At the Edge of Bethesda

Lie after lie continues to unravel. I think you forget that we live in a small town. A small town where people know people who know people and who talk about such people's kids to that kid's people. I can't decide yet if this is an advantage or disadvantage, as I'm almost at that point where I don't always want to know everything you're up to. But I trust that, in the end, God is using all of these revelations to our great advantage. After all, everyone's dirt has to rise to the surface before it can be washed away....

I'm admittedly baffled though. You go to school and you come home. There's nothing in between (other than riding the bus). And I'm here to welcome you in the afternoons, so I'm certain that's all. ...I mean, when could you possibly make any trouble? We're always encouraging you to invite friends over or to arrange a group to meet at the movies or the bowling alley, yet you always turn your nose up at these ideas insisting that you're fine at home doing nothing with us (even when it's obvious you're painfully bored and complaining of being so). ...I know the friends are real because I've seen all of the cute selfies you've taken together. They seem like awesome friends, too! And you often claim now that we're an awesome family...so why on God's green earth would you choose to suffer boredom before allowing us to be even slightly involved in that part of your life. ?!

Now, it's clear why.

You have spun a tangled web of stories that I'm sure you can't even keep up with. Stories that benefit only you, even if they cast an ugly light...or a completely false light on your honestly beautiful reality. You say you have a boyfriend, when you don't. That you're sleeping with him, when you're not. You brag about having things we don't actually own. You tell people we're going to amazing places we're not going to. You tell us that you needed over $100 of soccer-related gear to practice for soccer auditions, that you never went to (but you still made up quite the tale about how badly tryouts went, complete with funny things that happened to the other girls playing). It's a cray-cray compulsion!!

Our minds are always spinning wondering what we should do to affect a real change...how do we deal with this...are we wrong for being angry....is it humanly possible not to be angry at this?? Yesterday morning, God was again faithful to douse the flames of our frustration with this behavior through Psalm 5. He is not a God Who takes pleasure in wickedness, Lucy. Evil will never be His guest. We can't do anything but lay our needs at His feet every morning and wait. Although nothing that comes from your mouth right now seems to be truthful and destruction bubbles out of your heart...despite how incredibly flattering you've been to us on the surface...your own schemes will be your downfall, Sweet girl.

...If you don't stop....

John 5 refers to a man that had been sick for 38 years. 38 years (!!) of just lying under a porch near a pool (that brings healing), held back by excuses and blaming others for his persisting condition. It's no wonder Jesus asked the question, "Would you like to get well?" It seems the answer would be obvious for a man that was paralyzed for so long, but this man had seemingly grown content with being a victim. Jesus, in His great mercy, healed the undeserving man anyway...but how did the man repay him? By returning to his old bad habit of blaming others by implicating Jesus when the Pharisees were being ridiculous themselves!! ...Even after Jesus warned him saying, "You're well now.  Stop sinning so something worse doesn't happen to you."

Like the paralyzed man, Lucy, you've been broken for many years...a victim of your unfortunate past. You've become accustomed to hiding behind the excuse of it all--your Mom and Dad and Grandma's death that left you orphaned--your foster parents who were awful to you and returned you--your brothers and sister because they moved on in life without you. You even believe your own contrived thoughts, however misled you might be, blaming your American host parents for not choosing you--Ilona for ruining your reputation--us for not making you feel like part of a family.... You're doing your best to act otherwise, but we see through it all. You have unquestionably faced more than you should have, Precious One. And of course you would be deeply hurt and affected by all of it! But, would you like to get well? Or are you content in your condition?? Because the truth is, that Jesus, in His great mercy towards you, already made you well when you chose Him, Daughter! God is no longer disgusted with you, as you have been made perfect and blameless in His sight <3 You are beautiful in ours, too. It's solely your decisions that continue on as if nothing has changed when everything has that's so hard for us to swallow.

Man. How God must feel watching all of us do the very same...<convicted>

Like Jesus exemplified, we will continue to do our best to warn you...to encourage you to turn back whenever we can...to pray that you'll jump into the "pool" instead of toeing the water...but the choice is still 100% yours. Will you continue to act as though you're still "paralyzed"? Or will you check your pride at the door, start taking responsibility for your actions, and truly surrender all to Him? There is no one that's going to answer for you before Him in the end but you, Lucy. In the meantime, Dad and I will take refuge in Jesus and go ahead of His answers with praise, as we pray for more of those moments when you triumph in Him.

