With Total Abandon

I. am. exhausted.  Spiritually, emotionally…. I know you are as well.  Two weeks ago, you completely shut me out.  You made a decision that you wouldn't discuss certain topics, but these uncomfortable ones for you happen to be the very topics that lend us opportunity to know you more intimately and to disciple you :(  Since, you've been very obviously angry, actively posting things aimed to hurt and to snub all the breakthroughs we've made up until this point.  The worst comment prefacing them all was, "I'm done pretending that everything is okay."

After the phone call we received yesterday, I was (frankly) about done, too.  All of our paperwork has expired.  It has taken up so much time putting out these small fires to get everything just right, that our agency completely overlooked a raging fire that ultimately destroyed everything.  In order to move forward, we have to start over.  We're devastated.  And, if you've already given up,  where will this news leave you?

I am so thankful we worship a God Who can make beauty from ashes (Is. 61:1-3).

Yesterday, I saw red; today, I see hope.  Jesus feels us, Sweet girl.  From the moment I woke up this morning, He has been showering me with comfort.  Overnight, He dispatched the Church, putting it on hearts to pray, to call and speak encouragement into us, to text us Scripture we can hold fast to, and to email us devotions that all scream the same message: "Persevere!" and "Radically obey!"

Through my own awesome devotional, He perfectly provided a fresh outlook on an age-old account that, paired with the emails, gave me a crystal clear view into His will for this mess:

"Simon answered, 'Master, we've worked hard all night and haven't caught anything.  But because you say so, I will let down the nets" (Luke 5:5). …How many times have I found myself in Peter's position and not responded in obedience the way he did?  It saddens my heart to remember the occasions I've ignored Jesus' call for my radical obedience because I was tired, or because I didn't really believe Jesus would work miraculously in a particular situation, or mostly because the Lord's request made no sense in human terms. …We have to remember that Simon Peter didn't know that something as mundane as lowering his net into the water would change his life--but it did!  And that's how it can be for us. …That's what's remarkable about radical obedience.  You don't know where it will lead.  You don't know how God will use it" (Terkeurst, What Happens When Women Say Yes to God Devotional, 69-71).

From one of the emailed devotions (author: Greg Laurie):

When David was called by God to be king, he was out watching sheep, just being faithful.

What was Gideon doing when God called him? He was hiding from his enemies. He was terrified.

And what was Elisha doing when Elijah called him to carry on the work? He was out plowing in the field.

My point is this: They were faithfully doing what God had set before them. They weren't running around, looking for big, important things to accomplish. They didn't have public relations consultants or agents. They were simply doing the little things, waiting on God. Sometimes we have great ideas of what God will do. But we have to wait on Him. What are your dreams right now? Maybe you want to do something for God, but you think it will never happen. Then again . . . maybe it will. Maybe it even will surpass your wildest dreams. Just be faithful to do what God has set before you right now. Your future is safe in His hands.

Lastly, the loudest message from another emailed devotion put on your grandmother's heart to send:

"Because you have kept My command to persevere..." (Rev 3:10)

Perseverance means more than endurance--more than simply holding on until the end. A saint's life is in the hands of God like a bow and arrow in the hands of an archer. God is aiming at something the saint cannot see, but our Lord continues to stretch and strain, and every once in a while the saint says, "I can't take any more."   Yet God pays no attention; He goes on stretching until His purpose is in sight, and then He lets the arrow fly. Entrust yourself to God's hands. Is there something in your life for which you need perseverance right now? Maintain your intimate relationship with Jesus Christ through the perseverance of faith. Proclaim as Job did, "Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him" (Job 13:15)

Faith is not some weak and pitiful emotion, but is strong and vigorous confidence built on the fact that God is holy love. And even though you cannot see Him right now and cannot understand what He is doing, you know Him. Disaster occurs in your life when you lack the mental composure that comes from establishing yourself on the eternal truth that God is holy love. Faith is the supreme effort of your life--throwing yourself with abandon and total confidence upon God.

God ventured His all in Jesus Christ to save us, and now He wants us to venture our all with total abandoned confidence in Him. There are areas in our lives where that faith has not worked in us as yet--places still untouched by the life of God. There were none of those places in Jesus Christ's life, and there are to be none in ours. Jesus prayed, "This is eternal life, that they may know You..."(John 17:3) The real meaning of eternal life is a life that can face anything it has to face without wavering. If we will take this view, life will become one great romance--a glorious opportunity of seeing wonderful things all the time, God is disciplining us to get us into this central place of power. Oswald Chambers

Right now, we're understandably the saints saying, "We can't take anymore."  But He is blatantly calling on us to persevere, to radically obey, to trust Him even when that means His terms make no sense or our faith in the miracles He could perform is faltering.  "He wants us to venture out with total abandoned confidence in Him"!!  We need to settle in and faithfully press on, working out this challenge He's set before us while we wait on Him.  He has a plan…and my gut tells me it will surpass even our wildest dreams.  

