38 “You have heard that it was said, ‘An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.’ 39 But I tell you not to oppose an evil person. If someone slaps you on your right cheek, turn your other cheek to him as well. 40 If someone wants to sue you in order to take your shirt, let him have your coat too. 41 If someone forces you to go one mile, go two miles with him. 42 Give to everyone who asks you for something. Don’t turn anyone away who wants to borrow something from you.
43 “You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor, and hate your enemy.’ 44 But I tell you this: Love your enemies, and pray for those who persecute you. 45 In
this way you show that you are children of your Father in heaven. He
makes his sun rise on people whether they are good or evil. He lets rain
fall on them whether they are just or unjust. 46 If you love those who love you, do you deserve a reward? Even the tax collectors do that! 47 Are you doing anything remarkable if you welcome only your friends? Everyone does that! 48 That is why you must be perfect as your Father in heaven is perfect." -Matthew 5:38-48 (GWT)
I was so mad at Dad this week. **Note: Dad approves this message** We had scheduled time for a getaway...just the two of us.... A getaway that was MUCH needed in healing from all of the wounds our marriage alone incurred from these previous weeks. I made all of the arrangements for you kids and the dog; he was to arrange the hotel. Normally, I would leave every detail up to him to surpise me--the romantic in me craves this and God knew I was desperate for some romance. But I understood how weary we've both been from all of the warfare, so I obliged when he asked me what I wanted to do: hotel near Zilker Park in Austin. No planned activities, just easy access to them to partake in if/when we felt like it. Easy peezy lemon squeezy.
That was last week.
The night before we were scheduled to leave, all signs pointed to no hotel booked. My first clue? While lying in bed about to go to sleep, he's surfing the Internet on his phone asking where I wanted to stay...San Antonio? I calmly reiterated, "I think Austin is more relaxing. I love it there. There's a beautiful hotel down by Zilker Park that I've been hearing about. I think it's a Hyatt. That would give us access to anything and everything we could want while we're there." Then, after much balking over the prices of hotels (not the one or any near Zilker Park mind you), Dad asks, "Do you like those hotels with the aboreums??" To which I remain calm and reply, "You mean a Double Tree?"
I adore this man. He has loved me and been patient with me like no other. However, in that moment it was clear that 1) No hotel was booked; 2) My voice spurs on an allergic reaction that affects Dad's ears, causing blockage to his hearing; and 3) The mention of an above-average hotel chain makes suspected reaction worse.
I proceeded to pull out my own phone and search the hotel I had mentioned. "Here, Babe. This is the one I heard about. It looks super nice...what do you think?" Babe puts his phone down, shuts off light, and rolls over as he sighs exasperatedly, "If that's the hotel you want, fine. I don't need to see it. Just go ahead and book it."
?! I was so hurt. Wasn't he excited about our upcoming trip? How come he didn't book something already? And why was he so frustrated with me?? I knew the hotel was a bit more pricey than our usual, but this wasn't meant to be a "usual" getaway. After much more heated discussion, the truth came out: he wasn't excited because it's wasn't something he really wanted to do (go to a fancy hotel in Austin); he'd be spending a lot of money and felt he would get nothing in return.
I felt a mixture of guilt and resentment. Trips have never been his thing. They've always been mine. I knew that. I also knew how greatly I've failed to speak his love language lately. But just weeks ago, he was all for getting me out of town because he thought I needed it. Couldn't he still find joy in my joy? Wasn't that enough? Does there always have to be something in it for him to show me love?
That's when God hit me upside the head with my own questions.
Could I find joy in His joy? Wasn't that enough? Does there always have to be something in it for me to show Him love? Can I do what He's asked me to do simply because He asked me to do it and it would speak volumes of my great love for Him...even if nothing comes of it that benefits me??
The questions only got harder...
Will I love you, even if I'm faced with more persecution and manipulation...even if you never choose God's plan for you in the end? Would the fact that it pleased Him alone be enough to satisfy me?
<sigh of shame> I'm so convicted. I haven't been loving you with a sacrificial love. Even though I've been writing and saying that I will love you no matter what, I've been carrying around this promise that your heart will be changed...that we will gain your whole heart in the end. That's loving you with conditions. And I've been following God with conditions :(
Praise Him!! He's been so gracious to take me deeper into the depths of His own heart. He could have thrown up His Hands and given up all hope when I had the audacity to cry to Him about my heartbreak. Instead, He used it to share His <3
Are we doing anything remarkable by loving you as a means to some end? If I want to become more like Jesus, and I so do, than I need to be willing to love like He loves: freely. No agenda. No conditions. Often, no reciprocation. Love for love's sake.
It was a sombering realization...that you may never arrive at a place in yourself where you can fully receive His Love or ours.... But He makes His sun shine on people whether they are good or evil. He lets rain fall on them whether they are just or unjust. God's Love is for all and in all. Who am I to love you any other way?
"Even if the fig tree does not bloom and the vines have no grapes, even if the olive tree fails to produce and the fields yield no food, even if the sheep pen is empty and the stalls have no cattle--even then, I will be happy with the LORD. I will truly find joy in God, Who saves me.
The LORD Almighty is my strength." (Hab. 17-19a).
