Uncomfortable Comfort Zones

In the Book of Jeremiah, Chapter 44, the people remaining in Judah made it clear that they just wanted the heck out of dodge once poop hit the fan.  They asked for God's direction and heard His reply through the prophet Jeremiah: If they stayed and faced the current trouble in their land, God would restore peace and protect them from the disaster that seemed imminent.  If they went back to Egypt, they would run into more poop.

Did they listen?  No.

Instead, they chose to go back to what was comfortable for them.  They chose Egypt.  They chose their shortsighted knowledge and limited experience over the Lord's infinite wisdom and sovereignty.  When they lived in Egypt before, it wasn't perfect.  They had to make sacrifices and be slaves to fickle rulers.  But at least they "had plenty to eat then, and [they] lived comfortably and saw no disaster" (44:17).

It sounds crazy, right?  Who would choose a life of slavery and back-breaking work over a life rescued and protected by God?

Unfortunately, the land and life God had brought His people to wasn't going as they had planned.  There were some hiccups that shook up their sense of security.  They were scared of the unknown, and they wanted out.  It was easier to return to what they knew than to face the discomfort of the moment and trust that God was in the process of making life better for them.  Because they went back, however, they ended up exactly where they didn't want to be.  God warned them that the trouble they were trying to avoid would follow them to Egypt, and it did.  Rather than staying in a land whose enemies were flesh and blood, they went to a land whose enemy was the Lord of Armies Himself.  "March into battle, you warriors.... That day belongs to the Almighty LORD of Armies.  It is a day of vengeance when He will take revenge on His enemies.  His sword will devour until its had enough, and it will drink their blood until its full" (46:9-10).  Everything the people feared in Judah caught up with them in Egypt...the place they ran to and were convinced they knew so well, their comfort zone, was more uncomfortable than they ever imagined.

This so closely reflects our story, doesn't it?

You ran from us and we have run from you.  When life in America didn't measure up to your expectations...when our family experienced some bumps in the road and it rattled your sense of security...it was easier for you to run back to what you knew than to face the discomfort of the moment.  It was clearly difficult for you to trust that God was doing what He said He would when everything felt so out of your control.  You weren't aiming to hurt us; you were protecting yourself from a perceived threat, however fictional it was.
Since, it has been difficult to surrender our fears and trust that God will protect us from our perceived threat of more heartbreak and more allegations at your hand, however fictional it might be.  It has been easier for us to go back to the life we knew as a family of four than to face the unknown of re-engaging with you.

We all ignored God's promises and ran to "Egypt".  We all ignored His assurances that He would have compassion on us and keep us from disaster and chose, instead, to go back to our comfort zones that were outside of God's will and protection and directly into the line of fire we were all hoping to avoid!

It sounds crazy because we are!

For the past year, I have been suffering a great depression, my thoughts spiraling more and more downward than ever before.  I once had a house full of kids coming in and out and tons of friends to do life with.  I'm now in a beautiful house, yet isolated from the world I once knew and am left with very few friendships that survived my vacuous heartache.  I was avoiding more heartache and instead, ran smack into it.  The irony.

I can't help but wonder how you have been feeling.  Has your decision to run caused you  more trouble than you originally imagined?  Have your choices fallen short in restoring comfort and peace as well?

Never for a moment has our family doubted that the God of the Heavens and the Earth was in the process of rescuing you, Lucy.  He would have restored peace in our relationship and our home had you stayed.  We firmly believed this and hoped to convince you then.  And God would have likely restored peace in our home and relationship sooner had the four of us continued to follow Him rather than protecting ourselves.  We all made mistakes.  We took wrong turns.  And we've each been scattered in different places and situations far away from where we'd all rather be; far away from where God wanted us to be.  You, Dad, and me have been captives bound by the lies that we can save ourselves.  Yet, in Christ we've been set free!! Why do we ignorantly continue to go back into captivity?  Why are we choosing a false sense of security over the real thing?!  Why are we choosing tiring work over rest in His compassion and protection?

We certainly aren't going "entirely unpunished" for our poor choices, but praise God that we won't be "completely destroyed" (46:28)!!  Our Lord is still on a rescue mission...for us all.

"'Don't be afraid, my servant Jacob.

Don't be terrified, Israel.

I'm going to rescue you and your descendants from a faraway land, from the land where you are captives.

Then Jacob's descendants will again have undisturbed peace, and no one will make them afraid.

Don't be afraid, my servant Jacob,' declares the LORD. 'I am with you.  I will completely destroy all the nations where I scattered you, but I will not completely destroy you.  

I will correct you with justice.  I won't let you go entirely unpunished.'" 

-Jeremiah 46:27-28

The Lord had mercy and spared His people then, and He wants to mercifully spare ours now.

"For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for Me will save it" (Luke 9:24).  I'm over doing things my way.  I've made a mess of myself, and I so badly want to be saved!  My life is now His--no matter the cost.  Have you hit your rock bottom yet?  Are you ready to surrender your way of doing life to take hold of His that offers more than you could ask for or imagine?  I'll forever be praying that you come back and find refuge in Him.

I love you, Loo.

Mom 

To Love You

"We have all been sinned against.  We all sin.  You have failed to love me as you should and I have failed to love you.  Your failure to love me is painful, sometimes profoundly disappointing.  But the Lord's love for me is perfect.  Although His love does not remove the sting of your failure, it gives me all I need to stand as a whole person, capable of loving you regardless of the threat of your further failure. 
And that is my responsibility: to love you.  My love for you (not yours for me) determines in large measure my experience of joy and my sense of intactness.  I can love because I am loved perfectly and fully by God.  And my love for you matters.  It can draw you to Christ; it gives my life power and value in His plan; it brings glory to God.  And, as I falteringly learn to love you without self-protection, I edge toward the longed-for reality of abundant living." -Larry Crabb, Inside Out, p.201

Our God wastes no time. I have been all over the place emotionally this past year: scared, hurt, hopeful, disappointed, angry, bitter, depressed.  And because I have been consumed mainly with your offenses against us, I've only succeeded at protecting myself and have completely failed at truly loving you as Jesus does.  I am so sorry, Loo.  I am sorry for allowing my hurt and my fear and my disappointment in your behavior and actions to dictate the measure by which I give you what you desperately crave.  I am sorry that I have been prioritizing our protection from any further disappointment or hurt instead of His will for our role in your life.  I am sorry that I haven't been an effective example of surrendering to and satisfaction with His Perfect Love that casts out all fear.

