"God invades the deepest recesses of our deceitful heart to ruthlessly expose what needs to be changed. His acceptance of us on the basis of Calvary and His understanding of our hurt provide the context for His work in our heart, but relentless exposure of our arrogant demandingness begins the healing." -Dr. Larry Crabb, Inside Out, p.160
In just a little over a month, it will be one year since all hell broke loose. The subject and the emotions that come with our story together are tired. People are tired of hearing about it, we're tired of talking about it, and I'm tired of feeling it. Nevertheless, my heart still aches. I'm down a few friends and a lot of joy and I desperately crave relief. Just when I begin to let go and accept what is, you pop back into the picture with a message on Facebook or through text. And you always want something. You're pleasant, but demanding...your requests completely out-of-the blue. You wanted to meet downtown at specific times on specific days with little flexibility or concern for my schedule. When that didn't work out, you waited a few weeks then asked for me to meet you right away because you had a gift for me. How you can paint me out to be a monster one moment then desire to see me/buy me a gift the next felt suspicious. And the reality is, I can't meet you alone. It's not safe for me legally anymore--not after the allegations you derived. I have what's left of us to protect now. And regardless, I can't pretend that nothing happened and sweep my frustration and confusion and hurt under the rug. No part of your request made sense, but I still took your petition to prayer seeking God's wisdom in the matter because the truth is, Sweet Girl, I long for you to run back home like the prodigal son, eyes and heart finally opened to His Plan and to our pure motives and love for you. I long to reconcile.
But His wisdom and your response revealed something else. You still believe the stories you've twisted and fabricated--we're still the monsters in your alternate reality. You flippantly regarded my suggestion of meeting with a counselor weekly to work on mending our relationship, first asking, "What relationship? lol", then claiming you were still scared of us and that you hoped we understand. You continued by texting that while you still feel moving to America was a big mistake, you recognize now that you need a family for money and food and clothes and a home...and that it is scary being alone. You no longer want a family but are willing to be friends. Well, "Maybe be friends". We do understand that it's scary, Loo. We do understand that your perception of love is skewed. But we don't understand how to navigate your inability to take any responsibility for your destructive actions or how to look past your unreasonably demanding spirit.
Then Thanksgiving week happened. Isaac gets into a horse accident and suddenly you're referring to him as your "little brother" again, texting to request his room number so you can come visit. Again, as nothing ever happened between us. And, frankly, I was mad. My flesh screams, you don't get to do this! You don't get to choose when and where and how you're going to be in our family and when and where and how you're not! The world doesn't revolve around you! But no matter how justified we feel shutting you completely out would be, no matter how satisfying treating you the way you've treated us might feel, God's will continues to prevail. He always stands between my flesh and my heart, guarding me from stumbling over you. Once again, He called me to more prayer and more surrender. And while I am so grateful for His perfectly-timed equipping and His Grace that is forever sufficient, I am also still so frustrated.
When will He deliver you? When will the happy ending come? When will He finally relieve me and restore my joy? I've been faithful. I've died to myself time and time again. I've chosen His will over mine. I'm trusting His Plan. What gives?? Why is He not fixing this????
Yet again, I've been so focused on you and your offenses that I've missed the memo. And yet again, the memo is that before God I am no better than you. Just as you making any demands of us is absurd, so are we making any demands of God. Who am I to try and work God's system? You've been claiming abuse and fear and victimization with a hope it will garner people's sympathy and result in providing you with whatever it is you think you need at any given moment. I've been claiming faithfulness and obedience and trust in Jesus, but with a "quiet strong hope that a good response from us will bring a quicker end to our trials and a return to better times" (p.148). Both your actions and mine are abhorrent before our Creator!
The ugly truth is, my prayers have gone unanswered for longer than I expected and my confidence is shaken. My "veneer of trust" is being "stripped away to expose a demanding spirit" in my own heart (p.150). I see now that my "'trust' in God was rooted not in unconditional confidence in His character and sovereign plan but rather in a hope that He'd relieve [my] suffering in the way [I] desired" (p.151). The happy ending I've been envisioning may not be anything like the close to this mess that the Lord has planned. And I need to be okay with that. I need to trust Him even when it seems like His goal is to frustrate me. I need to follow Him even when it hurts. Because God and God alone is Sovereign. He is in charge. It would serve us both well to remember that, Loo. "Problems may fuel a demanding spirit, but never justify it. God is unalterably opposed to a demanding attitude on the part of His creatures no matter how severe their suffering. His ears are opened wide to hear cries of lament and pleas for help, but He will not come to a negotiating table to consider terms from angry people" (p.147).
I will likely continue to cry out in my broken heartedness. I will almost definitely plead for His Hand to intervene, but I will be doing so now hyper-aware of my humble position before the Maker of the Heavens and Earth. It's easy to pass judgment on you, determining that your actions don't deserve a loving, gentle, or forgiving response...but what a hard pill it is to swallow that none of us deserve God's Love and Sacrifices and immense Mercy. We all deserve death and hell. Yet Jesus still came to give us life so that none would perish. God is still willing to fight for me, to listen to me, to open His heart to me, and to comfort me in my wickedness and selfishness; I need to continue to work on loving you in the same way. ...Free of all hidden agenda or hopes that I can convince God to go with my plans by acting in an obedient way (despite my heart of horrors)...Sans any expectations that my kindness might eventually lead to my desired repentant response from you. You may never see the vastness of God's love for you or of the love He's calling us to have for you, but I surrender anyway. He knows what He's doing even when we don't. And He loves all of His Creation, even when most don't choose to love Him back.
Always praying for you, Loo.
Mom
