Taking a Stand

You may feel you made a mistake, choosing our family to adopt you from Ukraine.  But I don't.  You may want me to stop writing "stupid stuff" on this blog and to let you go.  But I won't.  You want to move forward and live the life you've chosen for yourself here, and that's great.  I have no plans of getting in the way.  Every other time you've asked me to leave you alone, I've respected your request.  And every time you've come back of your own volition and contacted me again, I've opened my arms to you.  And I will continue to.  Not because I particularly like being accused of being fake or a horrible mother, but because of the confidence I have in God's love that never gives up and always breaks through.  I don't write this blog for the you of today, Lucy.  I write for the precious baby in the picture you left behind; the tiny untainted heart made to love and be loved.  I write for the you after God grabs hold of your heart and opens your eyes.  I write for Ludmilla.

Other people may have cowered to your threats; they may have given up on you when you made up stories about them or said hurtful things...and understandably so.  God knows I face that temptation every time you push back.  It's awful and irritating and unfair.  But I'm no longer seeking your approval or anyone else's; I have His.  And although I'll always want it, I'm no longer in need of your love because I have His.

You can choose whether to read my letters to you or to never read them again...no one is forcing you to type this address into your search bar.  But it's my choice to continue writing them.  When the Lord brought you into our lives, I didn't know my role.  I made a lot of mistakes from a place of fear and insecurity.  But since, I've found secure footing in my identity in Christ and an awareness of the gifts He's poured into me of mercy and prayer and perseverance.  I may never be your mother in the earthly sense.  I may never get to see you again or talk with you or write back and forth.  I'll likely miss out on big events like your wedding and first baby.  And that's ok.  The only purpose of me that I'm sure of is to die to myself, my flesh that wants to scream, my pride that wants to defend myself and know better for you, and to remain steadfast in my love for you regardless just as Jesus would.  This blog is the only means I have left to keep my heart open before you, even when you walk away and even when I sometimes have to just to catch my breath.

You might be right that I don't know what's best for you, that I don't know you, your desires, or your heart, and I'm totally ok if you never want to see or talk to me or the family ever again.  I respect you as a person, uniquely created and autonomous.  God gave us all the gift of freedom, and with that gift, you're free to choose whomever and whatever you want.

So am I.

And I continue to choose you because He does.   I will continue to fight for your soul before God and before the world because that's all the more glory God will receive when love wins.  If the enemy inside you continues to squirm when the truth lights up those dark places, or continues to hurl insults and accusations my way...if he continues to steal blessings meant for us, I'll still rejoice.  He'll never touch my joy: my confidence in the Lord regardless of circumstances or feelings.  He can never steal the love God has for me, even through you...and I'll be damned if he ever tries to steal it from you...especially through me.

31 What shall we say about such wonderful things as these? If God is for us, who can ever be against us? 32 Since he did not spare even his own Son but gave him up for us all, won’t he also give us everything else? 33 Who dares accuse us whom God has chosen for his own? No one—for God himself has given us right standing with himself. 34 Who then will condemn us? No one—for Christ Jesus died for us and was raised to life for us, and he is sitting in the place of honor at God’s right hand, pleading for us.

35 Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death? 36 (As the Scriptures say, “For your sake we are killed every day; we are being slaughtered like sheep.”[a]) 37 No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us.

38 And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[b] neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. 39 No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord. 

-Romans 8:31-39

I genuinely do love you, Luda.  May my persistence alone prove it.

Mom

Hard Love

Trading punches with the heart of darkness
Going to blows with your fear incarnate
Never gone until it's stripped away
A part of you has gotta die today

In the morning you gon' need an answer
Ain't nobody gonna change the standard
It's not enough to just feel the flame
You've gotta burn your old self away

Hold on tight a little longer
What don't kill ya, makes ya stronger
Get back up, 'cause it's a hard love
You can't change without a fallout
It's gon' hurt, but don't you slow down
Get back up, 'cause it's a hard love

You know the situation can't be right
And all you ever do is fight
But there's a reason that the road is long
It takes some time to make your courage strong

Hold on tight a little longer
What don't kill ya, makes ya stronger
Get back up, 'cause it's a hard love
You can't change without a fallout
It's gon' hurt, but don't you slow down
Get back up, 'cause it's a hard love

When the wolves come and hunt me down
I will face them all and stand my ground
'Cause there's a fire burnin' in me
They will see my strength in this love I found

Hold on tight a little longer
What don't kill ya, makes ya stronger
Get back up, 'cause it's a hard love
You can't change without a fallout
It's gon' hurt, but don't you slow down
Get back up, 'cause it's a hard love

It's a hard love, it's a hard love, it's a hard love, it's a hard love
Oh, it's a hard love, it's a hard love, it's a hard love, it's a hard love

Hold on tight a little longer
What don't kill ya, makes ya stronger
Get back up, 'cause it's a hard love
You can't change without a fallout
It's gon' hurt, but don't you slow down
Get back up, 'cause it's a hard love

'Cause it's a hard love

-by Needtobreathe

Narcissism, A Thief

"Narcissism is, simply speaking, self-love, or an excessive interest in one's own appearance, comfort, importance, or abilities.  Narcissists are preoccupied with an idealized image of themselves.  They focus so strongly on themselves and the image they portray that they lose their real self.  Life is a series of events organized to support this idealized image.  Love is out of the picture.  Admiration is all that counts." -Dr. Henry Cloud, Changes That Heal, p.189

As you can probably guess, I'm still on this journey...grieving, a little, but healing even more so now.  You were truly the impetus God used to set so much in motion.  Because of you, I have experienced so much of His heart that I never would have without you.  And while I am beyond grateful for all that I've learned, I've been equally as stuck, hung up on the reality that you chose a life playing pretend than one lived out for real.

After years and likely so many unnecessary troubles, you're still posting pictures of random girls on vacations, driving fancy cars, and with people that look so happy as though they're your own, as though they're you.  And the most frustrating thing for me watching all of this from the outside is that it could have really been you!  Since you left, we moved to a beautiful big house like you always dreamed of; we got a horse like you said you wanted; we went on a cruise and actually saw beaches like the ones you claimed to have visited; we were even in the works of buying and surprising you with a cute car and figuring out how to get you licensed to drive when you were still in our home!  You had it all.  But you never saw any of it because you couldn't see past yourself.  You were focused so strongly on yourself and the image you wanted to portray that you lost your real self.  No doubt, your life has become nothing more than "a series of events organized to support this idealized image" and "love is out of the picture".

Once again, Jesus opened the eyes of my heart even wider.  Oh, how much like you I am towards my Savior even still.  I'm often so preoccupied with what I think life should look like, with my own comfort, and with my abilities (or lack thereof) that I've missed out on so much He's been trying to give me all along.  Love has been pushed aside by an addiction to please others and win the admiration of man...when I already have God's.  What more can I need, when the Maker of Heaven and Earth already approves of me?!

I'm still pleading for your heart, Loo.  As long as you're on this earth, it's never too late and nothing too impossible for God to work out.  For either of us.  May He open your eyes and your heart to all that we tried to do for you and all that He is still doing <3

Praying you're well and that your heart is moving closer and closer, if even little by little, to His.

Mom