At the Edge of Bethesda

Lie after lie continues to unravel. I think you forget that we live in a small town. A small town where people know people who know people and who talk about such people's kids to that kid's people. I can't decide yet if this is an advantage or disadvantage, as I'm almost at that point where I don't always want to know everything you're up to. But I trust that, in the end, God is using all of these revelations to our great advantage. After all, everyone's dirt has to rise to the surface before it can be washed away....

I'm admittedly baffled though. You go to school and you come home. There's nothing in between (other than riding the bus). And I'm here to welcome you in the afternoons, so I'm certain that's all. ...I mean, when could you possibly make any trouble? We're always encouraging you to invite friends over or to arrange a group to meet at the movies or the bowling alley, yet you always turn your nose up at these ideas insisting that you're fine at home doing nothing with us (even when it's obvious you're painfully bored and complaining of being so). ...I know the friends are real because I've seen all of the cute selfies you've taken together. They seem like awesome friends, too! And you often claim now that we're an awesome family...so why on God's green earth would you choose to suffer boredom before allowing us to be even slightly involved in that part of your life. ?!

Now, it's clear why.

You have spun a tangled web of stories that I'm sure you can't even keep up with. Stories that benefit only you, even if they cast an ugly light...or a completely false light on your honestly beautiful reality. You say you have a boyfriend, when you don't. That you're sleeping with him, when you're not. You brag about having things we don't actually own. You tell people we're going to amazing places we're not going to. You tell us that you needed over $100 of soccer-related gear to practice for soccer auditions, that you never went to (but you still made up quite the tale about how badly tryouts went, complete with funny things that happened to the other girls playing). It's a cray-cray compulsion!!

Our minds are always spinning wondering what we should do to affect a real change...how do we deal with this...are we wrong for being angry....is it humanly possible not to be angry at this?? Yesterday morning, God was again faithful to douse the flames of our frustration with this behavior through Psalm 5. He is not a God Who takes pleasure in wickedness, Lucy. Evil will never be His guest. We can't do anything but lay our needs at His feet every morning and wait. Although nothing that comes from your mouth right now seems to be truthful and destruction bubbles out of your heart...despite how incredibly flattering you've been to us on the surface...your own schemes will be your downfall, Sweet girl.

...If you don't stop....

John 5 refers to a man that had been sick for 38 years. 38 years (!!) of just lying under a porch near a pool (that brings healing), held back by excuses and blaming others for his persisting condition. It's no wonder Jesus asked the question, "Would you like to get well?" It seems the answer would be obvious for a man that was paralyzed for so long, but this man had seemingly grown content with being a victim. Jesus, in His great mercy, healed the undeserving man anyway...but how did the man repay him? By returning to his old bad habit of blaming others by implicating Jesus when the Pharisees were being ridiculous themselves!! ...Even after Jesus warned him saying, "You're well now.  Stop sinning so something worse doesn't happen to you."

Like the paralyzed man, Lucy, you've been broken for many years...a victim of your unfortunate past. You've become accustomed to hiding behind the excuse of it all--your Mom and Dad and Grandma's death that left you orphaned--your foster parents who were awful to you and returned you--your brothers and sister because they moved on in life without you. You even believe your own contrived thoughts, however misled you might be, blaming your American host parents for not choosing you--Ilona for ruining your reputation--us for not making you feel like part of a family.... You're doing your best to act otherwise, but we see through it all. You have unquestionably faced more than you should have, Precious One. And of course you would be deeply hurt and affected by all of it! But, would you like to get well? Or are you content in your condition?? Because the truth is, that Jesus, in His great mercy towards you, already made you well when you chose Him, Daughter! God is no longer disgusted with you, as you have been made perfect and blameless in His sight <3 You are beautiful in ours, too. It's solely your decisions that continue on as if nothing has changed when everything has that's so hard for us to swallow.

Man. How God must feel watching all of us do the very same...<convicted>

Like Jesus exemplified, we will continue to do our best to warn you...to encourage you to turn back whenever we can...to pray that you'll jump into the "pool" instead of toeing the water...but the choice is still 100% yours. Will you continue to act as though you're still "paralyzed"? Or will you check your pride at the door, start taking responsibility for your actions, and truly surrender all to Him? There is no one that's going to answer for you before Him in the end but you, Lucy. In the meantime, Dad and I will take refuge in Jesus and go ahead of His answers with praise, as we pray for more of those moments when you triumph in Him.

