I know I told you that I needed to step back; that I need to let you go and no longer lose sight of your brothers in my pursuit of you. All of that is still true. I want nothing more than to talk to you, Loo. I want to hear about your wedding plans and about Kris and life in Alabama. I've always wanted that. I care for you deeply. But the reality is, our conversations never end there. They have never stayed friendly for long. Just when it seems like we're growing closer, you pull away often claiming more hurtful things or getting angry seemingly out of nowhere. For you, I'm sure it seemed like nothing...but it destroyed me every time.
I know that deep down you're hurting and that is why you hurt others. To protect your heart from being crushed, you do the crushing first. I will never be able to imagine the depth of the pain you grapple with day-to-day. And, I am so afraid of being just another person in your life that fuels the lies I think you've come to believe: that you're not worth the fight, that your brokenness is hopeless, that another person is giving up on you. That fear, those feelings...they consume me.
Please do not mistake my stepping back as giving up. I love you, Lucy. Counselors, friends, family...probably even you don't understand how God has sealed you on my heart. It's awesome really; an answer to so many prayers of mine when we started the process of adoption. I will always be by your side, fighting for your heart in prayer, begging God to restore your health and joy and our relationship <3 You are our daughter and always will be as far as we're concerned. Hence, I will continue to write to you here; I still want some way to let you know that you are always on my mind (without getting a piece of yours).
I am sorry if this decision of mine to buffer conversation with you seems out of place and sudden. I have been counseled for the past two years to do this, to protect the members of the family that didn't leave and to protect myself. But I just couldn't make the change until recently because of my determination to prove that I love you no matter what. Only after Jesus gave me the parable of the Prodigal Son did I finally realize I had still been loving you all wrong.
The father in the story of the Prodigal Son didn't chase down the son that walked away from the family, that chose to live his life the way he wanted to...outside of the father's protection and provision. He didn't wallow in sorrow or ask around town about him. Instead, he waited at home patiently, carrying on with life there, but ready and willing to receive his son with open arms when the son chose to return. The father knew and trusted in the sovereignty of God to bring his child back when the time was right; when the son was genuinely humbled and could recognize the love and the blessings he had left behind.
I believe that in your own way, you do love us, Loo. I believe you never intend to hurt anybody and that you are truly remorseful for the choices you make when you do. But I have only seen you choose you. You are a survivor, and you survive at any cost. And while I can't allow you to survive at the cost of us anymore, I know and trust in the sovereignty of God to make all things new.
I have offered this to you before and the offer still stands: if ever there comes a day when you want help, when you want to break free of this painful cycle of broken homes and relationships, we are always ready and willing to arrange for and go on a journey to healing with you through counseling. I may not be running all over social media looking for you anymore, obsessing about where you are and what you're doing and how you've been, but I am still here ready and willing to receive you with open arms should you ever humbly return home <3
I love you,
Mom
I know that deep down you're hurting and that is why you hurt others. To protect your heart from being crushed, you do the crushing first. I will never be able to imagine the depth of the pain you grapple with day-to-day. And, I am so afraid of being just another person in your life that fuels the lies I think you've come to believe: that you're not worth the fight, that your brokenness is hopeless, that another person is giving up on you. That fear, those feelings...they consume me.
Please do not mistake my stepping back as giving up. I love you, Lucy. Counselors, friends, family...probably even you don't understand how God has sealed you on my heart. It's awesome really; an answer to so many prayers of mine when we started the process of adoption. I will always be by your side, fighting for your heart in prayer, begging God to restore your health and joy and our relationship <3 You are our daughter and always will be as far as we're concerned. Hence, I will continue to write to you here; I still want some way to let you know that you are always on my mind (without getting a piece of yours).
I am sorry if this decision of mine to buffer conversation with you seems out of place and sudden. I have been counseled for the past two years to do this, to protect the members of the family that didn't leave and to protect myself. But I just couldn't make the change until recently because of my determination to prove that I love you no matter what. Only after Jesus gave me the parable of the Prodigal Son did I finally realize I had still been loving you all wrong.
The father in the story of the Prodigal Son didn't chase down the son that walked away from the family, that chose to live his life the way he wanted to...outside of the father's protection and provision. He didn't wallow in sorrow or ask around town about him. Instead, he waited at home patiently, carrying on with life there, but ready and willing to receive his son with open arms when the son chose to return. The father knew and trusted in the sovereignty of God to bring his child back when the time was right; when the son was genuinely humbled and could recognize the love and the blessings he had left behind.
I believe that in your own way, you do love us, Loo. I believe you never intend to hurt anybody and that you are truly remorseful for the choices you make when you do. But I have only seen you choose you. You are a survivor, and you survive at any cost. And while I can't allow you to survive at the cost of us anymore, I know and trust in the sovereignty of God to make all things new.
I have offered this to you before and the offer still stands: if ever there comes a day when you want help, when you want to break free of this painful cycle of broken homes and relationships, we are always ready and willing to arrange for and go on a journey to healing with you through counseling. I may not be running all over social media looking for you anymore, obsessing about where you are and what you're doing and how you've been, but I am still here ready and willing to receive you with open arms should you ever humbly return home <3
I love you,
Mom
