossing boundaries we've put in place for your own protection and healing.  

It's so funny how much more we have come to understand our Father in Heaven and how He must feel about us through your adoption.  Dad and I are no better than you.  We, too, are guilty of making poor choices that go against God's will and the boundaries He has put in place for our safety...and we've been known to cover our mess in good works and flowery prayers to Him as well.  But how silly we must seem to God!!  Just as your insecurities are so apparent to us, even more so our innermost thoughts are to our Creator (Prov. 20:27)!  When will we all get a clue?!
This past Sunday, the Holy Spirit flooded me with conviction and brought me to my knees.  I have been so resentful toward and frustrated with you, attempting to avoid the ugly truth by sadly avoiding you.  I hate fake.  I hate that you've been carrying on this masquerade, believing that you're fooling us.  I hate that I know what we know, yet we've been led to wait on God to act.
After surrendering my own mess, literally leaving it at the altar, it was as if scales had been removed from my eyes so I could finally see what He had been trying to impress on me through His Word (that just wasn't sinking in before).  In Joshua, Chapter 6, the Lord directs the new Commander of His Israelite army not to use their brute strength and force to take the city of Jericho, but to march around it and blow horns instead.

Seriously?!

And, as if one time around wouldn't make them appear foolish enough to their enemy, God requested they do this once a day for SIX DAYS (v.3)?!  I can only imagine the choice words these incredible hulks must have been saying about their leader's unconventional battle strategy.  Regardless, the men did what they were told for six days.  On the seventh day, I'm certain their resolve was tested to the max when they were commanded to march around the city seven times.  It was likely their last straw when Joshua called out, "'Shout, because the LORD has given you the city!'"

...but then the walls collapsed!!  They ended up claiming everything in Jericho...not because of anything they had done so they could boast, but because God had delivered the city to them through faith as an act of His kindness (Eph. 2:8-9).

Unconventional didn't look so bad after all.

"Unconventional" about captures the essence of where God has been guiding us.  My flesh longs to call you out on what it knows; to stick my tongue out and say, "Ha! Thought you fooled me, but you didn't--take this [extreme punishment]"....  But that method of brutality wouldn't win your heart.  In fact, I'm almost certain it would only cause you to fortify your heart even more against us.  Nope.  God's plan is not one of finger-pointing and harsh consequences, but of grace and love.  He is asking us to maintain firm boundaries, yes, but to refrain from being swept up in our bloodlust.  He wants us to go around and around you patiently instead, shouting His love and showing you His Grace.  The Lord has made it clear that only He can cause the walls around your heart to come tumbling down.  I pray, in Jesus' Name, we claim every part of your precious heart for Him.

I love you, Lucy <3  We are not the enemy.  I hope that soon you will come to believe that we are standing at your gates with an intent to rescue and not ransack you.

Remembering Egypt

"The LORD your God used His mighty hand and powerful arm to do this for you....  He did this using plagues, miraculous signs, amazing things, and war.  He did his great and awe-inspiring deeds in front of you.  You were shown these things so that you would know that the LORD is God.  ...He forced nations greater and stronger than you out of your way to bring you into [this] land and give it to you.  ...There is no other god. ...Remember today, and never forget that the LORD is God in heaven above and here on earth.  There is no other god." -Deut. 4:34b-35, 38-39

Wow.  To read passages in God's Word like these and have them apply almost literally to your own story....  Lucy, God ADORES you!! His plans for your testimony--the full version, however gritty the details--will be an amazing one!!! After reading, "Remember today, and never forget..." I find it more important than ever to define the "hiccups" in writing, lest we ever forget that our God is not just some Big Guy in the Sky, but walking alongside us here on earth.  

Upon arriving in Ukraine up until we finalized your adoption on February 19th, everything went smoothly.  No bumps, buts, or coconuts...we were praising God for paving the way.  

...Then our first visit to the Embassy happened:

"Do you have the form I-600a?" 

"We have the I-600."

"No, the I-600a that must be completed before, on, or within 6 months of the child's 16th birthday?"