They will happen because He loves you, Lucy.
And we do, too <3

Turning Tables

     We took another dive on this rollercoaster relationship ride.  And our first reaction is always a bad one.  If someone took our picture right at the "drop", they might capture Dad throwing something and me pulling out my hair.  Or, Dad buying you an airplane ticket and me arranging our own escape.  Not really, but you get the gist.  It's a blessed process shaping you...but a super frustrating one that requires SO much shaping of ourselves.
     There's this decorative red lantern in your and your brothers' bathroom.  I don't know what it represents to you or what memory it triggers, but when you arrived here you took issue with it...an issue you'd never admit to when I would confront you about it.  Yet, I would find it hidden up high on a bookshelf in the playroom, then hidden out of sight above the medicine cabinet in the bathroom.  Whenever I would put it back, I would find it moved again somewhere new and concealed.  After your major heart shift in August and your decision for Jesus, however, this strange behavior just stopped...completely out of the blue.  The lantern has gone three months unmoved, basking in its decorative role.
Until last week, when I found it missing once again and retrieved it from under the sink.
So weird. <"drop" photo face: bewildered>
I immediately flashed back to the mess of our relationship B.C. (Before your decision for Christ).  Dread overwhelmed me.  I somehow knew in my gut that this declared another spiritual war.  I prayed over the lantern and your room and every other room in our home loudly.  I asked for God to shed light on the darkness threatening you.  And I warned Dad that the red flags were back up.
God wasted no time delivering a clue.  Last week, our "spy" app revealed several inappropriate deleted texts on your phone, inappropriate pictures, a secret email account that you had somehow set up for yourself (even though internet and most apps were disabled), attempted calls to an unknown number in Ukraine, among other things that crossed every line we drew when we showed grace and gave you a second chance to be trusted this past fall.
     Our hearts sunk and our frustration flared.  You've been so wonderful at home: helpful, considerate, thoughtful, and generous.  Sure, there were little things here and there (missing money, white lies, and boy-crazy giggles--typical teenager stuff), but nothing to indicate the grand scale of deception that was really going on behind the scenes.  It hurt.  Not your choices so much, as we expect a learning curve (People don't magically change overnight just because they became a Christian), but your decision to take advantage of our grace and outright abuse it while having a smile on your face the whole time.  It's crazy.  Literally.  It makes us question everything...what's real Lucy and what's not?  Does Lucy have a conscience?
     And, of course, when Dad confronted you about it all (calmly, with love and concern) you took little responsibility despite the evidence in his hands that clearly proved your guilt.  <photo face: red cheeks, bulging eyeballs, and steam blowing out of ears>  Naturally, we then became the evil enemy again, destroying all of your hopes and dreams that were obviously stored in your iPhone 6.
     I don't get it.  Were we wrong to fight this battle?  Was it a losing one?  After all, she may act 12 but she is 17.  Maybe we should give up on these behaviors for the sake of peace in the home and our relationship with you.  These were all of the thoughts racing through my head as I prepared the bathwater to throw out with the baby.  Thank Jesus He came to the rescue again.  Dad's devotion for that day:

"Interestingly, it's actually through conflict that we can find real peace.

For example, when someone walks into a dark place and turns on a bright

light, it changes the entire dynamic. Through this conflict, through this

disagreement, the ultimate unity will come. Why? Because as a Christian, you

make people aware of their sin-and they don't like it one bit. You don't

even have to say anything, really. You're just being you as a Christian.

So don't be upset because there is a little conflict. Just hold your ground

and keep praying. This division can result in people thinking about their

souls, considering the claims of Christ, and then ultimately turning their

lives over to the Lord."

The very same day, I was reading in John 2:13-25 about Jesus throwing the merchants and moneychangers out of the Temple courtyard.  Devotion for His Father's house consumed Him, leading Him to dump their coins and turn over all of their tables in a righteous rage. It hit me: our bodies are God's Temple now (1 Co. 6:19-20).  And you were behaving in a way that was defiling your body and reputation.  The frustration we feel inside really is rooted in our devotion for our Father and for you, Lucy.  We needed to turn over your tables.  It's not the fun part of parenting, that's for sure.  But I see now that regardless of your reaction or opinion of us, our fight is justified.  The fight is our call...the whole reason God brought you to us...to intercede for you...to show you a tangible example of His Love and Grace...to be vessels through which He can deliver His Light into your life.  We often do a crummy job, yet I recognize now that it's not us you don't like; it's His conviction.  When the Holy Spirit shines into our darkness, we all squirm because it's far from comfortable.  But the battle isn't lost.  In fact, it's already been won <3  You're not finished yet.  We're not finished yet.  Jesus is taking us all to the cleaners.  ...SOOOO much shaping...

Love you, Lucska <3

Mom

What it Means

"[Jesus] said to all of them, 'Those who want to come with me must say no to the things they want, pick up their crosses every day, and follow me.  Those who want to save their lives will lose them.  But those who lose their lives for me will save them.  What good does it do for people to win the whole world but lose their lives by destroying them?'" -Luke 9:23-25

     This morning, I had the privilege of witnessing the officiating of 32 adoptions...one of them was a teenaged orphan now the forever daughter of a sweet family that has been such an inspiration to ours.  Like us, they haven't experienced smooth sailing.  They bravely said "Yes" to the unknown, choosing to walk by faith and not by sight.  And because of this choice, they've had to face some mighty storms over the past two years that threatened to sink their hearts.  Praise God that He prevailed!
     Sitting there, listening to their testimony, as well as the other mothers, fathers, sisters, and brothers proclaim their love for children that they chose to call their family, was the perfect healing salve for my own broken heart.
     We have been battered by our fair share of storms, Loo.  Each member of our family has had to face a daily dying to ourselves.  It's so easy to get caught up in the carrying of our crosses that we tend to forget why we ever picked them up in the first place.  Adoption is not easy.  For anybody.  But it has brought my heart the closest to Jesus' than anything I've ever experienced before.  The mercy, the grace, and the love that He calls us to and equips us to extend to you is the very same mercy, grace, and love He extends to us.  It's not natural.  It's not earned.  It's rarely deserved.  And it's powerful.
     God has taken root in your heart and the fruit of His Spirit blossomed these past few weeks.  You came to us after hearing a sermon on the importance of forgiveness in families and courageously asked for ours.  We were so overwhelmed by His Joy...forgiveness has always been yours, Sweet Girl, but for Jesus to allow us to be a part of that moment?!  Incredible.  Then, to hear you follow up that request with your voiced desire to be baptized?!  Who are we that God would handpick us to be your Mom and Dad?  Willing and honored--that's who <3
 

Deep Waters

This morning, as I was reading through Luke, Jesus' interaction with Simon jumped right off the page at me:

So Jesus got into the boat that belonged to Simon and asked him to push off a little from the shore.  ...he told Simon, "Take the boat into deep water, and lower your nets to catch some fish."...After the men had done this, they caught such a large number of fish that their nets began to tear. So they signaled to their partners in the other boat to come and help them.  Their partners came and filled both boats until the boats nearly sank.  When Simon Peter saw this, he knelt in front of Jesus and said, "Leave me, Lord!  I'm a sinful person! ...Jesus told Simon, "Don't be afraid.  From now on you will catch people instead of fish." (Luke 5:3-10)

What a beautiful metaphor this interaction is for the work He still does in us.  When I surrendered my life to God's Sovereignty, His Holy Spirit got into my boat.  He asked me to push off a little from the shore, challenging me in small ways at first.  But it has been those moments He's taken my faith into deep waters that I've experienced the greatest victories  <3  And, like Peter, these overwhelming experiences have brought me to my knees.  I'm always amazed, but humbled that He would...that He could...use a disaster like me for anything important.

