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Tuesday, February 9, 2016

Greater Grace

Dad planned one incredible mini-vacation to ring in our 15 years of marriage.  We almost cancelled because of obvious reasons, but decided a retreat might be exactly what we needed to begin healing.  This morning, when I awoke in Fredericksburg…Day 3 of our R&R…I should have been filled with joy.  Since we left San Angelo, I’d been horseback riding at sunset, antique shopping, massaged, and wined and dined.
Instead, I awoke with a nagging heartache. 

I still haven’t been able to wrap my mind around all that’s transpired in just these past two weeks.  The voicemail I received from you last night certainly didn’t help.  Your indifferent words kept rolling around and around in my head, beating up my thoughts even more.  “Hi! It’s Lucy!! I talked to Kim and she told me to call you.  Maybe you text Kim or call me back. Bye!”  So peppy.  So NOT like you had accused us of 1) physically abusing you, then 2) bribing law enforcement to remain quiet about it.  So unaffected by all of the hurt and betrayal your actions have evoked in us.  So clearly on a mission to be sweet because your escape plan is at stake.

Shake it off, Heidi.  You’re on vacation.  You’re supposed to take this time to unplug.  Unplug!
I did what I always do when I lose control of my thought train (and mindless reality TV is unavailable…just being honest):  I opened my Bible hoping for a shred of anything that could help calm the hurricane of emotions welling up inside.  Psalm 95:1-2: “Come, let’s sing joyfully to the LORD…Let’s come into His presence with a song of thanksgiving.” Well.  That’s the plan.  Not sure what my song would sound like right now…maybe a little something like, “Jesus loves me this I know, He showed CPS it’s ok to go…Little ones to Him belong, we are weak and their lies are strong.”
Hardly a Sunday favorite. 
Psalm 95:6-7b: “Come, let’s worship and bow down.  Let’s kneel in front of the Lord, our Maker, because He is our God, and we are the people in His care, the flock that He leads.” A little more comforting…it’s always good to remember Who is Sovereign here.  Reading on…
Psalm 95:7c-9: “If only you would listen to Him today!  Do not be stubborn like my people were at Meribah, like the time at Massah in the desert.  Your ancestors challenged me and tested me there, although they had seen what I had done.” NOW we were getting somewhere.  Stubborn? Lucy…party of one.  Challenged and tested?? Yes, God! You feel me!  I had to get the juice on what happened at M&M.  No doubt it was good.  And applicable.
Pan to Exodus 17 where it all came together.  After all that God had done for the Israelites through Moses, they’re found at the beginning of this chapter complaining of thirst.  Moses, clearly irritated* by their lack of gratitude or awe at the mighty miracles God performed on their behalf, replies diplomatically despite his justified (my biased opinion) frustration, “Why are you complaining to me?  Why are you testing the LORD?”  You tell ‘em, Mo!  No doubt they’re seeing the error in their thinking now.  I mean, how could these people not realize how petty thirst is in perspective of a sea split in half or daily bread falling from the heavens??
This mirrors our own perplexity.  How can you, Daughter, not realize how petty accountability and consequences (like losing your phone for a short time or Internet privileges temporarily) are after looking at how GREATLY God has moved on your behalf??
Nope.  These Israelites were trees-for-the-forest kind of people. 
So are you apparently.
Their response?  More complaining that quickly moved to blame and resentment toward the very man whom the LORD used to rescue them from a life of slavery.  They actually wanted to go back!!  After all God had done?!  Ludicrous, I know. 
At least that’s how we’ve been feeling. 
Your response to our attempt to rescue you from a life that was certain to have no good end has completely blindsided us.  And the blows keep coming, one after another, giving us no time to catch our breath.  A phone call just today informed us that you have willfully chosen a life in the local family shelter over a life with us.  What the what?? And Ouch! You so deeply resent our desire to protect you and actually blame us for taking you away from Ukraine now, that you can’t even live with us anymore?
?!
This is all so incredulous!!

The Exodus story gets even crazier (which clearly means ours is about to as well).  God doesn’t direct Moses to correct these ungrateful people or to chastise their flawed thinking.  Instead, He gives Moses orders to give the people what they want.

<sound of thoughts coming to a screeching halt>

Up until this point, it was undeniable that the Holy Spirit was using this account at Meribah to speak to me…and loudly.  Our ancestors’ journey strangely yet perfectly parallels ours.  So what does this part of the story mean for us?  What does our “rock” to be “stricken” look like?  God gave the people what they wanted…what does this mean for you?  What is it that you want?  No rules, just rights.  To be treated like an adult without having to act like one. 
Freedom.  
Train of thought back on track and well on its way to derailing again.
I left the Word on that note.  I knew our Heavenly Father was going to ask us to trust Him yet again and surrender to His will no matter how cray-cray it sounded.  I also knew you were going to get what you want, even if it’s the farthest thing from what you need.  And that, My Dear, was all the news I could handle at the moment.

Plus, I badly needed coffee.  The lack of sleep and caffeine in the provided instant coffee at our bed & breakfast was catching up to me.  I was seeing things. 
…Like a future where you are free to do whatever you want. 