I was reading in the Book of Jeremiah this morning and His Spirit spoke loud and clear to my heart:
"You have not humbled yourselves even to this day.  You haven't feared me or lived your lives by my teachings or by my decrees..." (44:10).  Those same Jews left in Judah that I mentioned in my last post to you, who deceived themselves and prayed arrogant prayers, they also decided to abandon God and worship false gods because from their perspective, when they did they "had plenty to eat then, and [they] lived comfortably and saw no disaster" (44:16-17).  But the Lord made it clear that their sense of security was false and their worship misplaced.  Their fear shouldn't have been of war and famine, it should have been of Him.  He would surely bring disaster and destruction on them because of their blatant disobedience and choice to worship the wrong gods.

We have been guilty of the same.  We have been worshipping our sense of security and our pride, making every effort to protect ourselves rather than serving God and loving you, good or bad.  We have been so foolish to believe that keeping a safe distance from you will guard us from any more hurt or disappointment or trouble.  Yet, the reality is we've been placing ourselves right outside of God's will and protection and smack dab in the crosshairs of the enemy fire we've been hoping to avoid! When we walk contrary to God's will for our lives, we're bound to get hurt.  And doing so for the past year has caused me, in particular, to be wounded almost to the point of absolute defeat. 

Once again, praise Jesus! I will not be overcome <3 

I'm not sure what loving you now looks like practically-speaking.  But I do know it will no longer be based on your response or treatment of our family; instead, it must become a direct reflection of His love for us all...without fear.  Without demand.  Without expectation or selfishness. And with true and total abandon.  

At the Crossroads

Jeremiah 42  GOD’S WORD Translation (GW)

Jeremiah Warns the People of Judah Not to Go to Egypt

42 Then all the army commanders along with Kareah’s son Johanan and Hoshaiah’s son Jezaniah and all the people, from the least important to the most important, came to the prophet Jeremiah. ² They said to him, “Please listen to our request, and pray to the Lord your God for all of us who are left here. As you can see, there are only a few of us left. ³ Let the Lord your God tell us where we should go and what we should do.” ...⁶ We will obey the Lord our God to whom we are sending you, whether it’s good or bad. Yes, we will obey the Lord our God so that everything will go well for us.”...

⁹ Jeremiah said to them, “You sent me to plead your case humbly to the Lord. This is what the Lord God of Israel says: ¹⁰ Suppose you stay in this land. Then I will build you up and not tear you down. I will plant you and not uproot you. I will change my plans about the disaster I’ve brought on you. ¹¹ Don’t be afraid of the king of Babylon, whom you now fear. Don’t be afraid of him, declares the Lord. I’m with you. I will save you and rescue you from his power. ¹² I will have compassion on you. I will make him have compassion on you and return you to your land.
¹³ “But suppose you say, ‘We won’t stay in this land,’ and you disobey the Lord your God. ¹⁴ Then you say, ‘We’ll go to Egypt, where we won’t have to see war, hear the sound of a ram’s horn, or be hungry. We’ll stay there.’
¹⁵ “Now, listen to the Lord’s word, you people who are left in Judah. This is what the Lord of Armies, the God of Israel, says: Suppose you’re determined to go to Egypt, and you go and live there. ¹⁶ Then the wars you fear will catch up with you in Egypt. The famines you dread will follow you to Egypt, and you will die there. ¹⁷ So all the people who decide to go and live in Egypt will die in wars, famines, and plagues. No one will survive or escape the disasters I will bring on them.
¹⁸ “This is what the Lord of Armies, the God of Israel, says: As my anger and my fury were poured out on those who live in Jerusalem, so my fury will be poured out on you if you go to Egypt. You will become a curse word. You will become something ridiculed, cursed, and disgraced. You won’t see this place again.
¹⁹ “The Lord has told you people who are left in Judah not to go to Egypt. You need to know that I am warning you today. ²⁰ You only deceived yourselves when you sent me to the Lord your God and said, ‘Pray to the Lord our God for us, and tell us everything that the Lord our God says, and we’ll do it.’... ²² But now, you need to know that you will die in wars, famines, or plagues in the place where you want to go and live.”

The people left in Judah had just experienced more traumatizing destruction of all they held dear at the hands of a brutal Ishmael and ten of his men.  Their livelihood was directly attacked, their safety viciously threatened.  The request they made to the prophet Jeremiah immediately following their rescue from all of this craziness struck me:

"We will obey the LORD our God...whether it's good or bad...so that everything will go well for us".    

Since our adventures with you, I've been suffering a crisis of faith.  I've been faced head-on with the impossible question, "Will I continue to serve the Lord, even if it means everything doesn't go well for me here on Earth?" Somewhere along my faith-walk, I (like the people in Judah) deceived myself.  I arrogantly formed the belief that I could pray, ask God to guide me, obey no matter what (ha), and that all of this would predictably deliver an almost immediate "wellness" for me.  Because of my confidence in this formula, I've shamefully been heralded for my trust without borders...for my childlike faith...for my "direct line" to Jesus and my "pillar of smoke in the kitchen". Left here in the ruins of our once beautiful story, however, I'm faced with a much uglier truth about myself now stripped of the pretty lies my deceitful heart had it packaged in.

"When we face how deeply disappointed we are with our relationships, it then becomes possible to recognize the ugliness of what before seemed reasonable" (Crabb, 188).

 

My faith has been misplaced. 
It hasn't been in God for His will's sake, but rather in the hope that my own selfish desire for wellness would be met by obeying Him. I haven't been serving Him for His will to be done, but for mine.  I haven't been seeking His glory, but my own. 
I (again, like the people in Judah) have wanted to run back to a place and time that's not here--to my own "Egypt".  I've been wanting to move out of this small town so we no longer have to risk seeing you, or hear anymore rumors that are spreading, or hunger for reconciliation that seems more and more unlikely to be satiated every day that passes.  Yet, no end to this madness has been in sight.  I've felt stuck.  I've been squirming under the pressure, distressed and depressed in the discomfort of it all.  And I've been wrestling with God, angry at Him for not relieving me but also frustrated with myself, with my weak will...with my fair-weather faith. I've been standing at a crossroads spiritually.  Never before have the choices "wide gate" or "narrow" been so delineated.  And never before has the path of least resistance been more tempting.

"When the fullness of our disappointment drives us to an overwhelming sorrow hat replaces anger with pain.... That kind of pain...is the starting point for real change.  It is only when we face the horror of desperately longing for what no one has or ever will provide that we give up our demands of others to satisfy our thirst and we turn in humble, broken dependence to God" (Crabb, 188). 