I always joke, "His power is made perfect in our weakness.  And I am the weakest!"  Yet, I really have no other explanation for why Jesus keeps thinking that this boat can handle deep waters!!   Throughout the rest of Chapter 5, however, He's found touching (literally) the untouchable (v.12-16), freeing a paralyzed man bound physically and spiritually (v.17-26), openly dining and partnering with society's most sinful (v. 27-32), and calling the religious "elite" on their crap/crystallized thinking (vv. 33-39).

Jesus obviously likes for us to expect the unexpected.  More story for His Glory  ;)

I have spent much of our first months together in fear.  God has performed MIGHTY miracles in your heart and ours, but frankly...it still completely freaks me out that He's called me to this.  I've spent the last two weeks crying out for Him to leave me...to give up on this lost cause that is myself...but His MO is clearly rising to the occasion on behalf of all lost causes.  He has.  And He will continue to.  In my life and in yours.

I pray, Sweet Girl, that you never feel that you're not enough to brave anything He has planned for you.  Take it from your crazy, absent-minded, moody Mama...Jesus is plenty.

I love you <3

True North

When Josh was born, I went to a dark place.  For weeks, I struggled with self-deprecating thoughts and despair.  Where was the joy that all the other moms raved about?  Why was I overwhelmed with dread and anxiety??  I was convinced for a time that I was the worst thing for him because I felt this way--that I didn't deserve him.  I was ashamed and embarrassed.

It's been two months since you returned from Alabama.  And in those two months, you have proved that something inside you has changed.  Whether it be merely your perspective or heart or both (or the changing of ours), you have made a valiant effort to show us appreciation and love.  You think of us daily, helping around the house wherever its needed without us ever asking.  You leave me little love notes around the house to find when I wake up.  You've been sharing more of your day-to-day with us, even when it's about boys you're crushing on.  You've been so respectful of our budget, hesitating to ask for anything extra and always grateful when we do something special for you.  Thank you.  Thank Jesus!!  Unquestionably, a miracle has been performed in your heart!!!

Now, I'm praying for another in mine.

It's nothing you have done or are doing or that you're not doing.  Clearly, you've been meeting us in the middle...even further really!!  And I am so proud of you!!  Yet, this dark cloud hangs over me.  Up until now, adjusting to the adoption has been so chaotic and crazy and more about survival than anything else.  But now that things have settled and we're finding a new normal, I've been sinking emotionally.  Those same self-deprecating thoughts and anxious feelings of dread and despair that I experienced after Joshua's birth have creeped their way back in, seemingly paralyzing any and all growth in me.  Post-adoption depression, I suppose.  Many days, I'm convinced I am the worst thing for you now.  I don't feel I deserve this task God has blessed us with.  I am admittedly so ashamed and so embarrassed of my feelings.  After all, I asked for this!  I prodded your dad relentlessly and prayed without ceasing for the opportunity to adopt! So many people have bent over backwards on your behalf and ours to make all of this happen--what would they think of me?!

A few days ago, I was reading in Mark 10 when verses 35-38 totally helped iron all of this out:

35 James and John, sons of Zebedee, went to Jesus. They said to him, “Teacher, we want you to do us a favor.”

36 “What do you want me to do for you?” he asked them.

37 They said to him, “Let one of us sit at your right and the other at your left in your glory.”

38 Jesus said, “You don’t realize what you’re asking. Can you drink the cup that I’m going to drink?..."

Jesus reminded me through this that, like the disciples, I did eagerly ask for this.  And more specifically, I asked to experience more of and be used for His Glory through the whole process.  

...I just did so without fully realizing what I was asking for.  

So now, like James and John, I'm getting to drink from the cup He drank so to speak.  And it truly is an honor.  I have been so floored by God's showing up and showing out throughout this journey.  I know how amazing it feels now to have the Light of His Face shine down on me!!!  But never have I experienced such a dying to myself than I have since adopting you either.  There is rarely a moment when I'm not recognizing just how selfish I am or how much grace I require as Jesus asks it of me for you.  It certainly isn't easy.  There are those moments of abundant reward, but they're regularly followed by trials, tribulation, and persecution (as we are warned in Mark 10:30). Often at your hands and/or those closest to us.  

The mountaintop moments are of Mt. Everest heights and the valleys are equally as low.  This all has, indeed, been a most incredible paradox: a unique intermingling of joy and suffering that is unlike anything else.  No wonder it's been really hard for me to get my bearings!!  

Mark 14:12-17 reads:

Killing the Passover lamb was customary on the first day of the Festival of Unleavened Bread. The disciples asked Jesus, “Where do you want us to prepare the Passover meal for you?” He sent two of his disciples and told them, “Go into the city. You will meet a man carrying a jug of water. Follow him. When he goes into a house, tell the owner that the teacher asks, ‘Where is my room where I can eat the Passover meal with my disciples?’ He will take you upstairs and show you a large room. The room will be completely furnished. Get everything ready for us there.” The disciples left. They went into the city and found everything as Jesus had told them. So they prepared the Passover. When evening came, Jesus arrived with the twelve apostles.

