"The future is meant to be written in light of the patterns of the past. We can't predict the future, but we can read the patterns of the past to see how God has marked us for His purposes. He uses the past to open our future. As we learn to read patterns, we gain an understanding of our calling."
-Dan B. Allender, To Be Told, p.92.
I never got to know your whole story. I've only been able to speculate, to fill in the spaces. I imagine you are intimately familiar with abandonment...with loneliness...with shame. The patterns of your past scarring more than marking you. I know you've been named Thief, Liar, Selfish, Promiscuous, and Dangerous; many of the names spoken and written by those of us who were called to love you like Jesus loves you, yet failing miserably in our carnal response to your hurtful actions. I am so sorry to keep going back and forth, from wide open to completely closed towards you. I am sorry that I have allowed the opinions of others, and fear, to thwart me from what God has called me to do. I am sorry that I mistook my calling to simply be your mother.
"Our calling is not what we do--it's how we do it" (Allender, p.97).
I was called to fearlessly and faithfully be your mother.
I have written it before and I stand by it still today: you are not my enemy and we are not yours. Our real enemy continues to prowl around us both like a hungry lion trying to devour those pieces of us that reflect our God. Satan wants me to believe my name is Fearful and Faithless. He wants you to believe that yours is Abandoned and Lonely. He wants us to see you as Liar and Selfish; he wants you to see us as Untrustworthy and Uninterested.
"However, all the truest themes have to do with what each of us uniquely reveals about God's character. Our calling is to reveal God through the themes He has woven into our character" (Allender, p.99).
Throughout my life, I was ironically known for being fearless and having faith that moved mountains. And, in the short time we closely knew you, your strength and courage were always evident. It was that fearlessness and faithfulness, inner strength and courage, that God worked together to make us a family! Somewhere along our story together, I lost sight of how I was called to love you: fearlessly and with mighty faith. My name, Heidi Eileen, actually means "Battle maid and Bringer of Light"! Your given name, Lyudmila, alone means "dearly loved by the people"! Completely contrary to Fearful and Faithless, Abandoned and Lonely!
And, Lucy, you are DEARLY LOVED by me <3
I don't think that either of us actually desires to hurt the other or to stay apart. I can only speak for myself, however. I know I meant it when I wrote you months back and said I wanted to be a part of your life. My actions haven't been consistent because my walk with God hasn't been consistent. But when I am walking close to Him, and looking to Him for guidance concerning you, He always advises me to love you recklessly without fear and with faith that He is still moving mountains.
People closest to me don't get it. Your dad doesn't always get it. Josh doesn't always get it. Papa doesn't always get it. Counselors advise me to keep my distance. Friends think I am stupid. But it shouldn't matter. I shouldn't have been looking to them or you or anyone else for advice on how best to handle my relationship with you. I should have fixed my eyes on Jesus and trusted His plans and purposes for us. I hope you can understand and forgive me once again for failing to be what He called me to be for you. I also hope you see how faithfully God Himself continues to pursue your heart, regardless of the screw ups us people can be.
Happy 20th Birthday, Loo. I am praying that God continues to grab ahold of your heart and to wholly fill those empty places. Love you always.
Mom
