It's been two months since you returned from Alabama. And in those two months, you have proved that something inside you has changed. Whether it be merely your perspective or heart or both (or the changing of ours), you have made a valiant effort to show us appreciation and love. You think of us daily, helping around the house wherever its needed without us ever asking. You leave me little love notes around the house to find when I wake up. You've been sharing more of your day-to-day with us, even when it's about boys you're crushing on. You've been so respectful of our budget, hesitating to ask for anything extra and always grateful when we do something special for you. Thank you. Thank Jesus!! Unquestionably, a miracle has been performed in your heart!!!
Now, I'm praying for another in mine.
It's nothing you have done or are doing or that you're not doing. Clearly, you've been meeting us in the middle...even further really!! And I am so proud of you!! Yet, this dark cloud hangs over me. Up until now, adjusting to the adoption has been so chaotic and crazy and more about survival than anything else. But now that things have settled and we're finding a new normal, I've been sinking emotionally. Those same self-deprecating thoughts and anxious feelings of dread and despair that I experienced after Joshua's birth have creeped their way back in, seemingly paralyzing any and all growth in me. Post-adoption depression, I suppose. Many days, I'm convinced I am the worst thing for you now. I don't feel I deserve this task God has blessed us with. I am admittedly so ashamed and so embarrassed of my feelings. After all, I asked for this! I prodded your dad relentlessly and prayed without ceasing for the opportunity to adopt! So many people have bent over backwards on your behalf and ours to make all of this happen--what would they think of me?!
A few days ago, I was reading in Mark 10 when verses 35-38 totally helped iron all of this out:
35 James and John, sons of Zebedee, went to Jesus. They said to him, “Teacher, we want you to do us a favor.”
36 “What do you want me to do for you?” he asked them.
37 They said to him, “Let one of us sit at your right and the other at your left in your glory.”
38 Jesus said, “You don’t realize what you’re asking. Can you drink the cup that I’m going to drink?..."Jesus reminded me through this that, like the disciples, I did eagerly ask for this. And more specifically, I asked to experience more of and be used for His Glory through the whole process.
...I just did so without fully realizing what I was asking for.
So now, like James and John, I'm getting to drink from the cup He drank so to speak. And it truly is an honor. I have been so floored by God's showing up and showing out throughout this journey. I know how amazing it feels now to have the Light of His Face shine down on me!!! But never have I experienced such a dying to myself than I have since adopting you either. There is rarely a moment when I'm not recognizing just how selfish I am or how much grace I require as Jesus asks it of me for you. It certainly isn't easy. There are those moments of abundant reward, but they're regularly followed by trials, tribulation, and persecution (as we are warned in Mark 10:30). Often at your hands and/or those closest to us.
The mountaintop moments are of Mt. Everest heights and the valleys are equally as low. This all has, indeed, been a most incredible paradox: a unique intermingling of joy and suffering that is unlike anything else. No wonder it's been really hard for me to get my bearings!!
Mark 14:12-17 reads:
Killing the Passover lamb was customary on the first day of the Festival of Unleavened Bread. The disciples asked Jesus, “Where do you want us to prepare the Passover meal for you?” He sent two of his disciples and told them, “Go into the city. You will meet a man carrying a jug of water. Follow him. When he goes into a house, tell the owner that the teacher asks, ‘Where is my room where I can eat the Passover meal with my disciples?’ He will take you upstairs and show you a large room. The room will be completely furnished. Get everything ready for us there.” The disciples left. They went into the city and found everything as Jesus had told them. So they prepared the Passover. When evening came, Jesus arrived with the twelve apostles.
A seemingly plain part of a grander story that I've read and heard so many times I almost drown it out, but today God used it to wrap up His lesson for me. When we're doing His will, when we're asking Him what He wants, He goes before us and prepares the way, making sure we're fully equipped for the place He's bringing us to <3 I may be spinning all over the place right now, but He has been and will always be my True North.
He will always point me back in the right direction.
I guess I need to circle around this tree a few more times (or wander in a desert for 40 years) before I'll finally get it through my thick skull that it's 100% safe to believe He will do what He says He can. Whatever happens, this plane clearly ain't going down just because she lost visual.
I know. Some people's moms. ;)
I love you, Loo.