A seemingly plain part of a grander story that I've read and heard so many times I almost drown it out, but today God used it to wrap up His lesson for me.  When we're doing His will, when we're asking Him what He wants, He goes before us and prepares the way, making sure we're fully equipped for the place He's bringing us to <3  I may be spinning all over the place right now, but He has been and will always be my True North.  

He will always point me back in the right direction.

I guess I need to circle around this tree a few more times (or wander in a desert for 40 years) before I'll finally get it through my thick skull that it's 100% safe to believe He will do what He says He can.  Whatever happens, this plane clearly ain't going down just because she lost visual.  

I know. Some people's moms.  ;)

I love you, Loo.    

Weeds and Mustard Seeds

Sadly, you continue to make choices that go against the very nature God gave you when you chose Him.  It is SO frustrating, to say the least.  It's been difficult for us not to dwell on these choices and grow bitter.  But, as always, Jesus speaks :) Matthew 13:24-43:

A Story about Weeds in the Wheat

24 Jesus used another illustration. He said, “The kingdom of heaven is like a man who planted good seed in his field. 25 But while people were asleep, his enemy planted weeds in the wheat field and went away. 26 When the wheat came up and formed kernels, weeds appeared.

27 “The owner’s workers came to him and asked, ‘Sir, didn’t you plant good seed in your field? Where did the weeds come from?’

28 “He told them, ‘An enemy did this.’

“His workers asked him, ‘Do you want us to pull out the weeds?’

29 “He replied, ‘No. If you pull out the weeds, you may pull out the wheat with them. 30 Let both grow together until the harvest. When the grain is cut, I will tell the workers to gather the weeds first and tie them in bundles to be burned. But I’ll have them bring the wheat into my barn.’”

Stories about a Mustard Seed and Yeast

31 Jesus used another illustration. He said, “The kingdom of heaven is like a mustard seed that someone planted in a field. 32 It’s one of the smallest seeds. However, when it has grown, it is taller than the garden plants. It becomes a tree that is large enough for birds to nest in its branches.”

33 He used another illustration. “The kingdom of heaven is like yeast that a woman mixed into a large amount of flour until the yeast worked its way through all the dough.”

34 Jesus used illustrations to tell the crowds all these things. He did not tell them anything without illustrating it with a story. 35 So what the prophet had said came true:

“I will open my mouth to illustrate points.
I will tell what has been hidden since the world was made.”

The Meaning of the Weeds in the Wheat

36 When Jesus had sent the people away, he went into the house. His disciples came to him and said, “Explain what the illustration of the weeds in the field means.”

37 He answered, “The one who plants the good seeds is the Son of Man. 38 The field is the world. The good seeds are those who belong to the kingdom. The weeds are those who belong to the evil one. 39 The enemy who planted them is the devil. The harvest is the end of the world. The workers are angels. 40 Just as weeds are gathered and burned, so it will be at the end of time. 41 The Son of Man will send his angels. They will gather everything in his kingdom that causes people to sin and everyone who does evil. 42 The angels will throw them into a blazing furnace. People will cry and be in extreme pain there. 43 Then the people who have God’s approval will shine like the sun in their Father’s kingdom. Let the person who has ears listen!

I won't mince words. One moment you are amazingly thoughtful, helpful, kind, silly, and affectionate, and the next you are cold, manipulative, hurtful, thoughtless, and almost cruel.  We have been at a complete loss.  Like the owner's workers (v.27), I've been asking God, "Where on earth do these hurtful behaviors ("weeds") keep coming from?" We have no clue how best to love and support your growth in Him, especially when you cycle through these moods so rapidly! 

Praise God that He does <3

He showed me a few truths through the above chapter in Matthew.  The "weeds", the poor choices and hurtful behaviors, are undoubtedly from the enemy.  And although they may continue to grow, so will Jesus' "wheat".  Indeed, the fruits of His Holy Spirit in you are difficult to see right now, but just as the mustard seed grew taller than the garden plants (v.32) so He will grow in You: taller than the weeds.  

I witnessed a miracle in you at summer camp.  Satan wants me to doubt it.  He wants me to question the reality of your salvation.  But I know what I know and your Father in Heaven knows it, too.  You are His, Lucy.  And He is working His Kingdom purposes and plans into your heart like yeast in a large amount of dough (v.33).  He isn't asking us to react or respond to your choices, He's been asking us over and over to surrender...to be patient...to trust that changes did take place and are continuing to...to remain at rest and celebrate the girl you are going to be when those changes move from the inside out.

You have come from a country where God is dead.  For 16 years, you were shaped and formed by a culture whose morality was based on the deceitful hearts of men and the wicked desires of the flesh.  Material wealth equaled success, sex and marriage were never anything sacred, and individual happiness superseded that of the general welfare.  This was a mold contrary to that God had in mind for you, and yet it feels more comfortable than anything else.  Our intentions to guide you forward in life are foreign but pure, Sweet Girl.... But of course you're freaking out! It's all so new.  

I will be praying for grace and patience.  We certainly don't want to push you too far too fast and become a stumbling block on your journey to Jesus.  It's surely an exciting one ;)

Much Love,

Mama

Diving Into the Deep Blue HE

³⁸ “You have heard that it was said, ‘An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.’ ³⁹ But I tell you not to oppose an evil person. If someone slaps you on your right cheek, turn your other cheek to him as well. ⁴⁰ If someone wants to sue you in order to take your shirt, let him have your coat too. ⁴¹ If someone forces you to go one mile, go two miles with him. ⁴² Give to everyone who asks you for something. Don’t turn anyone away who wants to borrow something from you.