 

Obedience doesn't promise immediate reward. There's no guarantee that my life will run smoothly in this world.  But there is a guarantee that I'm bulking up for the next!  Am I going to crumble under the weight of these trials or rise to the occasion and strengthen my faith?  Am I going to quit because it's hard, or press through the pain of now so I can experience real strength of character later? 

Am I going to go "back to Egypt" or obey and "stay in this land"? 

I can finally not just see, but believe now that God has not allowed all of this heartache to tear me down, but rather to build me up.  He's allowed these trials and this pain to work out the deepest parts of me so I can experience the joy of answered prayer long prayed for--to please Him, to be more like Him, to have the faith I crave that moves mountains.  Moving, running to "Egypt" (while providing immediate relief), would ultimately be my ruin.  The Lord is not uprooting us because He knows that we'll bloom by planting us in this soil...ripe for the growth that we all need right now!
Tilling the heart is a painful process, indeed.  But praise Jesus we're not being destroyed...we're being rescued!!

Which path are you going to choose?

Praying for you, Sweet Loo--that the fullness of your disappointment in every person that has failed to give you what you so desperately long for will drive you to turn in humble, broken dependence to God.  May He once and for all fill those empty places inside of us both.

Love you.

*Quotes from the book Inside Out by Dr. Larry Crabb

The Demise of a Demanding Spirit

"God invades the deepest recesses of our deceitful heart to ruthlessly expose what needs to be changed.  His acceptance of us on the basis of Calvary and His understanding of our hurt provide the context for His work in our heart, but relentless exposure of our arrogant demandingness begins the healing." -Dr. Larry Crabb, Inside Out, p.160

 

 

     In just a little over a month, it will be one year since all hell broke loose.  The subject and the emotions that come with our story together are tired.  People are tired of hearing about it, we're tired of talking about it, and I'm tired of feeling it.  Nevertheless, my heart still aches.  I'm down a few friends and a lot of joy and I desperately crave relief.  Just when I begin to let go and accept what is, you pop back into the picture with a message on Facebook or through text.  And you always want something.  You're pleasant, but demanding...your requests completely out-of-the blue.  You wanted to meet downtown at specific times on specific days with little flexibility or concern for my schedule. When that didn't work out, you waited a few weeks then asked for me to meet you right away because you had a gift for me.  How you can paint me out to be a monster one moment then desire to see me/buy me a gift the next felt suspicious.  And the reality is, I can't meet you alone. It's not safe for me legally anymore--not after the allegations you derived.  I have what's left of us to protect now.  And regardless, I can't pretend that nothing happened and sweep my frustration and confusion and hurt under the rug.  No part of your request made sense, but I still took your petition to prayer seeking God's wisdom in the matter because the truth is, Sweet Girl, I long for you to run back home like the prodigal son, eyes and heart finally opened to His Plan and to our pure motives and love for you.  I long to reconcile.

But His wisdom and your response revealed something else.  You still believe the stories you've twisted and fabricated--we're still the monsters in your alternate reality.  You flippantly regarded my suggestion of meeting with a counselor weekly to work on mending our relationship, first asking, "What relationship? lol", then claiming you were still scared of us and that you hoped we understand. You continued by texting that while you still feel moving to America was a big mistake, you recognize now that you need a family for money and food and clothes and a home...and that it is scary being alone. You no longer want a family but are willing to be friends.  Well, "Maybe be friends".  We do understand that it's scary, Loo.  We do understand that your perception of love is skewed.  But we don't understand how to navigate your inability to take any responsibility for your destructive actions or how to look past your unreasonably demanding spirit.

     Then Thanksgiving week happened.  Isaac gets into a horse accident and suddenly you're referring to him as your "little brother" again, texting to request his room number so you can come visit.  Again, as nothing ever happened between us.  And, frankly, I was mad.  My flesh screams, you don't get to do this! You don't get to choose when and where and how you're going to be in our family and when and where and how you're not! The world doesn't revolve around you! But no matter how justified we feel shutting you completely out would be, no matter how satisfying treating you the way you've treated us might feel, God's will continues to prevail.  He always stands between my flesh and my heart, guarding me from stumbling over you.  Once again, He called me to more prayer and more surrender.  And while I am so grateful for His perfectly-timed equipping and His Grace that is forever sufficient, I am also still so frustrated. 

When will He deliver you?  When will the happy ending come? When will He finally relieve me and restore my joy? I've been faithful.  I've died to myself time and time again.  I've chosen His will over mine.  I'm trusting His Plan.  What gives?? Why is He not fixing this????

     Yet again, I've been so focused on you and your offenses that I've missed the memo.  And yet again, the memo is that before God I am no better than you.  Just as you making any demands of us is absurd, so are we making any demands of God.  Who am I to try and work God's system?  You've been claiming abuse and fear and victimization with a hope it will garner people's sympathy and result in providing you with whatever it is you think you need at any given moment.  I've been claiming faithfulness and obedience and trust in Jesus, but with a "quiet strong hope that a good response from us will bring a quicker end to our trials and a return to better times" (p.148).  Both your actions and mine are abhorrent before our Creator! 

     The ugly truth is, my prayers have gone unanswered for longer than I expected and my confidence is shaken.  My "veneer of trust" is being "stripped away to expose a demanding spirit" in my own heart (p.150).  I see now that my "'trust' in God was rooted not in unconditional confidence in His character and sovereign plan but rather in a hope that He'd relieve [my] suffering in the way [I] desired" (p.151).  The happy ending I've been envisioning may not be anything like the close to this mess that the Lord has planned.  And I need to be okay with that.  I need to trust Him even when it seems like His goal is to frustrate me.  I need to follow Him even when it hurts.  Because God and God alone is Sovereign.  He is in charge.  It would serve us both well to remember that, Loo.  "Problems may fuel a demanding spirit, but never justify it.  God is unalterably opposed to a demanding attitude on the part of His creatures no matter how severe their suffering.  His ears are opened wide to hear cries of lament and pleas for help, but He will not come to a negotiating table to consider terms from angry people" (p.147). 

