Diving Into the Deep Blue HE

³⁸ “You have heard that it was said, ‘An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.’ ³⁹ But I tell you not to oppose an evil person. If someone slaps you on your right cheek, turn your other cheek to him as well. ⁴⁰ If someone wants to sue you in order to take your shirt, let him have your coat too. ⁴¹ If someone forces you to go one mile, go two miles with him. ⁴² Give to everyone who asks you for something. Don’t turn anyone away who wants to borrow something from you.

⁴³ “You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor, and hate your enemy.’ ⁴⁴ But I tell you this: Love your enemies, and pray for those who persecute you. ⁴⁵ In this way you show that you are children of your Father in heaven. He makes his sun rise on people whether they are good or evil. He lets rain fall on them whether they are just or unjust. ⁴⁶ If you love those who love you, do you deserve a reward? Even the tax collectors do that! ⁴⁷ Are you doing anything remarkable if you welcome only your friends? Everyone does that! ⁴⁸ That is why you must be perfect as your Father in heaven is perfect." -Matthew 5:38-48 (GWT)

I was so mad at Dad this week. **Note: Dad approves this message**  We had scheduled time for a getaway...just the two of us....  A getaway that was MUCH needed in healing from all of the wounds our marriage alone incurred from these previous weeks.  I made all of the arrangements for you kids and the dog; he was to arrange the hotel.  Normally, I would leave every detail up to him to surpise me--the romantic in me craves this and God knew I was desperate for some romance.  But I understood how weary we've both been from all of the warfare, so I obliged when he asked me what I wanted to do: hotel near Zilker Park in Austin.  No planned activities, just easy access to them to partake in if/when we felt like it.  Easy peezy lemon squeezy.

That was last week.

The night before we were scheduled to leave, all signs pointed to no hotel booked.  My first clue?  While lying in bed about to go to sleep, he's surfing the Internet on his phone asking where I wanted to stay...San Antonio?  I calmly reiterated, "I think Austin is more relaxing.  I love it there.  There's a beautiful hotel down by Zilker Park that I've been hearing about.  I think it's a Hyatt. That would give us access to anything and everything we could want while we're there." Then, after much balking over the prices of hotels (not the one or any near Zilker Park mind you), Dad asks, "Do you like those hotels with the aboreums??" To which I remain calm and reply, "You mean a Double Tree?" 

I adore this man.  He has loved me and been patient with me like no other.  However, in that moment it was clear that 1) No hotel was booked; 2) My voice spurs on an allergic reaction that affects Dad's ears, causing blockage to his hearing; and 3) The mention of an above-average hotel chain makes suspected reaction worse.

I proceeded to pull out my own phone and search the hotel I had mentioned.  "Here, Babe.  This is the one I heard about.  It looks super nice...what do you think?" Babe puts his phone down, shuts off light, and rolls over as he sighs exasperatedly, "If that's the hotel you want, fine.  I don't need to see it.  Just go ahead and book it."

?!  I was so hurt.  Wasn't he excited about our upcoming trip?  How come he didn't book something already? And why was he so frustrated with me?? I knew the hotel was a bit more pricey than our usual, but this wasn't meant to be a "usual" getaway.  After much more heated discussion, the truth came out: he wasn't excited because it's wasn't something he really wanted to do (go to a fancy hotel in Austin); he'd be spending a lot of money and felt he would get nothing in return.  

I felt a mixture of guilt and resentment. Trips have never been his thing.  They've always been mine.  I knew that.  I also knew how greatly I've failed to speak his love language lately.  But just weeks ago, he was all for getting me out of town because he thought I needed it.  Couldn't he still find joy in my joy?  Wasn't that enough?  Does there always have to be something in it for him to show me love?

That's when God hit me upside the head with my own questions.

Could I find joy in His joy?  Wasn't that enough?  Does there always have to be something in it for me to show Him love?  Can I do what He's asked me to do simply because He asked me to do it and it would speak volumes of my great love for Him...even if nothing comes of it that benefits me??  

The questions only got harder...

Will I love you, even if I'm faced with more persecution and manipulation...even if you never choose God's plan for you in the end?  Would the fact that it pleased Him alone be enough to satisfy me?

<sigh of shame> I'm so convicted.  I haven't been loving you with a sacrificial love.  Even though I've been writing and saying that I will love you no matter what, I've been carrying around this promise that your heart will be changed...that we will gain your whole heart in the end.  That's loving you with conditions.  And I've been following God with conditions :(

Praise Him!!  He's been so gracious to take me deeper into the depths of His own heart.  He could have thrown up His Hands and given up all hope when I had the audacity to cry to Him about my heartbreak.  Instead, He used it to share His <3

Are we doing anything remarkable by loving you as a means to some end? If I want to become more like Jesus, and I so do, than I need to be willing to love like He loves: freely.  No agenda.  No conditions.  Often, no reciprocation.  Love for love's sake. 

It was a sombering realization...that you may never arrive at a place in yourself where you can fully receive His Love or ours....  But He makes His sun shine on people whether they are good or evil.  He lets rain fall on them whether they are just or unjust.  God's Love is for all and in all.  Who am I to love you any other way?

"Even if the fig tree does not bloom and the vines have no grapes, even if the olive tree fails to produce and the fields yield no food, even if the sheep pen is empty and the stalls have no cattle--even then, I will be happy with the LORD.  I will truly find joy in God, Who saves me. 

