Be Brave

Isaiah 31GOD’S WORD Translation (GW)

The Lord, Not the Egyptians, Will Protect His People from Assyria

    How horrible it will be for those
    who go to Egypt for help,
    who rely on horses,
    who depend on many chariots,
    who depend on very strong war horses.
        They don’t look to the Holy One of Israel.
        They don’t seek the Lord.
2             He is wise and can bring about disaster.
            He doesn’t take back his words.
            He rises against wicked people
                and against those who help troublemakers.
3 The Egyptians are humans, not gods.
    Their horses are flesh and blood, not spirit.
When the Lord uses his powerful hand,
    the one who gives help will stumble,
        and the one who receives help will fall.
            Both will die together.

4 This is what the Lord said to me:

A lion, even a young lion, growls over its prey
    when a crowd of shepherds is called to fight it.
        It isn’t frightened by their voices
            or disturbed by the noise they make.
So the Lord of Armies will come to fight for
    Mount Zion and its hill.
5 The Lord of Armies will defend Jerusalem like a hovering bird.
    He will defend it and rescue it.
    He will pass over it and protect it.
6 You people of Israel, return to the one
    whom you have so violently rebelled against.
7 When that day comes, all of you will reject
    the silver and gold idols
        that your sinful hands have made.
8 Then Assyrians will be killed with swords not made by human hands.
    Swords not made by human hands will destroy them.
They will flee from battle,
    and their young men will be made to do forced labor.
9 In terror they will run to their stronghold,[a]
    and their officers will be frightened at the sight of the battle flag.

The Lord declares this. His fire is in Zion and his furnace is in Jerusalem.

We have done so much wrong.  We have caused the other to hurt so deeply, however intentional or unintentionally.  Dad and I always considered your past wounds, but had no idea how to navigate them.  I took so much of your behavior towards me, in particular, too personally. Rather than faulting the patterns of the past you spent 16 years living and recognizing your rejection for what it really was (fear of getting too close to the one relationship you genuinely crave...a mother...), I focused my energy on the behavior itself and making sense of "why me".  And I kick myself as I replay hindsight and realize only now that you were mistaking my frustration as though I didn't really love you or desire a relationship with you.  This crushes me.

But perhaps the biggest mistake we have both made, Lucy, is that we've relied way too much on people and systems to defeat and redeem a situation that only God's Powerful Hand can.  And while these people and systems are still trying to help you, they will stumble.  They will come up short.  I pray without ceasing that you won't fall with them.

Whether you choose to return to our family or not, Sweet Girl, I plead for you to return to God.  He is the One you have offended. He is the One Who brought you out of Ukraine and gave you this new life that you walked away from because it was uncomfortable...because it challenged you to face all of the sore spots within you.  He is the One Who is trying to restore your broken heart...and only He can.  Having a mother and a father and people to call "family" are certainly important, but we are still just flesh and blood.  Seeking wise counsel from a trained professional certainly is helpful, but the counselor is still just flesh and blood.  The attention and affection from an attractive boy is a wonderful feeling, but he is still just flesh and blood.  Houses, cars, education, money, beauty...it's all a blessing to have, but it's just material and completely incapable of wholly distracting any of us from the aches in our souls.  

You can flit from family to family, place to place, in search of the right fit...but you would only be perpetuating the very cycle that you're longing to escape from.  You want a new life, I know.  You want a change, of course.  But clearly there hasn't been a lack of new doors or opportunities to change.  God has been so gracious in providing so much of this for you.  However, if you want to open a new door, to write a new chapter for your life, it is you that's in your way.  You will have to choose at some point to walk away from the old doors, the old ways that are easy, that are comfortable, that you continue to rely on and go back to.  If you continue to writhe under rules intended to protect you and fight for your freedom no matter the cost...you'll always feel unprotected.  If you continue to run from and betray people who prove that they're invested in you and care deeply for you simply because you are uncomfortable and afraid to get too invested yourself for fear of being rejected...you'll always end up alone and on your own.  If your focus remains on material wealth and beauty and status in this world, that's all you'll attain--and you'll always have that emptiness inside you that can't be fulfilled.  