In a text sent to me, also this morning, by a sweet friend and prayer partner-in-crime:

"Since we are surrounded by so many examples of faith, we must get rid of everything that slows us down, especially sin that distracts us.  We must run the race that lies ahead of us and never give up.  We must focus on Jesus, the source and goal of our faith.  He saw the joy ahead of Him, so He endured death on the cross and ignored the disgrace it brought Him.  Then, He received the highest position in heaven, the one next to the throne of God.  Think about Jesus, who endured opposition…so that you don't become tired and give up" (Hebrews 12:1-3 GWT).  

He's Still Driving

I received an exciting call from a friend last night.  Her and her husband have been facing similar spiritual challenges as us…trusting God's plan even when it seems to be veering far from their own.  He recently took a job in Fort Worth, moving their family from comfort and close knit friends in Montana to a bustling city full of busy people.  Neither he nor she feel settled or connected to their new life. It hasn't helped that he's already been struggling with difficult relationships at work and she with building any lasting friendships at home.  This, in addition to other events, led to his decision to apply for different job…hopefully one that would lead them back to their "quality" life in beautiful Montana (even if it meant sacrificing the "quantity" that led them to Texas).
One door of opportunity after another seemed to discouragingly slam in their faces.  It made no sense.  They haven't felt at peace where they're at, but there's been no direction as to where they're supposed to be going.  I know you're thinking their exciting call was the announcement of an open door…. I thought so too.  It wasn't.  A savvy thought on their mother's part helped them thankfully discover that his job contract would require they reimburse all moving expenses if he were to quit before a 24-month period.  Had any of the jobs he had been applying for gone through as they had initially hoped, they would have lost A LOT of moola!!!  They were certain that God WAS shutting the doors…not to cause them suffering and pain, but to protect them from financial disaster!
Their situation gave them and us fresh perspective.  Lysa Terkeurst says it best in her devotional, What Happens When Women Say Yes to God:

"Sometimes God's power is shown as much in preventing things as it is in making them happen" (p.41).

I can't begin to understand why the process of bringing you home was effortless months ago, then seemed to come to and stay at a screeching halt.  I can't begin to lie and say I'm finding joy in all of this right now. But I CAN rest assured that His Hand is still on this.  He is still at the wheel.  He can see what's around the corner and has chosen to press on the brakes for our protection.

Great Expectations

For years I've battled feeling like a failure.  With every disappointment I've caused somebody, another figurative chink in my armor left me questioning my worth in this world. I can never get it right. 
Not until this long stretch of time waiting for you, have the standards by which I've been measuring myself against been challenged.  A sweet mentor gave me some sound advice (that your grandmother has been trying to impart on me forever): we're only responsible for living up to God's expectations of us...and sometimes this might mean we'll have to suck it up and be okay with disappointing everyone else.  I don't think I'll ever relish the idea of bearing some scarlet letter or holding the reigning title of "Black Sheep" among my peers, but I can definitely say that without a doubt I dread the eternal implications that would come with rejecting the Holy Spirit.

<ENTER ANOTHER LESSON ON EXPECTATIONS>

Over the summer Dad expressed his desire to do something bigger for God.  He's no longer content living his dream, he wants to live God's for our family.  I was and am still overwhelmed with awe at how your Dad has grown--finally he's taken hold of his role as the spiritual head of our home!!  And it couldn't be better timing :) I couldn't wait to learn what eXoTiC mission the Lord would take us on!!  Oh, the possibilities!  Ukraine?? Thailand?? China??

Nope.

Location of leading thus far: middle of nowhere, Arizona.

Message after message via several different means has clearly been challenging my own expectations of God and how He would answer my prayers.  Naturally, it would be within His will to answer this deep desire in my heart to be a famous missionary in a third world country rescuing trafficked women and orphaned babies.  Right?

Wrong.

It's only recently dawned on me how ignorant I am.  Who am I, mere flesh and blood, to be placing any expectations on my Creator?!  His will isn't to be my Santa Claus, granting me every desire on my bucket list.  Yes, He wants all of His children to have the desires of their hearts.  But, first and foremost, He wants us to give Him our WHOLE heart.  Following Jesus doesn't mean saying a magic prayer and waiting to be showered in blessings.  Following Jesus requires a "turn from our selfish ways".  Blessings do come, but not always in the form of fame, fortune, and fascinating travel experiences. 

Not everything is beneficial, even if everything we dream is within His will (1 Co.6:12).

I have admittedly been consumed with expectation after another that He's failed to meet lately, that I've completely overlooked all of those unimaginable ones He has!  He has provided me the opportunity to stay at home with my children, to walk alongside of each of you and disciple you.  He's given me a husband with a renewed heart and a shared dream. And He's giving us you. 

So.  On that note, I can hereby confirm that when "you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it.  But if you give up your life [and what you expected it would look like] for [Jesus'] sake and for the sake of the Good News, you will save it" (Mark 8:34-35).