     I will likely continue to cry out in my broken heartedness.  I will almost definitely plead for His Hand to intervene, but I will be doing so now hyper-aware of my humble position before the Maker of the Heavens and Earth.  It's easy to pass judgment on you, determining that your actions don't deserve a loving, gentle, or forgiving response...but what a hard pill it is to swallow that none of us deserve God's Love and Sacrifices and immense Mercy.  We all deserve death and hell.  Yet Jesus still came to give us life so that none would perish.  God is still willing to fight for me, to listen to me, to open His heart to me, and to comfort me in my wickedness and selfishness; I need to continue to work on loving you in the same way. ...Free of all hidden agenda or hopes that I can convince God to go with my plans by acting in an obedient way (despite my heart of horrors)...Sans any expectations that my kindness might eventually lead to my desired repentant response from you.  You may never see the vastness of God's love for you or of the love He's calling us to have for you, but I surrender anyway.  He knows what He's doing even when we don't.  And He loves all of His Creation, even when most don't choose to love Him back. 

Always praying for you, Loo.
Mom

   

 



Bittersweet

How quickly bitterness can enter the soul.  We got an opportunity to see you for the first time since you ran away this past January.  I was overwhelmed with gratitude for God's perfect timing, as it came on the heels of church youth camp and some incredibly deep healing for Josh and I.  You were as beautiful as ever and surprisingly welcoming...to me and the boys anyway.  You let me hold on to you and hug you for quite some time and even allowed me to kiss your cheek (claiming you would have kissed mine if not for the red lipstick you wore).  You briefly updated me on all that was new in your self-made world: new jobs and plans to get your drivers license and soon a car, as if nothing ugly had ever happened between us.
My actions outwardly remained very calm but still happy to see you; inwardly, however, the perfect storm of emotions was definitely brewing.  I watched as you gave each of the boys a bracelet, quietly battling the desire to feel grateful for your thoughtfulness of them and for their mercy toward you as they received them so kindly, against the conflicting desire to scream, "Seriously?! Bracelets?!  Your crafted stories nearly threw their parents in jail and almost wrecked their lifelong sense of security.  How about an apology for threatening their whole world because you chose to spin a web of lies to catch solely what you wanted for a moment?"
I helped load the boxes of clothes and other items we had once provided you silently thanking the Lord for the opportunity to close this chapter on a better note than before in a way that honors His will, but also struggling with turning the other cheek.  Self-centered thoughts bombarded me: Shouldn't you have thought about all that you would lose before running away and brutally trampling on our hearts the way you did?  How come she gets to treat us like doormats and You, God, are asking us to keep still while she continues to?
We took this picture:

I was so happy to have one to keep...to prove that victory came on the other side of this mess...but I'm so irritated that I am the one so full of joy, so ecstatic to be reunited, and you look almost miserable.
Victory clearly has yet to come.
Later, after you had left and all was said and done, I received another message from you thanking me greatly for giving you everything.  That would have been an ok note to end on for now.  I could have swallowed the frustrations I had and chalked them up to nothing.  Yet, I sent you a sweet article the next day to encourage you.  No response. ...Until the third day when you eventually replied with, "Can I have my journal please?" And, "Please take it to the shelter. [Address]"

?!?!?!?!?!

Face palm.

When will you humble your heart, Loo?  When will you realize how blessed you are that the God of the Entire Universe loves you so much that He's forgiven you before you've even asked and has gone above and beyond placing a burden on the very hearts you've hurt to show you His Grace?  Instead, you continue on as though you had made some ultimate sacrifice...as though you had done us a favor. ?!  This isn't anything you're doing or that we're doing.  God is doing it all.  Forgive me if I'm writing too bluntly, Child, but I don't have it left in me to mince words anymore.  The stench of pride can't be sugarcoated.

I've been tempted to believe you won't possibly ever understand the magnitude of what you've done or how your actions have hurt genuine people...people beyond our family and likely throughout the entirety of your life...who purely sought to love you the best they knew how (even if it wasn't always the actual best--hindsight is 20/20).  And honestly...at the rate things are going for you (so well), you will never have reason to.

But God.

God continues to say differently.

"Think much of My servants of old.  How Abraham believed in the promise (when as yet he had no child) that in his seed all the nations of the earth should be blessed.  How Moses led the Children of Israel through the desert, sure that, at last, they would gain the Promised Land.  Down through the ages there have always been those who obeyed, not seeing but believing, and their Faith was rewarded.  So shall it be even with you." -God Calling App, July 30th, 2016

He won't allow me to give up.  He keeps reminding me that despite what I see, I can believe and trust that He still reigns.  There seems to be so much injustice in this situation, but we serve a just God (Ps. 25:8-14).  You seem to have completely deceived even yourself, but we serve a God that searches the heart and examines the mind (Jer. 17:10).  You have done everything possible to diminish our role in your life, Lucy, but He's not finished with us yet.  Our hands are tied, but our prayers are not.  We still stand firm as your family, committed to calling on the Lord to help us when we're not strong so that with Him we can fight against the large army of lies that hold you captive.  And He has been so faithful to remind us who and what we are fighting for.  We wage war against the enemy not for ourselves, not for our gain, not for our justice.  We cry out for God to have mercy on you, Sweet Girl.  This is a rescue mission not revenge.  It is God that you're toeing the line of abandoning...forget us!  You continue to confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord, but you've been placing yourself and your desires on the throne of your heart leaving no room for Him.  And we're hurting because you continue to choose your lies over His Truth.  "The LORD is with you when you are with Him.  If you will dedicate your lives to serving Him, He will accept you.  But if you abandon Him, He will abandon you" (2 Chron. 15:2).

I pray that Jesus gives you the strength to finally surrender all...to truly dedicate your life to serving Him, yourself, your feelings, and your desires completely aside.  I can't imagine how scary it will be for you to finally face all of the choices you've made for the last eighteen years in effort to look out for and protect only you.  I can't imagine how difficult it will be to transition from a life of doing this to one that looks out for and protects others before yourself for God's glory.  Your sacrifice really will be great then.  It really will be tough. "But you must remain strong and not become discouraged.  Your actions will be rewarded" (2 Chron. 15:7).  And the reward that awaits you is so sweet, Loo.  You have been given the beginnings of a very unique, very gripping testimony that will grab the attention of all who are privileged to hear it.  ...and guaranteed, that's without all of the fantastical junk you've been adding to it to exaggerate the actual truth....

I'll be praying always that it ends happily so you and all who hear it are eternally changed <3

Love you with His Love,
Mom

"Help us, LORD our God, because we are depending on You.  In Your Name, we go against this large crowd.  You are the LORD our God.  Don't let anyone successfully oppose You" (2 Chron. 14:11).