Jesus has never left you, Loo.  He has always been present for every moment of your life "like a hovering bird".  He will defend you.  He will rescue you.  He will pass over us and protect us.  Be brave.  Return to Him and reject all of these other things and ways of operating that you have been looking to instead of Him to fill those empty places inside of you. He will guide you through the unknown.  He will help you through the discomfort and ease your fears along the way. 

And always remember: the enemy wants you stymied.  He wants you to believe that every situation is hopeless; that this is how your life will always be; that no one loves you; that you have to look out for yourself because no one else will.  Choose Jesus and His will and He'll show you what a load of lies those beliefs are--forget all of us trying to convince you.  He has a whole new world waiting for you, Child.  Please, in Jesus' Name, be brave.

I love you always,

Mom

        

Like Job

Ugh.  Ok.  So apparently I've been writing about mysteries I cannot even begin to understand.  The Book of Job has been the topic of discussion between God and I this week, and what another humbling lesson I've learned.  Praise Him that we haven't faced the amount of destruction and testing Job had to, but to a very small degree we still can relate to the anguish he felt.  Also, I (like Job) have spent so much time, energy, and breath trying to make sense of what's happened...trying to defend our good intentions and honest motives to everybody under the sun...trying to write and speak with wisdom and maintain our integrity.  And the poor Lord, I know, has been trying again and again to get it through my thick skull and make it crystal clear that I don't need to do anything, that I can't do anything, that He and He alone is in control of the situation.  But let's face it, girl: I didn't listen.  What child does that?!  Nope.  Rather, I, the "Almighty Heidi" (read sarcasm) have been looking for answers, making claims, and holding onto outcomes publicly and to myself that I've based on the God I've come to know in my totally limited understanding.

Then I boo-hoo when they don't come to fruition.

<face-palm>

I'm worn out because I'm wearing myself out!

Here's the reality.  I don't know everything. I wasn't there when God "laid the foundation of the earth"(Job 38:4).  I haven't "made a channel for the flooding rains" or connected "the chains of the constellation[s]" (38:25, 31).  I can't control lightning or the sea (38).  So, honestly.  Who am I "that belittles...advice [from the One Who does] with words that do not show any knowledge about it?" (38:2).  Who am I to ever find fault with the Almighty God, to argue with Him, or wish to correct Him (40:2)?  Like Job, "I'm so insignificant!!!"

And it's high time I "put my hand over my mouth" (40:4-5)
(That's obviously the godly way of saying, "SHUT UP").

The Book of Job has shown me so much:  1) That good or bad fortune in this world does not reflect our standing before God.  Before satan tested him, Job was a decent man who did all he humanly could to honor God's will for his life and he still lost everything as though he was the most wicked.  Like Job, I feel like we did all we could and still lost everything with you.  Contrarily, pan to you who walked away from God's will and from us and, yet, you seem to be prospering.  I want to be angry, but I can't be.  Fact is, we have all fallen short of His glory (Rom. 3:23).  There is no one better or worse in His eyes, you nor me.  The rain falls and the sun shines on us all as He wills regardless of what we've done or haven't done.  That's what is so great about God!!  We all deserve death and hell and still, He grants us these tender mercies.  I will be praying, however, that you don't mistake your getting what you want as a thumbs up from God regarding the poor choices you've made.  I don't want you to suffer, Loo.  But if suffering now means you'll be spared for eternity, then I pray His hand will be removed from you just long enough that the eyes of your heart will be opened to the eternity He's been trying to give you.

2) Because His worldly blessings are not contingent on our standing, following God...striving to be obedient to His will...doesn't always guarantee honor, blessings, and/or riches here on earth.  As much as I want it sooner than later, I'm not guaranteed to witness the happily ever after I'm hoping for in this life.  When we accepted Jesus and chose to follow Him, we didn't do it for our gain but for His glory.  We do receive a life after this one without pain and full of joy, but Jesus does not equal the "Easy" button here.  I'm only seeing now, through this mess, that living future-tense requires the sacrifice of everything in this life to find our eternity with Him (Matt. 16:25).  No wonder the "road is narrow" (Matt. 7:13).  This following Jesus stuff ain't for the faint of heart. What we do now only matters for...FOREVER...eek.

