Names

"The future is meant to be written in light of the patterns of the past. We can't predict the future, but we can read the patterns of the past to see how God has marked us for His purposes.  He uses the past to open our future.  As we learn to read patterns, we gain an understanding of our calling."

 -Dan B. Allender, To Be Told, p.92.

I never got to know your whole story.  I've only been able to speculate, to fill in the spaces.  I imagine you are intimately familiar with abandonment...with loneliness...with shame.  The patterns of your past scarring more than marking you.  I know you've been named Thief, Liar, Selfish, Promiscuous, and Dangerous; many of the names spoken and written by those of us who were called to love you like Jesus loves you, yet failing miserably in our carnal response to your hurtful actions.  I am so sorry to keep going back and forth, from wide open to completely closed towards you.  I am sorry that I have allowed the opinions of others, and fear, to thwart me from what God has called me to do.  I am sorry that I mistook my calling to simply be your mother.

"Our calling is not what we do--it's how we do it" (Allender, p.97).  

I was called to fearlessly and faithfully be your mother.

Now reading the patterns of my own past, I could be named Fearful or Faithless.  I have been afraid.  I am afraid of giving myself completely to anyone to be betrayed and trashed again.  Just as many situations and relationships etched scars into you; so have many etched their scars into me...not just our experiences with you.  And just as something about our family scratched at your wounds, so your choices scratched at mine.

I have written it before and I stand by it still today: you are not my enemy and we are not yours.  Our real enemy continues to prowl around us both like a hungry lion trying to devour those pieces of us that reflect our God.  Satan wants me to believe my name is Fearful and Faithless.  He wants you to believe that yours is Abandoned and Lonely.  He wants us to see you as Liar and Selfish; he wants you to see us as Untrustworthy and Uninterested.

"However, all the truest themes have to do with what each of us uniquely reveals about God's character.  Our calling is to reveal God through the themes He has woven into our character" (Allender, p.99).

Throughout my life, I was ironically known for being fearless and having faith that moved mountains.  And, in the short time we closely knew you, your strength and courage were always evident.  It was that fearlessness and faithfulness, inner strength and courage, that God worked together to make us a family!  Somewhere along our story together, I lost sight of how I was called to love you: fearlessly and with mighty faith.  My name, Heidi Eileen, actually means "Battle maid and Bringer of Light"! Your given name, Lyudmila, alone means "dearly loved by the people"!  Completely contrary to Fearful and Faithless, Abandoned and Lonely!  

And, Lucy, you are DEARLY LOVED by me <3

I don't think that either of us actually desires to hurt the other or to stay apart.  I can only speak for myself, however.  I know I meant it when I wrote you months back and said I wanted to be a part of your life.  My actions haven't been consistent because my walk with God hasn't been consistent.  But when I am walking close to Him, and looking to Him for guidance concerning you, He always advises me to love you recklessly without fear and with faith that He is still moving mountains.  

People closest to me don't get it.  Your dad doesn't always get it.  Josh doesn't always get it.  Papa doesn't always get it.  Counselors advise me to keep my distance.  Friends think I am stupid.  But it shouldn't matter.  I shouldn't have been looking to them or you or anyone else for advice on how best to handle my relationship with you.  I should have fixed my eyes on Jesus and trusted His plans and purposes for us.  I hope you can understand and forgive me once again for failing to be what He called me to be for you.  I also hope you see how faithfully God Himself continues to pursue your heart, regardless of the screw ups us people can be.

Happy 20th Birthday, Loo.  I am praying that God continues to grab ahold of your heart and to wholly fill those empty places.  Love you always.

Mom

Ready and Willing

I know I told you that I needed to step back; that I need to let you go and no longer lose sight of your brothers in my pursuit of you.  All of that is still true.  I want nothing more than to talk to you, Loo.  I want to hear about your wedding plans and about Kris and life in Alabama.  I've always wanted that.  I care for you deeply.  But the reality is, our conversations never end there.  They have never stayed friendly for long.  Just when it seems like we're growing closer, you pull away often claiming more hurtful things or getting angry seemingly out of nowhere.  For you, I'm sure it seemed like nothing...but it destroyed me every time.

I know that deep down you're hurting and that is why you hurt others.  To protect your heart from being crushed, you do the crushing first.  I will never be able to imagine the depth of the pain you grapple with day-to-day.  And, I am so afraid of being just another person in your life that fuels the lies I think you've come to believe: that you're not worth the fight, that your brokenness is hopeless, that another person is giving up on you.  That fear, those feelings...they consume me.

Please do not mistake my stepping back as giving up.  I love you, Lucy.  Counselors, friends, family...probably even you don't understand how God has sealed you on my heart.  It's awesome really; an answer to so many prayers of mine when we started the process of adoption.  I will always be by your side, fighting for your heart in prayer, begging God to restore your health and joy and our relationship <3  You are our daughter and always will be as far as we're concerned.  Hence, I will continue to write to you here; I still want some way to let you know that you are always on my mind (without getting a piece of yours).

I am sorry if this decision of mine to buffer conversation with you seems out of place and sudden.  I have been counseled for the past two years to do this, to protect the members of the family that didn't leave and to protect myself.  But I just couldn't make the change until recently because of my determination to prove that I love you no matter what.  Only after Jesus gave me the parable of the Prodigal Son did I finally realize I had still been loving you all wrong.

The father in the story of the Prodigal Son didn't chase down the son that walked away from the family, that chose to live his life the way he wanted to...outside of the father's protection and provision.  He didn't wallow in sorrow or ask around town about him.  Instead, he waited at home patiently, carrying on with life there, but ready and willing to receive his son with open arms when the son chose to return.  The father knew and trusted in the sovereignty of God to bring his child back when the time was right; when the son was genuinely humbled and could recognize the love and the blessings he had left behind.

I believe that in your own way, you do love us, Loo.  I believe you never intend to hurt anybody and that you are truly remorseful for the choices you make when you do.  But I have only seen you choose you.  You are a survivor, and you survive at any cost.  And while I can't allow you to survive at the cost of us anymore, I know and trust in the sovereignty of God to make all things new.

I have offered this to you before and the offer still stands: if ever there comes a day when you want help, when you want to break free of this painful cycle of broken homes and relationships, we are always ready and willing to arrange for and go on a journey to healing with you through counseling.  I may not be running all over social media looking for you anymore, obsessing about where you are and what you're doing and how you've been, but I am still here ready and willing to receive you with open arms should you ever humbly return home <3

I love you,
Mom