⁴³ “You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor, and hate your enemy.’ ⁴⁴ But I tell you this: Love your enemies, and pray for those who persecute you. ⁴⁵ In this way you show that you are children of your Father in heaven. He makes his sun rise on people whether they are good or evil. He lets rain fall on them whether they are just or unjust. ⁴⁶ If you love those who love you, do you deserve a reward? Even the tax collectors do that! ⁴⁷ Are you doing anything remarkable if you welcome only your friends? Everyone does that! ⁴⁸ That is why you must be perfect as your Father in heaven is perfect." -Matthew 5:38-48 (GWT)

I was so mad at Dad this week. **Note: Dad approves this message**  We had scheduled time for a getaway...just the two of us....  A getaway that was MUCH needed in healing from all of the wounds our marriage alone incurred from these previous weeks.  I made all of the arrangements for you kids and the dog; he was to arrange the hotel.  Normally, I would leave every detail up to him to surpise me--the romantic in me craves this and God knew I was desperate for some romance.  But I understood how weary we've both been from all of the warfare, so I obliged when he asked me what I wanted to do: hotel near Zilker Park in Austin.  No planned activities, just easy access to them to partake in if/when we felt like it.  Easy peezy lemon squeezy.

That was last week.

The night before we were scheduled to leave, all signs pointed to no hotel booked.  My first clue?  While lying in bed about to go to sleep, he's surfing the Internet on his phone asking where I wanted to stay...San Antonio?  I calmly reiterated, "I think Austin is more relaxing.  I love it there.  There's a beautiful hotel down by Zilker Park that I've been hearing about.  I think it's a Hyatt. That would give us access to anything and everything we could want while we're there." Then, after much balking over the prices of hotels (not the one or any near Zilker Park mind you), Dad asks, "Do you like those hotels with the aboreums??" To which I remain calm and reply, "You mean a Double Tree?" 

I adore this man.  He has loved me and been patient with me like no other.  However, in that moment it was clear that 1) No hotel was booked; 2) My voice spurs on an allergic reaction that affects Dad's ears, causing blockage to his hearing; and 3) The mention of an above-average hotel chain makes suspected reaction worse.

I proceeded to pull out my own phone and search the hotel I had mentioned.  "Here, Babe.  This is the one I heard about.  It looks super nice...what do you think?" Babe puts his phone down, shuts off light, and rolls over as he sighs exasperatedly, "If that's the hotel you want, fine.  I don't need to see it.  Just go ahead and book it."

?!  I was so hurt.  Wasn't he excited about our upcoming trip?  How come he didn't book something already? And why was he so frustrated with me?? I knew the hotel was a bit more pricey than our usual, but this wasn't meant to be a "usual" getaway.  After much more heated discussion, the truth came out: he wasn't excited because it's wasn't something he really wanted to do (go to a fancy hotel in Austin); he'd be spending a lot of money and felt he would get nothing in return.  

I felt a mixture of guilt and resentment. Trips have never been his thing.  They've always been mine.  I knew that.  I also knew how greatly I've failed to speak his love language lately.  But just weeks ago, he was all for getting me out of town because he thought I needed it.  Couldn't he still find joy in my joy?  Wasn't that enough?  Does there always have to be something in it for him to show me love?

That's when God hit me upside the head with my own questions.

Could I find joy in His joy?  Wasn't that enough?  Does there always have to be something in it for me to show Him love?  Can I do what He's asked me to do simply because He asked me to do it and it would speak volumes of my great love for Him...even if nothing comes of it that benefits me??  

The questions only got harder...

Will I love you, even if I'm faced with more persecution and manipulation...even if you never choose God's plan for you in the end?  Would the fact that it pleased Him alone be enough to satisfy me?

<sigh of shame> I'm so convicted.  I haven't been loving you with a sacrificial love.  Even though I've been writing and saying that I will love you no matter what, I've been carrying around this promise that your heart will be changed...that we will gain your whole heart in the end.  That's loving you with conditions.  And I've been following God with conditions :(

Praise Him!!  He's been so gracious to take me deeper into the depths of His own heart.  He could have thrown up His Hands and given up all hope when I had the audacity to cry to Him about my heartbreak.  Instead, He used it to share His <3

Are we doing anything remarkable by loving you as a means to some end? If I want to become more like Jesus, and I so do, than I need to be willing to love like He loves: freely.  No agenda.  No conditions.  Often, no reciprocation.  Love for love's sake. 

It was a sombering realization...that you may never arrive at a place in yourself where you can fully receive His Love or ours....  But He makes His sun shine on people whether they are good or evil.  He lets rain fall on them whether they are just or unjust.  God's Love is for all and in all.  Who am I to love you any other way?

"Even if the fig tree does not bloom and the vines have no grapes, even if the olive tree fails to produce and the fields yield no food, even if the sheep pen is empty and the stalls have no cattle--even then, I will be happy with the LORD.  I will truly find joy in God, Who saves me. 

The LORD Almighty is my strength." (Hab. 17-19a).

Entering His Rest

Even now, amidst the trials and tribulations, I am so grateful for you, Sweet Girl.  It has been quite the arduous task for Him lately, but God has again been faithful to draw me even closer to Him still through all of this praying and fighting for you. As Daniel faced, we face: "a great war"..."mourning and fasting for 3 weeks"...but also victory over the enemy whose opposition only seems to grow stronger (see Daniel 10-11). 
Day One on my knees, committed to hearing from the Lord and the Lord only, and He says:

"The Lord will extend your powerful scepter from Zion.
    Rule your enemies who surround you....

The Lord has taken an oath and will not change his mind:
    “You are a priest forever, in the way Melchizedek was a priest.”

The Lord is at your right side.
    He will crush kings on the day of his anger.
    He will pass judgment on the nations
        and fill them with dead bodies.
            Throughout the earth he will crush their heads.
    He will drink from the brook along the road.
    He will hold his head high." Ps.110 (GWT)

"Hallelujah!

