It's not what you see with your eyes, but what you see with your heart that changes you.
-Drew Worsham
This statement resonated with me since I heard it two weeks ago...just days after you wrote me asking us for forgiveness. Forgiveness is such a simple word with so many different meanings, isn't it? We can accidentally step in someone's way and flippantly say "I'm sorry" and they forgive us. Siblings can punch each other and say hurtful things and be forced to apologize to and begrudgingly forgive one another. Spouses can get into heated discussions and seek forgiveness after they've both cooled off. But what about the kind of forgiveness that happens without an apology from the offending party? Without a nagging voice making us do it when everything in us doesn't want to? Smack dab in the middle of all the figurative heat and with absolutely nothing to gain for ourselves?
What about forgiveness for the person who hurt us, who may still be hurting us?
A forgiveness like Jesus has for the whole world....
Ugh...and what about all that His Word says on forgiveness: like forgiving over and over, even when someone continues to offend us, then apologizes, just to offend us again and again (Luke 17:3-4). And not JUST forgiving them repeatedly, but being kind and compassionate to them!!!! ...And the whole reality that if we don't forgive, not only will our hearts be defiled by bitterness and turn us into extremely miserable people, but our own pardon before God is at stake, because before God we're no better (Col. 3:13; Mark 11:25).
?!
Still finding that following Jesus isn't for the faint at heart. Bleh.
In anger, you texted months ago that I'm "walking around like [I'm] some angel when [I'm] not", and you are so right, Lucy. I'm not. I am 100% human...most of the time nothing more than a bone bag. And that carnal side of me that can only see with my eyes, is totally conflicted when it comes to you. On one hand, I am so overjoyed that communication with you has been restored!!! On the other, I'm suspicious...why the sudden change of heart? And if it's so changed and you so badly want a family, why don't you want to meet up with us when you're coming back to San Angelo to visit in just a few weeks? Why are you not ready for us to meet your boyfriend that you credit for so much of your happiness right now? Why won't you allow anything I post on your Facebook wall to stay? Is the story you shared with us about the Housers really what happened? Are you only coming back to us because you can no longer turn to them?
I am more than ready to be on the other side of this and more than willing to trust God for another miracle in our storyline with you. Yet, this doesn't negate all my worry that re-engaging may only serve to invite more trouble instead...and just when we found light at the end of a very dark, very long tunnel.
Definitely no angel here. There's so much going on in my brain!!!!
Praise God that I'm not being led by my brain, but by His heart. Of course I hope that one day, you'll see and believe my affection for you, Loo. But up until this point, it hasn't been me you're resenting, or who you think others are wrongly perceiving, at. all. All of the love I've maintained for you, the mercy, the grace, any hope, any courage...anything good is solely from God's Holy Spirit pouring daily into my heart. Jesus has been doing some heavy-lifting ;) Forgiving you hasn't been simple for me. It wasn't a one-time decision. It started with a choice long ago...apart from you...for my own sake...and continues to be an ongoing process that I'm contending with daily for us both. And it's the you I see with Christ's heart that has ultimately changed me and that keeps me going when the going gets tough. You are worth more than gold...worth all of the risk; your journey will be such a powerful testimony for His glory and kingdom. <3
I pray, in Jesus' Name, that His love breaks through. May He open the eyes of your heart, too, so you can clearly see all of us who have tried our best to love you as He does, so you'll have the strength to fully forgive the rest who truly and deeply hurt you, and so you'll finally find freedom from this pain that so tightly binds you and blinds you.
I love you, Sweet Girl.
Mom