Once I Was Blind, Now I Can See

"'I abandoned you for one brief moment, but I will bring you back with unlimited compassion.  I hid my face from you for a moment in a burst of anger, but I will have compassion on you with everlasting kindness,' says the LORD your Defender."

 -Isaiah 54:7-8

Even though it would seem you have completely moved on, our Lord is still very actively using our time together to till the soil of my heart.  The lessons He's been teaching me as I sit at His Feet to heal from losing you have been the greatest blessing.  You are a great blessing, Loo.
I'm ashamed to write the truths Jesus has revealed to me.  It's as if He removed scales from my eyes revealing the deceitful depths of my heart, and it was anything but pretty.  As I read the verse in Isaiah (above), my thoughts took off...Are You talking about me, Lord? Did You abandon me for a moment in a burst of anger?  Why were You angry with me?...Almost immediately, a megaphone thought spoke over all of these...Is all of this for your glory, Heidi, or Mine?

.

..

...

Memories with you flooded me.  Writing back and forth with you over VK, raising money to bring you home, the hustle and bustle of flying to Ukraine so last minute, meeting you for the first time, hanging out at your orphanage, having dinner with you and your friends, holding your shaking hand in court, our first night together in the apartment, our train ride back to Kiev, the amazing welcome home from our friends, your food aversions, our open discussions about some deep issues, the meeting about our house rules that you absolutely hated, our trip to North Carolina to see Papa and Grammy...everything that seemed to spin out of control since that June and in between....  I've never doubted that your story is for God's glory.  But this time, the Holy Spirit allowed me to see it all from another perspective: yours.

I'm completely humbled.

Up until now, I couldn't understand you.  I couldn't understand why you couldn't understand me.  I was totally dumbfounded when you writhed out from under our protection, running away with no desire to ever come back.  Once I was blind, now I can see. Our way of life was so foreign to you...that I've always known.  And while there were behaviors and choices that needed to change for your own safety, our expectations of when and how that would happen were so unfair and completely unattainable for you in the short time we ignorantly anticipated.  You likely and understandably felt suffocated.  We were trying our best, I promise.  Our goal was freedom for you spiritually, but because we spent most of our energy making decisions in our flesh...from our very limited capacity to understand your unique situation...I'm guessing family felt more like prison.
I am so sorry, Lucy.
How frustrated God must have been with me!  Since the revelation of this other side of the story, Scripture after Scripture that He had poured out throughout the year with you (that I could never make sense of before) inundated me.  I've been pouring over my journals since and found all of it and more, confirming that I, indeed, completely muddled up His desire for our role in your life.  From our beginning in Ukraine, God was telling me to let go of my expectations and desire for a daughter...it was never about any of that.  He spoke to me plainly through His Word directing me that you needed a mentor, someone to come alongside you, to be your friend, to love you through the good times and the bad, and to seek Him to help guide you by standing next to you, not over you.  I didn't listen.  I regrettably chose my desire and expectations over His, and proceeded accordingly taking the advice of man on how best to parent you over the wisdom from God to walk with you and live out His grace upon grace.
At one point, Jesus had given me the story about the weeds in the wheat in Matthew 13:24-30.  We loved you no matter what...we still do, but we weren't allowing the "weeds" to grow with the "wheat".  Any time you lied or you stole or you looked at pornography or you inappropriately texted with boys or drew inappropriate pictures or took revealing pictures or Skyped with people we didn't know (and I'm still fairly confident that you didn't even know), it freaked me out!  The angry reactions you saw from me were 100% rooted in fear.  I was so afraid for you.  I wanted so badly for you to let go of this way of living that you grew accustomed to and embrace the new normal that God set out for you.  I still desire this for you, Sweet Girl, but I see now how our approach went all kinds of wrong.  With great shame I must also confess (brace yourself for the ugly heart part), I was so afraid for us...for our family's reputation.  My addiction to approval reared it's ugly head in the most tragic way.  I didn't want people looking at us and assuming that we were failing you and failing them, who invested so much money and time into bringing you to America, by seemingly ignoring and, hence, endorsing your choices.  Ugh.  How totally immature and arrogant of me!!!
And now I fear that in our fear, we pulled out the "wheat"(any good stuff you did receive...any experience you did have with Jesus) with the weeds.
You misread my heart for good reason.  My actions spoke louder than my words.  I was saying over and over with my mouth and my written words that you are not your past mistakes, but we were parenting you as though that's all you were.
That is not all that you are, Lucy...Luda....
You are a new creation. A citizen of Heaven.  An actual princess, heir of God. When you accepted Jesus and chose to follow Him, God wiped away all of the mess, all of the mistakes.  He drowns them in the depths of the sea, makes them totally disappear.  And although we mistakingly focused on all of that, please know that He doesn't.  He has only ever seen the beauty and the talent and the future when you're going to do amazing things for His Kingdom.

We intended well.  But we were ignorant.  I was ignorant.  And because of our disobedience combined, we're all missing out on entering the "Promised Land"...your new life...together.  That's a tough pill to swallow for me.  This is certainly nothing like the ending to our story that I had pictured.  But the Holy Spirit has given me a peace that surpasses all of the hurt and regret. I could drive myself insane with the "What ifs", the "Should have, Could have, Would haves", but what's done is done.  Praise God that He is sovereign and can make miracles from our mess.  He knows this story from it's beginning until it's end and is clearly using every bit of it.

If my heart wouldn't have broken over you, it would never have healed steps closer to His.  I am genuinely grateful for you in my life, Loo, and will always be.  I'll fervently pray that our mistakes haven't caused you to turn completely away from Jesus; that we didn't drive you deep into the very lifestyle that we initially desired to bring you out of.  And, instead, that He's used all of this to take center stage in your heart as well.
Maybe one day we will both be ready for and given the chance to ask for and receive forgiveness from the other, reconciling (at the very least) as friends with a crazy history.

Love you, Sister.

The answer to that loudspeaker question in my head: it's for Your glory, God...I surrender mine.

Be Brave

Isaiah 31GOD’S WORD Translation (GW)

The Lord, Not the Egyptians, Will Protect His People from Assyria

    How horrible it will be for those
    who go to Egypt for help,
    who rely on horses,
    who depend on many chariots,
    who depend on very strong war horses.
        They don’t look to the Holy One of Israel.
        They don’t seek the Lord.
2             He is wise and can bring about disaster.
            He doesn’t take back his words.
            He rises against wicked people
                and against those who help troublemakers.
3 The Egyptians are humans, not gods.
    Their horses are flesh and blood, not spirit.
When the Lord uses his powerful hand,
    the one who gives help will stumble,
        and the one who receives help will fall.
            Both will die together.

