I can't decide if I'm a glutton for punishment or if it really was the Holy Spirit Who led me to write you. This past year, we've had minimal communication mostly because the family needed the space to heal. We needed protection from the written arrows you tend to sling which seem to hit and splay open every wound every time. And, we needed quiet from the enemy's voice that taunts us into solely blaming ourselves for your pain. Even in the space, even now, I fear the decision to step back was selfish and wrong. You're hurting, too. You're hurting more deeply than we are, I'm sure, and have probably been hurt by many others whom you loved deeply in much more traumatizing ways. You don't need space; you need support.
The irony of that is, I'm not sure you're capable of receiving it.
Sure, you are more-than-comfortable with monetary support...with reaching out to us and to others asking for the superficial. But, crying out for what you really need? For what you actually crave? That requires a level of vulnerability that (I've come to believe) is even hidden from you under layers upon layers of hurt, anger, resentment, and bitterness.
Just a simple email to check on you resulted in more flying arrows, striking me where I've been most vulnerable. You used the opportunity to ask for your documents again, then attacked when I reminded you we couldn't help; that we had already sent you the only copies we had. Sweet instantly turned to sour: We "left [you] in the middle of nowhere without knowing English all by [yourself]." We "swear on God [we] will take care of [you] and look what [we've] done." "K and E always been part of [your] life and always have a special place in [your] heart because when [you] have rough times that's the only people who show up and help [you], who never left [you]." "The only bad choice [you've] made in [your] life, that make [your] life this hard is when [you] let [us] adopt you." You're "sick and tired of everything but [you're] still going through it by [yourself] and with the people who actually care."
I just want to scream, "WE DO CARE!!!! We care so freaking much that we continue to walk again and again into the line of fire to make sure you know that we do!!! YOU ran from US. YOU chose the middle of nowhere by yourself because YOU didn't want US! What could we have done to prove our love to you when YOU reject everything about US?! OVER AND OVER AGAIN?!"
Oh, Luda. We have only ever prayed for and asked for reconciliation. We offered counseling to you back then and the offer still stands now. We admitted our plethora of shortcomings and asked for your forgiveness. We have been to so much counseling ourselves to get well so we can be better for you. Whether it was the right decision, only God knows, but we've chosen not to help you financially only because you refuse the help you really need...we really need...to heal our family. The family who still considers you family! We just want to be more than a bank account you withdraw from. We don't want to be another little 's' savior getting in your way of finding THE Savior. We love you with a tough (yes) but FIERCE love that wants you to hit rock bottom only so you will finally look UP. We fight for your soul at the cost of your approval.
Here I am, reasoning with unreasonable again. <sigh>
This is no easy road, but I am praying in Jesus' Name for you to come to believe that there is no other road I would rather be on if it leads to an eternity in Heaven with our family restored. We all are simply doing the best we can, which is clearly insufficient. But our God is a God who rebuilds ancient ruins and restores places long devastated (Is. 61:4). And even if He doesn't restore us, may He restore you so you can finally drink of His Salvation <3
"'If you hold on to me for dear life,' says GOD,
'I'll get you out of any trouble.
I'll give you the best of care
if you'll only get to know and trust Me.
Call Me and I'll answer, be at your side in bad times;
I'll rescue you, then throw you a party.
I'll give you a long life,
give you a long drink of salvation!'"
-Psalm 91:14-17 (The Message)
I love you because He loved you first <3
Mom
The irony of that is, I'm not sure you're capable of receiving it.
Sure, you are more-than-comfortable with monetary support...with reaching out to us and to others asking for the superficial. But, crying out for what you really need? For what you actually crave? That requires a level of vulnerability that (I've come to believe) is even hidden from you under layers upon layers of hurt, anger, resentment, and bitterness.
Just a simple email to check on you resulted in more flying arrows, striking me where I've been most vulnerable. You used the opportunity to ask for your documents again, then attacked when I reminded you we couldn't help; that we had already sent you the only copies we had. Sweet instantly turned to sour: We "left [you] in the middle of nowhere without knowing English all by [yourself]." We "swear on God [we] will take care of [you] and look what [we've] done." "K and E always been part of [your] life and always have a special place in [your] heart because when [you] have rough times that's the only people who show up and help [you], who never left [you]." "The only bad choice [you've] made in [your] life, that make [your] life this hard is when [you] let [us] adopt you." You're "sick and tired of everything but [you're] still going through it by [yourself] and with the people who actually care."
I just want to scream, "WE DO CARE!!!! We care so freaking much that we continue to walk again and again into the line of fire to make sure you know that we do!!! YOU ran from US. YOU chose the middle of nowhere by yourself because YOU didn't want US! What could we have done to prove our love to you when YOU reject everything about US?! OVER AND OVER AGAIN?!"
Oh, Luda. We have only ever prayed for and asked for reconciliation. We offered counseling to you back then and the offer still stands now. We admitted our plethora of shortcomings and asked for your forgiveness. We have been to so much counseling ourselves to get well so we can be better for you. Whether it was the right decision, only God knows, but we've chosen not to help you financially only because you refuse the help you really need...we really need...to heal our family. The family who still considers you family! We just want to be more than a bank account you withdraw from. We don't want to be another little 's' savior getting in your way of finding THE Savior. We love you with a tough (yes) but FIERCE love that wants you to hit rock bottom only so you will finally look UP. We fight for your soul at the cost of your approval.
Here I am, reasoning with unreasonable again. <sigh>
This is no easy road, but I am praying in Jesus' Name for you to come to believe that there is no other road I would rather be on if it leads to an eternity in Heaven with our family restored. We all are simply doing the best we can, which is clearly insufficient. But our God is a God who rebuilds ancient ruins and restores places long devastated (Is. 61:4). And even if He doesn't restore us, may He restore you so you can finally drink of His Salvation <3
"'If you hold on to me for dear life,' says GOD,
'I'll get you out of any trouble.
I'll give you the best of care
if you'll only get to know and trust Me.
Call Me and I'll answer, be at your side in bad times;
I'll rescue you, then throw you a party.
I'll give you a long life,
give you a long drink of salvation!'"
-Psalm 91:14-17 (The Message)
I love you because He loved you first <3
Mom
