Missing the Story for the Chapters

I saw this today.  I imagine this pretty much sums up how you feel.  I've been assuming a lot based on the snippet of my experiences with you, then been writing about those assumptions.  I can imagine that's pretty frustrating for you.

I need you to know, Loo, that I finally get it.  And I'm sorry.

Obviously, I'll never fully understand everything...and some of the choices you make will likely continue to drive me nuts because I can't fully understand.  Our family did walk in on only one chapter of your story, and we never got to know even half of it.  You hold the truth close.  And there's probably good reason.  God knows what You've actually been through.  Selfishly, I just wish you would have been brave enough to share all that's happened to you upfront because I do know my heart.  And my heart breaks for the broken.  If you would have opened up to me, I wouldn't have seen the attitude or the promiscuity or the triangulation or the rebellion.  I promise you, I would have seen the beautiful, but hurting, little girl deep inside you hiding behind it all instead.  I tried...try...to see her anyway, but I'm human, too.

When I replied to your hurtful words over Messenger, writing that I care for you a lot but that you've never let me, that's probably the most honest I've been, even with myself.  You did hurt me, Luda, but not in the way you think.  It's not the accusations you make, the lies, the manipulation, or the involvement of CPS or the police or even DHS years ago that I'm trying to get over.  It's the time you took away when you left.  It wasn't fair of me to expect your trust right away.  That needed to be earned over time...a long time.... But you only gave our family less than one year.  We, nor you, showed one another near enough grace.  Because of my education in psychology, I was prepared for adopting a teenager to be hard, but knowing something and living it are two different beasts.

Please understand that you judged our story on one chapter, too.  And that chapter could have been entitled, "Learning Curve".  Learning curves are never fun for anyone--I'm so bummed that you never got to experience the best side of us, nor did we of you :(

That's what hurts the most.  I never got to see your heart, but because I know ours I did see what could have been and I continue to grieve what you won't let be.  You may have given us a chance, Loo, but you never gave us a fighting chance.

All I knew to do once you left, was to fight for us both.  That's what these letters were meant to be-- my heart's cry to the Lord for restoration; a connection to you when/if you ever wanted it.  They were never meant to irritate you or offend you or cause you trouble or to garner attention for myself.  They were purposed to take back just a piece of the time you stole when you chose never to return to us, to prove to you that I meant what I said to you over and over: that I love you no matter what.  Because I do!  And I don't have to know you intimately to feel this way because God answered my prayers before you ever stepped foot in our lives to give me His heart for the child he brought to us.

I'm not blind; I've seen what you've done.  I'm not dumb either; hence, I tread carefully whenever you do reach out, and truthfully, I'm not all that anxious to let you back in to every facet of our lives.  But nothing you've done or do or say, nor the way I feel from one day to the next, changes my decision.  I chose to love you, Luda, because Jesus does.  And I've never stopped.

That's my truth.

Taking a Stand

You may feel you made a mistake, choosing our family to adopt you from Ukraine.  But I don't.  You may want me to stop writing "stupid stuff" on this blog and to let you go.  But I won't.  You want to move forward and live the life you've chosen for yourself here, and that's great.  I have no plans of getting in the way.  Every other time you've asked me to leave you alone, I've respected your request.  And every time you've come back of your own volition and contacted me again, I've opened my arms to you.  And I will continue to.  Not because I particularly like being accused of being fake or a horrible mother, but because of the confidence I have in God's love that never gives up and always breaks through.  I don't write this blog for the you of today, Lucy.  I write for the precious baby in the picture you left behind; the tiny untainted heart made to love and be loved.  I write for the you after God grabs hold of your heart and opens your eyes.  I write for Ludmilla.

Other people may have cowered to your threats; they may have given up on you when you made up stories about them or said hurtful things...and understandably so.  God knows I face that temptation every time you push back.  It's awful and irritating and unfair.  But I'm no longer seeking your approval or anyone else's; I have His.  And although I'll always want it, I'm no longer in need of your love because I have His.

You can choose whether to read my letters to you or to never read them again...no one is forcing you to type this address into your search bar.  But it's my choice to continue writing them.  When the Lord brought you into our lives, I didn't know my role.  I made a lot of mistakes from a place of fear and insecurity.  But since, I've found secure footing in my identity in Christ and an awareness of the gifts He's poured into me of mercy and prayer and perseverance.  I may never be your mother in the earthly sense.  I may never get to see you again or talk with you or write back and forth.  I'll likely miss out on big events like your wedding and first baby.  And that's ok.  The only purpose of me that I'm sure of is to die to myself, my flesh that wants to scream, my pride that wants to defend myself and know better for you, and to remain steadfast in my love for you regardless just as Jesus would.  This blog is the only means I have left to keep my heart open before you, even when you walk away and even when I sometimes have to just to catch my breath.

