"And the city and all that is within it shall be devoted to the Lord for destruction. ...But you, keep yourselves
from the things devoted to destruction, lest when you have devoted them
you take any of the devoted things and make the camp of Israel a thing for destruction and bring trouble upon it. But all silver and gold, and every vessel of bronze and iron, are holy to the Lord; they shall go into the treasury of the Lord."
"[Achan] made a hasty decision. Under the cover of confusion and smoke, and with no one close enough to see him, he wrapped his discovery in the garment, put it on like a backpack and took it to his tent. That evening he dug a hole in the floor and buried his treasure there. Achan knew he had sinned. How can we tell? Because he hid what he had taken." -p. 49, God's Law of First Things
Time continues to go by without any indication that the Lord is redeeming our relationship. I just didn't get it. "Something was wrong; losing [you forever] wasn't part of the plan" (GLFT, p. 50). Add to the chasm that has only grown wider between us, so has the chasm between our relationships with God. We have grown so distracted. Dad with work, me with school, Josh with friends, Isaac with video games, and all of us with moving from place to place trying to find our "normal" again. All four of us have found ways to numb ourselves to the reality that things still aren't ok.
We've heard from you only a handful of times this year, and each time it has only been to demand your documents. When our answer didn't satisfy you, you got the host family involved...pleading with us on your behalf to help you because "I mean, having to fight rumors you were trafficked because you can't prove citizenship? It's crazy."
It is crazy. Almost as crazy as being accused of being human traffickers. 😑
Ugh.
It's not fair. That's how we feel. It's not fair that you could blow in and out of our lives like you did, nearly destroying us in your wake, and get to choose what parts of our family you want to keep: like your citizenship status. It's not fair that you lose all of the documents we did send you, tell us you hate us when we tell you we don't have what you want because we already sent it to you, and viciously note that you are trying to be adopted by the host family because (in reality) we don't serve your master plan anymore. Regardless of how many cheeks we turn, you continue to be downright cruel.
Even still, I have been so unsettled about withholding the last remaining copies of your adoption paperwork. Because they have personal information, we purposely kept them from you. Dad and I justified our decision over and over to ourselves each time you'd request them. We gave you everything you needed to live on your own after all. It's not our fault you lost it all. Why should we have to put our necks on the line for someone so quick to break them? We'd be stupid to trust you with such critical information after the stunts you already pulled....
Yesterday, while prepping for a Bible study, I was reading about God's law of first things. While we are blessed when we devote the first of everything (our time, talents, treasure, children) to Him, we remove ourselves out from under that blessing when we choose ourselves, our plans, and our will first instead. The biblical story of a man, named Achan, was used to illustrate this point. Achan was part of the crew told to march around the walls of Jericho until God caused the walls to crumble, giving them the city. They were not to take any of the "devoted" things intended for the "treasury of the LORD," lest they bring trouble on their own homes. Yet, Achan, believing some light pillaging to be harmless, did exactly that. As a result, God's blessing of protection on his people went "poof"...they valiantly took Jericho, a mighty force, but then tragically lost Ai to a bunch of men armed with homemade weapons and sticks! Turns out, they hadn't dealt with Achan. God revealed to Joshua that there was a thief among them and when they dealt with him, His blessing would return (GLFT, p. 51).
Thoughts of you and our decision to "bury" your adoption papers flooded my mind. It seemed harmless...logical, really...but the truth is, it reflects the same spirit of Achan: taking what belongs to God and keeping it for ourselves (GLFT, p. 54).
Just as He used the Israelites to take Jericho, He used us to bring you to America. And just as He tore down every obstacle for them, He alone did so for us. The victory was always His. You wouldn't be here without Him moving so many mountains. Your citizenship belongs to God alone and should have been devoted to Him from the beginning. To force justice, to hold on to what little tie we have left to you, we have completely fooled ourselves into believing we've been doing the right thing, storing that treasure away.
"They feel they can get away with 'breaking' a law, even a spiritual one, simply because they aren't caught doing it or because the law doesn't seem fair to them. But God has set in place immutable natural and spiritual laws; His response to a lawbreaker is not determined by the pathos of the incident or His sympathy for the person involved. His established laws apply equally to everyone and so must the consequences" (GLFT, p. 51).
While God can certainly empathize with our heartache, and understands the unjust cards we've been dealt, His response to our poor decision to rule from His throne and withhold His glory from you has undoubtedly been to our detriment.
"If you ever lose sight of the promise of God, you will be tempted, as Achan was, to grab the tangible now in lieu of the future promise" (GLFT, p. 63).
The hard truth is, I'm not just worried you'll abuse our personal information. I also haven't wanted to let go completely. I'm terrified that if you no longer need us, you'll never look back and decide someday that you want us. But, I have "to release what is in [my] hand if [I] want to receive the promise of God that is in [my] heart" (GLFT, p. 63). That promise from the very beginning of our journey together, to deliver you, is so much more important than my desire to be in your life.
The paperwork, your American citizenship, it's all yours, Lucy. I hope that once we get everything in order for you, you will finally be free not of us, but free to choose Jesus and us (no longer just faking it from time to time because we have something you want). Until then, I pray Dad, Josh, Isaac, and I finally find peace again under the safety and victory of His wings.
"The words and promises of the LORD are pure words, like silver refined in an earthen furnace, purified seven times. You, O LORD, will preserve and keep them...." (Psalm 12:6-7 AMP).
To God alone be the glory.