"The I-600 explicitly states that we have been approved to adopt a child through 17 years of age."

"I'm sorry, Sir and Ma'am, but the I-600a needed to be filed and approved for this child specifically.  A visa cannot be issued otherwise."

"?! Then what happens now?  She's officially ours according to Ukraine, but she cannot return to the US with her new family??"

"I apologize for the circumstances.  This is very unusual.  We have never dealt with this situation before.  I suggest you return home, write a letter of appeal explaining why this form was not submitted in the appropriate time, as well as have you and as many of your friends/family as possible contact your State representatives to intervene.  Only they have the influence to bypass this form."

Immediately, we were tempted to FReAK. OuT.  It definitely wasn't our finest moment, but in the recesses of all of the panic and worry, God's still small voice reminded me that we had prayed for many to hear your story and be moved for His glory.  And MANY who would have otherwise known nothing about our journey were quickly enlightened, as friends and family shared our plea over Facebook and wrote our Senators and Representative.  A process that we expected to leave us trapped in limbo for weeks, took only two days!!!  This major problem was solved even BEFORE we received your Ukraine Int'l passport, that had been requested a week prior to that first Embassy appointment!

What we were told was impossible, God, AGAIN, made possible!!!

We were so overjoyed to be able to purchase a new set of plane tickets with a date that was only days away, and that we only faced changing them twice.

...Then the second visit to the Embassy happened:

"Did you pay for the visa yet?"

"Not yet, Sir."

"Okay.  Please see the clerk at the next window, pay, and return to this window when you are done."

<Pan to next window>

"$300 please, Sir and Ma'am"

<Dad hands them our bank card>

"Oh.  I am sorry.  Our computers are down.  We are only accepting cash today."

?!

<Pan to original window>

"We are unable to pay...can we go withdraw cash and return to pick up our visa?"

"Well, Sir, I hate to inform you...but all of our systems are down today.  You would be able to finish your visa process today, but unfortunately no visas will be printed due to the downed systems.  I am so sorry.  This is very unusual for us.  We rarely deal with this situation.  I apologize for the trouble."

Naturally, we wanted to throw something.  Especially at any person that wanted to use the words, "unusual" and "situation" in the same string of sentences again.  Unusual, indeed.  We were frustrated, but still grateful you had a visa in the line to be printed.  We were well aware at this point that the situation could have been much worse.  We changed our plane tickets for a third time, confident we were leaving soon!

...Then the pilot strike happened.

Nope.  Not joking.

Dad happened upon the information that our flight had been cancelled due to a pilot's strike when he went online to check its status.  Praise God for our adoption airfare travel agent, who was able to change our tickets again to a completely different airline that left about the same time on the same day!  We were still leaving as scheduled...but this time we faced three connections...and you told us you struggle with airsickness on descent only, which meant you were facing puke bags three times :(  

Not ideal.  But happening.

...we hoped.

You can remember our glee, I'm sure, when we were all seated and FINALLY on the airplane awaiting departure.  It was such an exciting moment!!!! 

...Then the Captain's announcement happened.

<20 minutes after plane doors are closed>

"I apologize for the delay, folks, but we are waiting on the all clear from Amsterdam before we can depart."

<30 minutes later>

"Unfortunately, we have yet to receive clearance to depart. It looks like it may be another 45 minutes."

<45 minutes later>

"Visibility is poor, folks.  We are going to give Amsterdam a few more minutes.  Again, we are sorry for this unusual situation."

<images of us clawing the Captain's eyes out in an outrage flash through our minds>

"All clear."

<plane actually taxis to runway and takes off, with people still getting situated back in seats after wandering around during the wait>

Praise God!!!  We were in the air!!!! Leaving Ukraine!!!  Starving at this point, but leaving.  And there were going to be complimentary snacks and drinks coming around any minute. 

So we thought.  We really had to go around the tree a few times before we learned not to assume.

We see a cute little flight attendant waltzing down the aisle with a tray full of small cups of water. When she arrived at our seats, she offered us some and asked if we would like to purchase any snacks or sodas.

WHAT?!

