God is so cool. At the beginning of last month, you texted me and asked me for the address to this blog. I went to it to share the link with you and noticed that the day you asked was almost a year exactly from the day I wrote my last letter to you...from surrendering my Achan-like spirit and the last copy of your citizenship. And, only last month had I realized just all that God had done in response!
You were surprised that I haven't written anything for a year and rightfully so. There has never been a shortage of words to write when it came to our story. You were always on my mind and always a subject I was bringing before Him. And although you will forever be on my heart, the fact that I haven't been led to write since that moment of surrender directly reflects the peace I have finally found and have genuinely felt with His will...whatever that is regarding our relationship status with you.... Add to this: the fact that I even knew you were surprised is because you have been texting me and sharing your life with me and asking me about ours, which directly reflects the level of communication we had grown to have as a result of that peace!
In fact, for seven months now, you and I have been texting back and forth...sometimes almost daily, but almost always weekly <3 Sure, we're both a little guarded and we don't talk too deeply about much too often. Even still, in the past year I have had the opportunity to not only see more ways in which I have stumbled, but to share them directly with you and seek your forgiveness in real time, and to be asked by you to be forgiven for the mistakes you have made! I even got to see a video from your new home where you have pictures of our family set up and to hear about your new man and his awesome family who actually know about us and your story and who love Jesus and who (of course) also love you.
I have been over-the-moon believing that our season of restoration might be just around the corner!!
You can imagine, then, my complete deflation when I woke up to your text this morning:
"Noooooooo, God!!!!" That's all I could think. "Why now?! We were closer to healing than ever! Why can't she see the whole picture of each letter this time...the beautiful endings where I close with how you worked through that moment's painful emotions to bring me such hopeful truths and reminders of Your fierce love for her and for us? Why is she only reading judgement and blame and writing now as though we didn't want a better life for her or weren't trying to help her understand Your Word?"
Panic set in and clamor for control immediately re-commenced.
And God's Hand of blessing and protection was immediately revoked.
I am sorry I overstepped. I am sorry I involved your boyfriend and asked for him to help, to support you while you read all of the letters and to help you understand them! I write SO many words and I fear most of my heart is getting lost in Google translation. But that's just it isn't it:
fear isn't from the Lord (2 Tim. 1:7).
Sigh.
The enemy got the upper hand today.
BUT GOD.
God has restored my peace and reminded me that just as the Israelites' journey didn't end with their deliverance...when their enemies were drowned after they walked across the sea on dry land...neither has ours. God continued to provide richly for His people on the other side (granting them the opportunity to plunder the very people group that enslaved them!! Exodus 12:36).
And so He has continued to provide/is providing richly for us.
Satan isn't going to just "let you [or me] go easy...because [we're] valuable." And while we have each been delivered from the past in our own individual ways, that "freedom isn't [always] going to come with a good feeling...but by force, focus, and frequency" (Steven Furtick--see video included).
Today, I lost my focus on the force that is God (again) and it definitely hasn't been a good feeling.
Of course I hope that we can move past today and will always welcome restoration and the complete healing of our family. But, it was also made clear again to me tonight (through the same message posted below), that I need to "stop mourning what [God] has already rejected for my life" and "fill my horn with oil and be on my way...to stop judging [my] life based on what [I] can see and take that oil and that joy and...that strength that [I've] got left and...those lessons that [I've] learned" and empty myself out when HE directs me to--not when fear or selfish desire or even selfless intent are at the helm.
God has not rejected you. I have not rejected you. But perhaps God has rejected you for my life. Maybe K and E were always meant to be your family. Maybe their unintentional disobedience or misunderstanding of His will for them back then (or whatever happened that prevented them from adopting you when they had the chance), compounded by our own disobedience and misunderstanding, was the whole reason God led our family to adopt you. Maybe we really were only supposed to bring you to America because of His grace and a second chance for them and you...and growth for us.... He really has taught us SO much through our journey with you.
I guess we will never know this side of Heaven. But I do know this:
I'm done mourning.
I came through on dry land "drippin'" and am full of joy, Lucy. And I have been focused way too long on what we have been through and making that right that I have almost missed all that God has done for me on the other side!! No more. I agree that the past needs to be put to rest...for us both.
I am moving forward.
I am taking the strength I have left, and that joy, and the lessons I have learned, and will now pour them out on the people God does have for my life. His will and you alone will determine if you ever return as a part of it.
Thank you for this story.... I must now be on my way to write the next. I pray you will continue doing the same <3
Why Did I Go Through All of This? -Steven Furtick