You might be right that I don't know what's best for you, that I don't know you, your desires, or your heart, and I'm totally ok if you never want to see or talk to me or the family ever again.  I respect you as a person, uniquely created and autonomous.  God gave us all the gift of freedom, and with that gift, you're free to choose whomever and whatever you want.

So am I.

And I continue to choose you because He does.   I will continue to fight for your soul before God and before the world because that's all the more glory God will receive when love wins.  If the enemy inside you continues to squirm when the truth lights up those dark places, or continues to hurl insults and accusations my way...if he continues to steal blessings meant for us, I'll still rejoice.  He'll never touch my joy: my confidence in the Lord regardless of circumstances or feelings.  He can never steal the love God has for me, even through you...and I'll be damned if he ever tries to steal it from you...especially through me.

31 What shall we say about such wonderful things as these? If God is for us, who can ever be against us? 32 Since he did not spare even his own Son but gave him up for us all, won’t he also give us everything else? 33 Who dares accuse us whom God has chosen for his own? No one—for God himself has given us right standing with himself. 34 Who then will condemn us? No one—for Christ Jesus died for us and was raised to life for us, and he is sitting in the place of honor at God’s right hand, pleading for us.

35 Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death? 36 (As the Scriptures say, “For your sake we are killed every day; we are being slaughtered like sheep.”[a]) 37 No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us.

38 And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[b] neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. 39 No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord. 

-Romans 8:31-39

I genuinely do love you, Luda.  May my persistence alone prove it.

Mom

Hard Love

Trading punches with the heart of darkness
Going to blows with your fear incarnate
Never gone until it's stripped away
A part of you has gotta die today

In the morning you gon' need an answer
Ain't nobody gonna change the standard
It's not enough to just feel the flame
You've gotta burn your old self away

Hold on tight a little longer
What don't kill ya, makes ya stronger
Get back up, 'cause it's a hard love
You can't change without a fallout
It's gon' hurt, but don't you slow down
Get back up, 'cause it's a hard love

You know the situation can't be right
And all you ever do is fight
But there's a reason that the road is long
It takes some time to make your courage strong

Hold on tight a little longer
What don't kill ya, makes ya stronger
Get back up, 'cause it's a hard love
You can't change without a fallout
It's gon' hurt, but don't you slow down
Get back up, 'cause it's a hard love

When the wolves come and hunt me down
I will face them all and stand my ground
'Cause there's a fire burnin' in me
They will see my strength in this love I found

Hold on tight a little longer
What don't kill ya, makes ya stronger
Get back up, 'cause it's a hard love
You can't change without a fallout
It's gon' hurt, but don't you slow down
Get back up, 'cause it's a hard love

It's a hard love, it's a hard love, it's a hard love, it's a hard love
Oh, it's a hard love, it's a hard love, it's a hard love, it's a hard love

Hold on tight a little longer
What don't kill ya, makes ya stronger
Get back up, 'cause it's a hard love
You can't change without a fallout
It's gon' hurt, but don't you slow down
Get back up, 'cause it's a hard love

'Cause it's a hard love

-by Needtobreathe

Narcissism, A Thief

"Narcissism is, simply speaking, self-love, or an excessive interest in one's own appearance, comfort, importance, or abilities.  Narcissists are preoccupied with an idealized image of themselves.  They focus so strongly on themselves and the image they portray that they lose their real self.  Life is a series of events organized to support this idealized image.  Love is out of the picture.  Admiration is all that counts." -Dr. Henry Cloud, Changes That Heal, p.189

As you can probably guess, I'm still on this journey...grieving, a little, but healing even more so now.  You were truly the impetus God used to set so much in motion.  Because of you, I have experienced so much of His heart that I never would have without you.  And while I am beyond grateful for all that I've learned, I've been equally as stuck, hung up on the reality that you chose a life playing pretend than one lived out for real.