They will happen because He loves you, Lucy.
And we do, too <3

Turning Tables

     We took another dive on this rollercoaster relationship ride.  And our first reaction is always a bad one.  If someone took our picture right at the "drop", they might capture Dad throwing something and me pulling out my hair.  Or, Dad buying you an airplane ticket and me arranging our own escape.  Not really, but you get the gist.  It's a blessed process shaping you...but a super frustrating one that requires SO much shaping of ourselves.
     There's this decorative red lantern in your and your brothers' bathroom.  I don't know what it represents to you or what memory it triggers, but when you arrived here you took issue with it...an issue you'd never admit to when I would confront you about it.  Yet, I would find it hidden up high on a bookshelf in the playroom, then hidden out of sight above the medicine cabinet in the bathroom.  Whenever I would put it back, I would find it moved again somewhere new and concealed.  After your major heart shift in August and your decision for Jesus, however, this strange behavior just stopped...completely out of the blue.  The lantern has gone three months unmoved, basking in its decorative role.
Until last week, when I found it missing once again and retrieved it from under the sink.
So weird. <"drop" photo face: bewildered>
I immediately flashed back to the mess of our relationship B.C. (Before your decision for Christ).  Dread overwhelmed me.  I somehow knew in my gut that this declared another spiritual war.  I prayed over the lantern and your room and every other room in our home loudly.  I asked for God to shed light on the darkness threatening you.  And I warned Dad that the red flags were back up.
God wasted no time delivering a clue.  Last week, our "spy" app revealed several inappropriate deleted texts on your phone, inappropriate pictures, a secret email account that you had somehow set up for yourself (even though internet and most apps were disabled), attempted calls to an unknown number in Ukraine, among other things that crossed every line we drew when we showed grace and gave you a second chance to be trusted this past fall.
     Our hearts sunk and our frustration flared.  You've been so wonderful at home: helpful, considerate, thoughtful, and generous.  Sure, there were little things here and there (missing money, white lies, and boy-crazy giggles--typical teenager stuff), but nothing to indicate the grand scale of deception that was really going on behind the scenes.  It hurt.  Not your choices so much, as we expect a learning curve (People don't magically change overnight just because they became a Christian), but your decision to take advantage of our grace and outright abuse it while having a smile on your face the whole time.  It's crazy.  Literally.  It makes us question everything...what's real Lucy and what's not?  Does Lucy have a conscience?
     And, of course, when Dad confronted you about it all (calmly, with love and concern) you took little responsibility despite the evidence in his hands that clearly proved your guilt.  <photo face: red cheeks, bulging eyeballs, and steam blowing out of ears>  Naturally, we then became the evil enemy again, destroying all of your hopes and dreams that were obviously stored in your iPhone 6.
     I don't get it.  Were we wrong to fight this battle?  Was it a losing one?  After all, she may act 12 but she is 17.  Maybe we should give up on these behaviors for the sake of peace in the home and our relationship with you.  These were all of the thoughts racing through my head as I prepared the bathwater to throw out with the baby.  Thank Jesus He came to the rescue again.  Dad's devotion for that day:

"Interestingly, it's actually through conflict that we can find real peace.

For example, when someone walks into a dark place and turns on a bright

light, it changes the entire dynamic. Through this conflict, through this

disagreement, the ultimate unity will come. Why? Because as a Christian, you

make people aware of their sin-and they don't like it one bit. You don't

even have to say anything, really. You're just being you as a Christian.

So don't be upset because there is a little conflict. Just hold your ground

and keep praying. This division can result in people thinking about their

souls, considering the claims of Christ, and then ultimately turning their

lives over to the Lord."

The very same day, I was reading in John 2:13-25 about Jesus throwing the merchants and moneychangers out of the Temple courtyard.  Devotion for His Father's house consumed Him, leading Him to dump their coins and turn over all of their tables in a righteous rage. It hit me: our bodies are God's Temple now (1 Co. 6:19-20).  And you were behaving in a way that was defiling your body and reputation.  The frustration we feel inside really is rooted in our devotion for our Father and for you, Lucy.  We needed to turn over your tables.  It's not the fun part of parenting, that's for sure.  But I see now that regardless of your reaction or opinion of us, our fight is justified.  The fight is our call...the whole reason God brought you to us...to intercede for you...to show you a tangible example of His Love and Grace...to be vessels through which He can deliver His Light into your life.  We often do a crummy job, yet I recognize now that it's not us you don't like; it's His conviction.  When the Holy Spirit shines into our darkness, we all squirm because it's far from comfortable.  But the battle isn't lost.  In fact, it's already been won <3  You're not finished yet.  We're not finished yet.  Jesus is taking us all to the cleaners.  ...SOOOO much shaping...

Love you, Lucska <3

Mom

What it Means

"[Jesus] said to all of them, 'Those who want to come with me must say no to the things they want, pick up their crosses every day, and follow me.  Those who want to save their lives will lose them.  But those who lose their lives for me will save them.  What good does it do for people to win the whole world but lose their lives by destroying them?'" -Luke 9:23-25

     This morning, I had the privilege of witnessing the officiating of 32 adoptions...one of them was a teenaged orphan now the forever daughter of a sweet family that has been such an inspiration to ours.  Like us, they haven't experienced smooth sailing.  They bravely said "Yes" to the unknown, choosing to walk by faith and not by sight.  And because of this choice, they've had to face some mighty storms over the past two years that threatened to sink their hearts.  Praise God that He prevailed!
     Sitting there, listening to their testimony, as well as the other mothers, fathers, sisters, and brothers proclaim their love for children that they chose to call their family, was the perfect healing salve for my own broken heart.
     We have been battered by our fair share of storms, Loo.  Each member of our family has had to face a daily dying to ourselves.  It's so easy to get caught up in the carrying of our crosses that we tend to forget why we ever picked them up in the first place.  Adoption is not easy.  For anybody.  But it has brought my heart the closest to Jesus' than anything I've ever experienced before.  The mercy, the grace, and the love that He calls us to and equips us to extend to you is the very same mercy, grace, and love He extends to us.  It's not natural.  It's not earned.  It's rarely deserved.  And it's powerful.
     God has taken root in your heart and the fruit of His Spirit blossomed these past few weeks.  You came to us after hearing a sermon on the importance of forgiveness in families and courageously asked for ours.  We were so overwhelmed by His Joy...forgiveness has always been yours, Sweet Girl, but for Jesus to allow us to be a part of that moment?!  Incredible.  Then, to hear you follow up that request with your voiced desire to be baptized?!  Who are we that God would handpick us to be your Mom and Dad?  Willing and honored--that's who <3