Dad planned one incredible mini-vacation to ring in our 15
years of marriage. We almost cancelled
because of obvious reasons, but decided a retreat might be exactly what we
needed to begin healing. This morning,
when I awoke in Fredericksburg…Day 3 of our R&R…I should have been filled
with joy. Since we left San Angelo, I’d
been horseback riding at sunset, antique shopping, massaged, and wined and
dined.
Instead, I awoke with a nagging heartache.
I still haven’t been able to wrap my mind around all that’s
transpired in just these past two weeks.
The voicemail I received from you last night certainly didn’t help. Your indifferent words kept rolling around
and around in my head, beating up my thoughts even more. “Hi! It’s Lucy!! I talked to Kim and she told
me to call you. Maybe you text Kim or
call me back. Bye!” So peppy. So NOT like you had accused us of 1)
physically abusing you, then 2) bribing law enforcement to remain quiet about
it. So unaffected by all of the hurt and
betrayal your actions have evoked in us.
So clearly on a mission to be sweet because your escape plan is at
stake.
Shake it off, Heidi.
You’re on vacation. You’re
supposed to take this time to unplug.
Unplug!
I did what I always do when I lose control of my thought
train (and mindless reality TV is unavailable…just being honest): I opened my Bible hoping for a shred of
anything that could help calm the hurricane of emotions welling up inside. Psalm 95:1-2: “Come, let’s sing joyfully to
the LORD…Let’s come into His presence with a song of thanksgiving.” Well. That’s the plan. Not sure what my song would sound like right now…maybe a little something like,
“Jesus loves me this I know, He showed CPS it’s ok to go…Little ones to Him
belong, we are weak and their lies are strong.”
Hardly a Sunday favorite.
Psalm 95:6-7b: “Come, let’s worship and bow down. Let’s kneel in front of the Lord, our Maker,
because He is our God, and we are the people in His care, the flock that He
leads.” A little more comforting…it’s always good to remember Who is Sovereign
here. Reading on…
Psalm 95:7c-9: “If only you would listen to Him today! Do not be stubborn like my people were at
Meribah, like the time at Massah in the desert.
Your ancestors challenged me and tested me there, although they had seen
what I had done.” NOW we were getting somewhere. Stubborn? Lucy…party of one. Challenged and tested?? Yes, God! You feel
me! I had to get the juice on what
happened at M&M. No doubt it was
good. And applicable.
Pan to Exodus 17 where it all came together. After all that God had done for the
Israelites through Moses, they’re found at the beginning of this chapter
complaining of thirst. Moses, clearly
irritated* by their lack of gratitude or awe at the mighty miracles God performed
on their behalf, replies diplomatically despite his justified (my biased
opinion) frustration, “Why are you complaining to me? Why are you testing the LORD?” You tell ‘em, Mo! No doubt they’re seeing the error in their
thinking now. I mean, how could these
people not realize how petty thirst
is in perspective of a sea split in half or daily bread falling from the
heavens??
This mirrors our own perplexity. How can you, Daughter, not realize how petty
accountability and consequences (like losing your phone for a short time or Internet
privileges temporarily) are after looking at how GREATLY God has moved on your behalf??
Nope. These
Israelites were trees-for-the-forest kind of people.
So are you apparently.
Their response? More
complaining that quickly moved to blame and resentment toward the very man whom
the LORD used to rescue them from a life of slavery. They actually wanted to go back!! After
all God had done?! Ludicrous, I
know.
At least that’s how we’ve been feeling.
Your response to our attempt to rescue you from a life that was certain to have no good end has completely
blindsided us. And the blows keep
coming, one after another, giving us no time to catch our breath. A phone call just today informed us that you
have willfully chosen a life in the local family shelter over a life
with us. What the what?? And Ouch! You so
deeply resent our desire to protect you and actually blame us for taking you
away from Ukraine now, that you can’t even live with us anymore?
?!
This is all so incredulous!!
The Exodus story gets even crazier (which clearly means ours
is about to as well). God doesn’t direct
Moses to correct these ungrateful people or to chastise their flawed thinking. Instead, He gives Moses orders to give the
people what they want.
<sound of thoughts coming to a screeching halt>
Up until this point, it was undeniable that the Holy Spirit
was using this account at Meribah to speak to me…and loudly. Our ancestors’ journey strangely yet perfectly parallels ours. So what does this part of the story mean for
us? What does our “rock” to be
“stricken” look like? God gave the
people what they wanted…what does this mean for you? What is it that you want? No rules, just rights. To be treated like an adult without having to
act like one.
Freedom.
Train of thought back on track and well on its way to
derailing again.
I left the Word on that note. I knew our Heavenly Father was going to ask
us to trust Him yet again and surrender to His will no matter how cray-cray it
sounded. I also knew you were going to
get what you want, even if it’s the farthest thing from what you need. And that, My Dear, was all the news I could
handle at the moment.
Plus, I badly needed coffee.
The lack of sleep and caffeine in the provided instant coffee at our bed
& breakfast was catching up to me. I
was seeing things.
…Like a future where you are free to do whatever you
want.
