Since you’ve been
gone, investigations of our family went from just CPS to Police (for your
allegation that we bribed them), and eventually to the Department of Homeland
Security for allegations that we forced you to work to pay back every penny of
your adoption and to provide your own groceries because we only fed you scraps
like a dog, if at all, from our table.
Oh. And your
household name was “Prostitute”. ?!
Just when our souls would settle from one accusation,
another would manifest. It’s been a few
weeks since we received the “All Clear”, but this time my soul can’t seem to
find rest. Who’s going to knock on our
door next? Interpol?!
So many fears and
thoughts consume me. The “What if’s”: What
if we had just approached our relationship with you as mentors rather than
parents from the beginning…would that have made a difference? Would you still be safe at home? What if we had found a licensed professional
counselor for you sooner, regardless of their experience with situations like
yours or the language barrier…would you be better off? Would we
be better off, as all of your past behaviors and issues would have been legally
documented and this whole mess wouldn’t be viewed as simply our word against
yours? Would the counselor you’re seeing
now have a better view of the whole picture?
What if you’re mistaking our decision to step back and allow you over to
your will for a time as though we never cared and that we’re not invested; that
we’re just another family that’s given up on you? What if I do try reaching out to you in
person and you use the opportunity to hurt us more?
Then there’s the
“It’s not fair’s”: It’s not fair that
you lied to so many government authorities and suffered no consequence for such
serious actions. It’s not fair that the
shelter has been making all of the calls to us on your behalf when something
comes up that you need that only we can provide…you’ve had to take no personal
responsibility nor experience the discomfort of resolving conflict left in your
wake. You haven’t yet felt the mere
discomfort of living independently and without our assistance on even a basic
needs level, so how will you ever come to realize just how much we did do for you? It’s not fair. It’s not fair that you’ve been given the
freedom that you so badly wanted but weren’t quite ready for—the freedom to
partake in everything that distracts you from the better future God was trying
to bring you into. It’s not fair that
you’re having fun shopping at the mall and going to the zoo and spending at
least one day every week with the very woman who deemed our family “evil” from
the moment she met us (? so she reported to the police) and spoke with so much
hostility to your dad, legally claiming harassment when we simply tried
reaching her to see if she had heard from you when you ran away this time. Why her?
Why does she get to have this
relationship with you and not us? What makes her more trustworthy? What has she
done for you to prove her love and commitment that can ever compare to the
sacrifices we’ve made for you and would continue to?
To the outside
world, I appear as though I’m moving forward with life. But clearly, I’ve done anything but. If your goal was to deeply wound us, you
succeeded with me. You have moved on and
I’ve been paralyzed. Praise Jesus He hasn’t given up on me; He’s been staying
behind with me, gently urging me to let go, to trust Him, and to heal:
“A person’s fear sets a trap for him, but one who trusts in the LORD is
safe. Many seek an audience with a
ruler, but justice for humanity comes from the LORD.” –Proverbs 29:25-26
“Let’s return to the LORD. Even
though He has torn us to pieces, He will heal us. Even though He has wounded us, He will
bandage our wounds. …Let’s learn about the LORD. Let’s get to know the LORD. He will come to
us as sure as the morning comes. He will
come to us like the autumn rains and the spring rains that water the ground.”
–Hosea 6:1-3
He’s been assuring me that nothing that’s happened in my
heart, yours, or those involved with you is getting past Him:
“Do not envy sinners in your heart.
Instead, continue to fear the LORD.
There is indeed a future, and your hope will never be cut off.”
–Proverbs 23:17-18
“Do not envy evil people or wish you were with them, because their
minds plot violence, and their lips talk trouble.” –Proverbs 24:1-2
“Do not be happy when your enemy falls, and do not feel glad when he
stumbles. The LORD will see it, He won’t
like it, and He will turn His anger away from that person.” –Proverbs 24:17-18
“Even if they escape without being destroyed, Egypt will capture them
and Memphis will bury them. Weeds will
grow over their silver treasures. Thorns
will grow over their tents. The time for
them to be punished will come. The time
for them to pay for their sins will come. When this happens, Israel will know it. They think that prophets are fools and that
spiritual people are crazy. They have
sinned a lot, and they are very hostile. …People have deeply corrupted
themselves…God will remember their wickedness and punish them because of their
sins.”