I will give thanks to the Lord with all my heart
    in the company of decent people and in the congregation.
 The Lord’s deeds are spectacular.
    They should be studied by all who enjoy them.
His work is glorious and majestic.
His righteousness continues forever.

He has made his miracles unforgettable.
    The Lord is merciful and compassionate.
He provides food for those who fear him.
He always remembers his promise.
He has revealed the power of his works to his people
    by giving them the lands of other nations as an inheritance.
 His works are done with truth and justice.
    All his guiding principles are trustworthy.
        They last forever and ever.
        They are carried out with truth and decency.
He has sent salvation to his people.
He has ordered that his promise should continue forever.
    His name is holy and terrifying.
The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom.
Good sense is shown by everyone who follows God’s guiding principles.
His praise continues forever." Ps. 111 (GWT)

"Hallelujah!

Blessed is the person who fears the Lord
    and is happy to obey his commands.
        His descendants will grow strong on the earth.
        The family of a decent person will be blessed.
            Wealth and riches will be in his home.
            His righteousness continues forever.
               Light will shine in the dark for a decent person.
                    He is merciful, compassionate, and fair.

All goes well for the person who is generous and lends willingly.
    He earns an honest living.
        He will never fail.
        A righteous person will always be remembered.
            He is not afraid of bad news.
            His heart remains secure, full of confidence in the Lord.
            His heart is steady, and he is not afraid.
                In the end he will look triumphantly at his enemies.
            He gives freely to poor people.
            His righteousness continues forever.
            His head is raised in honor.
                The wicked person sees this and becomes angry.
                He angrily grits his teeth and disappears.
                    The hope that wicked people have will vanish." Ps. 112 (GWT)

Indeed, victory is already His!! K.P. Yohannan's booklet, The Lord's Work Done in The Lord's Way, uncomfortably challenged my motives in this ministry He's given us, however.  It forced me to ask myself gut-checking questions: am I fighting for you to get results or to glorify God?  What if results never come?  What if you exercise your free will and never choose to wholly surrender to this incredible plan He has for you? Would I be content serving you and suffering this heartache as solely a love-offering to Him? 

Certainly, I began this mission in obedience to His call and with the purest desire to glorify Him and love you no matter what. And the whole journey felt effortless then.  There were plenty of "speedbumps" in the path set before us...but we were confident that God was driving, so they never felt overwhelming for long, if at all.  

Something has undoubtedly shifted.

I've been struggling.  I've been emotionally torn apart and worn with worry.  I confess that I've grown increasingly more and more presumptious, "running ahead with our own plans and in our own understanding, never taking the time to hear what He desires or to find out His ways" (Yohannan, p.38). I've been so focused on meeting the immediate needs of every situation we've been faced with, looking for others' voices to help guide our course, than I have been seeking to know and please the One Who appointed this task to us in the first place (p.33).  I strayed dangerously off course.  And it all began when I neglected to come into His presence and sit at His feet (p.17).

I am saying kind words to you.  I've been writing kind words for you.  But in my heart, I've been so angry...so frustrated.  I've been doing what God asked me to do, trying everything I know how to be successful in reaching your heart...but to no avail.  We've seen little to no results.  In fact, I'd almost venture to say things have moved backwards.  This isn't of any fault of yours...Dad and I have been failing because these efforts were of our flesh.  And, more imperatively, our focus hasn't been rooted where it's supposed to be: in pleasing, loving, and glorifying God.  Not in the hope that you would be pleased with and come to love and glorify us. 
 

"When our ministry to the people around us is done as a ministry unto the Lord--doing His work in His way--there will be no striving" (p.43). 

I apologized to Jesus, and I am now apologizing to you.  I've been operating within our limited understanding.  I've been fearful of what others might think or the damage you might do if we did nothing in response to some of your most hurtful behaviors. And somehow, somewhere along the line, I started equating waiting upon God with doing nothing.  When in reality, "it seems the more we take the time to wait and hear from the Lord, the more actual work that we do--but rather in His strength, not ours" (p.20).  

Because this war is against spiritual forces, only the Sword of His Spirit is useful.  Because victory is already His, only He knows how to win your heart.  And because the work is not dependent on my plans or my efforts, I am simply going to allow the Lord to live through me. I hereby enter His rest <3

I love you, Lucy. 

And I love you, Jesus.  Great is Thy faithfulness!

Seven Rams' Horns Ahead

Jericho Is Destroyed

"Jericho was bolted and barred shut because the people were afraid of the Israelites. No one could enter or leave.

² The Lord said to Joshua, “I am about to hand Jericho, its king, and its warriors over to you. ³ All the soldiers will march around the city once a day for six days. ⁴ Seven priests will carry rams’ horns ahead of the ark. But on the seventh day you must march around the city seven times while the priests blow their horns. ⁵ When you hear a long blast on the horn, all the troops must shout very loudly. The wall around the city will collapse. Then the troops must charge straight ahead into the city. ...
¹² Joshua got up early in the morning. The priests carried the Lord’s ark. ¹³ The seven priests carrying the seven rams’ horns were ahead of it. The priests blew their horns as they went. The armed men were ahead of them, and the rear guard followed the Lord’s ark while the horns blew continually. ¹⁴ They went around the city once on the second day and returned to the camp. They did this for six days."
(Joshua 6:1-5, 12-14 GWT)

God had made it clear that our journey to reach your heart would be like Joshua's battle for Jericho.  We will have to march around your heart multiple times, and eventually the Lord will cause the walls around it to tumble.  I praise Him--He heard my surrender...saw my white flag waving...and today, He was faithful to reveal something new about this tired revelation and renew my strength to keep marching!