After years and likely so many unnecessary troubles, you're still posting pictures of random girls on vacations, driving fancy cars, and with people that look so happy as though they're your own, as though they're you.  And the most frustrating thing for me watching all of this from the outside is that it could have really been you!  Since you left, we moved to a beautiful big house like you always dreamed of; we got a horse like you said you wanted; we went on a cruise and actually saw beaches like the ones you claimed to have visited; we were even in the works of buying and surprising you with a cute car and figuring out how to get you licensed to drive when you were still in our home!  You had it all.  But you never saw any of it because you couldn't see past yourself.  You were focused so strongly on yourself and the image you wanted to portray that you lost your real self.  No doubt, your life has become nothing more than "a series of events organized to support this idealized image" and "love is out of the picture".

Once again, Jesus opened the eyes of my heart even wider.  Oh, how much like you I am towards my Savior even still.  I'm often so preoccupied with what I think life should look like, with my own comfort, and with my abilities (or lack thereof) that I've missed out on so much He's been trying to give me all along.  Love has been pushed aside by an addiction to please others and win the admiration of man...when I already have God's.  What more can I need, when the Maker of Heaven and Earth already approves of me?!

I'm still pleading for your heart, Loo.  As long as you're on this earth, it's never too late and nothing too impossible for God to work out.  For either of us.  May He open your eyes and your heart to all that we tried to do for you and all that He is still doing <3

Praying you're well and that your heart is moving closer and closer, if even little by little, to His.

Mom

When at Rock Bottom

During my time with God this morning, He gave me this Psalm.  He also gave me renewed hope and peace when He whispered to my heart that it was for you <3

"I love the LORD, for He heard my voice;
He heard my cry for mercy.
Because He turned His ear to me,
I will call on Him as long as I live.

The cords of death entangled me,
The anguish of the grave came over me;
I was overcome by distress and sorrow.
Then I called on the Name of the LORD:
'LORD, save me!'

The LORD is gracious and righteous;
Our God is full of compassion.
The LORD protects the unwary;
When I was brought low, He saved me.

Return to your rest, my soul,
For the LORD has been good to you.

For you, LORD, have delivered me from death,
My eyes from tears,
My feet from stumbling,
That I may walk before the LORD
In the land of the living.

I trusted in the LORD when I said,
'I am greatly afflicted';
In my alarm I said,
'Everyone is a liar.'

What shall I return to the LORD
For all His goodness to me?

I will lift up the cup of salvation
And call on the Name of the LORD.
I will fulfill my vows to the LORD
In the presence of all His people.

Precious in the sight of the LORD
Is the death of His faithful servants.
Truly I am Your servant, LORD;
I serve You just as my mother did;
You have freed me from my chains.

I will sacrifice a thank offering to You
And call on the Name of the LORD.
I will fulfill my vows to the LORD
In the presence of all His people,
In the courts of the house of the LORD--
In your midst, Jerusalem.

Praise the LORD." -Psalm 116

I pray, in Jesus' Name, you will cry out to God just like this--that these will be your words one day soon--that you will find healing and rest from your brokenness--that you will be freed from your chains and lift up the cup of His salvation and fulfill the greater purpose He has for your amazing testimony <3
I love you, Lucy.
Mom

Hardened but Never Hopeless

Oh, Loo.  I have no more words.  It seems Jesus was right to give us Mark 9:14-29 years ago.  What rules you "since childhood", what continues to throw you into one figurative fire after another, "can be forced out only by prayer".  Time and again you come back into our lives only to walk out when you either don't get what you want, or you're faced with reality...and sometimes both.  And reality is, you're still creating story after story, preying on one person, one family, one facility after another, seeking to quench an insatiable thirst inside of you for attention...to be wanted...to be loved...that only God Himself can fill.

I'll say it again as I have so many times before: You are wanted.  You are loved.  You have our attention.  And above all, you have His.

When these demons that bind you finally run you into rock bottom, I hope you'll read these letters and finally see, genuinely repent, and wholeheartedly accept it all and believe!  While hope may be lost for any communication or a relationship with you right now,  I'm still firmly holding on to hope in God "who turned the rock into a pool, the hard rock into springs of water" (Psalm 114:8).  Your heart, however hardened, is never too far out of God's power and ability to transform it from one of stone, to one of flesh (Ezekiel 36:26).  Daily, I'll continue to fight for you in prayer.

"Not to us, LORD, not to us, but to Your Name be the glory, because of Your love and faithfulness." -Psalm 115:1

With His Love,
Mom

The Eyes of The Heart

It's not what you see with your eyes, but what you see with your heart that changes you.

