Deep Waters

This morning, as I was reading through Luke, Jesus' interaction with Simon jumped right off the page at me:

So Jesus got into the boat that belonged to Simon and asked him to push off a little from the shore.  ...he told Simon, "Take the boat into deep water, and lower your nets to catch some fish."...After the men had done this, they caught such a large number of fish that their nets began to tear. So they signaled to their partners in the other boat to come and help them.  Their partners came and filled both boats until the boats nearly sank.  When Simon Peter saw this, he knelt in front of Jesus and said, "Leave me, Lord!  I'm a sinful person! ...Jesus told Simon, "Don't be afraid.  From now on you will catch people instead of fish." (Luke 5:3-10)

What a beautiful metaphor this interaction is for the work He still does in us.  When I surrendered my life to God's Sovereignty, His Holy Spirit got into my boat.  He asked me to push off a little from the shore, challenging me in small ways at first.  But it has been those moments He's taken my faith into deep waters that I've experienced the greatest victories  <3  And, like Peter, these overwhelming experiences have brought me to my knees.  I'm always amazed, but humbled that He would...that He could...use a disaster like me for anything important.

I always joke, "His power is made perfect in our weakness.  And I am the weakest!"  Yet, I really have no other explanation for why Jesus keeps thinking that this boat can handle deep waters!!   Throughout the rest of Chapter 5, however, He's found touching (literally) the untouchable (v.12-16), freeing a paralyzed man bound physically and spiritually (v.17-26), openly dining and partnering with society's most sinful (v. 27-32), and calling the religious "elite" on their crap/crystallized thinking (vv. 33-39).

Jesus obviously likes for us to expect the unexpected.  More story for His Glory  ;)

I have spent much of our first months together in fear.  God has performed MIGHTY miracles in your heart and ours, but frankly...it still completely freaks me out that He's called me to this.  I've spent the last two weeks crying out for Him to leave me...to give up on this lost cause that is myself...but His MO is clearly rising to the occasion on behalf of all lost causes.  He has.  And He will continue to.  In my life and in yours.

I pray, Sweet Girl, that you never feel that you're not enough to brave anything He has planned for you.  Take it from your crazy, absent-minded, moody Mama...Jesus is plenty.

I love you <3

True North

When Josh was born, I went to a dark place.  For weeks, I struggled with self-deprecating thoughts and despair.  Where was the joy that all the other moms raved about?  Why was I overwhelmed with dread and anxiety??  I was convinced for a time that I was the worst thing for him because I felt this way--that I didn't deserve him.  I was ashamed and embarrassed.

It's been two months since you returned from Alabama.  And in those two months, you have proved that something inside you has changed.  Whether it be merely your perspective or heart or both (or the changing of ours), you have made a valiant effort to show us appreciation and love.  You think of us daily, helping around the house wherever its needed without us ever asking.  You leave me little love notes around the house to find when I wake up.  You've been sharing more of your day-to-day with us, even when it's about boys you're crushing on.  You've been so respectful of our budget, hesitating to ask for anything extra and always grateful when we do something special for you.  Thank you.  Thank Jesus!!  Unquestionably, a miracle has been performed in your heart!!!

Now, I'm praying for another in mine.

It's nothing you have done or are doing or that you're not doing.  Clearly, you've been meeting us in the middle...even further really!!  And I am so proud of you!!  Yet, this dark cloud hangs over me.  Up until now, adjusting to the adoption has been so chaotic and crazy and more about survival than anything else.  But now that things have settled and we're finding a new normal, I've been sinking emotionally.  Those same self-deprecating thoughts and anxious feelings of dread and despair that I experienced after Joshua's birth have creeped their way back in, seemingly paralyzing any and all growth in me.  Post-adoption depression, I suppose.  Many days, I'm convinced I am the worst thing for you now.  I don't feel I deserve this task God has blessed us with.  I am admittedly so ashamed and so embarrassed of my feelings.  After all, I asked for this!  I prodded your dad relentlessly and prayed without ceasing for the opportunity to adopt! So many people have bent over backwards on your behalf and ours to make all of this happen--what would they think of me?!

A few days ago, I was reading in Mark 10 when verses 35-38 totally helped iron all of this out:

35 James and John, sons of Zebedee, went to Jesus. They said to him, “Teacher, we want you to do us a favor.”

36 “What do you want me to do for you?” he asked them.

37 They said to him, “Let one of us sit at your right and the other at your left in your glory.”

38 Jesus said, “You don’t realize what you’re asking. Can you drink the cup that I’m going to drink?..."

Jesus reminded me through this that, like the disciples, I did eagerly ask for this.  And more specifically, I asked to experience more of and be used for His Glory through the whole process.  

...I just did so without fully realizing what I was asking for.  

So now, like James and John, I'm getting to drink from the cup He drank so to speak.  And it truly is an honor.  I have been so floored by God's showing up and showing out throughout this journey.  I know how amazing it feels now to have the Light of His Face shine down on me!!!  But never have I experienced such a dying to myself than I have since adopting you either.  There is rarely a moment when I'm not recognizing just how selfish I am or how much grace I require as Jesus asks it of me for you.  It certainly isn't easy.  There are those moments of abundant reward, but they're regularly followed by trials, tribulation, and persecution (as we are warned in Mark 10:30). Often at your hands and/or those closest to us.  

The mountaintop moments are of Mt. Everest heights and the valleys are equally as low.  This all has, indeed, been a most incredible paradox: a unique intermingling of joy and suffering that is unlike anything else.  No wonder it's been really hard for me to get my bearings!!  