We were forced to comply.  Our children weren't plump enough to eat and we didn't want to be eaten!  So, for the low low price of $22, we purchased a fine meal of 3 packages of Ramen noodles, 3 Juice boxes, 1 soda, and two packages of peanuts.  Desperate times called for desperate measures.
Upon descent into Amsterdam, you looked a bit pale...but you didn't throw up--praise Jesus (Mama does NOT do regurgitation well).  We only had an hour to spare before our connecting flight boarded.  Luckily, the gate was next door but also guarded by massive security detail and a lengthy line to get through it.  We got in line with the rest of the herd and finally reached our turn 30 minutes later.  A stoic-looking secret agent man began asking each of us five specific questions, all of us answering quickly and correctly apparently (we weren't hauled away).  Then, he turned to you.  Your baffled expression as he rambled the questions off in English quickly tipped him off that you were no American.  After much explaining on our part and his pouring over our adoption papers (20 more minutes pass), it was determined that the security questions must be asked in your native tongue.  007 leaves us in search of anyone who speaks Russian and amazingly returns only minutes later, with a cute Russian-speaking boy (the pink in your cheeks revealed you agreed...to Dad's dismay) happy to oblige (also to Dad's dismay).

We were on the other side of security, in a fiberglass prison, just in time to board our flight. Phew!

Situated and ready, we sat on the tarmac once again.  And, once again, the Captain's voice fills the cabin:

"We apologize for the delay.  We are waiting on a few passengers that just arrived on another flight that was slightly delayed.  They need to get to their destination, too, so please be patient as we get them and their luggage on board.  Thank you."

No problem, we have and hour and a half to spare between the time this flight lands and our last connecting flight boards.

<40 minutes go by>

"Well, we have all of our passengers accounted for.  But we are searching for an HP charger and cord.  If anyone has this, please see a flight attendant.  Thank you."

<20 minutes pass>

"Let me explain what's going on here, Folks.  All passengers must prove that their electronic devices can turn on and off before they are cleared by security (we didn't...weird).  We have a passenger who lost his charger and is unable to meet the requirements.  He must now decide whether he will leave the laptop in question behind, or have his luggage removed from the aircraft and placed on another flight departing later.  Pray he leaves the laptop or we are facing another 45-minute delay."

?!(*!#$%^!#$^%!

"Flight attendants, get ready for departure."

I still don't understand why on earth 200 people had to be delayed for 1...this wasn't eternal salvation at stake...but whatever.  We were off and making good time.  We landed in Minneapolis safely and were overjoyed that you were officially an American now!!!  With only 50 minutes remaining before we had to board our next plane, we frantically rush from one line of customs to the next trying to figure out which exact line we should be in.  We get our turn, only to learn that we were supposed to fill out a blue customs form (that our airline specifically announced American citizens no longer needed to fill out, so we hadn't).  Filling it all out and starting all over, we get through customs...do everything necessary to submit your documents...and start booking it towards are next gate (20 minutes left until departure at this point).  In our rush, the blur of our suitcases passing by on the baggage claim conveyor in his peripheral halts Josh in his tracks.  Hollering, "Isn't that our suitcases?" to us ahead, we all halt with him.  Yes. It was.  Why were our suitcases on the conveyor and NOT being transferred to our next flight?  We had no time for an explanation.  All of us grabbed for and juggled our 7 pieces of luggage and continued our mad dash through yet another security line.  We checked in our luggage again, made it through the line like pros, all just in time to overhear the announcement over the loudspeaker:

"Last boarding call for Flight (ours) headed to Dallas"

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Seriously?!

Sending Josh and his go-go-gadget legs running ahead of us to our gate...on the very end of a terminal on the very opposite side of where we were (no exaggeration)...we looked like the scene straight out of Home Alone with jackets, purses, carry-ons, and limbs flying everywhere as all five of us sprinted across the airport.

Miraculously, by divine intervention only, we made it just before they shut the door.  Even the customer service reps were impressed and greatly relieved for us.  The last flight was most uneventful, a miracle in itself after the day we had.