Lucy.  Our God is a Redeemer.  He is Mighty to save.  For this reason, I will always hope for the best.  But to totally surrender to His will,  I must finally resign my own.  I have to loosely hold out my hopes and dreams for you and us and accept however this story goes.  It's His.  You're His.  I'm letting go.  For reals this time.  My character, my reputation, my everything on this earth may end up being completely crucified.  But I'm not storing up treasures here and now where moths and rust can destroy them anyway...I need to be seeking rewards in Heaven that can be reaped FoReVeR (Matt. 6:19-21).  That's my choice.  However the here and now turns out.  And I will never cease praying that you'll be there reaping them with me <3

Hoping our story ends as well as Job's eventually did, but am finally ok if it doesn't.
Love you, Sweet Girl.
Mom

Signed and Sealed...Waiting for Delivery

My head has chosen long ago to forgive you, but my heart is clearly still catching up.  Any time I make progress or a declaration of faith...BAM.  Something new happens that threatens my breakthrough.  I can almost hear a teacher making the announcement in my thoughts, "This week, class, we'll be focusing on coping with your addiction to approval...
...via the brutal slaying of your reputation and character."
A friend of ours shared with me the latest of Rose Family rumors that was rashly shared with her by a shelter volunteer that works directly with you (small towns).  Apparently, you were adopted and horribly mistreated by your family (aka. us)...the details too personal to share, but your story is "such a sad and unfortunate one".

Come. On. Lucy.

Really?!

Aside from the frustration I feel towards the shelter, still buying what you're selling (and now selling what you're selling) regardless of all of the back history about you and us that we openly shared from the beginning of our journey until now...and the "All-Clear" we received from the Police, CPS, and the Department of Homeland Security for crying out loud...I have never been so offended in my life.  Our family isn't perfect.  We made and continue to make mistakes that we regret.  We're human.  I did lose my temper with you.  Dad maybe did go a bit overboard on rules to protect you.  We certainly weren't experts on the ins and outs of international adoptions, or teenagers for that matter, and definitely could have sought out more information and support.  But the moment we met you, Lucy, you were immediately sealed as 100% daughter in our hearts and minds.  We did nothing but love you the best way we knew how.  Yet, you remain bent on making us out to be monsters....  It's like ripping our hearts out of our chests wasn't enough...you need to stomp on them now, too.

It has been the most difficult to bite my tongue.  I want nothing more than to defend our honor, to continue to prove again and again the purity of our motives.  I want those working with you to see the whole picture and not just for our benefit, but for yours!  There are so many holes in your story as is...you no doubt need help coping with something.  Genuine healing will just continue to be delayed because of all of the smoke and mirrors you've learned to hide behind!  And I am so over-the-top dismayed that you've now twisted our story together into just another stumbling block!  God delivered you in the most miraculous way from a life that was without much hope at all, and rather than running with that beginning into a happily ever after...you have chosen to throw it all away and start anew...in one of the most hopeless places here...??!
It's no wonder people question our integrity.
I'd question it, too!
It's almost easier for us to believe that we were awful than to accept that you would be so foolish!!

Ugh. I just want to be free of this insanity.

But regardless of what you think, what they think, what we think...we have to hold on to the fact that God knows it all.  Only He's been present every minute.  Only He saw every wound you actually took and every wound you've given.  He can even see past the red we're struggling to, past the frustration, past the resentment, and into the reality buried beneath it all that Dad and I ultimately still want healing for you, Child.
I am tired.  I am downright worn out thinking about it all.  I do wish some days that we could go back to B.L. on our timeline.  But tough ta-hoots for me.  Just as though you were biologically ours, I accept that we will never be free of the responsibility God has given us to love you and to pray for you no matter the circumstances.  That's a miracle in itself, really--that God has imprinted you on our hearts this way, painful as it is right now.

It's solely HIS responsibility to deliver you, however, and He has already planned exactly how.  For this reason, I will press on with praise, surrendered and grateful yet again.  He will reveal the truth in His Perfect Timing and restore your broken heart.  ...And our reputation.
Again for this lesson: I just need to let go and let God.  I need to BELIEVE.

Faith as small as a mustard seed...that's all I've got left...

and that's all it takes according to Jesus <3

Cheers to Striving for an Ephesians 4 Life