Mark 14:12-17 reads:

Killing the Passover lamb was customary on the first day of the Festival of Unleavened Bread. The disciples asked Jesus, “Where do you want us to prepare the Passover meal for you?” He sent two of his disciples and told them, “Go into the city. You will meet a man carrying a jug of water. Follow him. When he goes into a house, tell the owner that the teacher asks, ‘Where is my room where I can eat the Passover meal with my disciples?’ He will take you upstairs and show you a large room. The room will be completely furnished. Get everything ready for us there.” The disciples left. They went into the city and found everything as Jesus had told them. So they prepared the Passover. When evening came, Jesus arrived with the twelve apostles.

A seemingly plain part of a grander story that I've read and heard so many times I almost drown it out, but today God used it to wrap up His lesson for me.  When we're doing His will, when we're asking Him what He wants, He goes before us and prepares the way, making sure we're fully equipped for the place He's bringing us to <3  I may be spinning all over the place right now, but He has been and will always be my True North.  

He will always point me back in the right direction.

I guess I need to circle around this tree a few more times (or wander in a desert for 40 years) before I'll finally get it through my thick skull that it's 100% safe to believe He will do what He says He can.  Whatever happens, this plane clearly ain't going down just because she lost visual.  

I know. Some people's moms.  ;)

I love you, Loo.    

Weeds and Mustard Seeds

Sadly, you continue to make choices that go against the very nature God gave you when you chose Him.  It is SO frustrating, to say the least.  It's been difficult for us not to dwell on these choices and grow bitter.  But, as always, Jesus speaks :) Matthew 13:24-43:

A Story about Weeds in the Wheat

24 Jesus used another illustration. He said, “The kingdom of heaven is like a man who planted good seed in his field. 25 But while people were asleep, his enemy planted weeds in the wheat field and went away. 26 When the wheat came up and formed kernels, weeds appeared.

27 “The owner’s workers came to him and asked, ‘Sir, didn’t you plant good seed in your field? Where did the weeds come from?’

28 “He told them, ‘An enemy did this.’

“His workers asked him, ‘Do you want us to pull out the weeds?’

29 “He replied, ‘No. If you pull out the weeds, you may pull out the wheat with them. 30 Let both grow together until the harvest. When the grain is cut, I will tell the workers to gather the weeds first and tie them in bundles to be burned. But I’ll have them bring the wheat into my barn.’”

Stories about a Mustard Seed and Yeast

31 Jesus used another illustration. He said, “The kingdom of heaven is like a mustard seed that someone planted in a field. 32 It’s one of the smallest seeds. However, when it has grown, it is taller than the garden plants. It becomes a tree that is large enough for birds to nest in its branches.”

33 He used another illustration. “The kingdom of heaven is like yeast that a woman mixed into a large amount of flour until the yeast worked its way through all the dough.”

34 Jesus used illustrations to tell the crowds all these things. He did not tell them anything without illustrating it with a story. 35 So what the prophet had said came true:

“I will open my mouth to illustrate points.
I will tell what has been hidden since the world was made.”

The Meaning of the Weeds in the Wheat

36 When Jesus had sent the people away, he went into the house. His disciples came to him and said, “Explain what the illustration of the weeds in the field means.”

37 He answered, “The one who plants the good seeds is the Son of Man. 38 The field is the world. The good seeds are those who belong to the kingdom. The weeds are those who belong to the evil one. 39 The enemy who planted them is the devil. The harvest is the end of the world. The workers are angels. 40 Just as weeds are gathered and burned, so it will be at the end of time. 41 The Son of Man will send his angels. They will gather everything in his kingdom that causes people to sin and everyone who does evil. 42 The angels will throw them into a blazing furnace. People will cry and be in extreme pain there. 43 Then the people who have God’s approval will shine like the sun in their Father’s kingdom. Let the person who has ears listen!

I won't mince words. One moment you are amazingly thoughtful, helpful, kind, silly, and affectionate, and the next you are cold, manipulative, hurtful, thoughtless, and almost cruel.  We have been at a complete loss.  Like the owner's workers (v.27), I've been asking God, "Where on earth do these hurtful behaviors ("weeds") keep coming from?" We have no clue how best to love and support your growth in Him, especially when you cycle through these moods so rapidly! 

Praise God that He does <3

He showed me a few truths through the above chapter in Matthew.  The "weeds", the poor choices and hurtful behaviors, are undoubtedly from the enemy.  And although they may continue to grow, so will Jesus' "wheat".  Indeed, the fruits of His Holy Spirit in you are difficult to see right now, but just as the mustard seed grew taller than the garden plants (v.32) so He will grow in You: taller than the weeds.  

I witnessed a miracle in you at summer camp.  Satan wants me to doubt it.  He wants me to question the reality of your salvation.  But I know what I know and your Father in Heaven knows it, too.  You are His, Lucy.  And He is working His Kingdom purposes and plans into your heart like yeast in a large amount of dough (v.33).  He isn't asking us to react or respond to your choices, He's been asking us over and over to surrender...to be patient...to trust that changes did take place and are continuing to...to remain at rest and celebrate the girl you are going to be when those changes move from the inside out.

You have come from a country where God is dead.  For 16 years, you were shaped and formed by a culture whose morality was based on the deceitful hearts of men and the wicked desires of the flesh.  Material wealth equaled success, sex and marriage were never anything sacred, and individual happiness superseded that of the general welfare.  This was a mold contrary to that God had in mind for you, and yet it feels more comfortable than anything else.  Our intentions to guide you forward in life are foreign but pure, Sweet Girl.... But of course you're freaking out! It's all so new.  

I will be praying for grace and patience.  We certainly don't want to push you too far too fast and become a stumbling block on your journey to Jesus.  It's surely an exciting one ;)

Much Love,

Mama