Like the knight in shining armor that your Dad always is, he found us a local place to go for this coveted cup of real joe.  And a Christian coffee place to boot!  …Nothing like supporting the ministry of others when all else fails (like ours). I hung up my thoughts and put on my happy face, ready to pretend I wasn’t thinking about you.  But, thankfully, Jesus had a much different plan J  The older barista took our order and kindly asked about our day, to which Dad surprised me by honestly replying with “Great and not-so-great”.  An average employee would just blow his response off, but this guy…attuned to our Savior…saw it a prime opportunity to strike.  Turns out our complaining and thirst ended in something we wanted and needed: our barista wasn’t just a barista.  That was simply his job on the side to help fund his real ministry: working with Russian orphans. 

No.  I’m not joking.  

A bag of coffee with Andy's story on the back to prove it.


What started as a quick coffee run, soon became a two-hour long counseling session miraculously ordained by God.  Andy (aka Barista) transparently shared his testimony that included his residing in Russia for 17 years and working as an adoption coordinator.  He had lots of experience with Ukraine as well and poured forth so much knowledge of the broken and sick system and culture you’ve come from.  Among the many heart wrenching stories he told, were accounts of truckers passing through and stopping at the orphanages to pick up new girls anxiously awaiting to be paid for sex, while also dumping the bodies of those they had used previously that had died from both murder and disease.  He shared the bleak reality of corrupt directors taking advantage of their power and the girls under their care, paying off police to stay quiet when they were caught…and brothers pimping out sisters, threatening the lives of other loved ones to keep them in their grip….
So many horrific stories.  So many plausible stories that could very well be true for you from what little we saw while over there adopting you and from your choices we’re experiencing now.  I wish we could just know, Lucy.  I wish you would just tell us what it is you have seen and dealt with.  But Andy also explained that you likely never will.  That’s just not how your country or people operate.  The whole culture you came from survives and thrives off of denial, deception, and crookedness.  It’s a cutthroat existence that you were shaped in and an extremely warped lens by which you’ve learned to view life through.  That’s just how it is.  For now. 
His advice to us: let go and let God.  Prayer IS the best and only thing we can do.  You want your freedom because in Ukraine you had it.  You want to be treated as an adult because in Ukraine you were one.  Our restrictions were put into place to protect you, yes.  Our motives were pure, of course.  Yet, because of where you are at in your thinking, you can’t see any of it for what it really is: Love.  You have yet to know love at all, so how could we ever expect you to readily recognize it?
It is no coincidence that we entered Greater Grace Christian Coffee House lost and broken-hearted, yet left with greater grace.  I praise God for using Andy to answer all of our questions and doubts and to encourage us so deeply.  

Andy White and Dad in front of the Greater Grace Coffee House


Because of this unexpected help over the hurdle of hurt, our next step finally came into focus.

All of this time, we’ve been interpreting the Scriptures and Psalms that the Lord has been giving us as though we’re the heroes.  We were Moses delivering you from your Egypt and your false gods.  We were Joshua marching around the walls of your heart.  We were Hosea, preparing to receive you after you gave yourself to your false gods and came back. 
And, wow, were we so wrong. 
God is the Hero of your story, Precious One.  He definitely used us to bring you out of Ukraine and for a season, but it will be Him that delivers you.  It will be Him that wins you back.

“’That is why I’m going to win her back.  I will lead her into the desert.  I will speak tenderly to her. I will give her vineyards there.  I will make the Valley of Achor [Disaster] a door of hope.  Then she will respond as she did when she was young, as she did when she came out of Egypt.  On that day she will call me her husband,’ declares the LORD. …’I won’t allow her to say the names of other gods called Baal.  She will never again call out their names.’”
–Hosea 2:14-17 (GWT)

We weren’t meant to be your whole story…
Maybe we were just the beginning. 
Maybe we were simply the vessel God used to bring you out of Ukraine and into this new country and culture where you may have to fall harder, because it was the only way He saw you leaning in closer to Him.
Regardless of this moment, it remains clear to us that Jesus is pursuing you in a fierce way.  And the story God wrote in bringing you home is still a powerful testimony of His Sovereignty and glory for us and so many others.  No matter how you choose for this chapter to end, Lucy, we are confident that nothing is wasted.  We still count ourselves blessed to have been chosen for even this small sliver of service to His Kingdom.
This is why I can say goodbye for now.  This is how I can let you go.  Not because it’s easy (quite the opposite really), but because it’s time.  Jesus is about to grab your attention and your heart in a big way.  You have been a daughter in every sense of the word to us, Lucy.  But, ultimately, you are His.  Your relationship with Him has been what this is all about from the get-go.  And although you are alive and well, we’ll still be grieving a great loss.  Our Lord has asked us to surrender you to your will and our dream of a complete family to Him. 

I’ll pray without ceasing that in this desert He’s leading you to, the scales are removed from your eyes and all of the spiritual oppression from your painful past will be completely lifted.  May you finally see and accept the endless love and grace He has for you, Sweet Girl.  And may you come to recognize that this same love and grace has, and always will, await you at home in us.

Until then,
Mom <3



*The account in Exodus doesn’t explain this…I took license and inserted my emotions here because, let’s face it, I can relate.