For years I've battled feeling like a failure. With every disappointment I've caused somebody, another figurative chink in my armor left me questioning my worth in this world. I can never get it right.
Not until this long stretch of time waiting for you, have the standards by which I've been measuring myself against been challenged. A sweet mentor gave me some sound advice (that your grandmother has been trying to impart on me forever): we're only responsible for living up to God's expectations of us...and sometimes this might mean we'll have to suck it up and be okay with disappointing everyone else. I don't think I'll ever relish the idea of bearing some scarlet letter or holding the reigning title of "Black Sheep" among my peers, but I can definitely say that without a doubt I dread the eternal implications that would come with rejecting the Holy Spirit.
<ENTER ANOTHER LESSON ON EXPECTATIONS>
Over the summer Dad expressed his desire to do something bigger for God. He's no longer content living his dream, he wants to live God's for our family. I was and am still overwhelmed with awe at how your Dad has grown--finally he's taken hold of his role as the spiritual head of our home!! And it couldn't be better timing :) I couldn't wait to learn what eXoTiC mission the Lord would take us on!! Oh, the possibilities! Ukraine?? Thailand?? China??
Nope.
Location of leading thus far: middle of nowhere, Arizona.
Message after message via several different means has clearly been challenging my own expectations of God and how He would answer my prayers. Naturally, it would be within His will to answer this deep desire in my heart to be a famous missionary in a third world country rescuing trafficked women and orphaned babies. Right?
Wrong.
It's only recently dawned on me how ignorant I am. Who am I, mere flesh and blood, to be placing any expectations on my Creator?! His will isn't to be my Santa Claus, granting me every desire on my bucket list. Yes, He wants all of His children to have the desires of their hearts. But, first and foremost, He wants us to give Him our WHOLE heart. Following Jesus doesn't mean saying a magic prayer and waiting to be showered in blessings. Following Jesus requires a "turn from our selfish ways". Blessings do come, but not always in the form of fame, fortune, and fascinating travel experiences.
Not everything is beneficial, even if everything we dream is within His will (1 Co.6:12).
I have admittedly been consumed with expectation after another that He's failed to meet lately, that I've completely overlooked all of those unimaginable ones He has! He has provided me the opportunity to stay at home with my children, to walk alongside of each of you and disciple you. He's given me a husband with a renewed heart and a shared dream. And He's giving us you.
So. On that note, I can hereby confirm that when "you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life [and what you expected it would look like] for [Jesus'] sake and for the sake of the Good News, you will save it" (Mark 8:34-35).