-Drew Worsham

This statement resonated with me since I heard it two weeks ago...just days after you wrote me asking us for forgiveness.  Forgiveness is such a simple word with so many different meanings, isn't it?  We can accidentally step in someone's way and flippantly say "I'm sorry" and they forgive us.  Siblings can punch each other and say hurtful things and be forced to apologize to and begrudgingly forgive one another.  Spouses can get into heated discussions and seek forgiveness after they've both cooled off.  But what about the kind of forgiveness that happens without an apology from the offending party?  Without a nagging voice making us do it when everything in us doesn't want to?  Smack dab in the middle of all the figurative heat and with absolutely nothing to gain for ourselves? 

What about forgiveness for the person who hurt us, who may still be hurting us?  

A forgiveness like Jesus has for the whole world....

Ugh...and what about all that His Word says on forgiveness: like forgiving over and over, even when someone continues to offend us, then apologizes, just to offend us again and again (Luke 17:3-4).  And not JUST forgiving them repeatedly, but being kind and compassionate to them!!!! ...And the whole reality that if we don't forgive, not only will our hearts be defiled by bitterness and turn us into extremely miserable people, but our own pardon before God is at stake, because before God we're no better (Col. 3:13; Mark 11:25). 

?!

Still finding that following Jesus isn't for the faint at heart.  Bleh.

In anger, you texted months ago that I'm "walking around like [I'm] some angel when [I'm] not", and you are so right, Lucy.  I'm not.  I am 100% human...most of the time nothing more than a bone bag.  And that carnal side of me that can only see with my eyes, is totally conflicted when it comes to you.  On one hand, I am so overjoyed that communication with you has been restored!!!  On the other, I'm suspicious...why the sudden change of heart?  And if it's so changed and you so badly want a family, why don't you want to meet up with us when you're coming back to San Angelo to visit in just a few weeks?  Why are you not ready for us to meet your boyfriend that you credit for so much of your happiness right now? Why won't you allow anything I post on your Facebook wall to stay?  Is the story you shared with us about the Housers really what happened? Are you only coming back to us because you can no longer turn to them?

I am more than ready to be on the other side of this and more than willing to trust God for another miracle in our storyline with you.  Yet, this doesn't negate all my worry that re-engaging may only serve to invite more trouble instead...and just when we found light at the end of a very dark, very long tunnel. 

Definitely no angel here.  There's so much going on in my brain!!!!  

Praise God that I'm not being led by my brain, but by His heart.  Of course I hope that one day, you'll see and believe my affection for you, Loo.  But up until this point, it hasn't been me you're resenting, or who you think others are wrongly perceiving, at. all.  All of the love I've maintained for you, the mercy, the grace, any hope, any courage...anything good is solely from God's Holy Spirit pouring daily into my heart.  Jesus has been doing some heavy-lifting ;)  Forgiving you hasn't been simple for me.  It wasn't a one-time decision.  It started with a choice long ago...apart from you...for my own sake...and continues to be an ongoing process that I'm contending with daily for us both.  And it's the you I see with Christ's heart that has ultimately changed me and that keeps me going when the going gets tough.  You are worth more than gold...worth all of the risk; your journey will be such a powerful testimony for His glory and kingdom.  <3 

I pray, in Jesus' Name, that His love breaks through. May He open the eyes of your heart, too, so you can clearly see all of us who have tried our best to love you as He does, so you'll have the strength to fully forgive the rest who truly and deeply hurt you, and so you'll finally find freedom from this pain that so tightly binds you and blinds you.

I love you, Sweet Girl.

Mom

Birthday Girl

Your birthday is coming up :)  Just three more days until you celebrate 19 years of life!!  Happy birthday, Loo!!!  You still have nothing to do with us, but our faithful God continues to make sure we have plenty to do for you.  Although life has moved forward and our hearts have pretty much healed, although we have respected your desire to stay out of your life and can be thankful for the peace, prayers for you to come back to Him have never stopped.  How apropos that Hosea 1 & 2 were on the docket for me to study this week. It as though the Lord has served up new prayers for you--praise Him for never giving up on either of us <3

Like Israel, you have gone after others in search of something you think will be better.  And like Israel, you'll discover that there is never anything better than a life within God's will.  You are chasing after lovers and dreams but probably not catching them...for long anyway.  How awesome it would be if, like Israel, you decided to come back home, if you saw our hearts that have only wanted the best for you!!!  But I fear, also like Israel, you would still be distracted by us...thinking we were the ones who gave you a second chance, who gave you a family, a home, food, and clothes.  