Like the knight in shining armor that your Dad always is, he
found us a local place to go for this coveted cup of real joe. And a Christian coffee place to boot! …Nothing like supporting the ministry of
others when all else fails (like ours). I hung up my thoughts and put on my
happy face, ready to pretend I wasn’t thinking about you. But, thankfully, Jesus had a much different
plan J The older barista took our order and kindly
asked about our day, to which Dad surprised me by honestly replying with “Great
and not-so-great”. An average employee
would just blow his response off, but this guy…attuned to our Savior…saw it a
prime opportunity to strike. Turns out our complaining and thirst ended in
something we wanted and needed: our
barista wasn’t just a barista. That was
simply his job on the side to help fund his real ministry: working with Russian
orphans.
No. I’m not
joking.
 |
| A bag of coffee with Andy's story on the back to prove it. |
What started as a quick coffee run, soon became a two-hour
long counseling session miraculously ordained by God. Andy (aka Barista) transparently shared his
testimony that included his residing in Russia for 17 years and working as an
adoption coordinator. He had lots of
experience with Ukraine as well and poured forth so much knowledge of the
broken and sick system and culture you’ve come from. Among the many heart wrenching stories he
told, were accounts of truckers passing through and stopping at the orphanages to
pick up new girls anxiously awaiting to be paid for sex, while also dumping the
bodies of those they had used previously that had died from both murder and disease. He shared the bleak reality of corrupt
directors taking advantage of their power and the girls under their care,
paying off police to stay quiet when they were caught…and brothers pimping out
sisters, threatening the lives of other loved ones to keep them in their grip….
So many horrific stories.
So many plausible stories that
could very well be true for you from what little we saw while over there
adopting you and from your choices we’re experiencing now. I wish we could just know, Lucy. I wish you would just tell us what it is you
have seen and dealt with. But Andy also
explained that you likely never will. That’s
just not how your country or people operate.
The whole culture you came from survives and thrives off of denial, deception,
and crookedness. It’s a cutthroat
existence that you were shaped in and an extremely warped lens by which you’ve
learned to view life through. That’s
just how it is. For now.
His advice to us: let go and let God. Prayer IS the best and only thing we can do.
You want your freedom because in Ukraine you had it. You want to be treated as an adult because in
Ukraine you were one. Our restrictions
were put into place to protect you, yes.
Our motives were pure, of course.
Yet, because of where you are at in your thinking, you can’t see any of
it for what it really is: Love. You have
yet to know love at all, so how could we ever expect you to readily recognize
it?
It is no coincidence that we entered Greater Grace Christian
Coffee House lost and broken-hearted, yet left with greater grace. I praise God for using Andy to answer all of
our questions and doubts and to encourage us so deeply.
 |
| Andy White and Dad in front of the Greater Grace Coffee House |
Because of this unexpected help over the
hurdle of hurt, our next step finally came into focus.
All of this time, we’ve been interpreting the Scriptures and
Psalms that the Lord has been giving us as though we’re the heroes. We were Moses delivering you from your
Egypt and your false gods. We were Joshua marching around the
walls of your heart. We were Hosea, preparing to receive you
after you gave yourself to your false gods and came back.
And, wow, were we so wrong.
God is the
Hero of your story, Precious One. He
definitely used us to bring you out
of Ukraine and for a season, but it will be Him that delivers you. It
will be Him that wins you back.
“’That is why I’m
going to win her back. I will lead her
into the desert. I will speak tenderly
to her. I will give her vineyards there.
I will make the Valley of Achor [Disaster] a door of hope. Then she will respond as she did when she was
young, as she did when she came out of Egypt.
On that day she will call me her husband,’ declares the LORD. …’I won’t
allow her to say the names of other gods called Baal. She will never again call out their names.’”
–Hosea 2:14-17 (GWT)
We weren’t meant to be your whole story…
Maybe we were just the beginning.
Maybe we were simply the vessel God used to bring you out of
Ukraine and into this new country and culture where you may have to fall
harder, because it was the only way He saw you leaning in closer to Him.
Regardless of this moment, it remains clear to us that Jesus
is pursuing you in a fierce way. And the
story God wrote in bringing you home is still a powerful testimony of His
Sovereignty and glory for us and so many others. No matter how you choose for this chapter to end,
Lucy, we are confident that nothing is wasted.
We still count ourselves blessed to have been chosen for even this small
sliver of service to His Kingdom.
This is why I can say goodbye for now. This is how I can let you go. Not because it’s easy (quite the opposite
really), but because it’s time. Jesus is
about to grab your attention and your heart in a big way. You have been a daughter in every sense of
the word to us, Lucy. But, ultimately,
you are His. Your relationship with Him
has been what this is all about from the get-go. And although you are alive and well, we’ll
still be grieving a great loss. Our Lord
has asked us to surrender you to your will and our dream of a complete family
to Him.
I’ll pray without ceasing that in this desert He’s leading
you to, the scales are removed from your eyes and all of the spiritual
oppression from your painful past will be completely lifted. May you finally see and accept the endless
love and grace He has for you, Sweet Girl.
And may you come to recognize that this same love and grace has, and
always will, await you at home in us.
Until then,
Mom <3
*The account in Exodus doesn’t explain this…I took license
and inserted my emotions here because, let’s face it, I can relate.