-Hosea 9:6-9
He’s been humbling me, guiding me to the recognition that my
frustration with the way things have panned out is an indication of arrogance
and pride in my own heart. He loves you
and is chasing after you, Lucy, of course.
He’ll never stop. But I see now
that He’s been pursuing me as well, utilizing every nuance of this mess to
answer my prayers for healing for myself--from
an addiction to approval and to be shaped into a force for Him to be reckoned
with. My character has never been
questioned as much…our family’s reputation never under so great an attack. But not all for naught. I see now how all of this has served to
expose those most vulnerable parts of myself, pressuring my Spirit just enough
to writhe under it and grow, but never crushing it.
“Israel, your arrogance testifies against you, but even after all this,
you don’t turn to the LORD your God or look to Him for help.”-Hosea 7:10
“My servant Peter was not changed in a flash from a simple fisherman to
a great leader and teacher, but through the very time of faithlessness—through
the very time of denial—I was yet making him all that He should be. …Peter
could never have been the after power he was, had he not learned his weakness.”
–God Calling; April 4th
Now that I’m able to focus on the state of my own heart and
less on yours, I got real with myself. Who
the heck am I to determine what would grab your attention and best help
you? He is GOD after all!! Only He knows the innermost workings of both
of our hearts, and every heart surrounding us, and only He can work most effectively to
harmonize them. But I’ve had the
audacity to believe lame I can make a
difference somehow?! Embarrassing. He’s got this. Truly.
I need to stop saying with my actions, “I believe God! Help me with my unbelief!” and start shouting
a simple, “I believe!”. I need to take
His permission to move on and let my soul rest in Him.
“I am all-powerful and
all-knowing and I have all your affairs in My Hands. Divine efficiency as well as Divine power is
being brought to bear on them. All
miracle-work is not the work of a moment as so often men imagine.”
“Rest in Me. Seek this evening time just to be with
Me. Do not feel you have failed if
sometimes I ask you only to rest together in My Presence. I am with you, much with you both, not only
at these times, at all times. Feel
conscious of My Presence. Earth has no
greater joy than that. I am the heart’s
great Interpreter. Even souls who are
the nearest together have much in their natures that remain a sealed book to
each other, and only as I enter and control their lives, do I reveal to each
the mysteries of the other. Each soul is
different—I alone understand perfectly the language of each, and I can
interpret between the two. ‘Return unto thy rest, O my soul; for the Lord hath
dealt bountifully with thee.’ Psalm 116:7.”
I’ve spent so much thinking on the “What ifs” and the “It’s
not fairs” that I’ve single-handedly shrouded all that He has delivered us from and how greatly He has blessed us. In a sense, I’ve done to Him exactly what
you’ve done to us, focusing on all that we didn’t get and that He’s kept us
from instead of all that He gave and protected us from!! I’ve missed out on so
many opportunities to praise Him and show gratitude instead of attitude. Oh,
the irony.
No mas.
Because of this situation, Dad, Josh, Isaac, and I are so blessed,
really; not cursed like I so often joke!
All of it…the hurt, the fear, the regrets, the grief, the envy…every
moment served as a blazing furnace of answered prayers testing and refining our
faith. And even though Jesus answered in
the most unexpected ways, He’s clearly been standing beside us this entire
time. It’s no longer secondhand knowledge. Each of us now intimately know God as our Provider, our Strong Deliverer, the
Great I Am, Mighty Warrior, King of Kings, Comforter, Bringer of Peace, and so
much more. We have been given this great
privilege of experiencing firsthand
all of these incredible sides of Him because of your choices, regardless of motive
<3 Again, nothing. Is. Wasted. I surrender
my fear and celebrate instead. He’s not
finished. It’s not over yet. And that’s totally ok. I’m moving forward again :) And I might just get to know even more of our
Lord <3 And you just might, too, I
pray. In Jesus’ Name <3
“A righteous person may fall seven times, but he gets up again.”
–Proverbs 24:16
;)