"She has not acknowledged that I was the One Who gave her the grain, the new wine and oil, Who lavished on her the silver and gold--which [she] used for Baal." -Hosea 2:8

As much as I'd love to see you again, and to have a daughter by my side, we are still not your final answer.  God has always been The One, Sweet Girl.  He is the One pursuing you.  He is the One that gives and Who takes away.  And while I pray against the dreams and love you chase right now, it's so the depths of your heart will be exposed to you so you will finally see that He is the One to fill all of those empty places inside of you.  You have turned away, but God never will.  Even when it feels like every door slams shut in your face, every plan for your future flops, or everything you ever wanted keeps getting stripped away, God has still got you <3

"...no one will take her out of My hands." -Hosea 2:10c

It's your birthday, but He has given me the greatest gift of renewed hope that you're not too far out of His reach.  This will be my ongoing prayer for you:

"'Therefore I [God] am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the wilderness and speak tenderly to her. There I will give her back her vineyards, and will make the Valley of Achor a door of hope.  There she will respond as in the days of her youth, as in the day she came up out of Egypt. In that day,' declares the LORD, 'you will call me "my husband"; you will no longer call me "my master." I will remove the names of the Baals from her lips; no longer will their names be invoked. ...I will betroth you to me forever; I will betroth you in righteousness and justice, in love and compassion.  I will betroth you in faithfulness, and you will acknowledge the LORD. ...I will show my love to the one I called "Not my loved one"...and they will say, "You are my God."'" -Hosea 2:14-23

May Jesus finally take His rightful throne on your heart.

Love Always,

Mom

Happily Ever After

It's ironic.  We rang in the New Year with the old you, making it clear all over again that you have no more use or desire for our family.  And yet, God continues to use you to grow our family's desire for Him :)  I spent most of last year mourning your loss, hoping in Jesus' power to move our mountains.  I dreamt up the perfect Academy Award-winning close to our journey that brought you back home and the five of us closer than ever, actively serving God by caring for more of His orphans. And because I believed I was asking within His will, I've been waiting anxiously for this huge miraculous moment to come. 

It seemed we were getting close.  We were doing ok.  We were messaging back and forth again.  I was given the opportunity to explain our perspective and why Dad and I made the choices we did while you were still home with us, clarifying our position and good intentions and apologizing for any hurt our ignorance caused. You seemed to understand.  You even told me you love us still!!  I was over-the-moon!  Hope was again restored. 

Then it suddenly wasn't. 

I was so frustrated with God, allowing me to taste the possibility of restoration but then allowing you to stray so far.  Didn't He want a happy ending, too?  Wouldn't it be a powerful testimony for His glory as well as our joy? He's been answering this question for me, and I nearly missed it. 

"I've spent way too much time sidelined by certain pain, trying to dissect it and figure it out, instead of experiencing Christ's sufficient grace and perfect power in the midst of it" (Minter, p.180).

He has given our story a happy ending.  Maybe not a traditional one, but an incredibly powerful testimony for His glory nonetheless!  I've been so busy looking for more flashy signs and miracles that I overlooked the many subtle ones: the grace He's given us to love you and others despite the hurt and fear left in your wake; the courage He gave us to pursue you from the start, and then again, and to consider adopting even still; the mercy He provided to forgive you in those carnal moments we just wanted to forget you, and in the forgiveness of ourselves when faced with our own mistakes; and the soothing words He continues to bring our way that have helped to heal our broken hearts. 

Yes.  Mountains have been moved, however discreetly this time.  Praise Him for His power that has been so perfect in our weakness <3

Word on the street is you have left San Angelo.  While I grieve the loss of what could have been, I will finally move forward, too.  There will always be a place for you in my heart and our family, Loo.  But I don't want to miss out on a new assignment from God because I can't let go of you...and the truth I've most recently learned is, "the people we love are most blessed when we release them to the Lord.  And so are we." (Minter, p.192). 

You're His.  You always have been.  May you one day come to see just how mightily the Lord has worked around you and for you and even through you.

...and may that finally be enough.

Love Always.