4 This is what the Lord said to me:

A lion, even a young lion, growls over its prey
    when a crowd of shepherds is called to fight it.
        It isn’t frightened by their voices
            or disturbed by the noise they make.
So the Lord of Armies will come to fight for
    Mount Zion and its hill.
5 The Lord of Armies will defend Jerusalem like a hovering bird.
    He will defend it and rescue it.
    He will pass over it and protect it.
6 You people of Israel, return to the one
    whom you have so violently rebelled against.
7 When that day comes, all of you will reject
    the silver and gold idols
        that your sinful hands have made.
8 Then Assyrians will be killed with swords not made by human hands.
    Swords not made by human hands will destroy them.
They will flee from battle,
    and their young men will be made to do forced labor.
9 In terror they will run to their stronghold,[a]
    and their officers will be frightened at the sight of the battle flag.

The Lord declares this. His fire is in Zion and his furnace is in Jerusalem.

We have done so much wrong.  We have caused the other to hurt so deeply, however intentional or unintentionally.  Dad and I always considered your past wounds, but had no idea how to navigate them.  I took so much of your behavior towards me, in particular, too personally. Rather than faulting the patterns of the past you spent 16 years living and recognizing your rejection for what it really was (fear of getting too close to the one relationship you genuinely crave...a mother...), I focused my energy on the behavior itself and making sense of "why me".  And I kick myself as I replay hindsight and realize only now that you were mistaking my frustration as though I didn't really love you or desire a relationship with you.  This crushes me.

But perhaps the biggest mistake we have both made, Lucy, is that we've relied way too much on people and systems to defeat and redeem a situation that only God's Powerful Hand can.  And while these people and systems are still trying to help you, they will stumble.  They will come up short.  I pray without ceasing that you won't fall with them.

Whether you choose to return to our family or not, Sweet Girl, I plead for you to return to God.  He is the One you have offended. He is the One Who brought you out of Ukraine and gave you this new life that you walked away from because it was uncomfortable...because it challenged you to face all of the sore spots within you.  He is the One Who is trying to restore your broken heart...and only He can.  Having a mother and a father and people to call "family" are certainly important, but we are still just flesh and blood.  Seeking wise counsel from a trained professional certainly is helpful, but the counselor is still just flesh and blood.  The attention and affection from an attractive boy is a wonderful feeling, but he is still just flesh and blood.  Houses, cars, education, money, beauty...it's all a blessing to have, but it's just material and completely incapable of wholly distracting any of us from the aches in our souls.  

You can flit from family to family, place to place, in search of the right fit...but you would only be perpetuating the very cycle that you're longing to escape from.  You want a new life, I know.  You want a change, of course.  But clearly there hasn't been a lack of new doors or opportunities to change.  God has been so gracious in providing so much of this for you.  However, if you want to open a new door, to write a new chapter for your life, it is you that's in your way.  You will have to choose at some point to walk away from the old doors, the old ways that are easy, that are comfortable, that you continue to rely on and go back to.  If you continue to writhe under rules intended to protect you and fight for your freedom no matter the cost...you'll always feel unprotected.  If you continue to run from and betray people who prove that they're invested in you and care deeply for you simply because you are uncomfortable and afraid to get too invested yourself for fear of being rejected...you'll always end up alone and on your own.  If your focus remains on material wealth and beauty and status in this world, that's all you'll attain--and you'll always have that emptiness inside you that can't be fulfilled.  

Jesus has never left you, Loo.  He has always been present for every moment of your life "like a hovering bird".  He will defend you.  He will rescue you.  He will pass over us and protect us.  Be brave.  Return to Him and reject all of these other things and ways of operating that you have been looking to instead of Him to fill those empty places inside of you. He will guide you through the unknown.  He will help you through the discomfort and ease your fears along the way. 

And always remember: the enemy wants you stymied.  He wants you to believe that every situation is hopeless; that this is how your life will always be; that no one loves you; that you have to look out for yourself because no one else will.  Choose Jesus and His will and He'll show you what a load of lies those beliefs are--forget all of us trying to convince you.  He has a whole new world waiting for you, Child.  Please, in Jesus' Name, be brave.

I love you always,

Mom

        

Like Job

Ugh.  Ok.  So apparently I've been writing about mysteries I cannot even begin to understand.  The Book of Job has been the topic of discussion between God and I this week, and what another humbling lesson I've learned.  Praise Him that we haven't faced the amount of destruction and testing Job had to, but to a very small degree we still can relate to the anguish he felt.  Also, I (like Job) have spent so much time, energy, and breath trying to make sense of what's happened...trying to defend our good intentions and honest motives to everybody under the sun...trying to write and speak with wisdom and maintain our integrity.  And the poor Lord, I know, has been trying again and again to get it through my thick skull and make it crystal clear that I don't need to do anything, that I can't do anything, that He and He alone is in control of the situation.  But let's face it, girl: I didn't listen.  What child does that?!  Nope.  Rather, I, the "Almighty Heidi" (read sarcasm) have been looking for answers, making claims, and holding onto outcomes publicly and to myself that I've based on the God I've come to know in my totally limited understanding.

Then I boo-hoo when they don't come to fruition.

<face-palm>

I'm worn out because I'm wearing myself out!

Here's the reality.  I don't know everything. I wasn't there when God "laid the foundation of the earth"(Job 38:4).  I haven't "made a channel for the flooding rains" or connected "the chains of the constellation[s]" (38:25, 31).  I can't control lightning or the sea (38).  So, honestly.  Who am I "that belittles...advice [from the One Who does] with words that do not show any knowledge about it?" (38:2).  Who am I to ever find fault with the Almighty God, to argue with Him, or wish to correct Him (40:2)?  Like Job, "I'm so insignificant!!!"

And it's high time I "put my hand over my mouth" (40:4-5)
(That's obviously the godly way of saying, "SHUT UP").