The LORD Almighty is my strength." (Hab. 17-19a).

Entering His Rest

Even now, amidst the trials and tribulations, I am so grateful for you, Sweet Girl.  It has been quite the arduous task for Him lately, but God has again been faithful to draw me even closer to Him still through all of this praying and fighting for you. As Daniel faced, we face: "a great war"..."mourning and fasting for 3 weeks"...but also victory over the enemy whose opposition only seems to grow stronger (see Daniel 10-11). 
Day One on my knees, committed to hearing from the Lord and the Lord only, and He says:

"The Lord will extend your powerful scepter from Zion.
    Rule your enemies who surround you....

The Lord has taken an oath and will not change his mind:
    “You are a priest forever, in the way Melchizedek was a priest.”

The Lord is at your right side.
    He will crush kings on the day of his anger.
    He will pass judgment on the nations
        and fill them with dead bodies.
            Throughout the earth he will crush their heads.
    He will drink from the brook along the road.
    He will hold his head high." Ps.110 (GWT)

"Hallelujah!

I will give thanks to the Lord with all my heart
    in the company of decent people and in the congregation.
 The Lord’s deeds are spectacular.
    They should be studied by all who enjoy them.
His work is glorious and majestic.
His righteousness continues forever.

He has made his miracles unforgettable.
    The Lord is merciful and compassionate.
He provides food for those who fear him.
He always remembers his promise.
He has revealed the power of his works to his people
    by giving them the lands of other nations as an inheritance.
 His works are done with truth and justice.
    All his guiding principles are trustworthy.
        They last forever and ever.
        They are carried out with truth and decency.
He has sent salvation to his people.
He has ordered that his promise should continue forever.
    His name is holy and terrifying.
The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom.
Good sense is shown by everyone who follows God’s guiding principles.
His praise continues forever." Ps. 111 (GWT)

"Hallelujah!

Blessed is the person who fears the Lord
    and is happy to obey his commands.
        His descendants will grow strong on the earth.
        The family of a decent person will be blessed.
            Wealth and riches will be in his home.
            His righteousness continues forever.
               Light will shine in the dark for a decent person.
                    He is merciful, compassionate, and fair.

All goes well for the person who is generous and lends willingly.
    He earns an honest living.
        He will never fail.
        A righteous person will always be remembered.
            He is not afraid of bad news.
            His heart remains secure, full of confidence in the Lord.
            His heart is steady, and he is not afraid.
                In the end he will look triumphantly at his enemies.
            He gives freely to poor people.
            His righteousness continues forever.
            His head is raised in honor.
                The wicked person sees this and becomes angry.
                He angrily grits his teeth and disappears.
                    The hope that wicked people have will vanish." Ps. 112 (GWT)

Indeed, victory is already His!! K.P. Yohannan's booklet, The Lord's Work Done in The Lord's Way, uncomfortably challenged my motives in this ministry He's given us, however.  It forced me to ask myself gut-checking questions: am I fighting for you to get results or to glorify God?  What if results never come?  What if you exercise your free will and never choose to wholly surrender to this incredible plan He has for you? Would I be content serving you and suffering this heartache as solely a love-offering to Him? 

Certainly, I began this mission in obedience to His call and with the purest desire to glorify Him and love you no matter what. And the whole journey felt effortless then.  There were plenty of "speedbumps" in the path set before us...but we were confident that God was driving, so they never felt overwhelming for long, if at all.  

Something has undoubtedly shifted.

I've been struggling.  I've been emotionally torn apart and worn with worry.  I confess that I've grown increasingly more and more presumptious, "running ahead with our own plans and in our own understanding, never taking the time to hear what He desires or to find out His ways" (Yohannan, p.38). I've been so focused on meeting the immediate needs of every situation we've been faced with, looking for others' voices to help guide our course, than I have been seeking to know and please the One Who appointed this task to us in the first place (p.33).  I strayed dangerously off course.  And it all began when I neglected to come into His presence and sit at His feet (p.17).

I am saying kind words to you.  I've been writing kind words for you.  But in my heart, I've been so angry...so frustrated.  I've been doing what God asked me to do, trying everything I know how to be successful in reaching your heart...but to no avail.  We've seen little to no results.  In fact, I'd almost venture to say things have moved backwards.  This isn't of any fault of yours...Dad and I have been failing because these efforts were of our flesh.  And, more imperatively, our focus hasn't been rooted where it's supposed to be: in pleasing, loving, and glorifying God.  Not in the hope that you would be pleased with and come to love and glorify us. 
 

"When our ministry to the people around us is done as a ministry unto the Lord--doing His work in His way--there will be no striving" (p.43). 

I apologized to Jesus, and I am now apologizing to you.  I've been operating within our limited understanding.  I've been fearful of what others might think or the damage you might do if we did nothing in response to some of your most hurtful behaviors. And somehow, somewhere along the line, I started equating waiting upon God with doing nothing.  When in reality, "it seems the more we take the time to wait and hear from the Lord, the more actual work that we do--but rather in His strength, not ours" (p.20).  

Because this war is against spiritual forces, only the Sword of His Spirit is useful.  Because victory is already His, only He knows how to win your heart.  And because the work is not dependent on my plans or my efforts, I am simply going to allow the Lord to live through me. I hereby enter His rest <3

I love you, Lucy. 

And I love you, Jesus.  Great is Thy faithfulness!