God moved some HUGE mountains for us in Ukraine and on our way out, indeed.  His Timing was so perfect, we rode the whole way home on the edge of our seats.  I resented it all then, but looking back on it now I am so grateful that every detail happened exactly the way it did.  We were given our own Egypt to remember.  Great and awe-inspiring deeds were done right before our very eyes--we were shown that the Lord is God.  He literally forced nations greater and stronger than us out of our way to bring you home!!!

We must never forget what He did for us.  He is the Lord God in Heaven AND on the earth.  There is no other.

<3

Deep Secrets, a Dam, then Dry Ground

We still stand at the banks of our Jordan.  It has been a whole month now since we arrived home, and in a sense, we have been scouting out the "the entire land" (aka. your heart) that the LORD has already given us (Joshua 2).  We know that you are incredibly sensitive and insecure.  You are a perfectionist and desire to please others, yet you have quite a stubborn streak to contend with.  You are a thoughtful and loyal daughter, sister, and friend, willing to be hilariously silly when you're comfortable.  Your work ethic blows us away--when you want something, you will do whatever it takes to get it...no complaints...you just put your head down and plow through every obstacle.  You are very organized and insist on being prompt; hence, you often grow extremely impatient with my tendency toward tardiness (and to talk a lot when we could be leaving somewhere to go home).  You love to shop and are hyper-aware of boys, boys, boys.  You love having a family--this has thankfully become so obvious.  And,

You crave to be loved.

Like most of the world, however, you have been seeking it in all of the wrong places: in the attention you garner on social media, from the amount of attention you're able to gather from boys, from man's accolades for good performance or your beautiful appearance...all of these return null and void after time, I know.  Yet, for the time being, you're still ensnared in this toxic hamster wheel of sorts...running and running and running a race with no end and no prize.

Your foundations of life have been undermined, Sweet Girl...what can Dad and I do (Ps. 11:3)? God's judgments are currently beyond your understanding (Ps.10:5).  Your mouth is full of cursing, deception, and oppression (Ps. 10:7).  You are only focused on your selfish desires right now and are in complete turmoil over all of the freedom you once had that we've taken away (you simply weren't ready for it) (Ps. 10:3).  While you are 90% wonderful, you're still 10% flesh and 100% battling its desires.

Although it is clear you are growing to love us, you still aren't ready to throw all of your eggs in our family's basket.  We know you have secrets.  Deep secrets.  Maybe even dark ones.  We know that you're being tempted to walk backwards instead of forward into this Promised Land with us, and that it isn't easy to let go of old habits.  Yet, you share none of it.  Of all the difficulties we've faced during this transition thus far, not being able to have real conversations with you has been the hardest for me, bar none.  In the small ways I can, I've been trying to communicate that Dad and I want to know the real you...whoever that is.  That we will love you, no matter what.  That we aren't looking for a perfect daughter, just the you that God gave us.  What I haven't been able to say is that your attempts to manipulate situations with your charming smile and outwardly good behavior aren't fooling us--we see it all for what it is: just a mask that you're hiding behind.  No doubt, the struggle to turn your nose up and say that we don't care and "God doesn't care" and that "He has hidden His Face" and "will never see [the truth you think you've been hiding so well]" is there.  But He does see, Lucy, and so do we.  He has taken note of all of your trouble and grief (Ps. 10:14).  Not to condemn you, as the world might have you believe...but to free you.  He alone is the helper of orphans and will punish this wickedness until there is no more (Ps. 10:15).

Dad and I can do nothing to regain that lost time and those formative years with you.  But we wholly entrust our family to God Who can do anything.  It has become abundantly clear that we are only to follow with enough space behind Him, "so that [we] will know which way to go because [we] have not gone this way before" (Josh. 3:4).  We are about to step into the water of our Jordan, but only to stand and watch the Lord's promise as He goes ahead of us.  The current of your pain and past won't overcome us--He will stop its raging flow, causing it to stand up like a dam around us for His glory.

We will cross into this Promised Land together "on dry ground" (Josh. 3:13-17).