When at Rock Bottom

During my time with God this morning, He gave me this Psalm.  He also gave me renewed hope and peace when He whispered to my heart that it was for you <3

"I love the LORD, for He heard my voice;
He heard my cry for mercy.
Because He turned His ear to me,
I will call on Him as long as I live.

The cords of death entangled me,
The anguish of the grave came over me;
I was overcome by distress and sorrow.
Then I called on the Name of the LORD:
'LORD, save me!'

The LORD is gracious and righteous;
Our God is full of compassion.
The LORD protects the unwary;
When I was brought low, He saved me.

Return to your rest, my soul,
For the LORD has been good to you.

For you, LORD, have delivered me from death,
My eyes from tears,
My feet from stumbling,
That I may walk before the LORD
In the land of the living.

I trusted in the LORD when I said,
'I am greatly afflicted';
In my alarm I said,
'Everyone is a liar.'

What shall I return to the LORD
For all His goodness to me?

I will lift up the cup of salvation
And call on the Name of the LORD.
I will fulfill my vows to the LORD
In the presence of all His people.

Precious in the sight of the LORD
Is the death of His faithful servants.
Truly I am Your servant, LORD;
I serve You just as my mother did;
You have freed me from my chains.

I will sacrifice a thank offering to You
And call on the Name of the LORD.
I will fulfill my vows to the LORD
In the presence of all His people,
In the courts of the house of the LORD--
In your midst, Jerusalem.

Praise the LORD." -Psalm 116

I pray, in Jesus' Name, you will cry out to God just like this--that these will be your words one day soon--that you will find healing and rest from your brokenness--that you will be freed from your chains and lift up the cup of His salvation and fulfill the greater purpose He has for your amazing testimony <3
I love you, Lucy.
Mom

Hardened but Never Hopeless

Oh, Loo.  I have no more words.  It seems Jesus was right to give us Mark 9:14-29 years ago.  What rules you "since childhood", what continues to throw you into one figurative fire after another, "can be forced out only by prayer".  Time and again you come back into our lives only to walk out when you either don't get what you want, or you're faced with reality...and sometimes both.  And reality is, you're still creating story after story, preying on one person, one family, one facility after another, seeking to quench an insatiable thirst inside of you for attention...to be wanted...to be loved...that only God Himself can fill.

I'll say it again as I have so many times before: You are wanted.  You are loved.  You have our attention.  And above all, you have His.

When these demons that bind you finally run you into rock bottom, I hope you'll read these letters and finally see, genuinely repent, and wholeheartedly accept it all and believe!  While hope may be lost for any communication or a relationship with you right now,  I'm still firmly holding on to hope in God "who turned the rock into a pool, the hard rock into springs of water" (Psalm 114:8).  Your heart, however hardened, is never too far out of God's power and ability to transform it from one of stone, to one of flesh (Ezekiel 36:26).  Daily, I'll continue to fight for you in prayer.

"Not to us, LORD, not to us, but to Your Name be the glory, because of Your love and faithfulness." -Psalm 115:1

With His Love,
Mom

The Eyes of The Heart

It's not what you see with your eyes, but what you see with your heart that changes you.

-Drew Worsham

This statement resonated with me since I heard it two weeks ago...just days after you wrote me asking us for forgiveness.  Forgiveness is such a simple word with so many different meanings, isn't it?  We can accidentally step in someone's way and flippantly say "I'm sorry" and they forgive us.  Siblings can punch each other and say hurtful things and be forced to apologize to and begrudgingly forgive one another.  Spouses can get into heated discussions and seek forgiveness after they've both cooled off.  But what about the kind of forgiveness that happens without an apology from the offending party?  Without a nagging voice making us do it when everything in us doesn't want to?  Smack dab in the middle of all the figurative heat and with absolutely nothing to gain for ourselves? 

What about forgiveness for the person who hurt us, who may still be hurting us?  

A forgiveness like Jesus has for the whole world....

Ugh...and what about all that His Word says on forgiveness: like forgiving over and over, even when someone continues to offend us, then apologizes, just to offend us again and again (Luke 17:3-4).  And not JUST forgiving them repeatedly, but being kind and compassionate to them!!!! ...And the whole reality that if we don't forgive, not only will our hearts be defiled by bitterness and turn us into extremely miserable people, but our own pardon before God is at stake, because before God we're no better (Col. 3:13; Mark 11:25). 

?!

Still finding that following Jesus isn't for the faint at heart.  Bleh.

In anger, you texted months ago that I'm "walking around like [I'm] some angel when [I'm] not", and you are so right, Lucy.  I'm not.  I am 100% human...most of the time nothing more than a bone bag.  And that carnal side of me that can only see with my eyes, is totally conflicted when it comes to you.  On one hand, I am so overjoyed that communication with you has been restored!!!  On the other, I'm suspicious...why the sudden change of heart?  And if it's so changed and you so badly want a family, why don't you want to meet up with us when you're coming back to San Angelo to visit in just a few weeks?  Why are you not ready for us to meet your boyfriend that you credit for so much of your happiness right now? Why won't you allow anything I post on your Facebook wall to stay?  Is the story you shared with us about the Housers really what happened? Are you only coming back to us because you can no longer turn to them?

I am more than ready to be on the other side of this and more than willing to trust God for another miracle in our storyline with you.  Yet, this doesn't negate all my worry that re-engaging may only serve to invite more trouble instead...and just when we found light at the end of a very dark, very long tunnel. 

Definitely no angel here.  There's so much going on in my brain!!!!  

Praise God that I'm not being led by my brain, but by His heart.  Of course I hope that one day, you'll see and believe my affection for you, Loo.  But up until this point, it hasn't been me you're resenting, or who you think others are wrongly perceiving, at. all.  All of the love I've maintained for you, the mercy, the grace, any hope, any courage...anything good is solely from God's Holy Spirit pouring daily into my heart.  Jesus has been doing some heavy-lifting ;)  Forgiving you hasn't been simple for me.  It wasn't a one-time decision.  It started with a choice long ago...apart from you...for my own sake...and continues to be an ongoing process that I'm contending with daily for us both.  And it's the you I see with Christ's heart that has ultimately changed me and that keeps me going when the going gets tough.  You are worth more than gold...worth all of the risk; your journey will be such a powerful testimony for His glory and kingdom.  <3 

I pray, in Jesus' Name, that His love breaks through. May He open the eyes of your heart, too, so you can clearly see all of us who have tried our best to love you as He does, so you'll have the strength to fully forgive the rest who truly and deeply hurt you, and so you'll finally find freedom from this pain that so tightly binds you and blinds you.

I love you, Sweet Girl.

Mom