I was so frustrated with Him these past few weeks.  Couldn't He see how I was hurting?  Why was He allowing the enemy to speak against me with yours and others' "lying tongues"?  To "surround me with hateful words"? Why was He allowing you to "fight against me for no reason" and "in return for my love, [allow you to] accuse me" even though "I pray for [you]"?  Was my reward to be evil instead of good?  Your hatred instead of love? (Psalm 109).  

Today, He answered me:

No.  But I needed to bring some things to the surface so I could fully heal you before you can be used to help Me heal Lucy.

Boy, did He.  The enemy used you to play on my fear.  Anger was just the symptom.  But by the Power of God's grace that is so much stronger and greater than our Adversary, I let go of my fear today...fear that I'm losing my happy family...fear that God would abandon me and His Promise for you...fear that I wasn't cut out for this task He's given us.  And I found freedom in the forgiveness of those satan used throughout my life to birth and feed that lie, including you, that had left my heart out in the cold to bleed alone.

He was there when my heart was breaking; every single time that it broke.  His was breaking, too!  And My God, Who cherishes me, was not going to allow my heart to remain broken.  Just as any loving Father would, He's been aiming to mend it.  And, in the most backwards way, He used you to do just that.

So, back to the "something new" He revealed about this account in Jericho.... Seven priests were instructed to carry rams' horns ahead of the ark, blowing them continually.  I've glossed over this detail so many times.  What that meant and why they had to do this was beyond me, so I suppose my brain clung only to the parts of this story I could relate to or understand. The Holy Spirit revealed to me exactly what this was about and why it had to be done.... The rams' horn (also known as the Shofar) was used by the Israelites to signify their waging of war.  And for the believer in Jesus, it represents the shout of God's victory (see: Meaning of the Shofar)!  

Yes, God is requiring we continue this march around your heart.  He knows we're exhausted. We are undoubtedly waging war, not against flesh and blood, but against these spiritual forces that grip you (Eph. 6:12).  But He is also commanding us to shout His victory!  To send our praises out ahead of us!!!  Hence, I thank Him now for delivering you.  I thank Him now for the freedom you will find in Christ.  I thank Him right now, in the middle of this battle, for the "Angel of Light" you will be for so many others trapped in darkness.  You didn't rename you "Lucy"...God did.  I praise Him in advance for the woman you are going to become and the force you're going to be against the very enemy that's losing his grip on you as I type.

Victory is the Lord's!

Dry Bones

I can admit that I no longer trust you.  I struggle moment-by-moment with believing that any of your "good" behaviors and choices are genuinely good at all.  I also recognize that it's not you I have to trust really, but God.  This is His Plan, and He is faithful to bring it to perfect completion (Phil. 1:6). Shamefully, I am completely aware that in my unforgiveness, I'm leaving myself wide open to the enemy and more of his wiles. Yes, I know that God is with me. I know that by His Power and His Strength, I can overcome the hurt that's taken root.  And I know that until I do, I'm single-handedly hindering reconcilation.

I've just got nothing left.

I have truly come to the end of myself.

This is where I would encourage others that our end is God's beginning--a truth I am barely hanging onto by my fingertips.  I am tired, Lucy.  I can see your desire for a mother's love, and I wanted nothing more than to be God's Instrument to deliver just that to you.  I gave.  And you continue to take advantage of every part of my heart.  I know what Jesus would do...what He does do...yet I've never felt less like Him than I do right now.  :(

A Valley of Dry Bones

37 The Lord took hold of me, and I was carried away by the Spirit of the Lord to a valley filled with bones. ² He led me all around among the bones that covered the valley floor. They were scattered everywhere across the ground and were completely dried out. ³ Then he asked me, “Son of man, can these bones become living people again?”

“O Sovereign Lord,” I replied, “you alone know the answer to that.”
⁴ Then he said to me, “Speak a prophetic message to these bones and say, ‘Dry bones, listen to the word of the Lord! ⁵ This is what the Sovereign Lord says: Look! I am going to put breath into you and make you live again! ⁶ I will put flesh and muscles on you and cover you with skin. I will put breath into you, and you will come to life. Then you will know that I am the Lord.’”
⁷ So I spoke this message, just as he told me. Suddenly as I spoke, there was a rattling noise all across the valley. The bones of each body came together and attached themselves as complete skeletons. ⁸ Then as I watched, muscles and flesh formed over the bones. Then skin formed to cover their bodies, but they still had no breath in them.
⁹ Then he said to me, “Speak a prophetic message to the winds, son of man. Speak a prophetic message and say, ‘This is what the Sovereign Lord says: Come, O breath, from the four winds! Breathe into these dead bodies so they may live again.’”
¹⁰ So I spoke the message as he commanded me, and breath came into their bodies. They all came to life and stood up on their feet—a great army.
¹¹ Then he said to me, “Son of man, these bones represent the people of Israel. They are saying, ‘We have become old, dry bones—all hope is gone. Our nation is finished.’ ¹² Therefore, prophesy to them and say, ‘This is what the Sovereign Lord says: O my people, I will open your graves of exile and cause you to rise again. Then I will bring you back to the land of Israel. ¹³ When this happens, O my people, you will know that I am the Lord. ¹⁴ I will put my Spirit in you, and you will live again and return home to your own land. Then you will know that I, the Lord, have spoken, and I have done what I said. Yes, the Lord has spoken!’” (Ezekiel 37:1-14)


Sovereign Lord, I have become old, dry bones.  My head knows better, but my broken heart feels like all hope is gone.  Put breath into me and bring me back to life so I, and Lucy, will know that You are the LORD.  Cause me to rise again so I can stand above my emotions and against the enemy.  Please, in Your Name, grant me the strength to trust You and Your Plan and to turn the other cheek so I can be used to reveal Your divine mercy and unfailing love. 