"Is the proof of Jesus' hand on our lives found only in big money, big deals, flashes of fame, and our biggest dreams coming true?  Or is the proof of His power also found in us when we are given grace to love the unlovely, adopt a child when we're scared to death, forgive when it flies in the face of our gut reaction, and hear His Holy Spirit whisper tender words of affirmation to our broken hearts?

The Church at Corinth [re: 2 Corinthians] was still looking for Paul to come with showy signs and demonstrative expressions of power, maybe even wealth.  I think we sometimes look for the same types of things in our lives to decide if Jesus is really present in us--or in someone else.  ...Dear follower of Christ, make sure you're not judging the proof of God's hand on your life merely by outward, materialistic blessings. ...oftentimes His greatest display of power in our lives is in our places of loneliness, battles with infirmities, and painful losses.  Whether you're feeling weak or strong, hide yourself as weak in Christ, as a child is weak when resting in her father's arms.  This is where we'll find the true strength to love God and serve others." -Kelly Minter, All Things New Study Guide, p.199-200.

For Your Sake

"Therefore, since we have this ministry through the mercy we have received, we do not lose heart.  But we have renounced the secret things of shame, not walking in craftiness nor handling the Word of God deceitfully, but by expressing the truth and commending ourselves to every man's conscience in the sight of God.  But if our gospel is hidden, it is hidden to those who are lost. ...But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, the excellency of the power being from God and not from ourselves.  We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down but not destroyed; and always carrying around in the body the death of the Lord Jesus, that also the life of Jesus might be expressed in our bodies.  For we who live are always delivered to death for Jesus' sake, that also the life of Jesus might be manifested in our mortal flesh.  So then, death works in us, but life in you.  ...All these things are for your sakes..." (2 Co. 4)

You draw close, then pull away.  You say and write the most hopeful words, then the most hurtful.  My flesh always wants to scream back...always wants to defend myself to you.  But there is no defense against lost.  Yet, it is for your sake and Jesus' glory that I go back into the crossfire again and again, taking your hits over and over; the willpower and perseverance not from me but from God for you.  It is for your sake.  We have been troubled on every side, but He has been our help and our shield; we hope and trust in Him to deliver us and to deliver you (Ps.33:20-22). We are incredibly perplexed, but we serve a God Who knows every strand of hair on your head (Luke 12:7).  He alone can see inside your heart and mind and has the power to transform you (1 Chron. 28:9; Ps. 139:1; Jer. 17:10; Luke 8:26-39).  We have been persecuted and continue to be...most often at your hand..., but the Lord continues to preserve us and strengthen our hearts as we wait on Him to carry out His plans (Ps. 31:23-24).

We are constantly being asked to die to ourselves...to die to our dream of having a healthy relationship with you...to die to our desire for the world's approval...to die to our desire for vengeance...to die to our desire for recognition and admission of any wrong from you...to die to the desire for reconciliation.  But with each death, with each break in our "jars of clay" more of Jesus' Spirit pours through.  I have grown from this mess, no doubt.  But it has not been for my gain that we adopted you or that I continue to pray for, write to, or engage with you.  I pray, in His Name, that all of this "death works in us" for "life in you"!!

I long for the scales to be removed from your eyes once and for all so you can see how desperately God wants you, Luda.  I recognized long ago that your given name, Lyudmila, means "dearly loved by the people".  You are dearly loved, Child: by people, by us...by the Living God.  You asked Jesus to come into your life.  You chose to announce your decision to the world by being baptized.  But the blessings of His protection and transforming power are for those who choose to accept His way and His will over their own.  This means dying to yourself for Jesus' sake.  This means being uncomfortable and letting your guard down.  It means admitting you have lied and manipulated to get what you want.  It's admitting that you don't have all of the answers and that you need help.  It's admitting that you crave to be accepted and loved.

Your anger and wrath hides nothing.  Anyone that has spent any amount of time with you sees the ashamed, embarrassed, hurting, broken, and lost girl you're trying to protect.  We already see you!! And, (for what little it's worth) we have already forgiven and accepted you.  But, most importantly (as you have written), God sees all.  And He has already forgiven you <3  He's just waiting for you to recognize your need for Him, to stop living life your way, and to start surrendering to and trusting in His. There are no angels on this earth, Loo.  We all fall short of God's glory (Romans 3:23).  That's why we all need Jesus!

There is no need to feel embarrassed or less than.  There is no shame or condemnation for those in Christ (Romans 8:1).  May you come to see the grace and the love I'm trying so hard to extend to you for what it is: 100% genuine and from God Himself.