The Book of Job has shown me so much:  1) That good or bad fortune in this world does not reflect our standing before God.  Before satan tested him, Job was a decent man who did all he humanly could to honor God's will for his life and he still lost everything as though he was the most wicked.  Like Job, I feel like we did all we could and still lost everything with you.  Contrarily, pan to you who walked away from God's will and from us and, yet, you seem to be prospering.  I want to be angry, but I can't be.  Fact is, we have all fallen short of His glory (Rom. 3:23).  There is no one better or worse in His eyes, you nor me.  The rain falls and the sun shines on us all as He wills regardless of what we've done or haven't done.  That's what is so great about God!!  We all deserve death and hell and still, He grants us these tender mercies.  I will be praying, however, that you don't mistake your getting what you want as a thumbs up from God regarding the poor choices you've made.  I don't want you to suffer, Loo.  But if suffering now means you'll be spared for eternity, then I pray His hand will be removed from you just long enough that the eyes of your heart will be opened to the eternity He's been trying to give you.

2) Because His worldly blessings are not contingent on our standing, following God...striving to be obedient to His will...doesn't always guarantee honor, blessings, and/or riches here on earth.  As much as I want it sooner than later, I'm not guaranteed to witness the happily ever after I'm hoping for in this life.  When we accepted Jesus and chose to follow Him, we didn't do it for our gain but for His glory.  We do receive a life after this one without pain and full of joy, but Jesus does not equal the "Easy" button here.  I'm only seeing now, through this mess, that living future-tense requires the sacrifice of everything in this life to find our eternity with Him (Matt. 16:25).  No wonder the "road is narrow" (Matt. 7:13).  This following Jesus stuff ain't for the faint of heart. What we do now only matters for...FOREVER...eek.

Lucy.  Our God is a Redeemer.  He is Mighty to save.  For this reason, I will always hope for the best.  But to totally surrender to His will,  I must finally resign my own.  I have to loosely hold out my hopes and dreams for you and us and accept however this story goes.  It's His.  You're His.  I'm letting go.  For reals this time.  My character, my reputation, my everything on this earth may end up being completely crucified.  But I'm not storing up treasures here and now where moths and rust can destroy them anyway...I need to be seeking rewards in Heaven that can be reaped FoReVeR (Matt. 6:19-21).  That's my choice.  However the here and now turns out.  And I will never cease praying that you'll be there reaping them with me <3

Hoping our story ends as well as Job's eventually did, but am finally ok if it doesn't.
Love you, Sweet Girl.
Mom

Signed and Sealed...Waiting for Delivery

My head has chosen long ago to forgive you, but my heart is clearly still catching up.  Any time I make progress or a declaration of faith...BAM.  Something new happens that threatens my breakthrough.  I can almost hear a teacher making the announcement in my thoughts, "This week, class, we'll be focusing on coping with your addiction to approval...
...via the brutal slaying of your reputation and character."
A friend of ours shared with me the latest of Rose Family rumors that was rashly shared with her by a shelter volunteer that works directly with you (small towns).  Apparently, you were adopted and horribly mistreated by your family (aka. us)...the details too personal to share, but your story is "such a sad and unfortunate one".

Come. On. Lucy.

Really?!

Aside from the frustration I feel towards the shelter, still buying what you're selling (and now selling what you're selling) regardless of all of the back history about you and us that we openly shared from the beginning of our journey until now...and the "All-Clear" we received from the Police, CPS, and the Department of Homeland Security for crying out loud...I have never been so offended in my life.  Our family isn't perfect.  We made and continue to make mistakes that we regret.  We're human.  I did lose my temper with you.  Dad maybe did go a bit overboard on rules to protect you.  We certainly weren't experts on the ins and outs of international adoptions, or teenagers for that matter, and definitely could have sought out more information and support.  But the moment we met you, Lucy, you were immediately sealed as 100% daughter in our hearts and minds.  We did nothing but love you the best way we knew how.  Yet, you remain bent on making us out to be monsters....  It's like ripping our hearts out of our chests wasn't enough...you need to stomp on them now, too.

It has been the most difficult to bite my tongue.  I want nothing more than to defend our honor, to continue to prove again and again the purity of our motives.  I want those working with you to see the whole picture and not just for our benefit, but for yours!  There are so many holes in your story as is...you no doubt need help coping with something.  Genuine healing will just continue to be delayed because of all of the smoke and mirrors you've learned to hide behind!  And I am so over-the-top dismayed that you've now twisted our story together into just another stumbling block!  God delivered you in the most miraculous way from a life that was without much hope at all, and rather than running with that beginning into a happily ever after...you have chosen to throw it all away and start anew...in one of the most hopeless places here...??!
It's no wonder people question our integrity.
I'd question it, too!
It's almost easier for us to believe that we were awful than to accept that you would be so foolish!!

Ugh. I just want to be free of this insanity.

But regardless of what you think, what they think, what we think...we have to hold on to the fact that God knows it all.  Only He's been present every minute.  Only He saw every wound you actually took and every wound you've given.  He can even see past the red we're struggling to, past the frustration, past the resentment, and into the reality buried beneath it all that Dad and I ultimately still want healing for you, Child.
I am tired.  I am downright worn out thinking about it all.  I do wish some days that we could go back to B.L. on our timeline.  But tough ta-hoots for me.  Just as though you were biologically ours, I accept that we will never be free of the responsibility God has given us to love you and to pray for you no matter the circumstances.  That's a miracle in itself, really--that God has imprinted you on our hearts this way, painful as it is right now.

It's solely HIS responsibility to deliver you, however, and He has already planned exactly how.  For this reason, I will press on with praise, surrendered and grateful yet again.  He will reveal the truth in His Perfect Timing and restore your broken heart.  ...And our reputation.
Again for this lesson: I just need to let go and let God.  I need to BELIEVE.

Faith as small as a mustard seed...that's all I've got left...

and that's all it takes according to Jesus <3

Cheers to Striving for an Ephesians 4 Life

Who Holds Tomorrow

No Dark Days

"Such light, such joy flows out from this house. It affects all who come here.  Do not feel that you have to try and help them. Just love them, welcome them, shower little courtesies and love-signs on them, and they must be helped.

Love is God. Give them Love, and you give them God. Then leave Him to do His Work. Love all, even the beggars. Send no one away without a word of cheer, a feeling that you care. I may have put the impulse to come here into some despairing one's heart. Think if you failed Me! Besides, you have no choice. You told Me it was My Home. I shall use it. Remember this. There would be no dark winter days were Love in the hearts of all My children.

Oh! My children, can you not feel the joy of knowing, loving, and companying with Me?"