Fiery Trials

Psalm 105

¹ Give thanks to the Lord.
Call on him.
Make known among the nations what he has done.
² Sing to him.
Make music to praise him.
Meditate on all the miracles he has performed.
³ Brag about his holy name.
Let the hearts of those who seek the Lord rejoice.
⁴ Search for the Lord and his strength.
Always seek his presence.
⁵ Remember the miracles he performed,
    the amazing things he did, and the judgments he pronounced,
⁶         you descendants of his servant Abraham,
        you descendants of Jacob, his chosen ones.

⁷ He is the Lord our God.
    His judgments are pronounced throughout the earth.
⁸ He always remembers his promise,^[a]
    the word that he commanded for a thousand generations,
⁹         the promise that he made to Abraham,
            and his sworn oath to Isaac.
¹⁰ He confirmed it as a law for Jacob,
    as an everlasting promise to Israel,
¹¹         by saying, “I will give you the land of Canaan.
            It is your share of the inheritance.”

¹² While the people of Israel were few in number,
    a small group of foreigners living in that land,
¹³         they wandered from nation to nation,
            from one kingdom to another.
¹⁴ He didn’t permit anyone to oppress them.
He warned kings about them:
¹⁵     “Do not touch my anointed ones
        or harm my prophets.”

¹⁶ He brought famine to the land.
He took away their food supply.
¹⁷ He sent a man ahead of them.
He sent Joseph, who was sold as a slave.
¹⁸     They hurt his feet with shackles,
        and cut into his neck with an iron collar.
¹⁹             The Lord’s promise tested him through fiery trials
                until his prediction came true.
²⁰     The king sent someone to release him.
    The ruler of nations set him free.
²¹     He made Joseph the master of his palace
        and the ruler of all his possessions.
²²             Joseph trained the king’s officers the way he wanted
                and taught his respected leaders wisdom.

²³ Then Israel came to Egypt.
    Jacob lived as a foreigner in the land of Ham.
²⁴ The Lord made his people grow rapidly in number
    and stronger than their enemies.
²⁵ He changed their minds so that they hated his people,
    and they dealt treacherously with his servants.
²⁶ He sent his servant Moses, and he sent Aaron, whom he had chosen.
²⁷     They displayed his miraculous signs among them
        and did amazing things in the land of Ham.
²⁸ He sent darkness and made their land dark.
    They did not rebel against his orders.
²⁹ He turned their water into blood
    and caused their fish to die.
³⁰ He made their land swarm with frogs,
    even in the kings’ bedrooms.
³¹ He spoke, and swarms of flies and gnats
    infested their whole territory.
³² He gave them hail and lightning
    instead of rain throughout their land.
³³ He struck their grapevines and fig trees
    and smashed the trees in their territory.
³⁴ He spoke, and countless locusts and grasshoppers came.
³⁵     They devoured all the plants in the land.
    They devoured the crops in the fields.
³⁶ He killed all the firstborn sons,
    the first ones born in the land when their fathers were young.
³⁷ He brought Israel out with silver and gold,
    and no one among his tribes stumbled.
³⁸ The Egyptians were terrified of Israel,
    so they were glad when Israel left.
³⁹ He spread out a cloud as a protective covering
    and a fire to light up the night.
⁴⁰ The Israelites asked, and he brought them quail
    and filled them with bread from heaven.
⁴¹ He opened a rock, and water gushed
    and flowed like a river through the dry places.

⁴² He remembered his holy promise to his servant Abraham.
⁴³ He brought his people out with joy,
    his chosen ones with a song of joy.
⁴⁴ He gave them the lands of other nations,
    and they inherited what others had worked for
⁴⁵         so that they would obey his laws
            and follow his teachings.

Hallelujah!

Like Joseph, I feel like the Lord sold us over to be slaves. Harsh or not, there is no denying that our spirits have nearly been crushed by your strongholds...these shackles that bind you spiritually have hurt us so deeply.  The weight of responsibility for you bears down on our shoulders more and more like an iron collar of sorts.  No doubt, the Lord's Promise to us is being tested more than ever right now.  

We have literally been in despair since late last week.  When things didn't go the way you thought they should go, and you ran away and hid from us with a woman you hardly knew...and filled her head with incredulous lies as though we've been monsters mistreating you all of this time...and tried the same shennanigans with law enforcement?!...there are just no words.  Still.  The enemy clearly didn't like the eviction notice you gave him at the altar in Falls Creek.  Like a thief, he came to "steal, kill, and destroy" all the work we've done to grow closer as a family. 

He won this battle, but he's already lost the war.

In our pain, God remains.  He promised Joseph great authority and respect.  He promised Jacob numerous descendants. And to Moses and Aaron: deliverance for their people, the Israelites. But He never promised them an easy road to their "Promised Lands".  Nor does He promise this to us.  These fiery trials will likely continue until our prediction comes true.  But tonight, I'm choosing hope.  We will be brought out with silver and gold and we will not stumble.  Like manna from heaven and water gushing from a rock, the Lord has been so faithful to provide support for us in this dry place.  He remembers His promise and will bring us out with joy.  We can praise Him even now <3

2 Corinthians 4:8-12

⁸ In every way we’re troubled, but we aren’t crushed by our troubles. We’re frustrated, but we don’t give up. ⁹ We’re persecuted, but we’re not abandoned. We’re captured, but we’re not killed. ¹⁰ We always carry around the death of Jesus in our bodies so that the life of Jesus is also shown in our bodies. ¹¹ While we are alive, we are constantly handed over to death for Jesus’ sake so that the life of Jesus is also shown in our mortal nature. ¹² Death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.

 

Love you, Lucy.

Mama