"Love worketh no ill to his neighbour: therefore love is the fulfilling of the law." Roman 13:10

From 365 One-Minute Meditations: God Calling edited by A.J. Russell. ©2008 by John Hunt Publishing Ltd., New Alresford, Hants, UK. All rights reserved. No part may be reproduced without written permission from John Hunt Publishing Ltd, The Bothy, Deershot Lodge, Park Lane, Ropley, Hampshire, SO24 0BE, UK. Sent from the God Calling Devotional. For devotionals like this one for your iPhone, visit us at 43rdElement.com

     The day you left, Dad and I had made an offer on a new home.  It was baffling to us then...the awful timing of it all...but now it makes complete sense.  We needed a fresh start and God went before us yet again.  This sweet spot deep in the country has been the sanctuary we've needed.  The beauty, the solitude has initiated our hearts' rest...our hearts' healing.  

I can't lie to you.  At this moment...right now...I want nothing more than to protect our new place.  I'm even hesitant to share our whereabouts, not because I don't want you to come back to us but because I don't want the spiritual warfare that came with you before to violate the sense of peace and security that's been restored here.  Yet, despite all of my fears and concerns, God is clearly calling me to acknowledge that this home and our current state of being isn't ours to control, to share, or not to share.  We belong to Him, and all that we have belongs to Him.  We surrendered all: our family, our home, and even our well-being...and now we're being asked again and again to put our money where our mouth is...to practice the faith we preach. 

     As I've said and written before, you are not our enemy, Sweet Girl, and we aren't yours. "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, ...the authorities,...the powers of this dark world, and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms" (Eph.6:12).  Your actions have undeniably wounded each of us, but by the power of Christ we're still standing firm and holding fast to God's Promises.  We will continue to reach out to you, to "shower little courtesies and love-signs" on you when and however we can to give you His Love that knows no limit.  And should He choose to use this home...should His Holy Spirit put "the impulse to come here into [your] despairing heart"...we trust He'll also fill us with the impulse to receive you with open arms...just as He would.  In the suffering, we won't stop choosing to love you, Lucy.... 

With a love like His.

Mom

I don't know about tomorrow

I just live for day to day

I don't borrow from the sunshine

For it's skies may turn to gray

I don't worry o'er the future

For I know what Jesus said

And today I'll walk beside Him

For He knows what lies ahead

Many things about tomorrow

I don't seem to understand

But I know who holds tomorrow

And I know who holds my hand

Every step is getting brighter

As the golden stairs I climb

Every burden's getting lighter

Every cloud is silver lined

There the sun is always shining

There no tear will dim the eye

At the ending of the rainbow

Where the mountains touch the sky

Many things about tomorrow

I don't seem to understand

But I know who holds tomorrow

And I know who holds my hand

-Alison Krauss, I Know Who Holds Tomorrow

One Door Closes...

April 8, 2016

Altered Plans

Then the word of the Lord came to him, saying, "Get away from here and turn eastward, and hide by the Brook Cherith, which flows into the Jordan. And it will be that you shall drink from the brook, and I have commanded the ravens to feed you there."
—1 Kings 17:2-4

"After a significant moment of delivering his message to King Ahab of an impending drought in the land, Elijah could have said, 'Lord, let's get this thing going. Let's have the face-off with the prophets of Baal on Mt. Carmel. Let's go for it.'

But there was an interesting twist to the story. Loosely paraphrased, God said, 'I have a different plan in mind for you, Elijah. I want you to disappear from the scene for a while. In fact, I want you to go over to this little brook called Cherith and just hang out there.'

So Elijah, a man of faith and obedience, went to a place of total obscurity. It doesn't make sense, yet it makes total sense. Sometimes God will use us, and then He will say, 'Now I have to work on you for a while. You are not ready for what I have for you next. I've got to whip you into shape a little more.' That is what He was doing with Elijah.

Maybe something like that has happened to you recently. Maybe there were cutbacks at work, and you were let go. Maybe you had a ministry that was flourishing, and suddenly it is not flourishing like it once did. Perhaps sickness has altered your plans. You've had to make changes, and it seems like the end. You don't get it. But maybe it isn't the end at all. Maybe it is a new beginning.

God may have closed a door for you because He has another door ready to open at any time. Here's what you need to do: Just wait on the Lord and be faithful to Him. Everything we go through in life is preparation for something else. Know that God is preparing you for something in your future.'

—Greg Laurie

In Jesus' Name

*Based on Acts 20

I praise You, God, for all of the time we did get to spend with Lucy.
I praise You for the opportunity to humbly serve You, "often with tears in my eyes" (v.19).
I praise You for the challenge to serve even during these difficult times when she seeks/sought our downfall.
I praise You that we never avoided telling her anything that would help her (v.20).
I praise You for the confidence You gave me that last night with her to speak truth...to warn her that she needed to change the way she thought and acted and genuinely believe in You and the life You have for her.
"I didn't avoid telling [her] the whole plan of [Yours]" (v.27), Lord.
"I know that fierce wolves will come"; "Some...men will come forward and say things that distort the truth"; may she be alert, Holy Spirit! Remind her of any remnant of Your love that we managed to show despite our failing flesh so she won't be lured completely away.  Remind her that an enemy seeks to steal, kill, and destroy the glorious plans You have for her, but in Jesus' Name please show her that enemy was never us.
I praise You for being faithful to Your Promises to protect us and for delivering us from a much worse fate because of her growing pains/wayward season...from unfairly losing custody of our biological children or even imprisonment.
I praise You, Lord God of the Angel Armies, that You've given us permission to let go and to entrust Lucy to You and Your message that tells of just how kind You are.  I pray Your Word helps her grow deeper, fully releasing her from all that's binding her from receiving the inheritance, the freedom, that is shared by all of us who love You and who love her (v.32).
You know our hearts, Father.  You know we never wanted anything from her (v.33).  We pursued her adoption for no other reason than to please You and to give her a better chance at a blessed life...a safe life.
I praise You for showing us, through the wise words of a sweet woman who has walked in our exact shoes, that we didn't fail.  That we accomplished just that.
I praise You for Your graciousness to bring Lucy here, to America, to soften her fall.
I praise You for the hard work it was to bring her home, to adjust as a new family, and now...to surrender it all to You.
In all of this, You showed me that "Giving gifts is more satisfying than receiving them".
I praise You, Jesus, for this chance to move on. I don't know what will happen to us now, but I already praise You for Your Spirit's awareness to proceed with caution.
More suffering may await us, "But I don't place any value on my own life.  I want to finish the race I'm running.  I want to carry out the mission I received from [You], Jesus--the mission of testifying to the Good News of [Your] kindness" (v.24).

Amen.